This really is the moment on America's Got Talent

Before we start, I just want to assure you guys that Piers Morgan is okay. You may have heard that he cracked some ribs in a Segway crash over the weekend, but he made it to the live finale, albeit in so much pain that he barely moved or spoke. I'm just surprised it was Piers who crashed the Segway. If there's one judge on America's Got Talent you expect to be tooling, GOB-like, around town on a Segway, it's the Hoff. But I'm glad that Piers is okay, because that means it's okay for me to find the whole thing funny.

(By the way, we're talking about the season finale here. If you don't want to know who won, you need to stop reading now.)

Of course, it was a two-hour finale, with really only one point to it – crown a winner – so there was filler everywhere. There were performances from last year's Quick Change and Stomp Out Loud. There were performances from both this year's top ten and the "audition all-stars" (really just the most spectacular rejects of the season), and the rejects, by far, put on a better show. A flaming pogo stick makes everything more interesting, after all.

But the performance I'm sure you were looking breathlessly forward to – I know I was – was from David Hasselhoff, German superstar, the voice that broke down the Berlin Wall. His rendition of "This is the Moment" was everything I had been hoping for: unapologetically over the top and delightfully hammy. The only thing that was missing was that light-up piano scarf. Although I kind of hate the show a little for showing the Hoff's tiny, sweet old parents in the audience and making me feel bad about making fun of him.

And then there were the performances by the contestants, the ones that really counted. America's Got Talent made it a treat for them and for us, giving each of the contestants an appropriate act to sing with.

Julienne and Taylor Swift sang Taylor's "Teardrops on My Pillow." Maybe it's just because I don't follow country, but I had no idea who Taylor Swift was. Because I'd heard of everyone else who showed up, though, I was willing to trust the show that she was famous. Taylor and Julienne's voices meshed perfectly, and when it was done, Martina McBride had some nice words for Julienne in a video greeting.

Cas and UB40 came together to play "Red, Red Wine." It was probably the most obvious choice ever for a singer like Cas, but that's not to say that it wasn't a good choice. He fit right into the band, and when he was done, he was rewarded with a video message from Lionel Richie.

Butterscotch and Sean Kingston performed his "Beautiful Girls." It was a little disappointing, because Butterscotch really only did the beats and backup, instead of actually singing a duet with Sean. Once she was done, Butterscotch got a nice video greeting from her grandma – aww! She was the only contestant who got a message from family, and not from a star. But that made her lucky, as far as I'm concerned, because hers was the only personal message. Martina McBride is cool and all, but she's not Grandma.

Terry and Kermit the Frog – okay. How do I adequately explain the awesomeness of this performance? They duetted on "You've Got a Friend," with Johnny Vegas returning to sing as James Taylor, and Terry even got the opportunity to sing as himself. But did I mention Kermit? And the Muppet shenanigans didn't stop there, as they replaced the judges with Animal (Hoff), Beaker (Sharon), and the Swedish Chef (Piers), and gave Terry a video message from Miss Piggy.

But you want to know the results. I don't blame you; I've put enough filler into this recap. The first contestant to go was Julienne – the correct decision, as talented as she is – and next was my girl Butterscotch. That left Cas and Terry to fight it out for the title. And the winner, defying all of my expectations, was… Terry!

You know, Terry wasn't the one I wanted to win originally, but I actually found myself rooting for him at the end. He would never have been able to win any other show, and he was a delight to watch every week. And what makes me even happier is that America's Got Talent gave Terry what I always wanted for him: a venue in Vegas. He'll be playing at the Jubilee Theater at Bally's. So congratulations, Terry, and I promise, if I ever make a crack about ventriloquists again, I will add, "Except Terry Fator."

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It's the best of the best on America's Got Talent

It's the America's Got Talent finale! (Disclaimer: it's not actually the finale. Just the final performances.)

For some, this was the end of the road! (Yeah, but all this national exposure must be good for their careers.) But one lucky act will win one million dollars! (Okay, yeah, a million is good.) And the prestigious title of America's best new act! (Good for an interview on the Today show and a Trivial Pursuit question ten years from now.) It's the biggest title in America! (Except for that other one, the one on the other channel with the other trio of loopy judges. Also President, that's a bigger title.) We, the voters, can change someone's life forever! (Well, sure, how else would they find their way onto a Trivial Pursuit card?)

But before we could actually get to the business of voting, thereby changing the contestants' lives forever, as Jerry repeatedly promised we would, we had to determine whose dreams would die this week. It was time to say goodbye to Robert Hatcher, Jason Pritchett, the Glamazons, and Sideswipe. Everyone was very gracious, of course, and none more so than smiley Robert Hatcher, who insisted that he was waiting for a record deal. You heard the man, somebody sign him! Honestly, how did the Cincinnati sewers produce a man so happy, shiny and positive? Whatever the reason, keep smiling, Robert, as I'm sure you will.

That leaves as our final four: Cas Haley, Butterscotch, Terry Fator, and Julienne Irwin. Exactly the finalists I had predicted last week. I'd like to think that it was my endorsement of those acts that inspired my army of loyal readers to vote for them, but the fact is that they were obviously the best acts, and had been the best for weeks, if not for the entire run of the show. As final fours go, it was a no-brainer. And as clout goes, I have none.

Each finalist got two chances to impress us before we decided their fates – one, a piece chosen by the judges, and the other, a piece chosen by the contestant. Let's see how they did:

Cas Haley

Judges' Choice: "Can't Help Falling in Love With You." Of course Cas played it closer to the UB40 version than the Elvis version, because that's his style. In fact, his style is so close to what UB40 did to the song that I was concerned that he wouldn't be able to personalize it. But he came through, and delivered a heartfelt performance infused with his own touches. Piers was so enamored with it that he said that Cas "could be the King." Piers, don't tempt the wrath of angry Elvis fans. Just don't.

Cas' Choice: "Sir Duke." Cas called it one of his "all-time favorite songs," and it was easy to tell. He delivered a fun, enthusiastic performance that was better than his first song, and probably the best out of all the songs he's played so far. Incidentally, America, Cas said that if he were to win, he'd be forever in our debt. So that leaky tap you've got? It's got Cas' name all over it.

Butterscotch

Judges' Choice: "What's Going On." She started off with a soft, jazzy intro at the piano, which I loved, before she got up and picked up the tempo. But then – no beatboxing! Of course she didn't need it – she can hold her own as a singer without her vocal tricks – but it still caused a bit of consternation among the judges. Particularly Piers, who claimed he'd almost worn some of his "beatbox gear." I wish he had, because I really want to know what he considers "beatbox gear."

Butterscotch's Choice: "Dance to the Music." Where'd all the beatboxing go from her first performance? Into this one. It was pure beatbox – instruments, record scratching, even going backwards at one point. Splitting up the singing from the beatboxing was a great choice on her part, because it allowed her to go to both extremes, when before now she'd been mixing the two styles. It proved to us, if we didn't know before, how versatile she can be. Love her.

Terry Fator

Judges' Choice: "Friends in Low Places." Their reasoning: Terry's got to know country music before he can win. So Terry brought out "Walter T. Airedale," a sort of cowboy Howdy Doody, to sing as Garth Brooks. He really dug into the song, relishing all the warbling and the swooping notes involved. A country fan might have found it borderline cheesy, but I'm firmly in Piers' camp: country music all sounds the same to me, and when you can do something to grab my attention in a country song, it's all to the good.

Terry's Choice: "Crying." The song marked the triumphant return of Winston the Turtle, who put on a black wig and glasses to channel Roy Orbison. The result was well sung, funny, and, overall, fantastic. Terry actually got a standing ovation from Piers. A standing ovation! From Piers! Not the overly excitable David Hasselhoff, not America's British mom Sharon Osbourne, but Piers "Itchy Buzzer Finger" Morgan! No matter what happens, Terry needs to put that on his resume.

Julienne Irwin

Judges' Choice: "What Hurts the Most." The judges wanted to challenge her with a contemporary song, and she really did quite as well with it as she's done with the classic country songs in week's past. However, I still think she has problems with the lower notes. I'd be interested to hear her in a few years, when her voice has really had a chance to mature – I think she'll be a knockout.

Julienne's Choice: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." Boy, did she save the best for last. This was by far her best performance, a soulful, compelling version of the song that we've all heard a thousand times before, in a thousand different ways. I loved the song, but not the crescent moon she rode across the stage. There are only a couple of singers crazy and divalicious enough to get away with that: Celine Dion and Cher.

Who will win: You mean, aside from we, the viewers, when we are treated to a David Hasselhoff performance during next week's results show? Either Cas Haley or Butterscotch. Julienne is sweet, but not quite mature enough, and Terry doesn't need the title as much as he needs a steady gig either touring or playing at a Vegas casino. Cas and Butterscotch both have unique sounds and humble attitudes, and I would be thrilled if either of them won. But if forced to choose a favorite, I would go with Butterscotch.

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America's Got Talent: They can be your heroes, baby

Tuesday was Heroes Night on America's Got Talent. Sadly, not Heroes Night, which would have been awesome – Greg Grunberg could have performed with his super-sweet band – but, literally, recognition of those people who inspired the contestants. Which was great, because we actually learned more about the contestants by listening to them talk about their heroes than we have by hearing them recite, one more time, how much this competition means to them.

And, America? You're my heroes. You put through the right eight acts. (Yes, I will even give you Sideswipe, because they did rather well this week.) The time had definitely come for the Duttons, who were being eclipsed by the other, fantastic musical acts. The Calypso Tumblers, though, were a lot of fun, and I was hoping they'd come back for this week. But it was clear that they weren't going to make it much further, and even if they had performed this week, I wouldn't have picked them for next week's finale, because fun wouldn't have been enough.

The interesting thing about this week's episode was how they revealed the top eight. In an effort to keep people watching, perhaps to bolster the ratings of The Singing Bee, the show didn't actually reveal who was going home until the very end, choosing instead to announce each act that was staying as it was time for each to perform. Much preferable to the alternative, a filler-packed results show. If American Idol did this, we wouldn't have to sit through those Wednesday night shows, but Fox would also lose a guaranteed top-ten show every week, so I don't think they'll be taking any cues from AGT. Anyway, my only issue with how America's Got Talent did this: Butterscotch. She was kept waiting until almost the very end, despite the complete non-suspense surrounding her. Honestly, Jerry, just say her name first and be done with it. We all know she's coming back.

Next week is the finale (already?), and out of the final eight, four will continue and battle it out next Tuesday. So let's check and see how they did this week:

Robert Hatcher: His performance of "Let's Stay Together" was probably my favorite that he's ever turned in. It was soulful, perfectly suited to him, and he worked the crowd better than he ever has before. However, he might have lost a few points by being the only contestant not to pick a friend or family member as his hero – instead, he chose Al Green. Robert, seriously: mom. Your default answer to "Who is your hero?" should always be your mom.

Julienne Irwin: She dedicated her song, "Crazy," to her friends back home, while sitting on what appeared to be a dense fog. Got enough mist on that stage there, AGT? Naturally, it was the sort of song that's perfect for her, and she managed to nail some of Patsy Cline's signature swooping notes, but I thought she struggled with the low notes. Piers, ironically, all but assured her a place in the final by saying that he thought she wouldn't make it to the final; I'll bet a ton of people picked up the phone and called just to prove the mean British guy wrong about the cute teenage girl.

Terry Fator: Terry had one of the most touching stories of the night about his hero: his sister Debbie, a big supporter of his who has rheumatoid arthritis. For her, he brought out "Johnny Vegas," easily his creepiest puppet yet, to sing "That's Amore" as Dean Martin and "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" as Tony Bennett. And I can't explain why this puppet bothered me so much, except to say: imagine that Dean Martin was turned into a Muppet, and then imagine that the resulting Muppet was watching you while you slept. It freaked me out, is what I'm saying. Anyway, Terry continues to amaze me, as I sit and wonder how he can sing so well with his mouth mostly closed. He revealed after his performance that he'd like to headline in Vegas, and I say he's perfectly suited for it, and any casino would be lucky to have him.

Cas Haley: He played "Easy" by Lionel Richie, for his parents and a late friend of his, and infused it with his signature quasi-reggae sound for a phenomenal performance. The judges loved it, I loved it, and there will have to be some massive voter fraud to keep him from coming back next week.

Jason Pritchett: He sang "If Tomorrow Never Comes" and dedicated it to his grandfather. It was a nice performance, one that inspired a lot of swaying and arm-waving from the audience members, but not a great one. For the first time, I think Robert Hatcher outsung him. But Piers buzzed him, and, as with Julienne, probably encouraged a lot of sympathy and/or "shut up, Piers" votes for Jason.

The Glamazons: They turned out their greatest show this week for a song that truly deserves a huge, over-the-top spectacle: the inimitable "It's Raining Men." They had buff shirtless guys and pyrotechnics galore, but it couldn't mask the fact that a couple members of the group are much, much weaker singers than the others. Ah, well. It was a truly great performance, true to their cabaret soul, and the story about their hero, the mother of one of the singers, was very sweet. I still love them.

Butterscotch: She sang "My Funny Valentine," dedicated to her jazz-loving grandparents, and accompanied herself on the piano. You know, we saw her play the piano in the Las Vegas callbacks, but I'd forgotten how good a pianist she really is. Is there anything she can't do? She blew the lid off the song, she's great, and if you didn't vote for her, it's okay – you just suck.

Sideswipe: They came out with something really different this week: an elaborately choreographed martial-arts pirate fight, dedicated to their old sensei. At first I wasn't sure about it – I thought that they were going to get into the same trouble that Popovich Comedy Pet Theater got into, for trying to tell a story with their act – but they turned me around. That was one spectacular pirate fight, and probably their best performance to date. Even Piers liked it, and he didn't even get a pirate wench on his lap, like the Hoff did.

Who should make it to the final: Cas Haley, Butterscotch, Julienne Irwin, Terry Fator

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America's Got Talent: Fiddlers, fever, and inappropriate puppets

You made the right choice, America. You didn't let those British judges push you around and tell you who to vote for. After all, this is America's Got Talent, and we didn't chuck all that tea into Boston Harbor to have Piers and Sharon dictate our final ten. Not that I think that they would have put Boy Shakira/Britney through, if they could, but it still feels like a vindication that he didn't make it, like America finally got it right where the British judges were blind. And I'm sure that somewhere, right now, David Hasselhoff is doing his happy dance.

This week, the final ten performed, which meant that, first, the final ten had to be chosen. Since we already had half of them, Jerry only had to announce five: Terry Fator (yay!), Cas Haley (yay!), the Calypso Tumblers (cool!), Jason Pritchett (okay!), and the Duttons (…really?). The Duttons aren't bad, but I don't think they're at the level that everyone else is at in the competition. Even Sharon – the nice judge – agreed with me. Oh, she didn't mention the Duttons by name when she said that there were some acts that she wouldn't have put through from those five, but she didn't have to.

On to the performances:

The Duttons: Putting aside Sharon's and my wishes that someone else had taken their slot, the Duttons' performance of "Devil Went Down to Georgia" was much better than last week's "La Bamba." They've got tremendous fiddling chops, so it was right up their alley. Unfortunately for them, they also inspired the most creative Piers insult of the night: "It sounded like the noise that a bunch of shrimps make when they're being boiled alive." But if the Duttons made it back with "La Bamba," they'll come back with this song, especially if the massive extended-family voting bloc that I suspect exists has anything to say about it.

Robert Hatcher: He did a nice job with "Because You Love Me." It's particularly difficult to make a Celine Dion song subdued and intimate, but Robert did just that. However, he's probably the least definable of all the singers in terms of personality, because he doesn't bring a lot of it on stage with him. I would be surprised if he makes it much farther.

The Calypso Tumblers: Every time they perform, it's like a party on stage. And yes, everyone is invited, particularly the judges. Last week, they gave the Hoff a high-five; this week, they gave Sharon a rose. They're a lot of fun to watch, they perform some amazing stunts, and I hope they come back next week, if only because I want to see what they do to/with Piers.

Jason Pritchett: Last week, Jason stalked all over the stage like a rock star. This week, he went back to his strength: just him, a guitar, and some backup singers, playing "When You Say Nothing at All." I think he's much better with slower songs, and he has the trick of still keeping those less flamboyant songs interesting. He'll probably make it to next week, but eventually, he's going to run into the brick wall that is Cas Haley, because Cas is destined to be the last male singer standing.

Butterscotch: She started out with a beatboxing remix of "It's Your Thing," then settled into really singing the song, with a full band backing her up. It was very different from her last performance, "Summertime," but it was just as fabulous. How many different ways can I say "she rocks, and I would buy her album"? You guys know I love her.

The Glamazons: They gave a sassy performance of "Fever" that ended up looking and sounding like a number from Chicago, but in a good way. It's true that, as Sharon says, they don't have the best voices in the contest, but they're great performers. And as for how patently hot Piers is for them – it's a little bit wrong, but at the same time, you go, girls.

Cas Haley: His performance of "Bring It On Home to Me" demonstrated exactly why he and Butterscotch are my favorite singers in this competition: they both have a unique sound. If you hear them, you know who you're listening to. Piers preferred his reggae sound to blues, but I'm not so picky. I just love to hear him sing.

Terry Fator: Terry brought back Emma the puppet to sing "Unforgettable," by Natalie and Nat King Cole. And while I don't think it was Terry's best musical performance, it was probably the funniest, thanks to the interaction between Terry and Emma. Emma spent the entire song nuzzling him, nosing his ear, and generally eliciting raised eyebrows from Terry. That's the thing about Terry: love it or hate it, he's always on. Whenever you see him with a puppet in his hand, he's working the puppet, giving it life and a personality. Personally, I love it.

Julienne Irwin: She sang "Til I Can Make It On My Own" with all the heart and sweetness that she's had in previous weeks, but the judges weren't crazy about it, noting some places where she had pitch issues. Still, she's cute, 14, and has a great voice, so she's a lock to come back.

Sideswipe: Their fatal error was not, as Piers thought, bringing kids (actually their students) into the act, but keeping their chests covered. Did they really think that kids would bring in more votes than abs? Seriously, though, this was the first week that they were put in direct competition with the Calypso Tumblers, and their act suffered in comparison. Less fun, less busy, less surprising – it's not fair, but there it is.

Worst of the night (and please understand that we're getting to the point where "worst" just means "not amazing"): The Duttons, Sideswipe, Robert Hatcher

Best of the night: Butterscotch, Cas Haley, Terry Fator

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Boy Shakira is no more on America's Got Talent

Ah, America's Got Talent. You know, there's nothing else quite like it. There's talent, yes, but the rest of the show is the sort of pure cheese that you can only get by combining David Hasselhoff, Jerry Springer, and gratuitous overuse of O Fortuna from Carmina Burana. And it's not like that piece isn't overexposed as it is. Somehow, though, it never fails to crack me up when the show uses O Fortuna to introduce the judges, as though we have anything to fear from them besides whatever randomness falls from the Hoff's lips this week.

Week two of the semifinals brought us some great acts, a few not-so-great, and Boy Shakira, who is basically in a category of his own at this point. It also brought us the news of which of last week's performers would be moving on, and I'm sure you'll be shocked to know, as I was shocked, that Julienne Irwin and Butterscotch were the first to hear that they were safe. My girls the Glamazons moved on next, followed by Robert Hatcher, the man from the Cincinnati sewers, and Sideswipe, the guys with the abs. All good acts, and I'm glad that at least one non-musical act made it through, at least to break up the monotony as we get closer to the finals.

Who will move forward from this week? Let's check the performances:

Second Story Guys: Their disco-inspired routine to "Turn the Beat Around" was probably the most fun that they've shown so far, and I loved their '70s-style costumes. But the best part was Jerry trying to interview them afterwards. He looked like an eight-year-old trying to interview the Harlem Globetrotters.

Southern Girl: They're your Dreamgirls! Dreamgirls will never leave you! Seriously, though, I don't remember seeing this group before they showed up in the Vegas callbacks, but their performance of "If I Ain't Got You" had a nice throwback quality to R&B groups of the '60s. But there's no Deena Jones, and that's where they got in trouble with the judges, because the judges wanted a lead singer. I thought they did well enough without one, and I've got to give them props for defending themselves to the judges, saying that they all sang lead.

Popovich Comedy Pet Theater: Okay, is it just me, or were they just Popovich Pet Theater before? When did the comedy part come in? Consistency is all I ask! Their act took a long time to get going, because they spent quite a while setting a scene before getting to the pet tricks. It's okay if you're Cirque du Soleil and your audience has paid $100 for the privilege, but these judges are impatient and they hate ferrets. Yes, that was their other mistake: setting ferrets loose on stage. There are probably still some ferrets scampering around backstage.

Cas Haley: I have a confession to make: I can never hear the song he played, "Higher and Higher," without thinking of Ghostbusters II. (What? Lady Liberty striding through the streets of Manhattan – it's memorable!) But Cas' performance, infused with a bit of reggae flavor, almost made me forget. And if you thought there was any chance that Cas might not come back next week, a shot of his 16-month-old son sealed the deal for him. Good singer, cute kid – yeah, he's staying.

Terry Fator: Terry did a duet with his puppet, Winston the Turtle, of "What a Wonderful World," with Winston as Kermit the Frog and Terry as Louis Armstrong. As usual, spot on impersonation. There are three things I love about this guy: 1) his sock puppet fan club, 2) the Muppet-like way he can impart expression and feeling into his puppets, and 3) the fact that he can get David Hasselhoff all emotional.

The Fault Line: I seem to remember this group being marketed as an acapella rock band, but their performance of "The Way You Make Me Feel" was really just acapella. Now, I couldn't walk out of my dorm when I was in college without tripping over three or more acapella groups, so an acapella group really has to have something extra to impress me, and they didn't. I'm with Piers; they should stick with rock.

Boy Shakira, uh, I mean, Boy Britney: This week he dressed up in the famous schoolgirl outfit to dance to "Hit Me Baby One More Time," and for the first time, I can kind of see where Piers and Sharon are coming from. He was certainly entertaining, and he caused the Hoff to lose his mind again and accuse everyone but him of being on medication, which is always a plus. But, as with Kashif, I'm just not sure that Boy Shakira/Britney is a good enough dancer to justify his continued existence on the show. I'm interested to see what happens once his fate is in the public's hands.

Jason Pritchett: Jason performed without his guitar this week, which was probably smart: it differentiated him from the other male singer with a guitar, Cas, and it allowed him to work the audience as he was singing "Life is a Highway." The crowd loved it, of course, but the judges weren't as keen, and I'm not sure that his voice was really up to the song. However, there's no denying that he's an excellent performer, and I wouldn't mind seeing him stay on.

Calypso Tumblers: Like Southern Girl, this was an act that we were seeing perform for the first time this week, and I have to say that I was impressed. They gave a high-energy performance with plenty of impressive moves, and you've got to love the fact that one of the guys ran up and high-fived the Hoff in the middle of the routine. Perhaps the most shocking thing was that no one talked about their abs, even though they are just as ripped – and there are more of them – as Sideswipe.

The Duttons: They still performed their usual tricks, like instrument switching, but they moved away from their country roots to play "La Bamba." I didn't object to it as much as did Piers, who was positively gleeful that they had fired their children, but I wasn't blown away by it, either. At this point, I could take them or leave them.

Best of the night: Terry Fator, Cas Haley

Worst of the night: Popovich (Comedy) Pet Theater, The Fault Line

I don't even know anymore: Boy Shakira/Britney

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America's Got Talent: Filling the Idol void

Even though it's the middle of summer, America's Got Talent would like you to sit back and pretend you're watching American Idol. It's appropriated all the conventions of that powerhouse – hordes of screaming fans waving posters, sympathetic interviews with the host after performing, and shameless mugging for the camera as the dial-in numbers are announced. Without the giant red X's, with which the judges were apparently unable to part, you might be able to fool yourself that it's still March, and that Boy Shakira is really Sanjaya with a blond wig. Hey, it's a smart strategy. Why not steal as much as you can from the biggest hit on TV?

It's now the semifinals of America's Got Talent, and, as Jerry did not fail to remind us every time he drew breath, the fate of the contestants is in our hands. Good thing, too, because this whole Boy Shakira business pretty much discredits any other votes from Sharon and Piers. Thank goodness, though, there was no Boy Shakira to fuel the madness of Sharon and Piers this week. Only half of the remaining acts got a slot on this week's show in the hope of earning our votes. Five of those will go home, but we won't find out which ones until next Tuesday.

This week's performances were:

Johnny Lonestar: He delivered a high-energy performance, for sure, galloping all around the stage and throwing his lasso around, but there wasn't much more to it than that. In fact, he seemed more interested in lip-synching to "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" than performing his rope tricks.

Julienne Irwin: She clearly got a makeover between Vegas and now, because her hair is all styled up and she looks much more grown-up than she did before. But she didn't really need the makeover, because her performance of "Bless the Broken Road" was fantastic by itself. Her voice has a lot of character for someone so young, and I'm constantly impressed by her.

Kevin James: After two very strong acts in the auditions and the callbacks, this week's performance was just disappointing. The trick involved reanimating a severed hand, making it wave at the audience… and that was it. This was the act that he called "gory" in his pre-performance interview? Last time we saw him, he cut a man in half with a chainsaw and stapled him back together! If Kevin comes back, he will desperately need to step up his game.

Robert Hatcher: His performance of "Run to You" wasn't lacking in emotion, but the judges weren't keen on the hand movements and expressions he used to sell the song. As far as I'm concerned, though, it set him apart from the other singers, which he badly needed to do, because there are roughly forty-seven singers left in the competition. And the story of Robert's rise from the sewers of Cincinnati may be compelling enough to earn him some strong support, so I wouldn't be surprised if he returned next week.

Jonny Come Lately: I really like these guys (even though I've been misspelling their name for weeks, oops), but I haven't been as impressed by their other performances, like this week's "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," as I was by their first one in the auditions. And that's exactly what the Hoff told them: get that "raw energy" back. Piers, meanwhile, in a piece of criticism that I still don't get, wanted them to play something more contemporary. How much contemporary rockabilly have you heard, Piers?

Kashif: His performance of "Say Shava Shava" from Khabi Khushi Khabie Gham (according to Jerry and the closed captioning, and I'll take their words for it) didn't look so much like the nerdy guy at a party now that he's got the snappy threads and the backup dancers, but it was still as unpolished as ever. However, Kashif did inspire some of the best lines of the night from the judges: Piers said that he had the personality of "a flat pancake," while the Hoff compared the performance to "Baywatch on acid." I don't really know why; maybe David felt that he hadn't mentioned Baywatch in a while.

Butterscotch: You know how the American Idol judges are always talking about "making a song your own"? That's exactly what Butterscotch did with "Summertime": it was mellow, groovy, and, of course, full of beatbox. The best part was that she's just as good a singer as she is a beatboxer, so it's hard not to think, as David did, that she's going to win the whole competition.

Sideswipe: They were perfectly coordinated, impressively acrobatic, and extremely entertaining, but all anyone wanted to talk about was their abs. And, I mean, they've got nice abs, sure. But can we mention some other aspect of their performance, and maybe refrain from offering to rub oil all over them, Sharon? Oh, who am I kidding? If Sideswipe makes it through to next week at all, it'll be because they ripped off their shirts halfway through their routine.

Manuel Romero: I was all set to call his performance of "Have You Ever Loved a Woman" nothing special, but then Manuel proved me wrong by busting out a few lines in Spanish. Vale, aside from the lines in Spanish, it wasn't anything special. And I don't think that the Spanish and his cuteness are enough to differentiate him from the other eighty-four male singers still in the competition.

The Glamazons: They performed "Hot Stuff," the sort of song that's right up their alley. And even though the vocals were a little shaky, they turned in their best, most exciting performance so far. Honestly, if they could get Piers to offer himself up as the hot stuff they were looking for, they must have been doing something right. Go, girls!

Best of the night: Julienne Irwin, Butterscotch

Worst of the night: Kashif, Johnny Lonestar

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'America's Got Talent': Meet the finalists

I'm not sure I really saw the point of a second episode of America's Got Talent this week. Tuesday night, the acts were pared from 70 down to 35. Wednesday night, they went from 35 to 20, without any additional performances. Why couldn't the judges go straight from 70 to 20? I can only assume that America's Got Talent is trying to get us, the viewers, trained to tune in on Wednesday nights before the results shows begin. Not a bad idea, considering that I wouldn't have even realized that there was a Wednesday show this week if my DVR hadn't tipped me off to it. (You can't put anything over on my DVR. Except for last week, when the thing insisted, despite all evidence to the contrary, that America's Got Talent was new.)

We started with an update on Ivan the Urban Action Figure, who went to the hospital after crashing during his performance on Tuesday night's show. He's okay, folks – but he didn't make it through. Of course the judges were nice about it, since you can't exactly be mean to the guy who just got out of the hospital. They praised his attitude and encouraged him to come back next year, but it's still a tough break for Ivan, who even fell quite acrobatically. That's talent.

Since we saw 29 of the 35 acts go up in front of the judges, there wasn't too much time to get invested in any of the acts if you weren't already, but there were still a few heartbreaking eliminations, like those of seven-year-old Sage, nice guy/singer Michael, and, one of my favorite acts, The Three Redneck Tenors. One of the Tenors actually began to argue with the judges, sure that they couldn't be serious. He had quite a high opinion of his act, to make such a fuss over it, but I had a very high opinion of them, too, so I was egging him on. Ah, well. See you at the Metropolitan Opry, guys.

So here they are, your 20 finalists:

• Sideswipe, martial arts troupe
• Terry Fator, ventriloquist
• Johnny Lone Star, cowboy act
• Kevin James, magician
• Second Story Guys, dancers on stilts
• The Fault Line, singers
• Popovich Pet Theater, pet circus
• Southern Girl, singers
• The Duttons, country band
• Boy Shakira, dancer (yes, he made it, and if you saw David Hasselhoff's face as they were delivering the news, you knew he made it - it was like the Hoff had given up on life)
• Glamazons, singers
• Cas Haley, singer
• Manuel Romero, singer
• Calypso Tumblers, dancers
• Butterscotch, singer/beatboxer
• Jason Pritchett, singer
• Robert Hatcher, singer
• Johnny Come Lately, rockabilly band
• Kashif, Bollywood dancer
• Julienne Irwin, singer

Now it's all up to you. And the judges some more. But also you!

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Calculating the top 35 on 'America's Got Talent'

The Las Vegas callbacks are here! After a month of auditions, America's Got Talent has finally reached the point where the judges have to choose between (mostly) good acts. No more messing around with yodelers and big giant hands; I'm actually going to miss some of the acts who go now.

Our intrepid host Jerry Springer started off the evening by explaining the intricacies of the callback round. Good thing he did, too, because it all sounds like a math problem on the SAT. 70 acts made it through to Las Vegas, but only 20 will make it to the live performance shows. The acts were separated into two groups, music and variety, and from those two groups the judges chose a total of 35 acts, from which, on Wednesday night's show, they will choose the final 20. Everybody got that?

First up: the musical acts. Since they compressed all the music acts into half an hour, the show really only had time to feature eight acts, and, unsurprisingly, six of them made it through. Those six were: the big, beautiful Glamazons, the high-energy teens of Johnny Come Lately, Jewel-esque Fallon, singer/beatboxer Butterscotch, country singer/teddy bear Cas, and Michael the singing teacher. All good acts, and I was particularly glad to see the Glamazons, Johnny Come Lately, and Butterscotch survive, because they were all acts that I was charmed by in the auditions. As were The Three Redneck Tenors, who also made it into the final 35, despite getting precious little screen time.

But there was one truly shocking elimination among the musical acts: sweet, plucky singer Cinda. From the first time I saw her – and I really mean the first time, like in the promos from back in May – I was sure she was going to win it all. She had a good voice, she was heavily featured in the promos, and she kept saying inspiring things about how you have to follow your dream and nothing is impossible and this would mean everything to her. With editing like that, I wasn't crazy to think that she would at least make it to the live shows, right? Weren't they trying to get us to root for her? Not that it really took with me, but weren't they trying?

The variety acts fared worse than their musical counterparts: in one particular case, much, much worse. I'm sure you saw the promos that hyped a medical emergency and a contestant getting carted off in an ambulance. That contestant was Ivan the Urban Action Figure, who started out his act by attempting to jump over a line of metal folding chairs. He crashed into them, fell over, and lay quite scarily still, but the problem was that he executed such a neat flip on his head that no one realized at first that it wasn't part of the act. Thankfully, he came to and was just fine, but I'm still a little shaken up by the experience. It's just so rare that a reality show "medical emergency" turns out to be a real trauma.

For the other variety acts, the problem was that the judges had already given 21 of the 35 slots away to musical acts, so the competition among them was much fiercer. It's not terribly surprising – musical acts always have the edge – but it meant that some very good acts, like baton twirler John Mitchell, had to go home. And yet, somehow, Boy Shakira, bane of David Hasselhoff's existence, landed a spot in the top 35. Oh, Boy Shakira is a sweetheart, and I'm sure if I ever met him I'd like him a lot. But I don't think he's a good enough dancer to stay in the competition. I'm actually starting to wonder if Piers and Sharon are keeping him there just to hassle the Hoff. (Which they really shouldn't be doing. Haven't they read his book?)

Wednesday: the final 35 become the even more final 20. Will Boy Shakira inexplicably make it past this cut, too? And if he does, will the Hoff go on strike?

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'America's Got Talent': If I can make it there…

For the final week of auditions, America's Got Talent came to New York City, the city where America's dreams of the stage begin, and, in many cases, die. But who cares about the ones who fail, unless they're so appallingly bad as to make good TV?

Take, for example, the Pennsylvania Hand Band. They had two guys in tuxes who claimed that they were classically trained. But that was neither here nor there, unless you can be classically trained in making fart noises with your hands. The other member of their group, by the way, was a man in a giant hand costume whose entire job, as near as I could tell, was to stand around in a giant hand costume. Clearly, these guys were never going to make it, but the Big Giant Hand assured their place in the final cut of the episode.

So remember last week's drama over Boy Shakira, the act that the Hoff hated and Sharon and Piers put through anyway? New York brought about exactly the same thing, thanks to Leonid the Magnificent. You may remember him as the guy who auditioned last year wearing a pair of angel wings and some body paint; this time he was dressed as, I think, an Aztec priest wearing body paint. Again, Sharon and Piers said yes, and again, David stormed off. And again, I agree with David Hasselhoff. It was cool that Leonid refused to apologize for who he was to David, but the fact remains that the act was baffling. (What was with the girls with chains?) By the way, it feels strange enough for me to say that I agree with David Hasselhoff, but what's even stranger is that I seem to be making a habit of it.

Some of my favorite acts of the night:

• Illmatic Styles: You will be inspired by this dance troupe. From the moment that the tearjerking strains of "I'll Stand by You" assailed your ears in the intro clips, it was pretty obvious that these guys were going to sail through and provide a great story. And they did; one of their members, Luka, aka "Lazy Legz," had a muscular disorder that left him with little mobility in his legs, but he came out and spun and jumped around along with the rest of his crew. They were a good act, but Luka and his crew would have been just as inspirational without the show telling us how inspirational they were.
• Philadelphia Plowden: A stand-up comic who was brave enough to do an entire set about Hurricane Katrina. I wasn't sure at first, but he got in some pretty good barbs. I'd like to see what other material he's got.
• Glamazons: They were the plus-size Pussycat Dolls, according to – well, everyone – and their performance of "Lady Marmalade" scored a point for normal-sized women everywhere. Thank you, Glamazons, for giving me the confidence to eat that cookie dough ice cream in my freezer.
• Three Redneck Tenors: Another one of those unexpected gems. Three guys came out in ridiculous mullet wigs, sang an a capella version of Beethoven's Fifth, and it was actually fabulous.

And while we're on the subject, there were a couple of acts that I appreciated for what I will freely admit are frivolous reasons. One was Rubberboy, a contortionist who inspired the line of the night from David Hasselhoff: "You hurt me, Rubberboy." (I'm going to try to use that in casual conversation.) The other was The Great Throwdini, a "dangerous creepy reverend" (Piers' words) with a knife-throwing act. The act itself was all right, but what I really loved about Throwdini was that he went by the same stage name as Dave's knife-throwing nemesis on NewsRadio. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you owe it to yourself to find out.

Meet you back here in two weeks for the Vegas callbacks!

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A weird and wonderful night on 'America's Got Talent'

It was a night for strange acts on America's Got Talent.

Of course the Chicago auditions had its share of the usual dancers and singers, but there are other shows for those talents. To see the truly weird, you've got to come here, and if you did, you didn't come away disappointed. There were plenty of acts that sounded, at first blush, like they would be awful, and some of them were: the banjo-playing Tuvan throat singer and the guy who broke stuff with his butt were prime examples. I do have to admit that I didn't hate the woman whose music combined – this is true – Gregorian chant, gospel, and blues. From a purely academic standpoint, it was fascinating, but this is not America's Got Esoteric Talent. Besides, it wasn't really good music, for all its inventiveness.

But there were a few acts that were much better than they sounded. The Fault Line, an acapella rock group, and the 2nd Story Guys, a dance troupe on stilts, easily exceeded expectations and turned in some great performances. They were the kind of acts that America's Got Talent was made for – fun, original, and totally incapable of fitting in anywhere else. They're the ones I watch this show to see, because where else are you going to see a suprisingly cool act on stilts?

As for controversy, well, there was a little of that, too. Perhaps taking his cue from Sharon's and Piers' walkout of a couple of weeks ago, the Hoff left the stage in a huff to protest the other judges giving a pass to Boy Shakira. Since Boy Shakira was not one of those acts that was better than it sounded (it was exactly the way it sounded), I'm on David Hasselhoff's side on this. I honestly don't know what Sharon and Piers were thinking. Look, Boy Shakira was a sweet kid, and charmingly delusional as opposed to sadly delusional, which, in itself, is refreshing. But he had no business getting through. And I don't feel bad about saying no to him, because his mom is proud of him, and that makes him really lucky. Really, really lucky.

My favorite acts of the night:

• Butterscotch, a beatboxer. She was lucky enough to audition in the Year of the Beatboxer, but even without Blake Lewis to blaze the trail, Butterscotch would be through, no problem. She had perfect timing and good vocals. Will the Blake Effect carry her through to the finals?
• Cas, a singer who performed "Walking on the Moon" better, according to Piers, than Sting. Since singers always have an edge, he'll be one to watch.
• Sideswipe, a martial arts/acrobatics group. They performed some amazing stunts, and it certainly didn't hurt matters that the group was composed entirely of buff young guys.
• Terry, a ventriloquist, who complained in his pre-audition interview that, after all his years of hard work, America still didn't know his name. At home, I was starting to think that there was a reason for that, possibly tied to the fact that no one likes ventriloquists. But his act, in which his puppet belted out "At Last" in true Etta James fashion, actually wasn't bad. In fact, it was – dare I say it – good. And he even got in a nice Ashlee Simpson lip-synching joke. Congratulations, Terry, for breaking down my prejudices concerning ventriloquists.

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'Britain's Got Talent'? Rather!

You might not have realized this, but Britain does occasionally steal show ideas from the U.S. It's rare, but it happens. Case in point: Britain's Got Talent, the spinoff which did in nine days what America's Got Talent stretches out over three months. (I have to say, I like the way the British do things.) Anyway, the British version had its finale this past Sunday night, and the winner was, of all things, an amateur opera singer. Sounds suspect, I know, but Paul Potts brought the house down when he auditioned with Nessun Dorma. Just watch.

So, between watching that video and watching this season of America's Got Talent, I'm wondering: where's our Paul? Cat circuses and acrobats and dance troupes are all very well, and there have been a few good singers, but nothing quite so inspiring and surprising. I suppose last year's winner, the young, big-voiced Bianca Ryan, was a comparable surprise, but we have yet to see anything like that this season. Not to say that we won't; we're not out of the audition phase yet, after all, and Hasselhoff isn't done sniffing out talent. But I'm ready for our own Paul Potts, that one act that will show up and set these auditions on fire.

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Playing nice on America's Got Talent

The judges were awfully nice this week, weren't they?

After Piers Morgan's harsh criticism of the younger contestants on America's Got Talent sent Sharon Osbourne running backstage last week, it was a relief to see the judges being so kind to everyone at the Los Angeles auditions. Well, mostly everyone; there was the usual assortment of oddball acts that earned criticism, including an electric violin-playing set of twins who got some of the worst treatment of the night. They were stopped once, and protested that they hadn't gotten to the singing part yet. So the judges allowed them to continue, and cut them off just as they opened their mouths to sing.

Aside from that, however, the judges were mostly positive. On one occasion, David Hasselhoff is even affectionate, going onstage to hug Chinese acrobat Liang after she starts to cry. Piers, Sharon, and the Hoff put through most of the acts that we saw, including a few borderline acts, like Michael the music teacher and Ivan the "Urban Action Figure." Those acts probably won't make it much further, but they can thank the supportive audience, and the goodness of the judges' hearts, for giving them a chance at Las Vegas.

Meanwhile, I find myself really liking Jerry Springer as the host. He's certainly got perfect comic timing (remember last week when he brought out the baby just as Piers was complaining there were too many family members on stage?) and it seems like he befriends everyone backstage, from the auditioners themselves to their families. It's almost surprising to see how invested he gets in how the contestants fare, cheering when they're put through and yelling encouragement from the side of the stage when the judges waver. He goes so far as to take his shirt off in support of a male bellydancer. It doesn't work, but it was a courageous try nonetheless.

Some of my favorite acts of the evening:

• Cinda: You've seen her in the promos for weeks; she's the singer who says that it would mean "everything" for her to advance in the competition. She's a mom, trying to support her kids and go after her dream, and she sings "One Night Only" to great effect. You'll be seeing a lot of her.



• Popovich Comedy Pet Theater: Not only is this act different – a sort of cat circus, where the felines climb poles, jump through hoops, and scurry across balance beams on their front paws – but the man in charge gets big ups from me for training cats to do all this. Not to mention saving them from shelters.



• Johnny Come Lately: They're a rockabilly band composed entirely of 15-year-olds, and they give a high-energy performance of "Hound Dog." First fast, then slow, then fast again, and before you know it, everyone's jumping on the big double bass, including the bassist himself. I can't wait to see more of them.

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America's Got Talent: Does It? Does It Really?

America's Got Talent, NBC's talent contest/sideshow is back, with a couple of minor changes. Jerry Springer is the new host, replacing… who was the old host again? I completely forget. Shatner? Donny Osmond? Okay, I just looked it up, and apparently it was Regis. Whatever, the host has such an important role anyway. Sharon Osbourne is the new judge, replacing Brandy, who's got some things she needs to deal with. And while divorce, alcohol, and burgers have all conspired to take David Hasselhoff down, you can't defeat the Hoff that easily. If it should come to nuclear war, the only survivors will be David Hasselhoff, Dick Clark, and Little Richard. So, no, he's not going anywhere. Token British judge Piers Morgan is still around, too, because every talent show needs a mean British judge. (Oddly enough, America's Got Talent has two Paulas, as both Sharon and the Hoff are a little loopy.)

The Dallas auditions get off to a positively horrifying start when a Barry White-voiced guy comes out in a fedora and bathrobe to sing "Don't Cha." And yes, I suppose it wasn't very pleasant when he stripped off his robe and started dancing around shirtless like Chris Farley as a Chippendale, but mostly, it was "Don't Cha" that nearly made me change the channel. I'm so sick of "Don't Cha," but I'm even more sick of the ironic use of "Don't Cha." Can we find another national joke, please?

It does get better – how could it not, when it starts with overexposed PCD – and there are several good acts, but quite a few of the ones they put through end up being musical acts. I feel like singers have too much of an edge on this show, because of the residual American Idol appeal, and the fact that no one is going to think their act is crazy or stupid. Last year's winner was a singer, and I have every reason to think that this year's winner will be one too. I'd like to see what would happen in a talent contest that doesn't include singers or musicians. And considering the popularity of talent shows these days, I'm sure I'll get my wish. But on to last night's notable acts.

The Accepted:
The Duttons: They're a family country band, and they've got some seriously cool moves, including quite a bit of trick fiddle playing – behind the back, bowing the neighbor's fiddle, and so on. I'm not usually one for fiddles, but even I liked them.
Meghan Miller: Ventriloquist act. She does a nice rendition of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" with her puppets, but I'm not sure she'll get very far. In fact, if she weren't a cute teenage girl, I doubt she would have passed the audition.
Fallon: Cute blond girl with a guitar. She sings Jewel, "Who Will Save Your Soul," and she gets a lot of points from me for not trying to sing like Jewel, because that's always a losing proposition. I look forward to seeing what else she can do.
Jabbawockeez: It sounds weird – a masked hip-hop dance crew – but they're quite good.
Mr. Big "Who's the Guy" Beal: His name is stupid, but the guy can play the sax, and he dances around the stage like a maniac, and it's great. Good times.

The X'd:
Adam Aaron Michaels: He looks like Liberace dressed as Elvis, and he gets about two seconds onstage before they give him the hook. I think he would have more luck as a Liberace impersonator.
Mr. Bill: Not a great singer, but a nice guy, and it's sadness all around when the audience starts to boo him. Even Piers feels bad for him. How did the audience get to be crueler than the Mean British Judge?
Human Slinky: Just like it sounds. I'm sure he'll have a great career performing in halftime shows at basketball games, just like the Horn Guy. However, the act is notable for the Hoff's reaction alone. He calls it a "giant colon going berserk," and he really seems to be scared, like he thinks it's going to attack him. So if you ever meet the Hoff, don't come at him with a colon.
Brandon Pereyda: He calls himself an "aerialist," and he twirls around on these long strips of cloth suspended from the ceiling, and it's all very Cirque du Soleil, but a little rough. However, he is extremely buff and shirtless. Points for that.
The Pec Brothers: Their pecs bounce to "Dueling Banjos." It's funny, but not exactly something you can go on the road with. More like entertainment at a family reunion after everyone's gotten nice and drunk.

The Kids:
Erica Marks: Okay, so a theme emerges as we're going through the auditions: Piers is mean to kids, and it's breaking Sharon's heart. Hoff mostly stays above the fray, or maybe he's off in his own world and doesn't know what's going on. It starts with Erica, who sings this year's power song, "(And I Am Telling You) I'm Not Going." She's not great, but she's not bad, certainly not bad enough to warrant Piers' scathing criticism of her. But this is just a prelude to…
Breeze: This little girl with crimped, streaked hair comes out and does a little cheer routine, and it's not good. Piers blames the mother, the mother comes out and defends herself, and before you know it, Sharon has gone off to her dressing room, Piers has followed, and the poor kid is still standing there on stage, because they haven't voted on her yet. She's extremely gracious and sweet about it, but I really hope that girl got, like, a giant slab of chocolate cake that night, because she didn't deserve all that.
Bob Moore and his dogs: Not a kid, but I'm including the act here because it proves that Piers hates puppies as well as kids. The dog act isn't that great, but you've got to give the guy credit for not only training those dogs, but rescuing them from the pound as well. But Piers has to go and say that he should send most of the dogs back to the pound. And then Piers shrugs on his puppy-fur coat and goes home for a relaxing evening of kicking puppies. He's not a fan of puppies, is what I'm saying.

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