We begin, though, with the Midnight Lingerie Show: The night before the big Custo Barcelona casting, Janice ambushes her models with an Ed Hardy Intimates fashion show. At 1 AM. Riiight. After a frantic hour of preparation, the models strut their almost-naked stuff in front of 1,800 screaming fans. Janice is thrilled with the results, as are the models.
Custo Barcelona Casting: At the big casting, everyone is excited, nervous, etc., etc. The Custo reps say that they’re looking to shoot four great girls, and two great guys. Kehoe makes the mortal error of wearing aussieBum underwear, forgetting, perhaps, aussieBum’s big fight with Janice. Janice, labeling it an intentional slight towards her, cuts the underwear right off him in front of the client. They choose Chris Jones and J.P. for the guys, but pick Payton as a backup to try on the clothes as well.
The photographer is extremely picky when it comes to women’s bodies, and suggests that Janice import more girls. She convinces Custo to give Alexis, Nadia, and Desirée a second look, but when they want to bring the girls in for a fitting, Janice suddenly demands that they pay the models for it. Peter worries that the client will walk, but Janice is adamant. And yes, of course, it wouldn’t be Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency if they weren’t fighting about it in front of the client, with Janice squawking, “New rule!” over and over again. Professionalism, thy name is Janice. Janice completely fails to learn her lesson, of course, as Custo ends up booking all six models, since they would’ve been paying for them anyway.
Custo Barcelona Shoot: The morning of the shoot, Janice does a very poor job disguising her open disdain for Peter. The models, in the meantime, are a bit pissed that they haven’t been told what the pay for the shoot will be. And Alexis has some new scars, which worries Janice (and me). But she should have bigger worries, since her models stayed out late the night before and are totally sucking hardcore in the eyes of the picky photographer. Oh, the life of the World’s First Supermodel is not an easy one.
Luckily, the models pick up their game later in the day, pleasing the client. Alexis, especially, is a standout for the photographer. Janice fishes for details about Chris Jones and Alexis’s relationship, but is quickly distracted when she discovers that it’s a two-day shoot, which was news to her, and news to her models (but not news to Peter). No one is happy. Especially since the models still aren’t sure how much they’re being paid. The models head over to Peter’s room to stage a mass protest that night, and after waking him up, they threaten to skip out on the shoot in the morning. Peter’s pissed, but still doesn’t give them a solid answer on the rate, leaving it at “at least $600.” Obviously, they end up showing up at the shoot anyway, and it goes very well despite Peter’s and Janice’s absence.
Janice v. Peter: Total Smackdown: : In fact, while the models are shooting, Janice is meeting with Peter and her attorney in order to dissolve her partnership with Peter. She leaves it to her attorney to break the news, possibly because it’s tough for her enormously swollen lips to form words. Peter takes it pretty well, leaving Janice to repeatedly say things like, “It’s over,” and “Please go,” in an attempt to create some drama. Peter reminds us in an interview that there could be a fight between attorneys over everything down to the rights to the agency’s name, but Janice has already moved on, calling this the happiest day of her life. (Don’t listen, Nathan and daughter who’s never mentioned on the show anymore!)
We end the season with Janice announcing to her models that she’s asked Peter to leave. HOW will they respond? WHAT will Peter do? WHY do I watch this show, again? Find out next season, on the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Farewell, Peter! We'll miss the drama you created...
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Get ready for a CRAZY cliffhanger!
The opening salvos of WWIII?: We rejoin Janice at the Ed Hardy casting as she and Peter fight it out over his pulling JP and Dominic from the job due to a conflict with 2(x)ist. Janice convinces Christian to book them anyway, ensuring future conflict, because manufactured drama is the low-carb bread and fat-free margarine of Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. I gotta say, if JP was definitely on hold for 2(x)ist and Dominic was confirmed, how the hell did they make it to the casting in the first place? Peter says he's left picking up the pieces, but it seems like multiple people dropped the ball here. And no one's happy about the conflict.
Vegas, baby!: Let's see...we get a bunch of junk about some models not wanting to go in the pool, Desireé thinking she's too good to hang out with most of the other models, Janice semi-fighting over the phone with Daria's boyfriend and/or husband, Janice chillin' with the models in the pool, Janice yelling at the models for drinking...it all seems pretty pointless, to be honest.
JP/Rodrigo: Since their date, JP and Rodrigo have been playing it cool. If by "playing it cool," you mean, "pretending if never happened." At least on JP's end. And yeah, Vegas is awk-ward! JP and Rodrigo are coincidentally sharing a room, and totally avoiding any conversation on what happened between them (with hopes from JP that Rodrigo will just let the whole thing go). Rodrigo tells CC about the situation (amusingly, she had no clue JP was gay), and it becomes clear that Rodrigo is a bit more hopeful about the relationship than JP. Aww. JP later confesses to Traci that he's just not ready to be in a relationship. Um, perhaps you should be confessing that to Rodrigo, dude.
Manufactured Drama: Janice meets with Jason from 2(x)ist to clear up the confusion over model bookings. Jason clarifies that Dominic was booked, but not JP, and that there seems to be some miscommunication between Peter and Janice. Um, thanks, Captain Obvious. Basically, JDMA comes across as totally unprofessional. Janice smoothes things over, Jason is understanding, and Peter is thrown under the bus.
Ain't no party like a Janice party: Janice is so psyched for the pre-show party that I assume she never gets invited to parties anymore (understandably), and is thus packing all her partying into one night. She's very concerned with keeping her models from drinking, until she's distracted by the fact that Desireé isn't at the party. At which point she gets really pissed. To be fair, Janice has always been awful to Desireé. Also to be fair, Desireé was completely unprofessional about being insanely late to the party, and then immediately leaving. Yeah, you're technically just getting paid for the runway, but come on, dude. After a quick photo shoot with all the models (sans Desireé), Janice and Christian "accidentally" fall into the pool. Because there's really no other way to end the party, when you think about it.
Showtime: At the Project trade show, the models are psyched to walk the runway. The theme is apparently Mad Max, but I think it looks more Tank Girl, personally. Which is way awesomer in my book. Once she shows up, Desireé gets chewed out for missing the shoot, and Janice prepares for a future showdown. The whole show goes smoothly, unbelievably enough, and everyone is thrilled. Wow. I don't have much to write about when things go well.
Kehoe/Traci: Finally, the Ross and Rachel of the modeling world are going on a date! A first date the likes of which the universe has never known! ...Okay, you know what? I can't even fake enthusiasm. Kehoe and Traci go on a date. It's kind of cute, there's a bit of conflict over her date with Nathan, she smooches Kehoe on the cheek, he reasserts his heterosexuality, and the sexual tension is about as thick as air. Really dry air. At a high altitude. Yawn.
CAN YOU HANDLE THE SUSPENSE?!?!: Finally, Janice calls a meeting with all the models, sans Peter. She announces that there will be changes in the agency, mentioning that some models have been doing better than others. (Cue everyone looking worried.) After a warning to the models to start working their butts off, she leaves us with this: "All I can say is, everything is about to change."
Next week: JDMA hits Miami! Plus the usual scandal and intrigue, of course.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: I'd rather go naked than watch Janice get plastic surgery
Jack Henry Shoot: Back at the Jack Henry shoot, Erika is still sucking hardcore and pissing off Tia, the owner, to the point where Tia goes into a spastic series of poses as an example for her, from the disturbing “Yo, wazzup?” to the perplexing “Sad Clown.” Happily, Janice shows up before my eyeballs can be further damaged by either Tia’s insane posing or Erika’s enormous forehead (in Tyra terms, it’s more of a tenhead than a fivehead). Janice puts up a fight, but Tia insists upon replacing Erika with Ligia, who knocks it out of the park.
Another excuse for Janice to get her models naked: In a side plot that gets my vegan seal of approval, we move on to a presentation given to the models by Dan Mathews from PETA, who blows their delicate model minds with news that animals used for fur aren’t exactly given the spa treatment. The words “anally electrocuted” are bandied about, just to give you an example, and a tape is shown revealing how inhumanely the animals are treated. I give the show a hearty “Hells yeah!” for giving PETA this platform, and I encourage anyone who is at ALL on board with wearing fur to do a little reading before buying their next jacket with fur trim. Because it’s really, really not okay.
Janice declares her agency fur-free, and signs her models up for an “I’d rather go naked than wear fur” protest on Hollywood Boulevard (in their underwear, for those who don’t want to risk being arrested). Janice gives models the option to look like heartless animal-haters and opt out, and Ligia takes the bait. Uncool, Ligia, but props for standing up for your (cough*cruel*cough) beliefs in the face of a lot of aggressive pressure from your fellow models.
The protest draws a big crowd of onlookers, media, and law enforcement. Kehoe, in a moment of passion, even gets totally naked (and luckily avoids arrest). As someone who’s participated in more than my share of anti-fur protests, I feel the need to mock the models a bit for their lack of creative chants (“PETA, PETA!” may not be getting your message across), but it really is great exposure for the cause. Well-played, Janice. To quote Sorin on the subject, “She might be nuts, crazy, but she has a good heart.”
Dragonfly: We get a quick casting for the Dragonfly clothing store, which is looking for models who look like dead rock stars. Okay, that may be in poor taste. Maria pisses Janice off by basically telling the client to look at her. It doesn’t pay off, as Desireé, Ligia, Braneka, Dominique, Crystal, Nadia, Traci, Isaac, Payton, Alex, Kehoe, and Grant get the job. For several of them, this will be their first job.
Braneka is excited to be portraying Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes from TLC, and completely rocks it out. Payton, portraying Elvis, is painfully wooden and unrehearsed. Alex, as Jim Morrison, actually did his research, which helps. For the curious, the other models we see are Desireé as Kurt Cobain, Dominique as Janis Joplin, Traci as Joey Ramone, and Kehoe and Crystal as Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen. Everything goes uncharacteristically smoothly, which may or may not be related to the fact that Peter is filling in for Janice while she's...well, see below.
Gross: Janice, in the pursuit of flawlessness and publicity, goes under the knife for a tummy tuck, even letting Entertainment Tonight into the operating room for a pre-op interview. Um…props for being honest about it, I suppose? On the one hand, I think people should know that Janice’s figure doesn’t come naturally at that age, so they shouldn’t even bother starving themselves or whatever. On the other hand, does putting it out in the open just make plastic surgery more culturally acceptable? Something to think about, certainly. Aaaaand, now we can add “Janice Dickinson’s stomach being sliced open and sewn back together” to the list of things I’ve seen and wish I could erase from my memory. That’s all I’m gonna say on the subject.
SensiClear: We get some footage of CC trying SensiClear and hoping she books the job, despite the fact that it hasn't really helped her skin that much. The day of the reveal, several of the models seem to be showing serious improvement, though it’s a bit tough to say, given the amount of makeup they’re wearing. The four finalists who will be in the infomercial are CC (the only actual JDMA model up for the job), Tom, Megan, and Eli, but the year-long $10,000 contract goes to Eli, who showed a ton of improvement. Or is wearing a ton of makeup. Again, it's hard to tell.
Ed Hardy/Janice vs. Peter - Round One: Despite orders to be on bed rest, Janice comes in to meet with repeat client Christian Audigier from Ed Hardy, since she thinks he’s too important to meet with just Peter. He wants to cast his big runway show in Vegas, and chooses CC, Desireé, Lisa, Lakiska, and Daria as his favorites. Maria, especially, is pissed to not be booked. For the guys, he likes Dominic, JP, Michael, Payton, and Rodrigo. Peter runs in to announce that JP and Dominic aren’t available to do the show because they’re booked for 2(x)ist (which is news to a pissed-off JP), and Janice freaks out and tells him he needs to leave the set. Which, yeah, there is some definite miscommunication going on here, though it's hard to say from what we've seen who's at fault.
Next week: Janice and Peter fight some more, unsurprisingly.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: So...much...grease...
We rejoin the models at the Rufskin shoot, where Christian, Michael, Danny, and Maurice are drinking and sweating their way into gay soft-porn stardom. Janice, as we know, wasn't cool with the drinking part. And wow, there is So. Much. Crack. Like, right in our faces. Danny breaks thousands of gay hearts by confirming that he's straight (along with the other models in the shoot), even though he seems very comfortable posing in a denim thong.
Seriously, this is insane. These dudes are in underwear, greased up with water pouring on them, lying on top of each other and coming within an inch of face-to-package contact. Janice is proud of them like their mothers never will be. You should be able to see some of the Rufskin pictures here, if you have a "greasy guys in scraps of denim" fetish.
Moving on, we've got a new client--SensiClear. And the head guy wants to book all of Janice's models with the worst possible skin, since he's selling an acne control product. They'll all use the product for a month, and then one will be selected to appear in infomercials for a year. Janice, of course, doesn't have any models with even one blackhead, because her agency recruits naught but perfection itself. Thus, open casting call! For, um, models with bad skin.
Scandalous sideplot--Nathan and Traci are going on a date! ...Because Traci thought it wasn't enough to be on Janice's bad side weight-wise. She wanted to seal her tomb completely by dating Janice's son. Oh, Traci. Such a bad call. Janice will CUT you. And I don't mean from the agency, either. She's old school. Nathan (or a producer) decides that JP will chaperone with a blind date, amusingly enough. The perfect guy for JP? Rodrigo, from the agency's Latino division. JP is on board.
Nathan has arranged a crazy ego-mobile, with huge flat-screen TVs on the side showing evidence of why Traci is "the hottest girl in the agency." Um...adorable? They head off to a water park, where JP and Rodrigo hit it off big time (seriously, really cute), and Traci finds herself trying to bring Nathan out of his shell. I kind of tear up a little when JP describes what it means to him to be comfortable kissing another guy in public. Shut up. It's really sweet and touching and awesome.
At the restaurant, JP and Rodrigo share another kiss and eagerly agree to go out again, while Traci and Nathan do some smooching in a different booth. Nathan gives the necessary "I'm still a playa"-type quote, and once she finds out about Nathan and Traci, Janice is furious. (Because he's dating a model, or because it's Traci the "fatty"?) She says that you can't mix business with pleasure, which seems fair, but then goes off the deep end by asking what would happen if "one of these girls" (um, Traci is the only one) stuck pins in his condoms. There's a whole crazy interview where she yells about favoritism, too. In the end, she asks that he promise not to go out with her again, and he confirms that he likes being single.
Of course, Janice has to chat with Traci, too. First question: "So, how's my son in bed?" Oof. Traci says that they just went on a date, and are just having fun, and then realizes that she's not doing such a good job separating her personal life and her job. Janice asks that Traci not date Nathan anymore, and Traci agrees. Well, that was anti-climatic.
Back to the actual modeling agency stuff, it's time for the SensiClear open call! Man, there's nothing I love more on a Tuesday night than watching close-ups of people's acne on my TV screen. (Note to God: Please do not karmically afflict me with cystic acne.) Acne dude interviews the prospective models about their skin issues and attempts at self-medication using urine (yes, urine...no, I can't even make a joke about that), and Janice also introduces him to six of her existing models with skin problems. Even though she already said that none of her models have skin problems. CC, in particular, does some hardcore crying. Way to sell it, CC. Acne guy and Janice agree that CC is totally the girl.
However, they need to pick a bunch of models, to make sure the product works on someone, so a number of models from the open call get picked. One that doesn't get picked (cough*urinegirl*cough) starts sobbing, and Janice basically pressures acne guy to include her. When he does, she sobs harder, and all the other models start clapping, but you know they're all hating her and her extra screen time.
CC interviews that Janice has become almost like a second mom to her, which disturbs me on a number of levels. Janice takes CC to a spa day, and CC loves the one-on-one time with her completely dysfunctional surrogate mom. Janice and CC get into a deep talk about their common childhood issues (CC's mom was an alcoholic), and I guess it's actually good that CC has someone to share with, though it's a bit sad that she's having to cry through her issues on national television.
But don't get too invested in that plot, because on JDMA, we flash from one thing to the next like nobody's business. We're off to a casting for the Jack Henry boutique, which is about to open to the public. Obnoxiously, the owner, Tia, has decided to use labeled polaroids of models for all the exclusive designer stuff she sells instead of price tags. Um, absurd. Like, "Hey, someone already wore this! For long enough to do a photo shoot in it! Enjoy the sweat stains!"
The girls try on the clothes and take photos in them in the casting, and Tia has a crazy high-concept idea about emotions and styles that leads to her choosing Nyabel, Crystal, and Erika. This will be Erika's first real job. And she has a giant, alien-like forehead. Tia also chooses to put an option on Ligia, just in case.
At the shoot, it's assembly-line style, with high pressure to do well quickly. Crystal rocks it, Nyabel also does well (provoking a clip-fest of how much Peter and Janice fought about her), and Erika totally bombs. She gets a pep talk (money quote from the photographer: "We're selling clothes today; we're not selling boring attitudes. Come on!"), then a lesson by Tia, and still doesn't work it out, leaving Tia with no choice but to discuss it with Janice. Aaaand, scene.
Next week: Um, Erika still sucks, and Janice and Peter are still fighting. Yeah.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Trouble, with a capital "T"
We rejoin Janice and company at the Ashley Paige photo shoot, where Ashley and Janice are struggling for control. Obviously, Janice wins the staredown, and once dominance has been established, the shoot goes more smoothly. And smoothly doesn't work for Janice, so she chooses this as the time to confront Alexis about her scars and bruises. In that her patented, sensitive style: "Are you slashing yourself? Because if you are, I'll know it." Alexis admits to cutting back when she was fourteen during a hard time in her life, but says that it's completely over now.
To her credit, Janice does take the conversation to another level, offering help, empathy, and support. She shares the fact that her father was a bad guy, and Alexis says that hers was, as well. Janice encourages Alexis to come talk to her if she gets the urge to hurt herself again. Aww, it's actually fairly touching. Though as I look at Alexis, I wonder if she's taking control of her life right now by starving herself, because seriously, you can count her ribs. Oh, and the way the Ashley Paige shoot almost fell apart has apparently made Janice question her and Peter's partnership even further. I'm guessing that might be important later. Because otherwise, this show has some really random editing.
Back at the agency, Nathan (Janice's long-lost son and head of the agency's commercial division) is back from a trip to Europe and ready to work. But first (man, we're jumping around a lot), a casting for Genlux Magazine, a high-end fashion publication. Or so we're told. They're looking for 2-4 sophisticated female models for an editorial spread. After looking at the lineup, the clients go over photos and mention that they like Desiree, at which point Janice totally trashes her, saying she's a [w]itch with a terrible attitude. Peter isn't quite on board with this strategy of booking models, oddly enough. The clients end up choosing Lakiska, Daria, and Crystal.
At the shoot, Janice says she'll stay in the background, but (incredibly predictably) this doesn't end up being the case. She rags on Lakiska's performance to the extreme, yells at Daria for getting married to someone who may not support her career (while impersonating her sex life, which pisses Daria off), and accuses her of being pregnant. We also get a sidebar about Crystal's extreme weight loss, which, true. The girl's anorexic, and clearly realizes it (and its impact on her health) in interviews, though she thinks she needs to keep it going in order to book jobs. Modeling is so sad! At least Janice is concerned...though when I think about how much weight she must've lost to get Janice worried? Wow.
Meanwhile, Nathan meets with his dad, Simon Fields, whose company works with Jennifer Lopez's company in some capacity. And, success! He gets the hook-up with Gina from Sweetface, who comes by to look at some models for an upcoming project with one of J.Lo's lines (justsweet), which is apparently a huge deal. She takes a look at the Latina models as well as Janice's usual suspects, and picks out Ligia, Daria, and Lisa to try on some clothes and to keep them on file.
Next client: Rufskin Denim, a risqué gay denim company. They're looking for models for their website, and wow. There is a lot of ass and package showing when the guys try on the clothes. Like, jeans with a giant swatch cut out of the rear area. And denim speedo-type shorts. Or underwear? I...don't understand where you could wear these items. And I'm happy to stay in the dark, thank you very much.
J.P. is a little uncomfortable, and seriously, he can't be the only one. He's especially worried that he'll be typecast as a gay model, but he sucks it up and auditions like a pro. Rufskin chooses Danny, Michael, Maurice, and Christian--more models than originally planned, and two models from the Latino division.
Um, elsewhere and very randomly, Chris Jones hosts a (mostly) male model poker night at his place...in his tighty whiteys. There's some "you're gay, Kehoe" trash-talking, there's some talk of the Janice/Peter tension, and general drunken merriment. Honestly, it's not as entertaining as one might hope.
At the Rufskin shoot, though, Trouble Strikes. As always. The boys get all denimed, leathered, taped (?!), ass-tanned, and extremely greased up. (SO disgustingly greasy!) It may or may not be gay soft porn, you guys. Janice shows up, and notices alcohol on set. She's extremely uncool with it, and asks that it be taken away. Then, she chews out Maurice for drinking. Then, the episode's over. Sigh.
Next week: More trouble in paradise, as always. Also, greased-up dudes getting uncomfortably close (for them) to other dudes' packages. Man, this show us nothing if not classy.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Jesus hates your naked body
Last time on JDMA, we ended on a SUPER INTENSE cliffhanger: Would Dominique compromise her morals and pose naked in front of old people, or would she defy Janice and risk having her eyes clawed out? Tonight, we find out. And it involves "Model4Jesus." I seriously can't wait.
At the elderly art class, Janice and Dominique meet in the middle, and Dominique ends up posing in her panties. The old people, unsurprisingly, loved the whole experience--especially the guys. Who appreciate experiencing the "variety of the human body." If by that you mean "variety of emaciated girls and well-built guys," then yeah. It's truly astonishing. Janice interviews with some B.S. about how she creates these types of situations to push her models' boundaries, and see who'll be able to make it in the long run. So...the fact that they make for dramatic television is just sugar-free icing on the fat-free cake?
Ashley Paige, swimwear designer to the stars (whose website inexplicably plays "How Sweet It Is"), is looking for a few good female models for her latest campaign. But, she decided to be a publicity whore and go to Janice's agency instead. She's looking for "tomboy natural" girls, but, of course, not too natural. Because that would mean actual curves. And God forbid we have curvy models in an editorial shoot. Sigh. You'd think that a bikini shoot, at least, would be someplace where girls with curves could do well!
Anyway, Ashley says she has "exquisite taste" (and no, Ashley, adding "if I do say so myself" does NOT make you seem like less of a snob), and quickly weeds out the fatties. Because "men like skinny, and fat is SO out." HATE!!! Daria and Dominique get booked, and Alexis gets picked out from her photos. Which conveniently hide her scars. Ashley calls her look "diverse and different and trailer trash." Um, what?
Afterwards, Dominique decides to confront her nudity issues by turning to Model4Jesus. She brings Michael to the community church with her, since he has had a similar problem with Janice. The founder explains to us that Model4Jesus is a ministry that shows people that they don't have to conform to the world's idea of beauty. And...it does that by bringing together people who DO conform to that idea of beauty? Okaaay. Coincidentally, the first question in the meeting is whether anyone has had a client ask them to do something they didn't feel comfortable doing. Dominique draws a line in the sand, and that line is her bathing suit--no nudity (I feel that this leaves a bit of wiggle room on the underwear front).
She decides to bring Models4Jesus with her to break the news to Janice. This has the potential for awesomeness. Ten to one it ends with Janice pinning down all the Models4Jesus and stripping them herself. It starts off ugly, with Janice rightfully telling Dominique she feels ganged-up-on. Janice yells at them all that you have to be able to be naked to be a model, and then tells Dominique that she can't sell her if she has so many issues with nudity, basically kicking her out of the agency. Dominique's line in the sand, predictably, begins to slip a bit, and she says she's okay with tasteful nudity. Michael pisses Janice off by talking too much, and Janice is still mad at Dominique for not coming alone and for acting like a know-it-all after being discovered at a chain restaurant, but they both keep their places in the agency. For now. So...no throw-downs? Aww.
Next casting: an audition for the Temptation game show, on which they will be showing off prizes as part of the show's stable of models. Janice brings in a model from The Price is Right to show them how it's done, which is actually a good idea, because this is either harder than it looks, or Janice's models are totally incompetent. I'm guessing it's about 50-50. Unfortunately, the producer is looking for a less traditional approach, so the training wasn't really helpful. Tattoos also disqualify some models. In the end, after a lot of shirtless guys and bikini-clad girls attempting to sell prizes, Christian and Michael book the gig. The girls weren't hired, apparently, because they look too young.
And wow, another casting! Seriously, this show needs to NOT be an hour long. This time, it's for Andrew Christian, who is, according to Janice, "one of the most hottest designer of men's underwear and swimwear." Wow. They couldn't have had her re-read that line, since it was in an interview setting and everything? Also, I'm guessing that if Andrew Christian were really so hot, he wouldn't need to plaster his appearance on JDMA all over the front page of his website. Anyway, he's looking for three edgy guys and girls for his newest underwear line. Paul has cleverly worn the client's underwear to the casting. NICE. The clients love the models to the point where they want to book more than just six, and ultimately choose Joe, Danny, Shaun, Paul, Crystal, Ligia, Alexis, and Dominique.
At the shoot, we learn that Shaun and Paul are boyfriends. Wow, how has more drama not been made of this? Anyway, alarm bells ring when we learn that the shoot is going to be really edgy, with semi-nude shots, kissing, and skinny-dipping. And yeah, Dominique isn't on board with taking her top off. Janice decides that this is a Valuable Lesson for Dominique. And dude, Danny had to have his ass shaved. On television. Suck it up, Dominique. And yeah, of course, she does it. Janice is shocked (I'm not), and decides that she and Dominique are BFF again, since Dominique is doing such a great job booking gigs. After some package-stuffing and guy-kissing (almost), the shoot wraps successfully.
Next up: the Ashley Paige shoot (HOW LONG IS THIS SHOW?). Ashley is, like, totally super-psyched for the shoot, but gets worried when she sees Alexis's burns and scars. She up-front asks Alexis whether she's a cutter, which Alexis denies, saying she was in a car accident. Ashley, in a low-key way, tells Alexis that she's gorgeous, and needs to stop it with the burns and cuts. She arranges the rest of her shots so that the marks won't be showing.
Once Janice shows up, Ashley asks her to be in one of the shots with the models, because it would really fit with the theme. Oddly, since she's usually shoving other people out of the way in front of a camera, Janice isn't on board. At all. I mean, yeah, she definitely should've gotten a heads-up, but this is way out of character! She says she's not ready for a bikini shoot, and demands a one-piece. Then, she doesn't like the one-piece available. Oh, Janice. So predictably a diva.
It seems like she's agreed to do it, but Ashley keeps trying to convince her that the suit is cute, and Janice says she's like a "[bleeping] parrot." Which really doesn't go over well. Aww. Ashley's feelings are hurt! Janice blows her off (ha!), and they move on with the shoot. However, it doesn't exactly go smoothly, as Janice and Ashley struggle for creative control. Janice pisses Ashley off, Ashley pisses Janice off, they both piss me off, etc., etc., to be continued. Finally. God, can we, like, petition Oxygen to turn this show back into half-hour episodes? Kind of like the opposite of the whole NBC/The Office situation? Because that just felt like waaay more than an hour of my life. Just sayin'.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Happy Ho-lidays from Janice Dickinson!
I know I posted this last year, but it's too good not to resurrect. Janice's "12 Days of Christmas," you guys. The awesomeness has to be seen to be believed.
I'll be back with more Christmas special recaps tomorrow, but in the meantime, Merry Christmas, from Janice to us!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Model abuse!
Tonight on Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, we've got some fatties, some prudes, some drunks, and some crybabies. So...pretty much your average episode. (Incidentally, why is this show an hour long this season? It really, really did better with the half-hour episodes. Filler sucks.)
We rejoin Janice as she's basically calling Traci fat, complete with the hilarious claim that "the camera adds 10-15 pounds, and that's why models are emaciated." Okay, so is she actually naming emaciation as the goal here? SIGH. After barely fitting into Janice's size 4 skirt, Traci receives an ultimatum: lose the weight, or get dropped from the agency. Kehoe comforts her, and we get the slo-mo face close-ups of burgeoning model love. Speaking of model love, Crystal, back in LA, meets up with Chris Jones, who kindly offers to let her stay with him rather than sleep in her car. And since she elected to sleep in her car the previous night rather than call him, I'm gonna say he's a bit more into her than she's into him.
At the Fashion L.A. magazine shoot, Crystal and Nyabel are totally psyched to be working together, Peter is psyched that the agency got the gig, and the client is psyched with their performance. In the meantime, Janice is recruiting new models at California Pizza Kitchen, where Janice "happened to be eating lunch." Janice eats at CPK? I'm skeptical, but I guess the agency is in a mall... Anyway, Dominique is a cute redhead with an iffy walk, but commercial potential.
At a new/old model gathering at the Agency, Grasie, a new model, wonders if Kehoe and his roommate Grant are gay. They deny it, but Gracie and CC are still skeptical. Kehoe wisely changes the subject to nudity and its perennial presence at JDMA, and Dominique is Not On Board. Moving on, we've got a couple of castings! The first is for Go Software, an intriguingly-named men's underwear line looking for 2-3 guys. The six finalists, I think, are Kehoe, Ryan, Payton, Chris Jones, Ricardo, Ron (?), and Maurice. Sorry, but Janice's collagen-filled lips sometimes have difficulty forming distinct words.
Next up for casting: Open Your Eyes, one of the biggest Latino men's magazines. CC and her giant rack rock the casting, while Nadia and Toi (who had to lie about being part-Latina) also get chosen. Maria, on the other hand, feels that all the jobs within the Latin Division go to curvier models, and meets with Janice to see if it's really the right place for her. Janice's sensitive response: "Are you Latin?" Though to be fair, the "I don't know?" sniffly response isn't what I expected. Janice susses out that Maria is feeling insecure about how skinny she is, and gives her a pep talk on rejection before agreeing to audition her for other gigs. (Where, Janice points out privately, she'll be in competition with models like Crystal, Desiree, and Nyabel, which, true that.)
At the Open Your Eyes shoot, the girls are joined by a fourth model, not from Janice's agency. When Janice shows up, she's excited that her models will be posing with comedian Joey Medina, but pissed when CC tells her that another model will be in the shot with them. She's somewhat placated when they say that the model will just be the bartender in the shoot, but says that "there's always some kind of surprise on these shoots." If by "surprise," you mean, "manufactured drama," then yes! True! CC and her giant boobs rock the shoot, while Nadia is tense and trying too hard, and Toi is nervous at first, but works it out in the end. With Janice's direction, the shoot goes pretty well, and her models get all the attention.
Over at the Go Software shoot, things are going pretty well until Kehoe's photos look a bit tired. The client totally busts Kehoe on "smelling like a Bloody Mary," which Kehoe attributes to his drinking two bottles of wine alone last night. Dude, if that's your probably fake excuse, that's pretty poor. When Janice arrives, she's kind of pissed at some of the guys lounging around the pool and acting unprofessional with water guns, but that's nothing compared to the tornado of fury that's unleashed when the client tells her that Kehoe's breath "smelled like a vodka bottle." Janice apologizes for him, but flips out on Kehoe in private, slapping him in the face multiple times "to sober him up" after smelling his breath and hearing he was drinking the night before. Draaamaaaa!
Later, Chris and Kehoe have a water gun fight, and Chris squirts Kehoe's underwear, leading the client and Janice to assume that he peed himself. Wow, from bad to worse. Janice sends him and Chris away, but the client lets them back in the shoot, totally undermining her disciplinary actions, but probably a good thing in the end. The final shot is with Janice, because wherever she goes, she's always the star. The client ends up happy, despite the models' "wild antics." (Oooh, squirt guns and a hangover! So wild! So crazy!)Up next? A nude posing gig for a senior citizens' art class, to help the models with their inhibitions. Dude, I had to work off of live models a few times for my sculpture class in high school, and it was always Un. Comfortable. They're just there, posing, naked. For, like, two hours. And usually not as hot as Janice's models, to boot. Sometimes to an extreme degree. But enough memories--bring on the uncomfortable models!
Brian impresses the artists, and Janice, after some awkward discussion of his testicular area. Kehoe is totally comfortable with the situation, and rocks it out. Grasie and Grant pose together, and while Grasie is a bit nervous that the old people remind her of her grandparents, Grant is far more worried that he might enjoy the situation a little too much. Money quote after the fact: "I felt really good about myself for not getting turned on." I think I may love Grant the most. Danny and CC are nervous at first, but end up doing well. Dominique, on the other hand, is totally not cool with posing nude, playing the Catholic card. Unfortunately, we won't know until the next episode whether she gives in to sin (though the previews kind of give a lot of it away--and it involves "Models for Jesus"). Can't wait!Monday, December 17, 2007
Glowy Box Mailbag: Janice, Treasure, and One Potential Stalker
It's time for another edition of Glowy Box Mailbag, where you ask Google questions, Google sends you our way, and we finally get around to answering them. Or mocking you. Either way.
Q: is janice's modeling agency real
A: Great question! Unfortunately, it brings us into a bit of an existential dilemma. What is "real," really? The "agency" has a myspace page. Does that make it real? Said myspace page includes an address where wannabe models can send headshots, which is promising. Of course, the address is for the production office, and not the agency. Hmm. However, the page also has this to say about Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: "Unlike many 'reality' shows, there are no fake contests or contrived situations. It..s [sic] a real business with real financial, personal and professional stakes." I'm guessing the "Suck it, Tyra!" is implied there.
I suppose her agency is "real" in that she had to set up a real agency for the show to exist. Would there be an agency without the show? Almost certainly not. I leave you with this quote from Albert Einstein: "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." ...Does that help?
Q: what haven't the "cash and treasures" crew gone looking for
A: Um...ancient Freemason treasure, the spare change lodged in my couch cushions, and the gold at the end of the rainbow? It definitely seems like they've gone looking for just about everything on Cash and Treasures (including old bottles and fluorescent minerals). However, the second season just started on the Travel Channel (with Kirsten Gum as the new host, since Becky Worley is out pregnant), and they've already come up with Herkimer Diamonds, Emeralds, Agates, and Turquoise, so maybe there is some new treasure under the sun for Cash and Treasures. And hopefully some of it not gem-related. (For the uninitiated, this surprisingly addictive show is on Tuesdays at 9 PM on the Travel Channel.)
Q: where does paul adelstein live?
A: Creepy, much? I'm going to assume he lives in LA, where Private Practice films. And I'm going to remind you that stalking is illegal in California.
That's it for this edition of the Mailbag! Keep on googling, and I'll keep on occasionally answering! (And I know it wasn't technically a question, but for the two of you who got to Glowy Box by googling extreme underground catfights...well...I'm sorry to have disappointed you, though I recommend checking out my Top Model recaps.)
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: In with the new?
This week on Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: manufactured drama, another open casting call, manufactured drama, a magazine casting, manufactured drama, and Janice being awful. Oh, and some manufactured drama.
We begin with the photo shoot for VIP Latino magazine, where the totally inexperienced models are irritated by the client's helpful direction. More irritated? Janice, who doesn't want anyone (besides herself, I'm assuming) manhandling her models. But this small disagreement is nothing compared to Janice's displeasure that the models are doing a mere editorial spread rather than a cover with "The Great Carlos Mencia." Damn Carlos Mencia and his scheduling conflicts!
Happily, Janice is more than eager to volunteer herself as a celebrity for the girls to pose with on the cover. Bafflingly, the client agrees! Man, this show takes "reality" to a whole new plane. What Janice says: "I'll do anything for my girls to get a cover! Even if it means whoring myself out to a magazine." What she means: "I'll do anything to get myself on a cover again! Even if it means kidnapping Carlos Mencia and stuffing him in the trunk of my car."
After the shoot, Janice has another open call to replace the models with actual talent who are deserting her "agency" like thin, angular rats deserting a certifiably crazy sinking ship. One of these models, it seems, is Stina, who's signed with a bigger agency. Of course, Janice is pissed. But probably not surprised, since Stina has threatened to leave before. And is a legitimately good model. Ah, Stina. You've been with us since the beginning, and we'll miss you. But not right now, since there's that handy open call going on!
We begin with a 5' 11" 14-year-old, whom even Janice thinks is a bit young. Other standouts are Alexis, who is super-cute in a "cool girl at the record store" way and Daria, a hottie from Russia. Hilariously, Brian Kehoe's roommate Grant shows up, and totally tries to slip by without Janice finding out that he lives with one of her less responsible models.
At the callbacks, Gabe, from Janice's posse, comes in to yell at all the women for wearing unflattering outfits. Whatever. Janice takes the usual photos (with the usual naked dudes). Braneka, a model Janice turned away the previous season because she had braces and was too young, is back for more. Alexis, it seems, has a whole lot of unfortunate scars, which she's forced to reveal to the world when Janice makes her take her clothes off. Her excuse? She's "from the country." Janice isn't buying it, either.
Janice flips out at Grant for already having an agency--he claims it's an agency in the New York market, which would apparently be legit. Aaaand, yeah...he's definitely with the agency in LA, too. Oh, the drama! Ooooh, the betrayal!!! OOOH, the dramatic music!!!!! OOOOOOH, the Janice calling his agency and busting him on it!!!!!1! Forget TNT--Janice Dickinson Knows Drama. And yeah, Grant's agency drops him. So Brian Kehoe convinces him to try and get Janice to give him another shot, now that he's not represented. Janice, saying he's "like Boy George meets Victoria Beckham," is happy to have him in her agency. What?
Back at callbacks, Janice, to her credit, refuses to work with the 14-year-old until she graduates. Right on, Janice! Also, the girl looked way too pageant to me. Peter is a definite standout--cute, funny, and with awesome Daniel Vosovic hair (of Project Runway fame, for those living in deprivation). Daria from Russia rocks the photos, and Janice is in love with her. Going through the pictures, Janice picks out Peter, Braneka, Daria, and Alexis, among others, and kicks Peter the business partner out for calling one girl a little too heavy (keep this fact in mind for later).
Now that she's got her slate set, Janice brings back some of her old models for a reunion without telling them that new models will be there to compete for a gig. And yeah, it's awkward. The returning models are feeling a bit defensive, and some are friendlier than others. The gig? A high-fashion shoot for Fashion L.A. magazine. (And as a side note, the Latina models aren't psyched to be left out of the mainstream castings. Foreshadowing?) Janice gets pissed at Alexis for wearing a bathing suit that shows all her scars.
During the lineup, Janice singles out Crystal (original version) and Desiree to the clients, but then berates Desiree for looking orange (which, true) and having beard burn on her chin. Awk-ward! Traci gets called out later for her weight gain. Traci: "I love my body!" Janice: "I love your body too, but it's a bit big." Oh, Janice. Coming up with lines like that so effortlessly is what makes you who you are. Traci refuses to starve herself "again," which is awesome, and yet probably career suicide if you work for Janice.
The client narrows it down to Nyabel, Ligia, Kate, Alexis, Crystal, and Desiree. After a pose-off, Janice pulls Desiree aside because she seems unhappy (I wonder why?), and somewhat bruised. She pushes and pushes until Desiree admits her shocking secret: she's anemic! Gosh, could that be related to the starvation diet Janice keeps her naturally curvy models on? Nah. Janice cares about these girls! After deliberating, the client picks Crystal and Nyabel. Crystal gloats about the veterans booking jobs over the new girls. But wait! The client picks a bonus third girl! Oh. It's Ligia, also a veteran.
Later, Janice meets with Traci after calling her names like "salami," "hot dog," and "stuffed sausage" in an interview. (Janice is clearly hungry.) She's not calling Traci fat, mind you, just..."a tad bit heavy." By model weight standards. After a close examination of Traci's ass and stomach, Janice diagnoses too much junk food and recommends some "exercise and a balanced diet" so she can be more toned. This is just like Knocked Up, where they're all, "We're not asking you to lose weight, of course, just to...tighten." Traci says she doesn't have to be crazy skinny to work as a model, and that high-fashion isn't the only work out there. After Traci can't fit into Janice's size 4 skirt, though, things aren't looking good for her. WHAT will happen? WHO will Janice go crazy at next? HOW does this show cook up so much drama? Find out next week on JDMA.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Crazy Bitch With a Vengeance
Oh, Janice. You represented all that is wrong with the world when you were a judge on America's Next Top Model (and yet I loved you), you're so full of artificial parts that you could be the beta version of the Bionic Woman (and yet I love you), you were twelve kinds of crazy on The Surreal Life (I actually kind of hated you then), and now your insane little reality show, featuring a semi-real modeling agency, is actually in its third season.
For those of you who are new to the show, here's a list of things Janice is: The world's first supermodel, a photographer, a parent, a giant liar to all her clients, emotionally unstable, 75% silicon and 15% Botox, and a crazy (w)itch. You can probably guess which half of that description was from her. She's got a constantly changing group of mediocre models, a business partner named Peter whom she hates, a teenage son who gets to run around with models all day, and a daughter who may or may not truly exist. Oh, and all her interviews are shot in such soft focus that it seems like the camera lens is smeared with Vaseline. And with that, I welcome you to the third season of Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. Settle in, because it's about to get crazy up in this joint.
After the opening credits instruct us to do our thing, Janice poses for a photo shoot. "Because YES, I am the world's first WORKING SUPERMODEL." Now that we've been reminded of that fact, we can move on to regular business. For some reason, Janice has booked an appointment with VIP Latino, a new magazine focused on the Latino population. She's convinced that her models would be great for the premiere issue, and would look fabulous next to "the GREAT Carlos Mencia." (Cue record scratching noise in my head.) There's only one problem: Janice doesn't have any Latina models. And was caught totally off-guard that she'd be needing some for this job. Riiiight. After a little speech for the clients about how much she loves diversity, Janice puts together an open call, the bread and butter of any good premiere episode.
Before we can get to the naked photos, though, we have to sit through a side plot featuring hot dudes in tight underwear. Man, life can be tough sometimes. At the 2(x)ist offices, J.P. and Dominic revel in their success and shoot the newest collections. Dominic is lucky enough to land a one-year contract, which would be impressive if I had ever heard of 2(x)ist underwear. Unfortunately, he has gangrene of the toenail and sasquatch arms which must be shaved. And yet, somehow, he pulls it off. Abs and pecs go a long way, yo. We meet up with Crystal and Nyabel, also in New York, where they all go on a city-wide tour of Dominic's underwear ads. Okay, okay, I'm kind of impressed.
Back in LA, Janice has decided that she needs a bodyguard. And so, she chooses one of her agency's former models: Sorin, the well-built Romanian crybaby. Who has no security training or ninja skills that we know of. And she immediately takes a pair of scissors to his "SECURITY" shirt, turning it into the gayest belly shirt that ever gayed. Which Sorin notices, but is cool with. Man, I loved Sorin. She trains him to be menacing on the red carpet, and he hilariously interviews that he has no clue how to use his earpiece, or understand what the heck people are saying into it. This show would totally be in the running for "Least Realistic Reality Show," if Janice weren't crazy enough to pull this kind of stuff without the cameras rolling. Ah, Janice.
Before the open call, T.J., one of Janice's most successful models, stops by for an "unannounced" visit to dump the agency and pursue other opportunities. Harsh! And Janice is Not Happy. Turns out, T.J. finds Peter just as creepy and untrustworthy as the rest of us. Also, the whole "other opportunities" thing. According to Janice, things are not looking good for Peter. OMG, can we have an open call for a new business manager? Because that would be great television. They could audition at getting chewed out by Janice without crying, placating clients who've been promised meetings with Janice, who then doesn't show up, and arguing with Janice over whether the agency should hire commercial models or high-fashion models. Good times!
Finally, it's open call time. Unleash the Latinos! Janice insists upon trying to speak to the model wannabes in terrible Spanish, sometimes through a translator, when it's apparent that most of them speak English. Awk-ward! Also, by constantly asking whether he thinks guys are hot, or which guy he'd sleep with, Janice seems to be testing Sorin to see whether his belly shirt is making him gay. Hilarious! Among the participants are a Janice lookalike, a bunch of shirtless dudes, a short chick who refuses to accept that our kind can't model, and MARCUS! (Whom she fired last season for being "completely unmanageable.") He's there with his girlfriend, who is there for the open call.
The open call is such a success that Janice decides she wants to open up a Latino division in her agency (actually kind of a genius plan, since she's operating out of LA), but not before taking a bunch of sexy naked couple pictures at callbacks! Walton, one of the models, views Janice's Latino division as "a milestone in Latin American history." Oh, Walton. You could not underestimate this division more. It is a milestone in WORLD history, like the toppling of the Berlin Wall, or when Britney went crazy and shaved her head.
CC, Janice's Mini-Me, produces "the hottest photograph that's ever come out of the JDMA," and easily makes the cut, along with a bunch of other models. Janice gives them a stirring speech about what a proud day this is for Latin Americans everywhere, and her "dream that all ethnicities remain true, free, and equal, especially in my agency." So...she'll be giving each ethnicity its own special division, then? Even so, I don't think "Brown," of "Brown vs. the Board of Education," would be on board with that plan. I kid, of course. Right on, Latin division! (Not so right on? Janice's constant repetition of Latino stereotypes. But hey, it could be a lot worse, knowing Janice.)
Finally, the day has come for Janice to show her new finds off to VIP Latino magazine, where they will appear with "The Great Carlos Mencia" (aaaand, I just vomited in my mouth a little). A small fly in the ointment: Janice didn't really vet her "Latino" models (which I suspected when several were from Eastern Europe), and makes at least one non-Latina lie about her heritage. To be fair, many are half-Latina, and just don't do a good job selling that half. CC (whose interview hair is distractingly huge), Gracie, and Nadia end up booking the gig.
The day of the shoot, the girls find out that it's not so much going to be a cover with Carlos Mencia (again, LAME), as a feature spread inside the magazine. They're disappointed, and rightly point out that Janice is gonna be pissed when she finds out. However, we don't get to see that fury-fest tonight, and rather are subjected to what appears to be the entire season in 30-second form, down to the big finale. Um...okay. Thanks for the heads-up?
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: A Crazy Bitch "Christmas"
Um, did anyone else watch Christmas with the Dickinsons last night? Because...wow. Janice is back, people, and she is crazier than ever. Also, it's possible that the human to silicone ratio has shifted so far towards silicone that she's dishwasher-safe.
Words cannot do justice to the magical Christmas spirit I felt as I watched Janice talk about how she'd model even if she were bleeding out of her ass. Courier and Ives have nothing on the quintessential holiday image of her models going Christmas caroling in their underwear. The fact that they probably filmed the whole thing before the holiday season even started merely serves to showcase how much Janice loves Christmas. As the reformed Ebenezer Scrooge did before her, Janice is honoring Christmas in her heart and keeping it all the year.
And don't feel left out, Jews! There was a very touching scene in which Janice, careful not to leave out their father's religion when celebrating with her children, sang "Hava Nagila" while lighting a menorah.
Oh, Janice. You are one of the things for which I am most grateful this holiday season. I'd say "never change," but you never will, thanks to Botox, silicone, and collagen. God bless them, every one.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Janice's Christmas Gift to Us
Tonight, as I'm sure you've already marked on your calendar in giant red sparkly letters, is the premiere of Christmas with the Dickinsons, Janice Dickinson's Christmas special on Oxygen. For those of you who can't wait until 10 o'clock, here's Janice's "12 Days of Christmas" (Spoiler Alert! On the fifth day she gets fiiive naaaked men.):
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Another Season of Crazy Bitch!
YES!!! Oxygen, bowing to the demands of crazy bitch-lovers everywhere, has renewed The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency for a second season. And (best part!) they have also greenlighted a HOLIDAY SPECIAL entitled "Christmas with the Dickinsons." That's, like, 100% guaranteed hilarity. I hope there'll be singing!
According to Zap2it.com, there will be eight one-hour episodes instead of ten 30-minute episodes, which is fine by me--all the more time for ridiculously soft-focus interviews and crying burly men. Oh, and she'll be "confronting some disgruntled models from last season," too. SWEET. And with a whole two months to film and edit the show (which will air in January, after the Christmas special), how could the quality not be top-notch?
Oh, Janice. How I've missed you. Tyra isn't half the crazy bitch you are.
