Santa Claus is Kickin' the Grinch's Ass

Just a quick triumphant post to note that Santa Claus is Comin' to Town, Rankin and Bass's anti-Soviet masterpiece, came in fifth among TiVo'd holiday shows. Hells to the yeah.

Here's the full list:
1. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer CBS 12/4
2. Frosty the Snowman, CBS 12/7
3. It's A Wonderful Life, NBC, 12/14
4. Shrek the Halls, ABC, 12/11
5. Santa Claus is Comin' to Town, ABC, 12/5
6. The Polar Express, ABC, 11/30
7. I Want a Dog For Christmas, Charlie Brown, ABC, 12/10
8. The Santa Clause 2, ABC, 12/23
9. Frosty Returns, CBS, 12/7
10. Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas, ABC, 12/8

Well-played, America.

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"Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey," you'll go down in hiiistoooryyy!

Today's featured Christmas special is a religious reworking of "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Because, you know, why change the formula if you already know it's successful? Apparently based on a song by Gene Autry, "Rudolph" becomes "Nestor," "Red-Nosed" becomes "Long-Eared," and "Reindeer" becomes "Christmas Donkey." Riiight...

Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey (Rankin-Bass, 1977)

The Main Players:

• Speiltoe, Santa's donkey (what, you didn't know Santa had a donkey?) and our singing narrator.
• Nestor, a clumsy young donkey with freakishly long ears. Like, down to the ground.
• Olaf, a mean donkey breeder who doesn't feed Nestor because he's always tripping over his ears and breaking things. (Which, seriously? How many breakable objects could there possibly be in a barn?)
• Nestor's mother, whom you probably shouldn't get too attached to.
• Tilly, a cherub sent to inspire Nestor. (You see, angels inspire humans, while cherubs inspire animals!)
• Mary and Joseph. Yeah, that Mary and Joseph.

The Basic Plot:
Speiltoe informs us that way back in the day, a clumsy, long-eared donkey was born. We join Nestor and his family at Olaf's stable, where (after some sad backstory about everyone making fun of Nestor because of his ears) a soldier from the Roman Empire has come to take away the normal young donkeys in the barn, leaving Nestor behind. Olaf kicks Nestor out into a blizzard, and we get a bit of a Bambi moment where his mother rescues him, but dies in the storm. Harsh, yo!

Nestor survives the winter alone, but is understandably feeling pretty depressed. That is, until he finds Tilly, a cherub who tells him that his ears will someday help him to save someone. It takes a couple of eerie green beams of light from above to convince him, so clearly either God or aliens are in the mix here, but Nestor lets Tilly lead him all the way to the outskirts of Bethlehem. There, an animal dealer takes him in, but no one will buy him because of his ears. It's hard out there for a long-eared donkey.

Finally, Mary and Joseph show up and pick him instead of all the normal donkeys because of his "gentle eyes." You know, I'm not one to poke holes in a story, but wouldn't you want a donkey that could walk without falling down to transport a heavily pregnant woman? Anyway, that magical green beam of light convinces the dealer to give Nestor away, and Nestor somehow manages to carry Mary most of the way to Bethlehem.

But then, DISASTER! A sandstorm obscures the star that's been guiding them! (Again, not one to poke holes, but wasn't that star for the wise men? I'm a little rusty on my bible stories, but I seem to remember that from the song...) Happily, Nestor's ears are able to hear the way to Bethlehem, with Tilly's and his dead mother's help. And also some singing angels, of course. The giant ears also serve to wrap around Mary and protect her, which is a bit of a weird image. Once they make it to Bethlehem, it's a bit tough to find an inn (do you see where this is headed?), so Nestor takes them to a stable. I'm pretty sure you know the rest.

Nestor returns home a hero, and everyone is nice to him. So, wait, Olaf took him back? Nestor wanted to go back?! Olaf basically killed his mother! WTF?! Sigh...anyway, um, yay, Nestor! Whose achievement was not at all a religious version of Rudolph's!

Songs:

• A country-tinged introduction about how everyone knows Rudolph, but there's a donkey out there that no one has heard of. (Way to acknowledge the rip-off, at least...)
• A country-tinged ballad about how everyone made fun of Nestor because of his long ears and clumsiness, and wouldn't let him play their reindeer donkey games. And, ironically, how his giant ears let him overhear their cruel jokes, making him feel even worse.
• A country-tinged reprise about how all the Bethlehem animals also made fun of Nestor's ears and uselessness. But with a happy ending about getting chosen by Mary and Joseph.
• A country-tinged number about how Nestor found the manger, etc., etc.
• A country-tinged finale about how much awesomer Nestor is than Rudolph, and how everyone should remember him.

Memorable Quotes:

• "Now all the world knows Nestor for his laughter and his ears!" -Speiltoe. Um, yeah, not so much. Also, what laughter?

Valuable Lessons Learned:

• Whatever happens, you must be brave.
• Even if someone kicks you out into a blizzard, essentially killing your mom, you should go back to live with them. If only to show off your newfound fame.

Bottom Line: A religious, country-tinged "Rudolph."

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Suck it, USSR, 'cause "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town"

Another day, another unbelievably awesome Christmas special! Today's installment is a classic allegorical tale about the evils of Communism and the toy-loving goodness of Democracy.

Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (Rankin-Bass, 1970)

The Main Players:

• The Narrator, a mailman who is almost certainly breaking multiple Federal laws by opening children's mail and reading it aloud to us. (Voiced by Fred Astaire.)
• Kris, a redheaded toymaker and freedom-lover with possible pedophilic tendencies and the ability to dance on air. (Voiced by Mickey Rooney.)
• Winter Warlock, an evil wizard living in the Mountain of the Whispering Winds, who may or may not represent the non-USSR Eastern Bloc countries.
• Burgermeister Meisterburger, the toy- and Democracy-hating mayor/dictator of Sombertown/the USSR.
• Jessica, a Sombertown schoolteacher with a surprising penchant for letting her hair down and singing psychedelic songs.
• Topper, Kris's adorable, scarf-wearing penguin sidekick, who is looking for the South Pole and is in for a big letdown.

The Basic Plot:
Fred Astaire, the letter-opening mailman, has taken it upon himself to explain the origins of Santa Claus, with impressive thoroughness. It all began in "one of the northern countries," where Burgermeister Meisterburger finds a baby on his stoop bearing the nametag "Claus." He sends Claus to the orphanage, but the baby-bearing sleigh is blown into the Mountain of the Whispering Winds, where the animals hide him from the Winter Warlock and take him to the Rainbow River Valley. (FYI, I'm pretty sure that the same person responsible for naming everything in the Candyland game named all these characters and locations.)

The Rainbow River Valley is home to the jolly Kringle family of elves. The Kringles teach the boy, now named Kris, their profession of making toys. Unfortunately, the Rainbow River Valley lacks children, so the toys just get thrown outside onto a big pile. Once Kris is all grown up (and taught by the seals how to laugh, "Ho ho ho," riiight...), he decides to deliver the toys across the Mountain/Iron Curtain to Sombertown, coming across Topper on the way.

Meanwhile, in gray, bleak Sombertown, Burgermeister Meisterburger has outlawed toys after tripping on one. At first, the townsfolk run away from Kris, his outlandish Western clothes, and his illegal goods. But the oppressed children aren't ones to turn away free toys, and after basically speaking the lyrics to "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town," Kris gives toys to all the good little girls and boys. Jessica objects, being as he's trafficking in illegal goods, but Kris gives her a doll to distract her from the weirdly pedophilic song he's about to sing. His joy at sitting children on his lap and kissing them only lasts so long, though, because he's soon on the run from Burgermeister Meisterburger.

In the mountains, Kris is captured by the Winter Warlock, who is tempted by Kris's fun Western ways when Kris gives him a toy, but thinks it'll be too difficult to change from bad to good. Don't worry, Communists! It's all a matter of baby steps! At least, according to the extremely catchy song Kris sings. Newly converted to Democracy, the Winter Warlock agrees to assist Kris, using his magic. Jessica, after finding Kris in the mountains, brings him a bunch of letters from greedy children asking for more toys. Commence toy-making, list-making, and sneaking into houses at night to deliver said toys.

Burgermeister Meisterburger is outraged at the reappearance of radicalism in the form of children playing, and decrees that doors and windows must be locked, forcing Kris to break into houses using the chimney. After a new decree that houses will be searched for toys, Kris hides them in stockings drying by the fire. Finally, Burgermeister Meisterburger manages to arrest Kris, Topper, the other Kringles, and the Winter Warlock, who has no powers to help now that he's "disenchanted." (Disenchanted with his evil, freedom-hating lifestyle, maybe.)

After Burgermeister Meisterburger supervises a toy-burning in Sombertown, Jessica realizes what life is really about, and how terrible and oppressive Sombertown is under the reign of Burgermeister Meisterburger (man, I just love typing that name). Happily, the Winter Warlock, going by just "Winter" now that he's good, has some magical corn feed that makes reindeer fly, allowing everyone to escape the Gulag.

Kris grows a beard to disguise himself, and changes his name to Claus. He and Jessica are married in the woods, surrounded by decorated pine trees with gifts placed under them. Hmm. They are forced further and further north, until they finally set up shop at the North Pole. But wait! What about the poor, oppressed citizens of Sombertown? Well, of course, freedom and Democracy triumphed eventually, as they always do. The Meisterburgers fell out of power once the people realized how ridiculous their laws were, and their portraits were replaced by the portrait of their new, Western ruler: Consumerism. I mean, um, Santa Claus. "...And that's how it all started."

Songs:

• "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town," of course, sung by Fred Astaire.
• "First toymaker to the King," pointless filler sung by Tanta Kringle about the heavy responsibility that comes with making toys for the king. And don't forget the reprise, "No more toymakers to the King," sung by Burgermeister Meisterburger, because Communists are anti-King as well as anti-toy. Duh.
• "If you sit on my lap today, a kiss, a toy is the price you pay," a creepily pedophilia-tinged number sung by Kris, who appears to be trading toys for kisses and lap-sits.
• "Put one foot in front of the other," a catchy song about how to slowly accept freedom and Democracy into your life, sung by Kris to the Winter Warlock. See the whole thing here.
• "My world is beginning today," a crazy psychedelic song by Jessica as she transforms from prudish schoolteacher to rebel freedom-lover, complete with groovy animations and a literal letting-down of her hair.
• "Gifts of love," a boring spoken/sung number about Christmas and various cheesy crap.

Memorable Quotes:

• "You are obviously a nonconformist and a rebel!" -Burgermeister Meisterburger to Kris. Damn skippy he is, you freedom-hating commie!
• You mean that it's just my election / to vote for a chance to be reborn?" -Winter Warlock, in "Put one foot in front of the other," a song that is Not At All about the freedom of Democracy vs. the tyranny of Communism.

Valuable Lessons Learned:

• Communists hate Christmas, toys, and freedom.
• Behave yourselves, because Santa can look into his magic snowball at any time to see what you're doing.
• Democracy will always triumph.
• Everything you've heard about Santa can be explained in a neat, 48-minute story.

Bottom Line: USA!!! USA!!! USA!!! Catch the whole thing Christmas Eve at 5 PM on ABC Family.

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Get Lucky with "Pinocchio's Christmas"

Thanks to ABC Family's 25 Days of Christmas, there is a multitude of Christmas-themed viewing to be had this time of year--some good, some awesome. And, in the spirit of Christmas and giving and all that, I (and a few possibly masochistic friends) sacrificed some of my Sunday to watch and recap some fabulous claymation Christmas specials for you, my deserving readers. Below is the first installment, Pinocchio's Christmas.

Pinocchio's Christmas (Rankin-Bass, 1980)

The Main Players:

• Pinocchio, who is less than a year old, kind of a tool, and extremely stupid. Which you can't really fault him for, since he's made of wood.
• Geppetto, an asshole woodcarver who inexplicably wears a wig with a bowl cut, and is just as stupid and toolish as his wooden child.
• Fox and Cat, an evil mastermind and his moronic accomplice, respectively, who are somewhat offensively dressed like gypsies.
• Maestro Fire-Eater, a puppeteer with a disappointing name.
• Lady Azura, some kind of magic woodland queen, or something, who planted the enchanted tree that Pinocchio came from.
• The Duke, a heartless rich man who learns a Valuable Lesson.

The Basic Plot:
The timeline here is pretty unclear. It seems like some of the events in the movie have happened, but obviously not all of them, since Pinocchio is still made of wood (as Geppetto continually and dickishly reminds him). Aaaanyway, Pinocchio is pretty psyched for his first Christmas, and Geppettool (trust me, it's an appropriate nickname) sells a pair of boots to buy him his first Christmas present. A math textbook. A week early. LAME. Pinocchio, catching on to the spirit of Christmas pretty quickly, sells the textbook to buy Geppettool a present, but Fox and Cat trick him out of his money.

Penniless and presentless, Pinocchio is forced to whore himself out to Maestro Fire-Eater, who rebrands him "Sir Larry Olive Tree" and makes him the star of his own show. But then, tragedy! Pinocchio falls in love with Julietta, a non-living marionette, and steals her away from Maestro Fire-Eater before he can carve her into an old man (yes, really). After he's chased by police dogs into the haunted Forest of Enchantment (talking to his inanimate girlfriend all the way), we get some background on the Origins of Pinocchio.

Apparently, he was once a branch on an enchanted tree, but when a carpenter tried to turn the branch into a table leg, it started laughing. Yeah. Rightfully freaked out by the muffled talking coming from the piece of wood, the carpenter gave it to Geppettool, who carved into it as it "mm-hmm"ed right back at him. CREEPY. Once he was finished, Pinocchio's first act as a living puppet was to kick Geppettool in the ass. Because even as a newborn creepy wooden boy, he's a total dick.

And because in this version of the world, bad boys are unpopular, only Fox and Cat would be friends with him, and they taught Pinocchio how to steal. A moralistic cricket tried to be friends with him, but he left after Pinocchio threw a book at him. Okay, that was kind of the best ever. Anyway, Geppettool hopes that the beauty of Christmas will change Pinocchio's ways.

Back in the forest, Lady Azura finds Pinocchio and takes him to her Chalet (seriously), finally decides along with "Dr. Cricket" that he's not a bad boy, and teaches him a valuable lesson about how you don't need real money for gifts. Meanwhile, Geppettool finds the fake puppet that Maestro Fire-Eater created to replace Pinocchio lying in the gutter, and is totally distraught because he can't even recognize his own wooden kid. Worst "dad" ever.

Fox and Cat, up to their usual tricks, have made a deal to sell Pinocchio to the Duke as a present for his kids. They trick Pinocchio, the world's dumbest fake boy, into getting into a sleigh that takes him to the Duke's house. The Duke's kids are rightfully creeped out by the present, so Pinocchio teaches the Duke the same valuable lesson that Lady Azura taught him. Aww. Santa gives them a ride back to the village (what?!), and Geppettool and Pinocchio are reunited. Pinocchio's "present" is to go to school and obey Geppettool. So...more of a New Year's resolution, really.

Lady Azura, along with her poodle and monkey attendings, arrive with Julietta, who is now a living doll like Pinocchio. There is much foreshadowing to the movie, and a cheerful Christmas toast...with oatmeal. Which begs the question: What terrible tragedy befell Julietta between now and whenever the movie is supposed to take place? (My guess: Geppettool got jealous of all the attention Pinocchio was giving her, and made her into a doorstop.)

Songs:

• "I never know what gifts to buy," sung by Geppettool, who apparently secretly hates Christmas. Every year he doesn't buy a gift, just because they're hard to pick out? Uncool! It's an oddly schizophrenic duet between him and his reflection in the mirror.
• "Gonna get lucky, knock on wood," a maddeningly catchy, and unintentionally innuendo-laced, song sung by Pinocchio about how he's going to get lots of money to buy presents.
• "Let 'em laugh," sung by Maestro Fire-Eater when Pinocchio is onstage. It's a complete rip-off of "Make 'em Laugh," from Singin' in the Rain.
• "It's the truth," sung by Fox and Cat, in which Cat is repeatedly struck by lightning every time Fox sings "or may lighting strike me down." Oh, Cat. What crazy hijinks will you get up to next?
• "Put your love in a poem," sung by Lazy Azura, about expressing oneself without money for presents. It involves cards, roses, and hugs, which are all weak-ass presents.
• An informative song about the difference between laughing "Ho Ho Ho" (like Santa), and "Ha Ha Ha" (which is wicked).

Memorable Quotes:

• "Look! The rain is fuzzy!" -Pinocchio, upon seeing snow for the first time.
• "Gonna get lucky, knock on wood! [Knocks on self.]" -Pinocchio, taking advantage of his wooden head.
• "But...if I'm funny, they may laugh at me!" -Pinocchio, catching on to the concept of "comedy."
• "Egad! That bump on a log has purloined the ingénue!" -Maestro Fire-Eater, upon discovering that Pinocchio has stolen Julietta.
• "Once, someone tried to be my friend. A cricket! But all he did was preach and give advice all day." -Pinocchio, before he learned to wish upon a star.
• "Christmas presents do not talk back to nobility!" -The Duke, after realizing that the living doll he bought his kids is a total tool.

Valuable Lessons Learned:

• Christmas is for everyone, even marionettes.
• Don't play hooky from school.
• You can give a crappy Christmas present for free!

Bottom Line: Every character in this movie is an asshole, and most are incredibly stupid, to a hilarious degree. And I've had that goddamn "Gonna get lucky, knock on wood!" song stuck in my head for almost five days. You can check out the first nine minutes here. The first half of the dreaded song is at the end of the clip.

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Put one foot in front of the other...

Sorry for the lack of posting today, guys. I'm a bit slammed in real life this time of year. But here's a sneak preview of what's coming up on Glowy Box in the near future!



As someone with a sprained ankle, I find the main directive of this song more challenging than the Winter Warlock does. However, I support its general theme. And the fact that Santa Claus is Comin' to Town is hilarious.

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