America's Next Top Model: Yup.

After a not-so-long cycle of lectures by Tyra, increasingly absurd photo shoots, and varying levels of fierceness, it's finally come down to the final three girls. The last one standing will win some impressive-sounding prizes, and then go on to annoy us next cycle with terrible My Life as a Covergirl commercials before fading into inevitable obscurity and non-Supermodeldom.

Will it be Chantal, who has coasted into the final three with a deadly combination of average photos and masterful presentation at the judging panel? Or Saleisha, whose connections with Tyra have allowed her to rise above her Tootie haircut, giving her a likely lock on this competition (barring some sort of disastrous final commercial or runway show)? Or will it be Jenah, who is also weighed down by terrible hair, plus a bad attitude, but has taken by far the best pictures of the three? Oh, the suspense!

The night before their Covergirl shoot, the girls revel in their final three-ness, but worry about the first elimination. Chantal wisely points out that two of them will be in the bottom two, but one of them won't. Wow, Chantal. You just blew my mind. In the morning, the girls meet up with Jay, Covergirl Commercial Guy, and Jaslene, who's there to pump them up for the Covergirl print ad and commercial shoot. The featured product is some sort of "fruit spritzers" lip gloss, which sounds more like a perfume to me, but whatever. Also, this commercial is weird. What do fortune cookies have to do with lip gloss?

Chantal, to her credit, does a great job with the commercial shoot after a little coaching from Jay. She's well aware that her natural bubblyness fits in perfectly with the Covergirl image. Jenah...freezes up completely and almost needs cue cards, pulling it out at the last second. And is wearing so much bright pink blush that I can't even focus on her line reading. Jay warns her to keep her insecurity from coming across as snottiness. Wise and probably prophetic (knowing our editors) words, Jay. Saleisha, as orange as Jay, also has trouble with her lines when nerves get to her. She walks off set to calm down for a minute, and comes back with a more than passable line reading. In fact, one might almost call it perky. At the photo shoot, Saleisha does a much better job, Chantal really does look exactly like a Covergirl, and Jenah's teeth get bigger and hair gets rattier with every frame shot (yet, as always, I'm sure she'll end up with a great photo).

Qi Gang, a couture designer whose show the finalists will be walking in, is the guest judge at panel. Tyra starts things off with a little interrogation about who has the most and least potential out of the bunch. Saleisha says she has the most potential (duh), and Jenah has the least, because of her personality. Well-played, Saleisha. Chantal says she has the most potential, emphasizing her love for the industry, and says that Jenah has the least potential, calling her out again on her attitude. Jenah says that she has the most potential, choosing to defend her "laid-back" attitude rather than emphasize her great pictures. Bad call, in my opinion. She says that Chantal is the most amateur of the bunch.

Saleisha is first up for judging, and her commercial is average, in my opinion, but Nigel praises her for the mythical "smiling in your eyes" trick. Tyra dings her inflection, and brings up Jay Manuel's comments that Saleisha's readings were robotic, and it took 20 takes to get it right. Her photo is great, but Tyra points out that she lacks multiple kinds of smiles, or something. Is Tyra just trying to prove that she hasn't been propping Saleisha up through this whole competition?

Chantal's up next, and her line reading is poor, but the judges praise her natural charm. Her photo is fine, but not outstanding, like every other photo she's ever taken. She gets great notes from Jay Manuel on her relatability and believability, though.

Jenah's commercial seems fine to me, though her styling is terrible and she lacks in perkiness a bit, but the judges use it as a jumping-off point to go after her attitude, saying that her line reading made it seem like she was making fun of the commercial. Hmm. Maybe. She points out that she shouldn't have to be obscenely perky for people to like her (Chantal), and then all these family issues come out and she starts to cry. Tyra appreciates that she's being real. The judges really like her Covergirl photo, and that she's able to tone down the fierceness when necessary.

In deliberation, the judges praise Saleisha for her photo and her improved performance, but Tyra points out that she's not really a high fashion girl. They appreciate Jenah's honesty at panel, and acknowledge that her photos are by far the best. They love Chantal's photo, but agree that she's more amateur than the other two. Chantal gets the first photo. WHAT?!?!?!?!?! Okay, seriously, what's going on here?

Tyra points out that Saleisha's experience didn't serve her well in the beginning of the competition, but she improved throughout. Jenah had hardly any experience, but takes amazing photos, and has "connected to who Jenah is." The second finalist is...Saleisha. Okay, I'm calling BS here. Fine, yeah, Saleisha has the connections with Tyra and a better personality and personal appearance, so I kind of knew she'd get picked over Jenah, but Jenah takes incredible photos! Why on EARTH would Chantal get picked over her? Chantal has officially worked the judging panel better than anyone in the history of this show. It's the only possible explanation. But wow, with the two most talented girls eliminated now (Heather being the second), I could reeeeally care less who wins at this point. Although I think we all know it'll be Saleisha.

The undeserving duo head over to do the requisite "in case you win" Seventeen Magazine photo shoot while I stew in my bitterness. Later, they meet the Jays at the runway location, next to the Forbidden City. The concept is taking the Qing Dynasty (most models) into the future (Saleisha and Chantal, as if). Jaslene will be opening the show, which is just as dramatic and bizarre as we've come to expect (though nowhere near as insane as the Ghost Bride show from cycle 7, to give you a benchmark). After the judges are formally seated and some folks on stilts come out to line the runway (?!), Jaslene starts it off. Saleisha is actually really fierce, while Chantal seems a bit stiff, though she gets positive comments from the watching judges. Then, DISASTER. Chantal's third outfit has a long train, and gets caught on one of the guys's stilts, totally knocking him down. And even worse than throwing a man to the ground? She breaks character to look back, concerned, about it. Not Good. Though she doesn't stop to see if he's okay or anything, so it could've been worse.

At the final panel, we get the usual portfolio review. It's depressing, given how great it could have been with Jenah and Heather in the final two. The judges try to be positive, and review far less photos than usual, showing just three from the whole cycle. Hmm...I wonder why? In the runway review, Saleisha gets mad praise, and deservedly so. The judges think that Chantal's nerves got in the way a little, and do her the favor of moving past the "taking out a dude on stilts" incident quickly. After the quick fake-out criticism of Saleisha (something about her shoulders), Tyra slams Chantal's stiffness.

In solo deliberation, Tyra says, "Listen, guys. I really need us to give this to Saleisha so that I have a great inspirational story for my TZONE Foundation. Let's pretend to argue for a bit, and then we'll get this over with and head out for pizza." Okay, I can't prove it, but I'm pretty sure that's what happened before they turned the cameras on. Miss J points out that Chantal is more high fashion, and Twiggy likes her body. Nigel says that Saleisha is more in control of her body, and is already polished. Tyra says that she thought both girls would be going home early (yeah, right--though that is what I thought), and that she's not looking forward to crushing one of them. I say that this is the worst final two ever.

After a brief speech that neither girl is really listening to, the Magic Screen reveals that Saleisha is America's Next Top Model. Um, surprise? To no one? Chantal is bummed, because she didn't realize that the show was obviously fixed from the beginning. I mean, I'm happy for Saleisha and all, since she seems like a perfectly nice girl and really is good at some aspects of modeling (though I'd peg her as the weakest winner since Naima, and maybe even ever), but this is absurd. Absurd to the point where I'm going to start an irresponsible rumor: Twiggy totally quit in protest of this result, you guys, not because they wanted someone younger and possibly meaner. Totally. And now I'm going to start an irresponsible conspiracy theory: Jenah was totally eliminated first tonight to avoid a head-to-head portfolio comparison between herself and Saleisha, which would have put Saleisha's portfolio to shame. Totally.

Well, best of luck to you, Saleisha. Again, nothing personal--you're naught but a pawn in Tyra's master plan for world domination. (As are we all, friends. As are we all.)

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America's Next Top Model: Toppling the Great Wall of Stank

Last week on Top Model: The greatest injustice ever perpetrated by Tyra Banks, according to most of my readers. This week: Beijing, baby! We begin with a very sweet note from Heather to the other girls, interrupted by interviews in which the other girls (namely Bianca and Jenah) trash her and glorify in her absence. But there's no time for fondly reminiscing--the girls have to tour Beijing, another "fashion capital of the world." And Jenah is busy being a weird combination of cocky and stressed out. They are met in a lovely garden by Miss J and Twiggy, who are there to teach them about the "Four Beauties," a Chinese tradition which may or may not Totally Come Up Later.

Shockingly enough, it does come up later. Or rather, immediately, as the women find Four Beauty dresses in their new Beijing pad, and meet Twiggy and Miss J at the mall for their challenge: to modernize their outfits, while taking into account the legend their dresses are based on. At the mall, Bianca shows her true colors. And by "shows her true colors," I mean, "proves how stank she is, which we've known all along," by directing an already-stressed Jenah to an isolated area of the mall that Bianca knows will be useless. Jenah is pissed at what she rightfully calls sabotage.

The editor in chief of Seventeen is there to judge them on the runway, so the girls are feeling the pressure. Saleisha does a great job, according to Miss J. Twiggy thinks Chantal does a good job, but I feel like Twiggy is so soft on people that her opinion doesn't even count. Seventeen lady likes Bianca's outfit modifications, while Twiggy praises Jenah's. Jenah wins, and picks Chantal to share in her prize: custom Chinese couture dresses. They're gorgeous, but Chantal points out the obvious: There aren't many occasions that call for a Chinese couture dress. Jenah also gets runway lessons with Miss J, though, which seem semi-helpful. Though a better prize would be some sort of de-front-tooth-ification. Are those things growing, or is it just me? Something that's definitely growing is Jenah's homesickness, incidentally. Man, if I had to share a room with her and listen to her describe symbolic dreams about missing her boyfriend, I'd probably try and sabotage her too. Just sayin'.

The next morning, the lucky wannabe models head off to the Great Wall for a photo shoot. Man, that's pretty cool. The shoot will have a warrior theme, with the girls trying to invade the Great Wall, opposed by other, more heavily armored, warrior women. And guess who's the photographer? Tyra! The hair and makeup are intense. Families of raccoons could nest in those wigs, seriously, and the makeup makes them almost as orange as Jay Manuel. Chantal does a great job, and her final shot is really a pretty amazing pose. The judges looove her. Jenah has a bit of an identity crisis, but rocks her poses at the shoot. The judges love her photo, though Tyra didn't find Jenah memorable after the shoot. Jenah makes the giant mistake of talking about how homesick she is, and pulls it out alright, but clearly plants that "can she handle it?" seed of doubt in the judges' minds.

Bianca has more trouble with her posing, but does better as the shoot goes on. Her shot is fine, but Tyra points out that she's not a natural at modeling. Saleisha has really athletic poses, and doesn't even look like herself. Jay thinks it's her best shoot yet. Her final shot is crazy awesome, with her jumping way up in the air, and the judges are super into it. Finally, the four of them pose together, each trying to out-fierce the next. The judges are mixed on whether Jenah or Saleisha stands out the most.

It should be noted that Heather has continued her reign as Covergirl of the Week, even in absentia. During deliberation, the judges question Jenah's commitment (toldja) and Bianca's natural talent, and praise Chantal's and Saleisha's photos (especially the latter). They decide that the strongest girl in the group photo was Chantal (really?), and call her name first. Saleisha is called next, of course, leaving the giant-toothed whiner and the less talented witch to fight it out. Thankfully, Jenah is still in, and Bianca and her stank attitude are out. Suh-weet.

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America's Next Top Model: Covergirl of the Week only gets you so far

This week, America's Next Top Model continues a time-honored rite of passage: the Go-See, where aspiring Top Models must try and make their way in the (usually unfamiliar and non-English-speaking) world, pimping themselves out to fashion designers located all over whatever confusing metropolis the models happen to be located in. It's pretty much exactly what you'd expect, based on past seasons cycles, but the final elimination is a whole 'nother thing.

Our top five are very excited for the challenge, and meet up at PT Models, a Shanghai-based agency. Saleisha, she of the bubbly personality, is incredibly excited about the Go-Sees. Heather...is not. As usual, they have to run all over the city, meet with a bunch of designers, and make it back on time. NOT as usual, they get a translator to go with them, and a cab. Is Shanghai that much more difficult for a non-Chinese speaker to navigate than Tokyo, or Bangkok? Saleisha still claims that "you're on your own trying to find the designer's location." Heather, sadly, manages to get lost. Like, completely lost. Uh-oh.

Chantal, hilariously enough, has to wear a sheer dress while wearing hot pink underwear. She doesn't get great reviews for her walk, since the underwear is rather distracting. The first designer finds Saleisha dull, while Bianca impresses with her personality and her walk. So clearly, China is Bizzaro Land. Oh, and Heather? Still lost. When she finally makes it to her first (and only) designer, she gets praise for her look, but not her walk. Jenah's walk also gets criticized, along with her personality. China is harsh, yo. Saleisha, for her part, refuses to point Bianca in the right direction to her next location. Oooh, the claws come out! And then Chantal slams Saleisha for sucking up to the designers. (Before doing the exact same thing herself...thanks, editors!)

Heading back to home base is difficult, to say the least. Traffic is terrible, and Saleisha and Bianca are the only two to make it back in time. Wow, that may be the fewest ever. Heather, of course, beats herself up about being late. The other girls try to keep her from being so hard on herself, and even allow for a little primal screaming. That night, they all head out on the town, and are met by the lady from PT Models, who names Bianca the winner of the challenge. She lands a very unimpressive billboard for the Beijing Olympics ad campaign.

At the photo shoot location, the girls discover that Nigel will be their photographer (no pressure!), and Chinese lions and dragons will be their co-models, competing for attention in the photo. The styling is an odd mix of East-meets-80's. Jenah busts out the cocky sarcasm with Nigel, which is a bit risky, considering CariDee's experience in the past. She also privately criticizes his style of directing her, which she says threw her off. And it apparently did, since her shoot was way worse than usual. Her final shot is good, because she's apparently incapable of taking a bad picture, but she gets a talking-to from Nigel about her sarcastic sense of humor, and from Tyra about her arrogant attitude. Saleisha, on the other hand, completely rocks it. China IS Bizzaro Land! Nigel says she was his favorite to shoot, and she came up with a really interesting final shot.

Bianca only does an okay job at the shoot, but gets praise for her Go-Sees. Her final photo is strong in the body, but weak in the face. Chantal has a trouble with her posing, and gets criticized for being 20 minutes late back from Go-Sees, and for the aforementioned pink underwear. The judges love her final photo, though. Heather does well in spots, but second-guesses herself. She gets gasps of horror for being so late and making it to so few Go-Sees, and gets a mini-runway tutorial. Her photo gets great reviews, but Nigel says she was too stiff during the shoot. I'm a bit worried for Heather, to be honest, even though she's continued her neverending Covergirl of the Week streak.

In solo deliberations, the judges are all over the place on Bianca's picture. Heather gets praise for her amazing look, but not much else. They love Saleisha's improvement, but criticize Chantal's lack of confidence. Jenah's personality, of course, gets slammed. And now it's time to find out which models will be continuing on to Beijing ("The Fashion Capital of China"), and who will be going home. Saleisha gets the first photo, followed by Bianca and Chantal (what?!), leaving the two most photogenic girls in the bottom two. Wow. If you had asked me last week, I would NOT have seen this coming. In fact, if this were The Bachelor, I'd call this the Most Shocking Elimination Ceremony Ever.

Tyra acknowledges that Heather and Jenah take the best photos, but brings up their communication and attitude issues. Jenah finally gets the photo, leaving Heather out in the cold. I know you guys might yell at me for this, but between the two of them, I think it was the right call. They both took fantastic photos, but Heather really had difficulty functioning in the Go-See and Covergirl commercial environments, and had a weaker walk. Still, tough, tough call. And were it not between the two of them, I absolutely would have sent Chantal home.

And Heather's elimination isn't all we have to cry about tonight--Twiggy, the judge lending the most credibility to this crazy show--will be replaced next season by "international supermodel" Paulina Porizkova, whom I've never heard of, due to "scheduling conflicts." Well, nuts. While I miss Janice for the utter insanity and unpredictability, I thought that Twiggy often had well-thought-out comments, and was far more level-headed (and nicer) than the other judges. We'll miss ya, Twiggster!

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America's Next Top Model: Rough week, yo

Tonight on America's Next Top Model, the remaining six gals head to China! Because, you know, we really want to be promoting China, what with their great record on product inspection, sweatshops, and massive human rights violations. This would SO not be cool with your hero Oprah, Tyra. How about the girls all dress like jailed political or religious dissidents in their first photo shoot?

The girls, of course, are completely psyched for their trip (as they should be, since going to China is totally awesome...I'm just saying we probably shouldn't be going out of our way to promote the place). They arrive in Shanghai, and Chantal (wow, is she still here?) compares it to The Jetsons. Heather compares it to Las Vegas. Fair enough--there IS a lot of neon. The Jays welcome them to China, and send them to their fancy pants penthouse to unpack. Which is when they notice that the room only has five beds. Heather notices last, sadly, and Saleisha refuses to share the one giant bed. Uncool, Saleisha. Heather is obviously a sensitive gal (and probably jetlagged, like the rest of them), so she starts crying with frustration. Bianca, of course, finds it hilarious. Bitch. However, she does agree to share a bed with Jenah, after some prompting for volunteers by Chantal.

The next morning, they head over to the biggest film studio in Shanghai, where their "tour guide" gets into a fight with a martial artist. Or martial arts artist. Or whatever. Seems they'll be learning some martial arts this morning, so that the next time they get into a bitch fight, they can knock their underfed, coked-up model opponent out cold. Their challenge is to do the martial arts poses they learned earlier while up in the air on wires, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon-style. It's pretty hysterical, I'm not going to lie.

Bianca, afraid of heights, starts to freak out, and Heather of all people tries to give her a completely undeserved pep talk. Bianca ends up going up, but then begs them to let her down, and is disqualified from the challenge. They all looked pretty crazy up there to me, but Heather is the winner of a $500+ shopping spree, which she shares with Chantal. As Heather points out while they're shopping, they're about a foot taller than the people working in the shops, which is comical, to say the least.

The next morning, the models are instructed to bring outfits describing their personality to the set, where they will be shooting their Covergirl print ads and commercials. The theme is about showcasing their personal inner and outer beauty (hence wearing their own clothes), and they'll have to improvise a bit about themselves in the ad. This should be good. (But not for Heather...yikes.)

Saleisha's up first, and she does a great, super-adorable job in the commercial. The judges agree, but don't love her photo. Bianca? Not so great. She has trouble with her lines and her delivery, though she seems to pull it off the end. The judges call her out for bailing on the challenge, and don't love her commercial. The photo is really nice, though. Heather has even worse problems with her lines, predictably enough. And can't even get the job done right with Orange Jay feeding her the lines. Sigh. Tyra is disappointed, and makes a point of not being easy on Heather because of her Asperger's. Her photo, however, is great. As they point out, it doesn't even look like her, what with the bubbly smiling and all.

Jenah performs well, but the judges found her uncharismatic. Here photo is unusual, in that it's not a typical beauty shot, but really great, as always. Chantal looks great, and brings a nice perkiness to the part. The judges find it cute and charming, though her photo is a bit pedestrian farmgirl. Lisa tenses up enough that we can see the tendons in her neck, and completely forgets the lines as soon as they turn the camera on. She tears up a bit, which makes things even worse. The judges call her on her panicked, verging-on-tears performance, but absolutely love her photo, and rightfully so. It's fantastic.

The guest judge this week is Jeffrey Chu, the director of photography from their commercial. In deliberation, the judges slam everyone's performance in the commercials. Tyra again criticizes their poor performance this week when handing out photos, but gives Chantal the first one, followed by Saleisha. Bianca and Jenah also receive photos. Uh-oh. It's down to Lisa, one of my early favorites, and Heather (who is yet AGAIN Covergirl of the Week). Lisa's out, sadly, which I think was the right call. And was also very predictable (as always) given all the interviews with her early in the episode. Next week: Go-See's!

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America's Next Top Model: Project Top Model

Tonight on Project Runw- Oh, wait, I'm sorry. This is ANTM? Project Runway doesn't premiere until later tonight? I got a little confused what with the clothes designing and all...

The girls meet Benny Ninja (who not only keeps popping up in episodes, but is wearing a completely bizarre shirt with points sticking up out of his shoulders) at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising, where an Elite Model honcho gives them their challenge: to be a muse. (I, on the other hand, am amused. Rimshot!) They'll be paired with student designers who have to transform an awful discount store dress into something the model will wear on the runway, and which reflects the model's personality. Basically, the designers all come up with these crazy concepts ("Cleopatra," "ballerina"), and the models are all like, "Umm...yeeeeah...that cooould work." Heather, in particular, has a tough time relating to her partner.

The next day, after a full night of Bianca trashing Heather's abilities, the models head back to FIDM, where the Editor in Chief of Seventeen shows up to make things a little more competitive: the winner of this challenge will shoot a jewelry spread for Seventeen. Newly motivated, the models head over to check out their ugly, ugly dresses. Most of which, according to the models, do NOT reflect their personalities. Though to be fair, I'm not sure my personality would lay claim to any of those dresses, either. Maybe one or two. At any rate, less Project Runway and more...fifth grader with a sewing machine makes human-sized Barbie clothes.

The girls will be judged not only on their runway walk, but also on how much they inspired the design, based on a short speech they need to give about the dress. On the runway, Bianca totally rocks the speech, despite hating her dress. Heather? Not so much. And she's really upset about it. Jenah rocks the whole thing, and clearly loves her dress. Saleisha, however, wins the challenge, and picks Bianca and Lisa to share in her photo shoot bounty.

When they all get home, Heather gets upset at what she feels is the other girls picking on her after she's had a bad day. By taking the shower when she's called it. Or whatever. I'm not super-sympathetic, much as I love Heather. Incidentally: Saddest "My Life as a Covergirl" ever! Jaslene signs autographs at Wal-Mart. Wow, life as a model is sooo glamorous! Riiiight...

The next morning, the eco-bus drops the models off in the middle of the desert, where they are joined by Orange Jay after a brief panic. Tyra's totally trying to make Heather pass out again, you guys. Apparently, they will be posing as desperate models lost in the desert. So...not so much a stretch, in this case. Aside from the addition of a flaming car. Bianca wears Jay out with her fabulousness. Heather, still distracted by her failure the day before, manages to look lost, but not lost and desperate, I guess. Jay isn't pleased. Chantal works it out. Saleisha starts off slow but ends up doing well. Ambreal is too posed. Jenah is her naturally photogenic self. Lisa has trouble "working" her dress.

When they get back to the house, Heather expresses to the other girls her frustration with the situation in the house and her performance in the competition, and it's actually a reasonable, mature conversation, despite their differing viewpoints. This may be a first for Top Model. At panel, Tyra is interrupted during her judges and prizes speech by a Chinese dragon. (Or, as she puts it, "lion." Eh, I'm not one to argue with Tyra.) Like, Chinese New Year's style, with people inside. It "tells" her that they're going to China, and a bunch more dragons, plus guys with swords, run out! Wow. And it seems a bit cruel to tell them right before someone gets kicked off. But cruel is how Tyra rolls, yo.

The judges love Jenah's photo, especially her body language. Heather, aware of her impending doom, gives the them a cheery, "Hello!" Apparently, though, Heather's worst according to Tyra is still good enough for Twiggy's approval. But when she talks about her tough week, it prompts the patented Tyra Banks lecture on compartmentalizing. Saleisha's shot gets some praise, but everyone's a bit lukewarm, and Tyra encourages her to take more chances. Or expand her chance-taking window. Or whatever. Chantal rocked it hardcore, and the judges love her shot. Ambreal, less so. It's a nice shot, but her pose isn't flattering for her legs or the dress. Bianca's aggressive shot is a resounding success at panel, while Lisa gets praise for her face, but not her pose.

In deliberation, everyone gets at least some praise aside from Ambreal, who gets criticized for her poor posing and lack of "specialness," and Lisa, who gets slammed for her downward trajectory and her lack of "freshness." Uh-huh. Bianca, Jenah, Saleisha, Chantal, and Heather are all going to China. And joining them will be...Lisa, of course! Ambreal goes out on a positive note, though her portfolio tells a different tale. Chick just didn't take good pictures. Ah, well. This way she won't have to fly all the way to China only to be sent packing just when she was getting over jet lag.

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America's Next Top Model: Strike a pose (vogue, vogue, vogue)

Tonight on America's Next Top Model, Bianca gets her stank back, and the Top Models get their video ho on. But said video ho is model, not hoochie. With one exception. (Sorry, Ambreal.)

As we rejoin them, the girls discuss Ebony's decision to quit, seemingly dismissing it as a case of homesickness. Um, that wasn't really the point, ladies. But whatever. Everyone's glad Ambreal is getting a second chance, including Ambreal. Sarah, in the meantime, is finding it confusing to be stuck in no man's land (or no model's land), weight-wise. If I were in the same situation, Sarah, I'd be going to town on a huge plate of french fries right about now. You know, for what it's worth. Poor thing is stuck being around a bunch of girls who talk about how they usually wear a size zero, but can occasionally wear a three depending on the pair of pants. That sucks.

Later, Jenah, Ambreal, Lisa, and Bianca are hanging out in the swimming pool, discussing who might be in the top five (them, according to Jenah). Heather walks up to the side of the pool, and Lisa, I think acknowledging her, says that she thinks Heather will be right up there in the top five, too. And then, ugliness. Bianca, totally relapsing to her former stankness, goes on a mini-diatribe about how Heather is totally overrated, and basically has a good face and just sits there for photos. While Heather is standing right in front of Bianca's mostly-closed eyes. And then she keeps arguing about how much harder everyone else has to work when Heather tries to defend herself! Lisa and Jenah seem to stand up for Heather, which angers Bianca, who then interviews that she feels like everyone babies Heather because she has a disability. Wow, Bianca, you're right! You totally deserve a medal for your equal-opportunity bitchery.

Tyra Mail! The gals all dress in ridiculous nude, body-covering leotards and meet Tyra at what appears to be an audition in the movie Fame, if Tyra's bizarre opening speech is to be believed. She then explains to everyone, using charades for the especially stupid, that she'll be teaching them how to move sexily for a music video or commercial. The sight of Tyra marching sexily across the room, followed by an army of wannabe Tyras in ill-fitting nude body suits, was somehow terrifying and hysterical to me at the same time. And when she teaches them to coyly hug themselves and pretend to be adorable and in love, it looks like everyone's just really cold. Especially Ambreal. It's all pretty hilarious, basically.

And it's reeeally difficult once she passes out a bunch of kneepads not to make a joke about how now she's going to teach them the real way to get a job in modeling. (Sorry, couldn't help it. The kneepads were for crawling across the floor sexily, everyone. Modeling is obviously nothing like prostitution.) Bianca stankily points out in an interview that Heather can do no wrong in Tyra's eyes, and gets praised where others would be criticized. And I have to say, I kind of agree with her in this case. Heather's "sexy" crawling across the floor wasn't sexily awkward in a dark way, as Tyra would have us believe--it was borderline-creepily awkward in a dark way. Kind of like the girl coming out of the TV in The Ring, but less so. I love Heather, but when you're right, you're right: Tyra definitely has a girl-crush on her.

The next day, everyone's off to a meeting with Jesse Terrero, a "famous" music video director. He's there to shoot a video with a "major star" and all the models, featuring one of them in particular. And wow, it actually IS a major star! Enrique Iglesias! Whom I've been on board with since he guest starred on How I Met Your Mother, for what it's worth. The video, for the song "Tired of Being Sorry," has a vampire-esque theme, which explains why all the models' bikinis are black. Because, you know, what's more goth than a black bikini? I was SURE that Heather would be chosen once they announced the video's theme, but Enrique, Jesse, and the label pick Lisa, who is beyond thrilled. Aaaand, then Jesse announces that they want to feature one other model who had the right look: Heather. Of course. Yay! Bianca, predictably, is pissed.

Chantal, it must be noted, has shown an extraordinary ego in this episode, clearly marking her for the final two. During the video shoot, for example, she talks about the "natural talent" she found she has in front of the camera, as the director talks about how she was surprisingly stiff. Standouts in a good way are Ambreal and Lisa (in her featured role). Sarah hates her revealing outfit, further cementing HER inevitable appearance in the final two, but Heather really has the worst of it.

Everyone notes how hot it was in there and how it was a physically demanding shoot, and Heather says that it was 8 PM and she hadn't eaten since breakfast. Uh-oh. They have to call the on-site medic to escort her outside for fresh air, and she falls down on the way. Um, maybe take the dizzy girl's five-inch heels OFF before making her walk? Once they get her in a chair, she starts almost gasping for air, or having a seizure, or something. Totally scary. They put her on oxygen once she's with it again, and give her some water and food. Everyone's pretty sweet to her face, but Bianca, of course, points out that it just means she can't handle modeling.

Chantal, again, isn't nervous at ALL for judging, because this is what she was born to do. Oh, Chantal. The expression "tempting fate" exists for a reason. At panel, the guest judge is Jessy Terrero, whose name is apparently now spelled with a "y" at the end. Which is accurate, but definitely not what the on-screen title said earlier. Way to go, editors.

The judges really like Lisa's star turn in the music video, to the point where Nigel wishes her photos were equally electric. Ambreal had to slide down a pole in the video, and the judges (apart from Jessy) slam her for being too hoochie, even suggesting that "hoochie" might be her comfort zone. Ouch! Saleisha gets praised for coming across as darker than she normally does, as does Sarah. Nigel, however, brings up Sarah's lack of confidence in her body, and the fact that she's rapidly moving further away from plus size. The judges love Heather's performance and coachability, but think Jenah wasn't fierce or focused enough for the mood of the video. Tyra thinks that Chantal was almost there, but holding back a little, and trying too hard to model and be hot. So...holding back AND trying too hard? Impressive! Bianca gets praise for her confidence from Jessy, but mocked by everyone else for her crazy kissy poses and lack of fluidity.

Lisa gets called first, followed by Heather, who is Covergirl of the Week again! This has to be a record, right? Saleisha, Bianca, a surprised Ambreal, and Jenah are next. I know it's not hard to predict the bottom two, but I'm kinda pleased with myself here, I'm not gonna lie. Sarah gets called out for coasting, and for not really having a place in the industry at her current weight. Chantal also gets called out for coasting, and for her disappointing video performance. Chantal is still in it, and a sobbing Sarah bites the dust like so many plus size contestants before her. Aww.

It should be noted, by the way, that the music video they shot (viewable on the main page of Enrique's website) is totally not the official video for "Tired of Being Lonely," which I discovered when I tried to find it on YouTube. It's basically the same as the official video, but with the main professional models replaced with Top Model contestants. I blame Bianca and her kissy face.

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America's Next Top Model: A clip show already?

Well, folks, it's that time again! Instead of bring us a new episode filled to the brim with crazy photo shoots and bitchy goodness, we've got a stale clip show with a smattering of new tidbits. LAME. And early this year, too! What did we learn? Not much, really.

It seems like a couple major segments of episodes were cut out, including a "Fashion Checkpoint" in the final audition round, where Miss Jay inspected the girls' luggage before they could get on the cruise ship, throwing away the offensive clothes into the "Fashion Trash." Fashion Trash? That's the best they could come up with? During this bit, we also learn that one of the finalists was missing a front tooth. Yeah.

The other biggie was a conversation between Tyra, "Dani," Dr. Laura Polis (a supposed expert, though Google doesn't seem to believe it), and the contestants about the pressure to lose weight in the modeling industry. "Dani," apparently, was told to lose weight immediately after moving to New York. She called Tyra, who was angry that they were asking a skinny girl to lose weight, and helped "Dani" figure out a plan. Which, apparently, was to lose the weight. But "healthily." What?! Sigh. Most of the girls say that they wouldn't lose the weight in a similar situation (which I don't buy for a second), though Bianca says she'd do whatever it took to get the job. Props for the honesty, Bianca. But damn, this industry sucks. And this is a pretty huge segment to cut, ANTM producers. What the hell?

The rest of the new clips generally involved Jenah being immature and harassing her housemates, and Bianca fighting with people (though it sounds like she lost her bad attitude at about the same time she lost her hair). My favorite: Ebony tries to intimidate a fellow semi-finalist by pulling out the "I'm not here to make friends" line in, like, the first five minutes. Bianca, overhearing this, calls Ebony "corny." HA! And wow, they REALLY did Bianca a favor when they shaved her head.

Other clips of note: Bianca ran into a glass door, very much like a bird. You can actually see her faceprint on the glass, eye and all. It's hysterical. Jenah chipped her tooth on the swimming pool, and has to go to the dentist to get it fixed, making me flash back to Joanie and her "I've been at the dentist for TWELVE HOURS" clip. However, Jenah's experience is quick and painless, so really, the opposite of Joanie's.

That's it! Next week: Music video goodness.

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America's Next Top Model: Finally living up to its trashy reputation...

Tonight on America's Next Top Model, the girls dressed like garbage in an elaborate metaphorical interpretation of the way the fashion industry treats women attempt to raise awareness about recycling. Riiight.

We rejoin the gals as Ebony is discussing how she's sick of doing poorly in panel, Ambreal is placing a tearful call home, and Heather is worrying about the lack of non-profile shots in her portfolio. Bianca, taking a break from her normally stank attitude, is actually pretty supportive and helpful towards Heather. Hmm. You know, I don't think I really hate any of the contestants this season. Not a Lisa, Melrose, or Jade to be found! Which is probably a bad thing, come to think of it.

In much more interesting news, Tyson Beckford has come a-calling! Ebony freaks out and runs away from him shrieking, which is pretty hysterical. He's there to teach the girls about how to be a spokemodel, and instructs everyone to grab an item from the kitchen and try and sell it to the room. The girls' pitches are predictably entertaining. Money quote from Tyson, regarding the electric water heater Ebony's trying to sell: "Let me know it's hot, it's moist, and it's really what I want." Hee! Heather does a nice job, but Ambreal gets to feed Tyson a mango. ...Still in the peel. Wow, I don't think I've ever seen anyone just bite into an unpeeled mango like that. Yuck!

TyraMail! They're off to meet Tyson at a studio where they'll be doing a 30-second PSA in teams of three for Keep a Child Alive. Lisa, Chantal, and Bianca do well, though Bianca has some trouble getting her lines out. Heather, Jenah, and Ambreal have a very nice presentation. Sarah, Saleisha, and Ebony actually also do a pretty good job, though they get a bit messed up on the charity's actual purpose. Hey, nobody crashed and burned! Is this a Top Model first? Heather wins a photo shoot for Carol's Daughter, art directed by Mary J. Blige (huh?) in random drawing between the girls in her group, while Jenah and Ambreal win $500 gift baskets. In the photo shoot, it looks like they must've dipped Heather in a vat of bronzer, but it ends up looking pretty good.

As the girls chow down on chicken fingers and pizza in their walk-in closet that night, Ebony drops the H-bomb. No, the other H-bomb. That's right, she wants to go home. Suuure. We'll see if that pans out. The other girls take it about as seriously as I do.

The next morning, Orange Jay informs them that they'll be doing a high fashion photo shoot with a pro-recycling message, in which each of them will be representing a different recyclable material. It will be...dare I say it? Derelicte! Watching the girls try and smile as they realize they're going to be portraying trash is pretty hilarious, I have to say.

Heather, as "aluminum cans" (ha!), rocks the face-on shots, though I have to say, her final shot isn't quite as fabulous as her profiles have been. That may be due more to facial structure than anything else, though. Chantal, representing "shredded paper" (ha!), does fine, though her hair is totally covering her face in the final shot. Sarah, portraying "garbage bags" (ha!), does a good job with creative posing. Her final photo is really good, but Nigel mentions her weight loss, which she claims not to have really noticed. The old screen grab they show in comparison to her current weight is pretty funny, in that anyone tucking their chin in like that would look a bit chubby. Well-played, ANTM editors.

Saleisha, as "car parts" (ha!), is a little stiff. And also knocks over half the set. Her final shot, though, is great, and makes me feel better about her crazy haircut. Ebony, representing "bubble wrap" (ha!), is far from her best, and doesn't seem to take Jay's criticism seriously. It almost looks like she's snarling in her photo, and though she walks up to the panel with a smile, she doesn't leave it with one after being critiqued for her lackluster efforts and attitude on set. Jenah, as "cardboard boxes" (ha!), knocks it out as usual. And actually manages to look presentable at panel!

Bianca, portraying "oil" (ha!), has apparently mastered Tyra's mythical "smile with your eyes" technique. Though her final shot is a bit stiff pose-wise, her face is fantastic. Unfortunately, this means we don't get the traditional "smile with your eyes" tutorial at panel. Lisa is "plastic bottles" (ha!), and she does well at the shoot, though it doesn't really manifest itself in her final photo. Tyra thinks she needs to take riskier risks. Which may only make sense in Tyra's head. Ambreal, representing "newspaper" (ha!), tries to pose her heart out, but just can't make it interesting. She's got the ol' Dead Eyes, and makes the mistake of blaming it on her fake eyelashes. She also gets the "that's not the girl who started here" criticism, so it's a one-two punch. Yikes.

Before elimination, Ebony reiterates in an interview that she's hoping Tyra won't call her name. Tellingly, perhaps, she doesn't go so far as to say she'll quit. Tyson is the guest judge at panel. In solo deliberation, the judges praise Saleisha's improvement, Jenah's consistent fabulousness, and Heather's head-on skills. They don't love Ebony's attitude, Sarah's weight loss (which is taking her out of her plus-size niche), or Ambreal's...non-Top Model-ness.

Saleisha gets the first photo, followed by Jenah, Heather (continuing her reign of terror as Covergirl of the Week), Bianca, Sarah, Chantal, and Lisa. As anyone who saw the first five minutes of the episode could have guessed, that leaves Ebony and Ambreal, who were the weakest on set this week. Ebony gets the photo, and tearfully says, "I no longer want to be here." Wow, I didn't actually think she'd do it!

She says she doesn't think modeling is for her, but Tyra disagrees, saying that she thinks Ebony just can't handle people telling her she's not perfect. Harsh! I mean, Jesus, this is an industry that gives girls eating disorders and drug addictions in their quest to stay thin and "perfect." Is it really so bad to see that pressure up close and choose not to be a part of it? Deciding you don't want to be around people who are telling you you're doing a bad job, yelling directions at you, and criticizing your looks seems like a healthy and mature decision to me. Tyra says that "the most unattractive thing in the world to [her] is a quitter," and sends Ebony home. Ebony thanks her and leaves the room without hugging anyone. As the rest of the girls stand by, shell-shocked, Tyra encourages a sobbing Ambreal to make the most of her second chance. This is totally bananas, you guys!

In her exit interview, Ebony says that she's sorry for wasting everyone's time, that she really misses her family, and that she just wants to go back to being "happy Ebony." Which, true enough, we've never really seen. The editors show us her casting tape, in which she begs Tyra to let her on the show, saying "you won't regret it!" Aww.

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America's Next Top Model: A bunch of posers

Tonight on Top Model, fears were conquered, trash was talked, and they did an entire ice skating segment with no injuries. Also, Tyra had to reach further into her bag of bizarre ideas than ever before for a gargoyle-themed photo shoot. Which was about as weird as it sounds.

We rejoin the girls at the house, learning that Janet has appointed herself House Mom. From the looks of things, she’s sticking with the strategy of “let things get as filthy as possible until everyone realizes the error of their ways and starts cleaning up after themselves.” Or possibly just until everyone dies of botulism, or something.

Heather, bouncing right back from hearing other girls talk smack about her, is now talking smack with the best of them. In fact, it’s not even talking smack so much as brutally going through a short list of girls and naming their flaws. She ends with “Janet- she’s pretty good, she’s got a slammin’ body, but I just don’t know.” I’m going to assume that this is some sort of Aspergers social adaptation strategy where you imitate the people around you, i.e. bitch by osmosis, rather than just bitch proper.

Ambreal starts to show her personality (or rather, the editing starts to show Ambreal’s personality), and is charming, singing, and talking about how lucky she is. And now, I’m worried for Ambreal. Lisa, on the other hand, is worrying about how she tends to overthink shoots and is being generally insecure. And now, I’m worried for Lisa, too, because that’s definitely the “first name called, or in the final two” cut.

The wannabe models meet Benny Ninja at a gym full of gymnastics equipment, including a trampoline. That’s right, they’ll be posing – with emotion – in the air. These bitches suck at trampolining, yo. I’d totally kill at this. Ebony is all over the place in an awesome way, and Chantal also rocks it. Ambreal, however, uses her dance experience to totally destroy the competition.

The girls arrive at an ice skating rink, and learn that they will be posing – with emotion – while being held up by a dude who’s skating. Lloyd Eisler, a champion pairs skater, is there to help them out. But wait- it gets better! Danielle, or “Dani,” is one of the judges, along with Seventeen Magazine’s editor. The emotions the girls try and express through their poses are largely terrible. Just…terrible. Ebony’s “sorrow,” for example, is a puppy dog pouty face. And Heather is a complete disaster—the dude can barely pick her up she’s flopping all over the place so much.

Lisa wins, and will get to shoot an ad for Seventeen with “Dani.” She chooses Janet and Ebony to join her. Sarah, especially, thinks Lisa didn’t deserve to win, and is kind of loud about it in the car ride home. Ambreal is also disappointed. Hilariously, when Lisa gets home from the shoot, Bianca is all, “Is that makeup making you break out?” Like, out of nowhere. It’s awesome. Saleisha lets Lisa know that some of the girls were dissing her behind her back.

TyraMail! “When you’re on top, never look down.” Hmm…let me guess: They’ll be pretending to bang an ugly guy in their photo shoot. Oh, not so much? Fine. Instead they’ll be shooting from a rooftop, which is an unfortunate development for Ambreal and her acrophobia. They’ll be posing as – wait for it – “super duper high fashion gargoyles.” Oooh…who will play Goliath? Oh, not that kind of gargoyle? Fine. You know this show would be even more fun if I came up with the photo shoots. Though I don’t think even my twisted mind could come up with these absurd costumes. It’s like, trashy Jersey girl hair meets casino server outfit meets goth girl makeup and cape.

Heather does a great job, although the judges question whether she can break out of only doing photos in profile. Jenah is also impressive, and her final photo actually manages to be kind of classy. Her weave, it should be noted, looks super-ratty already. Kind of like after you wash a Barbie doll’s hair, you know? Sarah just doesn’t get the concept. At all. Her photo is Not Gargoyle Material. God, Sarah. If you can’t pose as a gargoyle, what kind of model could you ever be? Janet needs a lot of help with her posing, and the judges are mixed on the result. Saleisha veers a bit too Maxim, and her end photo looks fairly commercial. Tyra’s into it, though. Chantal does admirably, though her photo verges on porn-y.

Bianca also steps up, and the judges love her photo so much they want to marry it. Lisa overthinks it, as usual, and then takes it to a weird, animalistic level. The end result is very dramatic, and the judges are into it. She says her goal is to be called first. Well, now it’ll definitely be first or last. Ambreal, she of the fear of heights, can’t quite come up with more than one facial expression, and worries she’ll be going home. Me too, Ambreal. Me too. The judges aren’t feeling her photo at all. Ebony, it seems, has finally learned how to pose. Orange Jay can’t believe it, and the judges absolutely love the photo. However, she gets a lesson in smiling from Tyra at panel after she doesn’t smile at the judges.

Tyra calls Lisa’s name first (toldja!), and she’s as thrilled as Bianca is not. Bianca gets called next, though, followed by Ebony, Chantal, Jenah, Saleisha, Heather (Covergirl of the Week again!), and Sarah. That leaves us with Janet, whom the judges praised faintly, and Ambreal, who got the loser’s edit from the first minutes of tonight’s episode. Believe it or not, though, Ambreal gets another chance, and Janet is sent packing. I…what?! For reals?! Well…okay. There was a bit of foreshadowing for her, too. But jeez, it’s almost as if they’re trying to make the results unpredictable or something!

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America's Next Top Model: Now with 100% more model tears!

It's pretty much an indisputable fact that makeover night on America's Next Top Model is a not-to-be-missed television event, on par with the Superbowl or the shocking last ten minutes of an ER sweeps episode. Tonight was no exception, so get psyched! Makeover makeover makeover...for you and meeeee!

We join the wannabe models at the house, where Victoria emphasizes that she's not a model, and didn't really want to be one until recently. Um, not the best way to endear yourself to everyone, Victoria. But who cares about that stuff when there are MAKEOVERS to be had?! (At the Ken Paves Salon, if that means anything to anyone.)

They have a fancy new screen that morphs from their photos into photoshopped pictures of their new looks. Ambreal's hair will be cropped extremely short, Bianca will get long blonde hair, Sarah will get short hair that's a bit longer on top with blonde highlights, and Victoria will get her hair replaced with a combination of straw and seaweed, if the photo is to be believed. Everyone seems pretty excited so far, except for me. I know someone's going bald from the episode's title, and I really, really wanted it to be Bianca. Ah, missed opportunities. Chantal will be getting bangs and extensions, Lisa will also have short hair that's longer on top (a mistake, if you ask me), Jenah will have long blonde hair, and Janet's semi-mullet will be replaced with short dark hair. Ebony will get long straight extensions, Saleisha will get a mod bob with bangs, and Heather won't be change very much (a bit of a trim, and more chestnut coloring).

...Wait. So no one's going completely bald? Even though the episode is entitled, "The Girl Who Goes Bald"? I don't understand. Why did you lie to us, Tyra? WHY?!?! Now everything after this point will be anticlimactic. Sigh. The results are pretty mixed. I'm initially liking Ambreal's, Ebony's (who had a wig glued to her head), and Chantal's cuts the best. I'm not sold on Jenah's, Lisa's, or Saleisha's yet. Everyone else pretty much falls in between (or didn't change very much). Everyone except for...

BIANCA, who actually DID have to go bald in the end! Her hair was apparently too messed up to bleach or do anything else with except wait for it to grow in fresh, and thus Tyra answered my dreams like only Tyra can. Bianca predictably cries as they shave her hair off, and interviews that she feels "defeated." Oh, Bianca. We can only hope. She actually looks pretty great, but they give her a wig to wear for photo shoots anyway.

Nigel meets them in the fashion district with his wife, Crissy Barker. He's married?! What you heard just now was the sound of a million dreams being crushed into powder. Sad, heartbroken powder. With them is Brent Poer, a Covergirl consultant who pimps the website's "makeup mirror" function. The challenge: to pair a dramatic eye with a glossy, nude lip in preparation for a runway show. With the usual dashing between crowded makeup stations, since they only have five minutes. The prize: the look will be uploaded into the "makeup mirror," and they'll shoot a video on how to use the feature. Sarah wins, while Victoria (who is inexperienced with makeup) and Ambreal get some criticism.

TyraMail! "Are you ready to be deflowered?" So...many...jokes... The girls decide that they'll probably be getting photographed naked, but they're actually just going out into nature to be photographed as flowers and plants. Bianca does a fine job as a sunflower, and has finally sort of stopped whining about her hair. And she absolutely knows how to sound positive about it during panel. She may be a witch, but she's not dumb. The judges think her final photo is too stiff, though. Janet is only so-so as hydrangea according to Tyra (and me), but the rest of the judges count her as one of the most improved this week. Heather is weeds, and she totally works the edgy witch look, despite some intensely crazy makeup.

Lisa has trouble giving different looks as bamboo, but her final shot is very fierce. Saleisha also has trouble with her facial expressions as a tulip, and her final photo is terrible. Dead Eyes like crazy. Sarah, portraying ivy, isn't quite as fierce as she could be, but her final shot turns out really well. Ambreal finally stands out as a rose, but can't quite get her face to equal her posing skills. The judges like her final photo, though I'm still not sold on the facial expression. Victoria, who is officially annoying me with the "I'm an unfashionable nerd" thing at this point, is portraying a cactus. She overthinks it, and it shows in her photo. At panel, she interrupts Twiggy to argue that she doesn't have a prickly disposition. Bad call.

Jenah is fantastic as moss, and the photographer promises to use her when she's signed. Ebony finally does a good job as a bird of paradise flower, but Nigel calls her out during panel for not being charming or likeable. Chantal is baby's breath, and gets frustrated and upset when the photographer and Orange Jay keep telling her to do different things. Her final photo, predictably, is weak. And she pulls the rookie move of using the "different advice" excuse during panel, which gets her no sympathy.

At panel, the guest judge is Lionel Deluy, their photographer. In solo deliberation, the judges trash Victoria's and Ebony's attitudes, worry that Sarah is losing weight (jigga-what? I never thought I'd see the day...), and praise Bianca's accidental baldness. They absolutely love Jenah and Heather, and are especially disappointed with Chantal and Saleisha. The first picture goes to Jenah, who is followed by Sarah, Heather (who is Covergirl of the week again!), Lisa, Janet, Ambreal, Ebony, Bianca, and Chantal. Victoria gets praised for her look, but criticized for her attitude. Saleisha's pictures, on the other hand, are disappointing to the judges. She gets another chance, though, and Victoria is sent home. Eh, I'm not that upset. She was getting a little obnoxious, and didn't really want it anyway. She's understandably excited about the lack of high heels and makeup in her future.

Heather and Lisa are still two of my faves, and I'm kind of on the fence about Jenah. On the one hand, I love her pictures, probably more than anyone else's. On the other hand, I'm not really warming up to her as a person, and yet not getting a love-to-hate vibe, either (a la Eva the Diva). Also, her makeover is not flattering.

Next Week: Top Model on Ice!

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America's Next Top Model: Is it time for makeovers yet?

Tonight on Top Model, we were once again forced to endure an entire episode of un-made-over models. It was pretty rough going, but I managed to ignore Janet's semi-mullet long enough to enjoy a shouting match, a runway show, and a very random photo shoot.

As the girls are hanging out at the house, Kimberly asks Bianca for help walking, and Bianca totally sabotages her with bad tips! Bitch! In fact, I'm just going to change the word "Bitch" to "Bianca" for the length of this recap. Thus, later, Bianca Biancas about how Heather has it really easy in the competition, since everyone feels sorry for her and her Aspergers-having self. Um, right. I'm not even going to address that. It was heartening to see some of the girls help Heather out with clothes and makeup, though. Not because someone with Aspergers can't do it themselves or anything, but because it means they're actually warming up to her. Yay!

The girls are sent to a "fashion madhouse," which is set up to look like an abandoned mental hospital. After scaring them half to death, Miss Jay goes about curing them of their fashion ills. By...putting them in straightjackets and making them walk in heels. I would fall over in, like, two seconds, you guys. Also? I love this show. That really can't be said enough. Poor Heather doesn't do so well, while Janet and Saleisha were standouts.

Bianca and Saleisha, it should be noted, have a bit of a rivalry going. Mostly in Bianca's mind. I have to give the edge to Saleisha, though, who has prior modeling experience (and also isn't a backstabbing Bianca). It all comes to a head in a bizarre shouting match, which everyone else just kind of laughs at. Which is completely fair, because it was hilarious. Bianca follows it up with an interview that simply must be quoted in full: "I could break these [Biancas] down one by one. I refuse to let these [Biancas] think that I'm not a real model. Don't let the red hair fool you, [Biancas]. I can be very high fashion, okay?" AMAZING!

Tyra Mail! They're off meet Roy Campbell, who is putting together a couture fashion show with gowns by Colleen Quen. The winner of the walking challenge will get to walk the runway in her next line's Paris debut. The dresses are...weird. And mostly very difficult to walk in, though not entirely, which seems unfair. And the runway commentary by Roy Campbell is hilarious: "Imagine molten metal poured all over your body, and you have this curvaceous gown." Ebony and Sarah have a bit of a runway collision, and Roy Campbell points out that it almost looked deliberate on Ebony's part. Saleisha deservedly wins the challenge, though Bianca also gets praised.

This week's photo shoot isn't quite as life-altering as last week's. ...Unless it's trying to send some sort of anti-vertigo message. That's right, they'll be on a rock climbing wall in high fashion gowns. And crazy makeup. Just because. Lisa is afraid of heights, but does a great job anyway, of course. 'Cause Lisa's a pro. Her face was often self-conscious in the film, though. Janet's final photo is good, but her film wasn't consistent. And the judges don't see her as a model in person. Saleisha needs a bit of a pep talk, but then she really pulls it out with an amazing upside-down pose, even though she's not really "high fashion." I'm definitely on board the Saleisha train, although the "I've modeled before" thing is getting a wee bit old.

Bianca isn't quite as successful, which is fine by me. Bizarrely, Twiggy loves her in person. Victoria, who really needs to stop talking about how nerdy she is, turns out a very interesting, unique photo. I love it, and the judges like it too, though they want her to appear more confident in person. And, kind of in opposition to that, they want her to stop talking back to them. Ambreal does a great job according to most of the judges, but Twiggy and I are just not feeling it with her. Chantal has some difficulty with posing. In fact, her photo looks totally crazy, and the judges especially aren't digging the spread eagle pose. However, they seem to come around to it in the end, and she winds up with some pretty heavy praise (undeservedly, in my opinion).

Ebony is worried, but still pulls out an okay picture. The judges aren't sure she has what it takes to make it in the industry. Sarah's photo turns out nicely, and the judges point out how photogenic her face is. They find her awkward in person, though. Kimberly doesn't have a great photo, but the judges at least like her in person. They worry, though, that she's overly hoochie in pictures, and show a horrifying casting photo of Kimberly in a vest/corset thing to prove their point. Urgh. Jenah is an expert rock climber and poser, and really rocks (get it?) the shoot. The judges love her photo. Heather also does a great job, and we get to see some of her drawings at judging, which are pretty impressive. The judges love her (as should everyone).

Heather, bless her heart, talks about how hard eliminations are, because she really likes all the girls. Glad to see she's fitting in better at the house, but some of the other girls do NOT deserve her friendship after all the trash-talking last week. She's a bigger person than I am, that's for sure. And she's Covergirl of the Week, so well-played for the second week in a row, America. Jaslene's Life as a Covergirl, incidentally, is still loud and monotone-tastic. And yet, she's been selected as spokesperson for a big anti-abuse campaign. Go figure.

Back at panel, Jenah gets the first picture, followed by Heather. Yay! Also in are Lisa, Chantal (this early?), Sarah, Ambreal, Victoria, Saleisha (this late?), Janet, and Ebony (who practically rips the photo out of Tyra's hand). According to Tyra, Kimberly is gorgeous but doesn't photograph well for high fashion, while Bianca's photo was unpopular with all the judges but Tyra. Bianca gets to stick around, though, and Kimberly is out. Fair enough, I guess.

Next week: MAKEOVERS!!!!!1!

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America's Next Top Model: Tyra saves the world!

This week on Top Model, Tyra takes a stand against all that is wrong with the world, and vows to right those wrongs using the medium of reality television. Just when I thought I couldn't love this show any more, she kicks things up a notch. Tyra's my hero, you guys.

The girls start their first day by meeting Orange Jay, whose hair is distinctly whiter than usual. I think the cooler silvery color really brings out the orange in his skin. He brings them out to their new biodiesel limo/bus. It's awesome, and may actually begin to make up for the horrifyingly gas-guzzling transportation used in previous cycles. Go, Tyra!!! They drive to their new pad, which is also green-themed. Plants everywhere, and tips for being eco-friendly scattered about, though I wonder if it's truly eco-friendly like the bitch bus. Alternative energy? Composting? Low-flow showerheads? Green roof? I kind of doubt it, but that would be pretty sweet. And guess what?! The difference-making isn't done yet! Later, at the end of panel, Tyra announces that this is a non-smoking cycle, because Top Model is Taking. A. Stand. Two stands in one episode? Best cycle ever! I can't wait to watch Jenah (who smokes) get bitchier and bitchier as the stress of the competition builds...I just wish I knew who else smoked.

Okay, time to gossip about the girls. Heather, who has Aspergers, spends a lot of time on her own. And staring into space. Aww. She gives the others a little lecture on Aspergers, but they still don't seem to be taking to her, though they do seem to pity her a bit. Interestingly, they keep coming up with reasons why Heather's disability will make the competition really difficult for her. Threatened, much? Victoria, who is awesome, is bothered by the other girls talking about Heather behind her back (not that she does anything to stop it). Kimberly, in particular, is pretty mean. Nuts. I kind of liked her. Now that Heather is a top contender, I wonder if they'll be treating her any differently.

Now, I know Ebony is getting the bitch label, but I have to say, I think Bianca is worse. I mean, at least Ebony owns it! Bianca is, like, stealth-bitch. Lisa and Bianca snipe back and forth at each other a lot at the photo shoot. Now, I know Lisa's more mature, so I don't know why she's even bothering getting into it with that bitch. Bianca actually makes her cry when she says that the next Top Model won't be an exotic dancer. Orange Jay has to come in to tell them to get their act together and quit fighting, and then they make nice back at the pool. ...Or do they?! Bianca totally admits in an interview that she only apologized because she didn't want it to come up at panel. Worst. Ever!

Alright, time to talk photo shoot. The first shoot's theme is...(drumroll please)...anti-smoking! Aww, you guys, Top Model is being all adorably responsible this season! Can next week's theme be about the dangers of eating disorders? And then make the next one about how throwing phones at people is bad for your career? It's a double-shoot, with each contestant shooting one glam photo lighting up a cigarette, and one darker photo, which will be shown as a reflection in the mirror, of the side effects or end results of smoking. And, as you might have guessed, this is one of the Most Controversial Shoots Ever. If they keep topping themselves like this, they're going to have to have the girls strangle puppies or something just to get the controversial label.

Ambreal's photo depicts lung cancer, in the form of her coughing up blood. It's pretty gross. The judges see a great model in her photos, but less so in person. Jenah is portraying baldness from chemotherapy. Oh, and she's a smoker, but she claims to have quit after the shoot. Nice touch, Jenah! I bet you thought you'd get some happy tears from Tyra for that one. Little did you know, Tyra'd be making you quit anyway! The judges really like her photos, but give her a few posing tips. Privately, they think she's already getting a bit boring. Mila, who is possibly the most cheerful person I've ever seen, is also doing chemo hair loss, but can't stop laughing how crazy her patchy hair looks. Um, yeah. Not great. She gets some criticism for her posing and gets tagged with the dreaded Dead Eye label. Uh oh.

Janet is a burn victim with makeup that looks completely painted-on. The judges love her photo, but I'm not really feelin' it. And Twiggy doesn't think she looks like a model. Probably because of the semi-mullet. I'm with ya, Twiggy. Chantal has the throat hole thing. URGH. The judges like her photos, but think her eyes were a bit too "bedroom." I think she looks pretty hot. In the one without the throat hole, obvs. Heather and Saleisha are together depicting the effects of second-hand smoke. Quite the astonishing coincidence that the girl with a social disorder gets put in a photo with another girl on her first shoot, eh? Heather has a tough time interacting with Saleisha, but the judges love their photos.

Kimberly is doing "sunken face," which...okay. Is that even a real thing, or just an excuse for crazy makeup? The judges think she's a bit too hoochie, but love her "tragic" shot. What could be more tragic than "sunken face," after all? I have to say, the judges seem to be grading on a bit of a curve this week. They're usually so harsh, especially on the first few shoots, and now they're giving the mildest criticism ever, combined with effusive praise. Is this the kinder, gentler Top Model? At any rate, Sarah is doing premature aging, and her makeup is hysterical. She looks a little like Melrose, as a matter of fact. The judges love her photos. Victoria is portraying a smoker who has given birth to a stillborn child. Yikes. The judges love her photos, but say she needs to work on her people skills a bit. Never change, Victoria! Never change!

Ebony doesn't quite rock the shoot--she's depicting a collapsed lung. The judges think her posing is stiff, but like her reflection shot. Which barely even shows her face, or anything but props, but whatever. Nigel thinks she's the most beautiful girl there. Oh, Nigel. So horny and thus untrustworthy when it comes to judging potential models. Bianca has "severe gingivitis," and they put some kind of scary witch/hillbilly teeth in her. YUCK. The judges think she's too posey and has the Dead Eye, and they love her reflection photo, which looks totally freaking absurd to me. Lisa is working with a "face tumor," which is just gross. The judges think her photos are great, though, and they are right. They looove her, and are right about that, too. Yay, Lisa!

Before judging, the girls get a quick styling challenge/Old Navy Commercial. They're instructed by Miss Jay to head over to Old Navy (which is full of great basics!) to pick out an outfit to wear to panel that fits their personal style, but makes them look like a model. And they only have ten minutes, of course, because what's Top Model without a gaggle of girls running all over a store in various states of undress while totally trashing the place? Benny Ninja, the flamiest posing instructor in all the land, meets them there to pimp Old Navy and yell stuff at them as they frantically shop. He tells them to not be boring, but that seems like some sort of sneaky trap, since Miss Jay said to keep things clean and simple. At panel, judges mostly complain about too many accessories. Victoria gets props, but Saleisha wins the $1,000 Old Navy shopping spree, as well the chance to do an ad for Old Navy.

And finally, the moment of truth at panel. Heather gets called first! Take that, bitches. Lisa (yay!), Chantal, Sarah, Jenah, Saleisha, Ambreal, Victoria (yay!), Janet, Kimberly, and Bianca (boo) are all also in. Ebony is totally already crying, but it's cheerful optimist Mila who's out, still smiling, of course. Fair enough, I guess...her photos weren't great, and she doesn't bring the drama that Ebony brings. (Also, Nigel's totally right. The chick is gorgeous.) Still, it would've been nice to have had a sunny person like Mila around the house. Either that, or it would have gotten old in, like, five minutes.

In other news, Jaslene's "My Life as a Covergirl" was extremely uneventful. Um, the Teen Choice Awards? Lame! Does anyone remember when these were good, or is it just my imagination? Lisa, for her part, is the Covergirl of the Week. Well done, America. Well done.

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America's Next Top Model: The Bitch is Back

I hope you're ready for some skinny bitches, because America's Next Top Model is back with a vengeance. And you know I love me some ANTM. If you read my preview and watched this episode, then you know how hilariously wrong I was about half of the girls. However, you'll also know that I was totally right about at least two of them. So, you know, there's that. And I’m going to kick things off with the disclaimer that if you’re watching this show and think that you want to look like any of the contestants, you should probably go into the kitchen right now and eat a big bar of chocolate. For reals. Anyway, enough with the cycle-opening formalities, and let's delve right into the bitchy meat of it all! (Spoilers ahead, so don't read if you don't want to know!)

This cycle opens with a bit of an exciting (for the girls, not for us) difference: the semi-finalists are going to the Caribbean! This is explained by the fact that lots of models do photo shoots in the Caribbean. Um, right. Whatever you say, CW. I'm pretty sure you and I both know that this entire episode was an advertisement for Royal Caribbean, right down to Miss Jay giving the girls a tour of the cruise ship and its many luxurious amenities (including nice bathrooms, hopefully, since one of the semi-finalists totally gets some kind of cruise ship dysentery).

After they see their digs, the girls head up to the deck for a "safety briefing." But no! It's a fake out! (First fake out of the season, you guys! I'm getting all sentimental!) Instead, the contestants are walking the "runway," in lifejackets, in front of a bunch of cruise ship passengers. This is both hilarious AND a devious mind game, because those lifejackets totally make you feel way fatter and more ridiculous than you actually look. The walkers we see are largely unimpressive, although Miss Jay claims that some of the girls did well. A beautiful contestant named Ebony is very confident, while a hunchbacked girl named Heather is more insecure, and upset by Miss Jay's criticism.

Next up: DINNER THEATER! Oh. Em. Gee. I'm just going to come out and say it: this show is genius. The more over-the-top it gets, the more I fall in love with it. In that way, my feelings about this show are very similar to my feelings about Cher. Also, this show and Cher are now both inextricably connected to big ships in my head. Aaaanyway, as the girls are eating dinner, Tyra comes out on the stage wearing a crazy outfit with a giant feather headdress (yet another Cher comparison!), accompanied by male dancers in sailor outfits. She sing/talks about finding her next Top Model to the tune of "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean." Ha. Ha. HA!!! It's extraordinary, and the girls recognize this fact by shrieking at epic decibels.

And now, it's time for interviews with Tyra and the Jays! First up is Ambreal, who goes to Howard University. She does some different runway walks, including a choreographed one with Tyra, and seems pretty fun. Chantal, a tall, thin blonde (which surprisingly doesn't describe half the contestants on ANTM), is very into fashion, and Orange Jay finds her very "modelesque." Heather (the hunchback) starts off insulting Tyra by saying "Hey pretty lady...and Tyra" when she enters. But, she has a good sob story, so Tyra forgives her. Turns out she's been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, a mild form of autism which makes her socially awkward. Though she's a terrible walker, the panel thinks she'll be great for editorial photos (and, let's face it, very interesting to have in the house with all the bitches). Saleisha actually knows Tyra from time they spent together at Tyra's TZONE camp for disadvantaged girls. She plays the suck-up card well, saying that the camp really helped her self-esteem. In fact, it helped it enough that she now wants to do Victoria's Secret and Sports Illustrated! Aww...I feel a little inspired myself.

Victoria (AKA "Liz's initial favorite who will probably end up totally incapable of taking good photos") is a nerdy Yale student with an unusually long face and chill personality. She's the poor contestant who got sick on the cruise ship. She says that she should win because she's smart and strong, and only when pressed admits that she thinks some of the other girls are a little...less than smart. Janet, from Georgia, is an aesthetician who describes how to wax butt cracks, and then kind of molests Tyra. She has a semi-mullet and gets really excited about Wal-Mart coming to her town. Janet and I will never be BFF. Marvita has a really sad story about sexual abuse at the hands of relatives, but looks a little too old to be a new model.

Mila, an Eastern European-looking blonde, is very, very talkative. Sabrina, who is really into her hair, is extremely, extremely confident. Like, she can't come up with her worst feature, and calls her talent "extraordinaire." Sabrina doesn't believe in tempting fate, clearly. Jenah is also very confident, and although I like her unusual look, she kind of reminds me of someone who is reinventing herself as a bitchy girl. She claims that girls hate her, that she's really smart, that she only hangs out with guys, something about beer pong, etc., etc. Whatever, Jenah. Sarah, who plays a joke on the panel involving pulling a long strand of paper from her nose, is kind of awesome. Unfortunately, she's also our token plus-size model for the cycle, so she's probably doomed. Especially since she's not actually plus-size--she's just not skeletal. In fact, she appears to be about my size (if I were eight feet taller), and I consider myself to be on the slim side. This show is bad for my self-esteem, you guys.

Lisa, a "bikini dancer" (read: exotic dancer without the nudity), is gorgeous, and seems like a cool person who's overcome a fair amount in life (6 years of foster care, to be exact). Bianca chooses to spend her time talking about different kinds of bitches: fun bitches (her), and bitchy bitches (Ebony). She really, really wants this. Jennifer, a bah-tender from Boston, is apparently blind in one eye (and also really wants this). Kimberly brings Tyra a weird painted horse figurine from her hometown and screams like crazy when asked what she does when stressed. The panel loves her. Ebony (the aforementioned bitch) uses the tried and true "the girls that don't like me are just jealous" defense. She's actually really beautiful. Tyra plays talk show host and gets her to cry talking about her drug-addicted mom. Not cool, Tyra! Apparently, Ebony only lashes out at other people because she's in pain. I'm sure the girls she's mean to will feel totally better about it once they hear that.

After the interviews, the models head off to a beach in Antigua with the Jays, where they see Jaslene, last cycle's winner, posing for a totally fake photo shoot! Jaslene talks about how great it is to be a top model. (Yeah, honey, if your completely lame first My Life as a CoverGirl didn't convince me, this won't either.) She looks really skinny, which is per usual, I guess. In fact, she's probably put on some weight since this shoot. At any rate, the girls are there for their own, slightly less fake, photo shoot. They all get in the water to have their photo taken while the other semi-finalists stand around and make mean comments. The standouts, in my opinion, are Victoria, Lisa, and Heather.

And it's finally time for the first cut. Sabrina, unaware that the first cut is the deepest, is totally psyched for it, because she thinks there are a lot of girls who don't deserve to be there. Wow, the girl clearly doesn't have a superstitious bone in her body, but (spoiler alert!) is about to learn a valuable lesson. The usual "find your photo and start screaming and jumping up and down, or crying if you don't find it" mayhem ensues, and Sabrina is one of the criers. After gathering the remaining 20 contestants together and asking each one why they should be in the competition (and getting boring, vaguely inspirational answers from each girl that they show), Tyra meets with the Jays to go over photos. Their favorites seem to be Jenah, Mila, Lisa, Victoria, Chantal, Heather, and Janet. They think Saleisha and Bianca would be much better post-makeover. They like that Marvita looks different, but don't really see "high fashion" in her. Because God knows all Top Model winners go on to careers modeling couture.

All the semi-finalists gather at the pool, which has a hilarious transparent runway/bridge going across it, so that anyone whose name is called can't get too excited running up to Tyra without risking falling in. (Unfortunately, this never happens.) In are Mila, Bianca, Jenah, Chantal, and Ambreal, at which point the remaining girls start to tear up. Victoria, Sarah, Saleisha, Kimberly, Ebony, Janet, and Heather are also in, and Lisa is weeping by now. But wait! She's in! Hooray! The losers, according to Tyra, are "all special" (according to me, they're largely crybabies, with the exception of Marvita), but they aren't "role models." Um, what? Tyra is crazy, you guys. CRAZY. And that, my friends, is why I love her. And this show. No, I'm not afraid to admit it. (Although seriously, I do think it's probably creating a whole new generation of bulimic youngsters, so I'm really hoping they'll do an all plus-size cycle, or something. Because Jesus Christ, these girls are dangerously skinny. And it's turning them mean, if the clips from next week's episode are any indication.)

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America's Next Top Model: Cycle Nine Preview

Ah, America's Next Top Model: Cycle 9. Crazy Tyra, skinny bitches, judges both hot and flaming, um, more skinny bitches... It's the show we all pretend to love to hate, but secretly kind of just love. (You know, aside from the enormously damaging effect it's probably having on the collective psyche of female adolescent America. Note to young girls: this is disgusting, not sexy.)

Anyway, the time has come for a new "cycle," which means we have a new crop of wannabe models! And (spoilers ahead for the casting portion of the premiere) the latest contestants for America's Next Top Skinny Bitch are:

Ambreal, a 19-year-old college student from Dallas, seems likeable enough, although her photos don't scream "model" to me.

Bianca, an 18-year-old college student from Queens, is really into walking the runway--fairly unusual among Top Model contestants--so I'm intrigued. She also seems to have a...bold...personality, and really wants this, which both bode well for her results on the show.

Chantal, a 19-year-old student from Austin, has unimpressive photos and a pretty boring interview--I don't expect her to last long.

Ebony, a 20-year-old nursing student from Chicago, has auditioned for the show three times. I like her photos, her look, and her engaging personality, so I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this one.

Heather, a 21-year-old college student from Indiana, will henceforth be referred to as "the nose." She likes to talk, at length, about how pretty other people think she is and how much she loves attention. Can you tell I kind of hate her already?

Janet, a 22-year-old aesthetician from Georgia, is the token short-haired girl. While that would normally mean I'd be rooting for her, I'm just not feelin' it this time around.

Jenah, an 18-year-old student from Connecticut, is pretty likeable. However, since she repeatedly claims to "welcome" critique...she has giant teeth and is a nervous over-talker (me too, Jenah, me too).

Kimberly, a 20-year-old college student from Florida, seems like she'll be fun, has decent photos, and has a good attitude about the competition. So...she'll probably be eliminated early on, because that's just my luck.

Lisa, a 20-year-old dancer from Jersey City, takes beautiful photographs. If she can stay interesting to the judges, she'll do well.

Mila, a 20-year-old "college graduate" from Boston, does not take beautiful photographs. You seem like a sweet, good-looking girl, Mila, so I apologize in advance for all the mean things I'll likely say about your photos.

Saleisha, a 21-year-old receptionist from LA, looks the most like Tyra out of the bunch (can you say five-head?), so that should serve her pretty well. She also seems to be good at posing.

Sarah, a 20-year-old college student from Massachusetts, seems smart, expressive, and relatable. I hope she makes it far, although she may be too conventionally pretty to do well, so we'll see.

Victoria, a 20-year-old college student from Connecticut, is most certainly not conventionally pretty. She has a very long face, which may be a good thing since the judges sometimes seem to love exaggerated features, and seems like a pretty chill, down-to-earth girl. God, I almost feel sorry for her.

So that's our current crop of contestants! More students than you can shake a stick at, and a bunch of girls who don't seem to have considered modeling as a career until they made it on the show (although I'd probably claim I auditioned as a joke, too, come to think of it).

Watch America's Next Top Model on Wednesdays at 8 on the CW starting this week, and you can see for yourself just how wrong I probably was about all the girls in this post. It's so hard to tell from a couple photos and a short interview!

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America's Next Top Model: Clip shows are SO not fierce

As usual on ANTM, just when things start to get interesting, Tyra hits us with a clip show. Here's what we learned:

• Cassandra was a million times greater than we ever got a chance to realize. The girls had a pretend fashion show one night in which they sort of portrayed each other, and Cassandra was a Russian model. It was hilarious and amazing. Too bad she sucked at modeling.
• Jael, on the other hand, was a million times crazier and more annoying than we knew. Renee earns my (probably not undying, but still quite strong) affection by calling Jael "a female Kramer."
• Jaslene was more up in people's faces than we saw before, but is pretty much exactly as full of herself as we thought.
• Renee kept talking about how much she misses her kid, which, fair enough. But when she repeatedly says stuff like, "I would give anything in the world to take my kid to the park right now," she loses my affection (told you it wasn't undying). Anything, Renee? Your kid's not dead, you just decided to go on a reality show. You'd clearly give anything but the chance to be Top Model. Shut up, Renee.
• These chicks are pretty tough! Cassandra got frostbite and had to go to the hospital from holding ice cream in her hand for too long. Natasha got a cavity in her wisdom tooth and had to have the tooth extracted. With minimal painkillers, apparently. Damn.

Those are pretty much the highlights of the clip show. No huge surprises, no crazy revelations. Let's hope they make up for it this week with some Aussie craziness. (I'm crossing my fingers for male models AND venomous snakes, but not at the same time.)

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America's Next Top Model: Brittany needs this like she needs a(nother) hole in the head.

One of these days, I'm gonna make it home from work by 8 on a Wednesday. One of these days. So last week on Top Model, Tyra Banks proved once again that she is not afraid to look completely effing ridiculous to get a couple laughs or surprise the girls. In this instance, the girls are met by Tyra hopping around in a giant kangaroo outfit (as furries all over the world rewind their Tivos over and over again), joined by an actual kangaroo who hops around gamely but confusedly. Yes, the girls are headed to Australia, land of vegemite and hot accents. Also lots of snakes (mostly venomous), which I hope will prove entertaining later this cycle.

Upon their arrival, the girls have to memorize Aussie slang terms, which they will use while dazzling the locals with their fabulous interviewing skills (taught by April from Cycle 2 before they left the states). Brittany is worried because after an accident a few years ago (and the resulting eight staples in her head), her short term memory is only slightly better than the guy from Memento's. Don't worry, Brittany! Carson Daly does a perfectly mediocre job interviewing people, and just think how many times he must've been dropped on his head as a child!

After the interviewing challenge, which Natasha inexplicably manages to win, the girls meet Orange Jay out in a park to shoot the fabled Covergirl commercial (the Waterloo of many a promising Top Model contestant in the past). Oh, and they'll be reading their lines with Aussie accents. HA! It's no Catalan, but still... Natasha is rightfully worried, as is poor half-wit Brittany.

The filming is just as hilarious as you would expect. Renee does a fine job with her lines, but her accent is insanely over-the-top, and she appears to be wearing an absurd cravat of some sort. Which isn't really her fault, but still works against her. Dionne is pretty blah, but Jael is ridiculous, like a depressed model who took uppers and is now a caricature of herself. Jaslene struggles with her lines, but ends up pulling it out, and Brittany (predictably) can't get through the lines at all. Natasha is overly serious (it's a Covergirl commercial, dude, not a PSA about herpes), but gets the job done.

The end result is amazing. Worst. Accents. Ever. I'm laughing as hard as I can only imagine people who speak Catalan did upon watching last cycle's commercial. It's so nice to finally be able to share their mirth. At judging, it becomes apparent that Renee thought she did way better than she actually did. Ah, the old "be an actress and a model" conundrum. It's felled many a good contestant before you, Renee. Brittany cries like crazy about her head wound, and the panel is all, "tough titty!" It's awesome. Tyra stretches the bounds of hyperbole by saying she almost thought she was looking at a real Covergirl commercial. Covergirl commercial actresses everywhere stick pins in their Tyra-shaped voodoo dolls.

Natasha, Renee, Jaslene, and Dionne are in. Do we even need to do the rest? So long, Jael! ...Okay, okay. According to Tyra, Brittany needs to be able to do a Covergirl ad successfully to be a Top Model, and Jael is absurd on film. Brittany stays, Jael is out, and TV is now 100% more sane.

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