The Bachelor: The Most Dramatic Post-Finale Reunion Show EVER

Last night on The Bachelor: The Most Shocking Rose Ceremony Ever in the History of the Universe, which resulted in the WORST FINALE EVER. It was a total slap in the face for everyone who's been bothering to watch all season, and fairly cruel the way Brad led Jenni and DeAnna on. (And I'm not even going to get into the crazy rumors floating around about his ex-girlfriend.) Thus, I'm hoping that tonight's post-finale discussion will turn into a Brad Womack Beat-Down, the likes of which reality television has never seen before.

We begin, however, with "a little surprise." Apparently, former Bachelorians Trista and Ryan are making their first primetime appearance as a family (ah, the age-old rite), now that they have a little baby boy. The kid is cute, but I'm pretty much completely uninterested, given the drama that will hopefully be ensuing as soon as Brad, Jenni, and DeAnna head out on stage. Chris then trots out what may be the only other Bachelor "success story": Byron and Mary, from season 6. So...this is clearly ABC trying to prove that this show isn't a total fraud. I'm far from convinced. Two couples in eleven seasons (plus one season of The Bachelorette) is hardly something to crow about.

Moving on to the meat of the episode (13 minutes in), Jenni heads out on stage to chat with Chris. We confirm that she was stunned, crushed, devastated, etc. when Brad rejected her, before getting a montage of Jenni and Brad's greatest hits. Half of which we saw just last night. The audience, it should be noted, boos when they show the clip of Brad dumping her. Right on, audience. Right on. I mean, he obviously shouldn't have chosen to stay with Jenni if he wasn't feeling it, but he certainly could have avoided leading her on like that. And Jenni confirms that she felt a little misled.

Fascinatingly enough, Jenni thought that Brad was with DeAnna until she saw the finale last night. Wow. And it made her even sadder to discover that he didn't choose either of them. Of course, she points out what I've been wondering: Why not stay with one of them just to see how it works, rather than go all-out with a proposal? On a sadder note, Jenni's super-awesome grandmother passed away a couple weeks ago. We get a great montage, which is actually pretty sweet, and very sad. But not enough to distract me from how lame last night's finale was, ABC. Nice try.

Next up: DeAnna, who is still confused as to what the heck happened. ABC, helpfully trying to clear things up, shows us another painful montage. God, it's the worst. He completely made this girl think that he was going to propose. Why tell her that he just dumped Jenni? And even more so, why even sign up for this show if you're not the kind of guy who can fall in love at the drop of a hat? Brad was clearly the wrong kind of romantic for The Bachelor.

Back in the studio, DeAnna explains that it felt like she laid her heart out on the table for Brad, and he stabbed her right through it. She says she knew when he started pacing around during the rose ceremony that something was wrong, and is angry that she put so much of herself into their relationship without any reciprocation. Plus, there's the understandable confusion that he wasn't able to choose anyone (not even just to date), and the difficulty of living with that fact for the past two and a half months. She still has hope for their relationship, which is a bit sad. This whole thing is a bit sad, yo.

Chris confirms that this is the first time in the show's history in which the Bachelor chose no one, and Brad enters the stage to a solid mix of applause and boos. He claims to be more disappointed than anybody (unconvinced murmuring in the audience), and that his heart was also broken. He spouts some junk about DeAnna deserving more than somebody saying "let's see what happens," when he wasn't really in love with her. However, apparently the production company flew DeAnna's father out at Brad's request, because he wanted to talk to her father before proposing. Okay, so I guess it would have been DeAnna (called it!), though he says he knew when he was shopping for rings that it didn't feel right. In one fell swoop, he addresses and denies the rumors that he has kids, is gay, is dating, etc. He doesn't quite seem to be winning the audience over. And for good reason, the jerk.

Jenni heads out to chat with Brad, and it's uncomfortable. She asks him why he didn't want to take a chance on someone, which he hilariously answers by saying that he didn't want to take a chance when he had feelings for both of them, and didn't want to mislead. She basically calls it as a load of garbage, considering he really led them on throughout the show. So...he liked both of them...but neither of them enough? And so didn't choose anyone both because he couldn't choose between the two of them, and because he didn't want either of them? This is all kinds of ridiculous.

DeAnna joins Brad on stage next, and they share a hug before she sits down nervously. She starts off by asking him how he couldn't have chosen either of them, and totally calls him on leading her on, even telling her that the day of the rose ceremony would be "a good day." She refuses to believe that there was nothing there for Brad, and she's pretty freaking awesome, to tell you the truth. He admits to not being perfect, and says that he just couldn't stay with her at all without having the same feelings she had. He claims to be a romantic, and to be heartbroken, and it's pretty freaking obnoxious. I mean, figure out what you're going to do before you get the girl's hopes up, dude.

DeAnna really gets angry when he says he still thinks about her every day, and wonders why he'd say things like that and yet still walk away from her. He repeats that he still didn't feel like there was something between them, and DeAnna gets even more upset. He's basically just jerking her around, if you ask me, and poor DeAnna is completely confused and heartbroken. Especially since she clearly hoped he'd change her mind upon seeing her again. Brad is the WORST, you guys. The worst. I mean, Jesus Christ. He seems to think his choice was the noble one, but he's handling this terribly. He heads off to work on his "issues" before receiving the ass-kicking that I'd been hoping for, and Chris hauls out the successful Bachelor couples to rub them in Brad's and our faces.

It's been an...interesting...season, you guys! And according to Chris, The Bachelor will be back in the spring. And it'll be missing a number of viewers thanks to this debacle of a season, I'd imagine, including myself. Clearly, having the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever isn't necessarily a good thing. Ugh.

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The Bachelor: Finally the finale...sort of

Well, we've reached the end of the road here on The Bachelor. Kind of. Tonight is the fake-out "finale," where he chooses his girl, but somehow they all come back tomorrow to rehash everything (again), just when you think you're rid of the whole bunch. Sigh. Don't call it a "season finale" if it's not the season's finale, ABC. Tonight, Jenni and DeAnna (both "almost perfect," according to Brad) will be meeting Brad's family and having final dates with Brad before he makes the big decision.

DeAnna's up first, and Brad's mom and brothers are happy to hear that she's from Georgia, and that Brad liked her family. His mom observes that Brad is really affectionate with DeAnna. (And he really, really is. More so than before they had the overnight date, if you catch my drift.) She asks DeAnna if she's in love with Brad (yes), if she's expecting a proposal (yes...well, hoping for one), and if she wants a large family (three, perfect for Brad's mom). Okay, this is, like, the easiest interview ever. What a bunch of softball questions! Brad and his brothers chat about how tough it will be to make a decision. In a not-at-all staged shot, the brothers push each other into the pool. DeAnna felt great about the family visit, and says she'll be crushed if she never gets to see them again. She and Brad kiss goodbye, and she tells us again how in love she is with Brad. Yeah, I think she'll probably win. Though I have to say, this was such a lame bunch of contestants (and such a lame Bachelor) that I don't really care either way.

Brad acknowledges to his family how hard DeAnna will be to beat, and Jenni pulls into the driveway. She's super excited (as always--perkiness is clearly a cheerleader stereotype based on reality), and she and Brad share a long hug before he tears himself away to introduce her to the fam. This may be closer than I expected. Jenni tells everyone that it's tough being down to the final two girls, and Brad's mom busts right out with "Have you told Brad that you love him?" Wow. Just rip the Band-Aid right off, why don't you? Jenni says she hasn't, and there's some awkwardness. Jenni answers that she didn't want to feel pressured into saying it, but Mom doesn't seem convinced. When they sit down to talk, Jenni and Brad's mom discuss the importance of family. His mom asks if Jenni is in love with Brad, and Jenni dodges a bit, finally saying that she's falling in love with him, but only after a little hemming and hawing. Then, she says that she'd totally accept his proposal with a big "I love you." So...her feelings grew stronger just today? ...During that conversation? I'm getting a whiff of fake, here.

We get a few interviews about how torn up Brad is, and he tells his mom that saying goodbye to either one of the women would break his heart. His mom doesn't have any advice for him, and likes both of them. She says she found DeAnna easier to talk to, but thinks that it could be the other way around had she met Jenni first. She interviews to us that he's really confused about having feelings for both women, since he's never dated two girls at once. She seems like a really nice lady--I wonder what she really thinks of his being on this show...

DeAnna has Brad over to her place for a solo date, and impresses him right off the bat by cooking a great lasagna. DeAnna interviews that she's terrified that he won't choose her, and that she really wants to be his wife. Wow, she sure fell hard and fast, huh? They discuss how great it was when she met his family, and he tells her that he has "very strong feelings" for her, and that she'd be "an incredible wife, and more importantly, an even better mother." She says it made her feel like she was the only person in his life, and I have to say, it kind of did seem like that. He may have crossed the line into cruelly misleading her and getting her hopes up, if he didn't intend to choose her. She tells him that she's falling in love with him, sees herself marrying him, and is scared that he won't choose her. He's pretty impassive at this point (wisely, I'd say), but they share a kiss at the end of the conversation.

At Jenni's place, Brad finds a very different, Asian-themed meal awaiting him. With edamame! Nice! She, like DeAnna, feels less confident at this point than she has the entire competition. She starts to tear up when she's telling Brad that he doesn't have to be scared about her, and cries that she thinks she'd be worth the work that their relationship would entail, and would do whatever it takes to make it successful. She gives him a journal with her thoughts about the experience, including a statement about how she's falling in love with him, which she reads out loud. She seems to think that his choosing her would entail "taking a chance," like DeAnna's the safe bet. I'm assuming this is because it would be a long distance relationship. Otherwise, framing herself in that way is probably a terrible strategy. At any rate, she does the whole tearful "I love you" thing, and this whole episode is honestly just really painful to watch. It seems like both women are really invested in this, to the point where it almost seems mean to mock them. Not that that's ever stopped me before, I guess.

The morning of the final rose ceremony, Brad goes shopping for an engagement ring, and agonizes over the decision he has to make. He says he can see both of them as his wife: DeAnna as loyal and supportive, Jenni as laughing and fun. However, he says he's certain of his decision, difficult as it will be. Jenni gets escorted up to see him, and I'm not actually sure what that means at first, having never watched the show before this season. Apparently, it means she's not getting the proposal, after a bit of a fake-out. Their relationship just isn't deep enough. Crying ensues, of course. He begs her to say something to him, and she finally says that she now feels embarrassed that she told him she loved him. Well, that's totally valid. How humiliating! This show is kind of mean. After a long and tearful (on Jenni's part) walk to the limo (and more crying in the limo), Brad heads back to the site of the ceremony.

After an interview from Brad about how DeAnna is his ideal wife, DeAnna is escorted up to see him. She interviews about how excited and scared she is, and that she'll definitely say yes if he proposes. After a sweet speech about how perfect she is, he tells DeAnna that he just said goodbye to Jenni. She smiles, and he tugs his collar nervously, tells her to hang on, and paces around the garden. Uh-oh. He tells DeAnna that he has a lot of feelings for her, but can't tell her he loves her and make a promise that he can't keep. Thus, he tells her goodbye as well, trying to make himself out as gentlemanly in the process! OUCH. They hug, and she almost angrily says she doesn't understand. Man, does this happen often on this show? No proposal? 'Cause it's rough. Are they not allowed to just date? Because now it just seems like this entire season was pretty much pointless. When he asks her if she knows how much he cares about her, DeAnna says that she doesn't, which is completely fair. This is WAY HARSH, you guys.

Brad walks her back to the limo, and we get a shot of the single remaining rose, lying lonely on the pedestal. DeAnna cries in the limo, and actually says that it's tougher that he didn't pick either one of them. She's really angry, and doesn't understand, since he kept saying she was the perfect person for him. Yeah, that was really uncool. Brad sits alone with the engagement ring, teary-eyed and contemplative, as we fade to black.

Tomorrow night, hopefully Brad gets his ass kicked. Because that would be completely fair. Valuable lesson, boys and girls: Don't lead people on.

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The Bachelor: If you give it up to ALL the girls, it's not special anymore

This week's episode of The Bachelor was a blessed 45 minutes short. Brad takes the remaining three gals to Cabo San Lucas, where they'll be living in sin for the next few days. And seriously? This dude gets more boring with each and every episode. How on Earth are they all falling in love with him? Unless...you don't think the love is fake, do you?

Jenni gets the first date, where they'll be swimming with a dolphin. It's supposed to be cutesy and magical and full of bare chests and bikinis, but really it's kind of sad and embarrassing for the dolphin and full of lifejackets and wet scraggly hair. Afterward, Brad tries to get Jenni to tell him how she's feeling, and she acts unusually coy, saying she's afraid to get too attached or some junk like that. But then they kiss and make it better, of course.

At dinner, Brad flatters Jenni with a bunch of cheesy platitudes ("Thanks for being you!"), which somehow convinces Jenni that she's completely in love and needs to prove it. She tells Brad that it's hard for her to say how she feels, but it's easier for her to show it. And then talks about something special that Brad has in his pocket. (...Or is he just happy to see her?) And he actually tells her to grab it. And she does! What the- oh, it's a "fantasy suite card." Which apparently means that they get to go back to a candlelit bedroom. So...actually pretty much exactly what I was joking about. They show a lot of cuddling and smooching on the bed before Brad gets up and closes the door. (oooOOOOoooo!)

The next morning, after telling us how "incredible" and "amazing" the last night and day with Jenni were, Brad heads out sailing with Bettina and a racing crew. Fun! And, of course, full of shots of Brad shirtless and Bettina in a bikini. Including some oddly zoomed-in shots of Brad's torso. At dinner, Bettina brings up her family's issues with Brad, framing it as concern that he wasn't as into her as she was into him. Riiiiight...that's exactly what the issue was. Nothing at all about owning bars and dropping out of college! He's not really buying it, and asks whether she'd even be willing to move to Austin for him. She agrees immediately, which he appreciates.

However, the dinner conversation is still uncomfortable for him. And so, to lighten things up and bring her to a more "relaxed setting," he drops the fantasy suite card. So...this magical card can be used as a reward when a date is going well, PLUS as a cure for a bad date. Amazing! In the hot tub, Bettina flatters him into a makeout session, and claims in an interview to be falling in love with him. Not buying it, Bettina. Just not buying it.

Last but not least is DeAnna, who gets to race dune buggies with Brad. She gives him more than a run for his money, which he appreciates, to his credit. He says he's been looking forward to that evening since he first met her, and she interviews about how in normal relationships you totally sleep together all the time. ...And what part of this relationship is normal, yo? At dinner with Brad, DeAnna admits that she's falling in love with him. He says "hm" after confirming that she meant it, and kisses her. Aaand hits her with the fantasy suite card. Playa! So wait, he's sleeping with all of them? Seriously? Won't that make him feel guilty about eliminating one of them? Or are they not actually allowed to sleep together? This show is pretty bananas.

On his way to the rose ceremony, Brad perfectly expresses what I can't possibly put into words: "The weather here in Cabo is very fitting, because it's tumultuous, and that's exactly how I feel." Oh, Brad. You're so...deep. He blathers on a bit about heartbreaking decisions and caring for everyone before giving the first rose to Jenni. The next and last rose, after an appropriately dramatic pause, is given to DeAnna, which is possibly the least surprising elimination ever. Yes, now that he's in control of the situation rather than last week, when Bettina and her family were rejecting him, Brad cuts Bettina loose. He tells her that he's not sure he knows who she really is, and she accepts it with a lot more grace and a lot less crying than almost anyone else. Which really almost confirms that she wasn't as invested as everyone else, doesn't it?

Next week: Reunion special! Hillary! Jade! Chad! And then some more family-meeting, and some sort of begging episode. So for those of you who, like me, were hoping we'd have a winner next week, prepare to be very, very disappointed. But also possibly entertained, because reunion specials are kind of awesome.

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Glowy Box Mailbag: It's back, baby!

Welcome back to the Glowy Box Mailbag! For those who don’t remember its brief existence many months ago, the Mailbag is a chance for Glowy Box to give back to you, the readers who randomly stumbled here from Google.

You see, Sitemeter gives us the referral links that brought you to Glowy Box. For Google users, this means we get to see what search term you used that led you to us, creepily enough. And it seems some Google searchers choose to actually type full questions in, instead of just keywords or search terms, as if they’re posing the questions to the Internet at Large. Which I find highly amusing. The Mailbag is all about answering those questions, because I’m nothing if not helpful, and we live to serve here at Glowy Box.

Q: What is up with the Dylan thing on Desperate Housewives

A: What IS up with the Dylan thing?! At first it seemed really important, but now it’s on the sidelines compared to whatever the heck happened in Chicago (another popular question, incidentally). We don’t know much, aside from the vague “a bad thing happened in this room” and “Dylan has no memory” stuff. But that’s not really a good answer, so I’ll start a reckless rumor: Katherine and Aunt Lily sold the real Dylan into white slavery years ago, and the current “Dylan” is an android that Katherine commissioned to deflect suspicion when they moved back to Wisteria Lane. Hence, no memory. (Yeah, I just saw Blade Runner again…what of it?)

Q: who played the earless boy on grey’s anatomy

A: Great question! That kid was all kinds of adorable and charismatic. And it’s a good thing, since trick-or-treating for ears could be seriously weird otherwise. Ryan was played by 10-year-old Dylan Minnette, who has also had parts on Saving Grace and Prison Break.

Q: WHO IS BETTINAS FATHER THE PROFESSOR
Q: why would brad womack pick bettina after her parents treated him so badly

A: Ah, a pair of Bachelor questions. If Google is to be believed, there are a lot of you out there who are curious about Bettina’s dad. According to the Washington Post, Bettina’s father is an architect in DC’s ritzy Georgetown neighborhood. According to Google, he used to be an Assistant Professor at the University of Maryland School of Architecture. And according to me, he’s kind of a jerk. As to why Brad still picked Bettina, I’d say he wanted the relationship to end on his terms, not hers. She and her family essentially rejected him, and his ego just wouldn’t let it go down like that. If you ask me, he’s keeping her around for another week so that he can reject her.

That’s all for this week…keep on Googling!

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The Bachelor: Meet the parents

Tonight on The Bachelor, Brad's off to do home visits--including the Worst Visit Ever! Seriously, it's pretty bad. Also, the Most Awesome Grandma Ever! Seriously, she's pretty awesome.

First up: Wichita, Kansas, Jenni's hometown. Jenni brings Brad to her childhood dance theater, where she shows off her mad dancing skillz. Mostly, it's a lot of wiggling, giggling, and barefoot tap dancing. And what at first looks like some random spazzing around, but may actually be a choreographed routine from her day job as a Phoenix Suns dancer. Rather than revel in the fact that he could be dating a professional cheerleader, Brad wonders if Jenni will be willing to move to Austin for him when her career is in Phoenix, and if their relationship could survive long-distance. Dude. She's a cheerleader. Guys across America are slack-jawed in the face of your lameness right now. Or they would be, if any guys watched The Bachelor.

Jenni introduces Brad to her mother, father, sister, and Grandma Betty, the greatest old lady of all time. They sit down to lunch at her mom's salon, and Grandma Betty, hearing that Brad's in the bar business, wants to know if he's a drinker. He assures her that he's not, and that he's all about family and lots of babies. Grandma Betty: "That little lady ain't gonna be a walkin' baby factory." HA! Darn straight, Grandma. Darn straight. Brad starts to sweat a little as she shakes her finger at him and warns him to treat Jenni right. Sadly tearing Brad away from all the hilarity, Jenni's mom gives him a shampoo, and interrogates him about the bar business. Actually, she asks him the same thing I've been wondering all season: What kind of guy can't find a girl when he owns four bars? He parries admirably, if unconvincingly. Jenni confesses to her sister that she's falling in love with Brad. After ensuring that Brad has goals in life (um, he's already a millionaire), Jenni's father approves heartily. Overall, the visit seems to go really well.

Next, it's off to Walnut Creek, California to meet Sheena's family. Ah, Sheena. The X-factor. The underdog. The dark horse. The least unlikeable girl left, solely based on the fact that she's had the least screentime. Her parents arrive in their boat, and the four of them spend the day on the water. It looks like a lot of fun, although Sheena's mom is totally a better dating show contestant than Sheena. But mostly in that she comes off as crazily entertaining. She's into astrology, and gets a bit too excited about the fact that Brad and Sheena's dad are a lot alike, and also both Scorpios. Then, she goes off on a tangent about how once she was sitting in a jacuzzi under the big dipper, realizing that Sheena was "the one." Now, she's not clear whether Sheena is HIS one, or someone else's, but she knows that Sheena's "the one."

Then she moves on to how she couldn't take her eyes off of Brad and Sheena's eyes, and how the stars are aligning, and Brad starts to look like a trapped animal. When she starts to hammer the fact that Sheena is ready to commit, and be "one man's everything," Brad looks like he's leaving his body a little as he tries to agree with Sheena's mom. Man, Sheena is gonna KILL her mom when she sees this! In fact, she's halfway there when she walks in and her mom starts planning the wedding, right in front of Brad and Sheena! Dude, is she two sheets to the wind or something? Or is she really this lacking in common sense? And OUCH. In the jacuzzi later, Brad tells Sheena that meeting her mom was a great way to see how Sheena got to be who she is. Now that was just plain uncalled for!

And now we're off to Canton, Georgia, DeAnna's hometown. Brad meets her father, brother, sister, and stepmother, who totally knock it out of the park for DeAnna. Her father tells Brad that he can tell DeAnna really has feelings for him, talks about how great she is, and pitches him a softball question about marriage. DeAnna busts out a photo album with pictures of her dead mother (sad, and well-played), and she and her sister chat about how crushed DeAnna will be if Brad doesn't pick her. Well, DeAnna, I'd say you've got a pretty good shot. DeAnna's entire extended family shows up for a big fat Greek party, and it's totally awesome. Opa!s all around.

Finally, Brad heads to Washington, DC (woot!), where he will meet Bettina's family. Bettina is convinced that her parents will love Brad, which even if I hadn't seen the previews would be a total giveaway that they will completely hate Brad. At Bettina's Dad's house, Brad meets Bettina's dad, stepmom, mom, and sister. The interrogation begins, and it quickly comes out that Brad is a college dropout. (Or, as he puts it, he "left early.") Aaaand it just as quickly comes out that Bettina's dad is a professor. Perfect! He interviews that it's a disappointment that Brad isn't better educated. Brad, mistakenly going for humor this time when he says he's in the bar business, calls it "family friendly." Oh, Brad. That's a rookie mistake, and you just hate to see it at this point in the game. After an awkward silence, they all head outside to eat. The stepmom interviews that she's unhappy to think of her stepdaughter "hooked up with a guy who runs a bunch of bars."

At the table, Brad unsuccessfully tries to defend his career, and interviews that he feels judged. Probably because he IS being judged. Because judging, in both directions, is the point of these visits. Duh. Bettina's father interviews that Bettina's first husband was the greatest guy evah. Oof. He expresses his concerns about Brad's business, location, and education to Bettina while Brad faces the lethal mom/stepmom combo. They warn him against stringing Bettina along, Brad interviews that they didn't take him seriously, "much less the whole concept of [brief pause] falling in love!" I totally think he meant to say, "much less the whole concept of this reality show," but then realized it sounded ridiculous. They ditch him to take the dog outside, and Brad and Bettina enjoy an evening conversation on the national mall, which from the size of her dad's house is nowhere near where they were earlier in the day.

Bettina lays out her family's concerns about Brad, and then tells him that because they question the match, she feels like she should question it, too. Brad doesn't take it well, and says he's "intelligent enough not to judge anybody." Bettina says that she doesn't "look that great on paper either," which, wow. Bad choice of words. He gets upset, saying that he's worked really hard, doesn't like being questioned personally, and feels blindsided. In short, Bettina just cemented the damage her family did earlier.

At the rose ceremony, Brad gives the first rose to DeAnna, followed by Jenni. Unbelievably, Bettina gets the final rose, leaving Sheena out in the cold. Wow. I just- wow. And here I thought Bettina was maybe even throwing the competition with her whole "good on paper" thing! To be fair, though, Sheena has really been coasting along on Chad's recommendation this whole time. Sheena cries and seems really upset, which actually surprises me a little. It didn't seem like she cared that much, which is probably part of the problem. Brad interviews that he sent her home because the feelings and chemistry weren't there, though I suspect it also had a little something to do with her mother. Because, yikes.

Next week: Shirtless bachelor action in Cabo. And also some stuff about feelings. And overnight dates.

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The Bachelor: Yikes.

Tonight on The Bachelor, we had gondolas, pool parties, romantic dinners, blah, blah, blah. It was all pretty boring, up until The Most Dramatic Exit Ever. Which, while I could imagine many more dramatic exits, was pretty freaking crazy. Brad must have some serious in-person magnetism to get these chicks acting this way around him, that's all I have to say.

To start us off, Chris informs the bachelorettes that this week is HUGE, because the four women who don't go home tonight will get to take Brad home to meet their families. Also, there are no roses up for grabs on the dates. Bettina scores the first date, a "romantic" one-on-one on the water. Wait, how do these girls recognize a random straw hat in the date box as a "gondola hat"? Is that even a real thing? (Google says yes. My bad.)

Bettina interviews that it's tough for her to let loose and have fun, because she was brought up to think that girls should play hard to get. She and Brad settle down for a candlelit picnic on a dock, where they discuss Bettina's divorce before taking a gondola ride. The kissing doesn't really work out like Brad would've liked, but he seems cool with it. All in all, I give this date a three out of ten. Pretty boring stuff.

The next group date, with much more potential for entertainment, is with Jenni, Hillary, DeAnna, and Kristy. They'll be headed to Brad's house for a pool party, so there's basically no way this won't be hilarious. Kristy claims to not be a "pool person," which...what the heck kind of person ARE you, Kristy? You weren't an improv person, either. I feel like Kristy's just not a fun person. I mean, at least pretend to make an effort. It's a freakin' slip 'n slide! Who can't have fun with that?!

Hillary has been driven mad by Brad's shirtless torso, and gives an interview about how she wants him to "ravish" her (which I kind of thought only pirates in romance novels did), apparently going into the gory details enough that they have to bleep and blur out everything she says. For a while. It's odd. Hillary chats with Brad about how much she's into him, and how he reminds her of her dad. Weirdish? She asks him what he thinks about her, and he lets loose with the compliments. However, he interviews that he's not really feeling it romantically with her. Hillary interviews that she "can just tell by his eyes and the way he looks at [her] that he feels that there's chemistry between [them.]" Someone's in for a nasty surprise (as anyone who saw the previews for tonight's episode already knows).

Brad pulls DeAnna aside for some one-on-one time, but doesn't pull her far enough. That's right, several of the other girls are just hanging out within eyesight, daring him to kiss DeAnna in front of them. And Brad just isn't man enough to do it. (Or, more accurately, he's too gentlemanly to do it.) He's pretty bummed, but learns from his mistakes when he takes Jenni out of eyesight for their one-on-one time. They spend it all making out in a hammock. Hillary is crazy jealous. And I do mean crazy jealous. I have to quote here: "He could be my best friend, but he could also be my lover, and he could be my husband...and Jenni's going off making out with him on the beach, and I'm sitting there like wondering what the [bleep]'s going on, like why isn't that not me?" Oh, Hillary. Why isn't that not you?

Sheena, the lucky recipient of another one-on-one date, gets a mysterious date box about treasures. And torsos. And evening gloves. Hrm. Brad basically admits in an interview that Sheena's mostly still there because Chad, his twin, loved her. Aaand...Brad's a generous brother and has some sort of swinging arrangement with Chad and his wife? No? The evening of surprises begins with a selection of six gowns for Sheena to choose from. For Brad, "this is about as romantic as it gets." Hilarious enough that glorified dress shopping is romantic, right? But then, cue Sheena coming down the stairs in her chosen gown, and then totally face planting on the stairs. HA!

She's okay, and Brad escorts her into an outdoor dining room filled with balloons. Yeah. How are those not randomly popping every few minutes and ruining their audio? The next surprise is better: a nice pair of diamond earrings to match their nice conversation. He seems really happy around her, and comfortable, though I don't sense fireworks yet. But ABC isn't above forcing fireworks, and Brad escorts Sheena over to the pool, where a string quartet is playing for them to dance and kiss to. I'm assuming that if that didn't work, the next stop on the date o' surprises would've been a giant rotating bed with Barry White on the stereo. Upon Sheena's return, the other women don't even bother to hide their jealousy, especially Bettina.

At the cocktail party, Sheena recites a poem she wrote for Brad during their one-on-one. It rhymes, and is a magical cute/stalker combo where she runs through his distinctive physical traits (she'd easily be able to identify his body if he ever wound up headless in the morgue) and the way he makes her feel. Opening couplet: "I love your laugh, your smiles, your touch, and the moles that run up your arm / The patch of blonde hair on your ear, your goals, and most of all, your charm." He's speechless. But inexplicably in a good way.

In his one-on-one with DeAnna, Brad seems pretty enthused with her, and they kiss. She can't stop smiling, which actually makes me like her a little. Meanwhile, Jenni confronts Bettina about her lack of enthusiasm for the gondola date once she saw what Sheena's date was like (and, presumably, the earrings and dress Sheena got). Bettina says Jenni misunderstood her, in that she was joking around when she said her date sucked compared to Sheena's, and meant it sarcastically. Riiight. I mean, maybe she said it jokingly, but that definitely wasn't sarcasm. And Jenni's not buying it. Brad, during his one-on-one with Bettina, says that he thinks the date was perfect, and she agrees, secretly thinking it would have been more perfect with the addition of diamond earrings. She claims she wanted to get physical with him at the end of the date, though I didn't really see that come across.

And now, the precursor to the moment we've all been waiting for: Brad's one-on-one talk with Hillary, in which he intends to break the "just friends" news. He asks us, "How can I relate that to someone who won't listen to a word I'm saying?" She looks like a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown during the entire conversation, ready to either scream with elation or with sorrow. Elation wins the day when he breaks it a bit too gently, and she comes back with a "Yeah, we totally feel the same way, in that I want to marry you tomorrow and have tons of sex and babies" answer. She walks away smiling. And talking about how she hopes her white dress reminds him of how pretty she'd look in a wedding dress. Oh. My. God. How has she seemed at all normal all this time?

Rose Ceremony! DeAnna, Jenni, Sheena, and Bettina get roses. Hillary tries not to lose it in front of everyone, as Jenni tries to comfort her. Kristy accepts the inevitable. How did she even make it this far? And now, the much ballyhooed Most Dramatic Exit Ever. First, there is soft crying. Then, a minor panic attack in which she can't breathe. Then, mascara-smeared outrage and actual weeping. Brad finally goes out to comfort her, and she asks him why he's sending her home. He tells her he's too scared to meet her family and then have to decide that they're just friends. Hillary is too far gone to even realize that doesn't really make sense. She just looks up at him with her red, raccoony eyes (this show is just crying - get it? - for a waterproof mascara sponsorship) and sobs about how much she was falling in love with him. He's really nice, and does a good job hiding his disgust. In the closing interview, she just keeps crying and sniffling about the injustice of it all. Yeesh.

Next week: Brad visits the hometowns and families, including Sheena's crazy mother and Bettina's rightfully disapproving folks.

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The Bachelor: Stop embarrassing yourselves! He's not worth it!

Tonight on The Bachelor, evil triumphs over evil, there's a distinct lack of the Most Shocking ____ Ever, and several catfights almost, but don't quite, materialize. Sigh. There will be three dates: a "very special" one-on-one date, a group date, and a threesome from which only one bachelorette will make it out alive. Jenni gets the one-on-one date, and is very excited. In fact, she's apparently been looking forward to this "all [her] life." That sounds like a really sad life. The usual jealousy and trash-talking ensues, and several girls jealously points out Jenni and Brad's physical chemistry. Hillary is actually super-upset, and is starting to seem like a crazy person. Dating shows are no place for people with jealous streaks.

The one-on-one date is a helicopter ride, which Jenni calls "the most amazing thing [she's] ever done" (again, a little sad). It takes them to a romantic rooftop dinner. The date goes really well, and Jenni gets a rose and a makeout session. She interviews that it feels like he's her boyfriend now, and he's cheating on her with all the other girls. A popular sentiment tonight, incidentally.

McCarten is freaking crazy, you guys. She flips out at people who won't answer her questions, and acts really condescending toward the other girls. DeAnna, for her part, is also the pushy type, and gets into a fight with Jade over why Jade doesn't express her opinion about things. Um, maybe because DeAnna and McCarten are more likely than not to go running to Brad with every little comment everyone makes?

The next date box arrives, and everyone but Jade and DeAnna will be headed on a group date involving a show of some sort. Jade is less than thrilled to be competing with DeAnna, whom she thinks isn't a good person. Wow, I actually dislike both of them, so this is pretty much win-win for me! They all head out to a comedy club in a double-decker bus, for some reason, and find out that they'll be performing at the improv club. Um, nightmare much? God, I hate that stuff. Like, SO much. "If you feel stupid while you're doing it, you're doing it right," according to one of the instructors. How on earth could that be a description of something fun?!

Aaaanyway, Hillary's great at it, Bettina is a bit cringy but does her best, and Kristy just isn't having it. Also, she really, really has a mustache. To the point where it's distracting me from the tearful conversation with Brad discussing how upset she is with her performance. Bettina gets the rose for trying hard even though improv isn't her thing, which really sucks for Hillary, since she was by far the best. But, I guess it's not a talent competition, so...

DeAnna and Jade get their date box. Jade is confident that Brad will see through DeAnna's "fakeness," but I think she's deluding herself a bit, since DeAnna has been one of his favorites since the beginning. They're having a romantic rooftop dinner (I guess Brad's a fan of these?), and with Jade and DeAnna sitting on opposite ends of the table and Brad in the middle, he kind of seems like a spectator at a tennis match. They're reeeally competitive ("As soon as I turned sixteen I started working-" "I started working when I was fourteen."), and DeAnna basically just does her best to fill every moment of dead air in the conversation. Jade and DeAnna both do well in the one-on-one time, but DeAnna comes out on top and gets the rose, predictably. I can't say I'm sorry to see Jade go, though she's gotten a more sympathetic edit in tonight's episode. Brad and DeAnna end the night making out in a rooftop hot tub, and I vomit a little in my mouth.

Back at the mansion, Bettina gives the girls a little chat about marriage, and building a relationship. Rather than listen to her point (you can't rush a lifetime commitment), the girls choose to focus on the revelation that she's been married before. In an interview, Hillary actually compares her to a used car. Right...because I'm sure your tires have never been kicked, Hillary. Or however that crazy metaphor of yours went.

In the pre-ceremony one-on-ones, Kristy doesn't do that well (Brad thinks she may be "too refined" for him) and Sheena reminds us that she's still on the show. Then, awkwardness. Kristy, Bettina, DeAnna, and McCarten ask Brad, taking turns to say each word of the question, who his first kiss was on the show. No one is happy to hear it was Jenni, and Bettina interviews that Jenni sees the show as a competition, and not a way to find love. Bettina half-jokes with the girls that she knew Jenni was the sluttiest one (since beach day was just the first date), and when DeAnna mentions that Jenni had claimed her first kiss was the one-on-one, Bettina less-jokingly calls her a "slut and liar." That was less cool than in the promo, but still kind of awesome. Hillary, whose new nickname is "Sloppy Seconds," says that she doesn't care who he kisses as long as she's the last one he kisses. Actually, let's change "Sloppy Seconds" to "Black Widow"...that had an ominous ring to it.

While the girls confront Jenni about the kiss, they quickly move on to more interesting attack angles. DeAnna asks her who she thought would be eliminated from the threesome date, and when she says that she hoped Jade would be eliminated because she thought he and DeAnna had more chemistry, Bettina passive-aggressively asks her if she wants Brad to be happy, and if so, why she'd want him to come back from the date with someone he has less of a connection with. Um, as Jenni says, because she wants Brad to be happy with HER. Bettina acts all shocked that Jenni sees it as a game, and not a relationship. Um, I'm pretty sure that you don't pray your dude will come home with a chick he loves in a real relationship, Bettina...I don't know how your marriage worked. (Or didn't work, as the case may be. Zing!)

McCarten has a tearful one-on-one with Brad in which she tries to explain her standoffishness with the old "I've been hurt in the past and am too afraid to open up" chestnut. She also slips in a subtle dig at the other girls and their competitiveness, which I thought was McCarten just being passive aggressive, until she had an even more tearful interview about how she hates that she has to share Brad, and she's not even sure if she wants a rose.

At the rose ceremony, Kristy is first to get a rose (really?), followed by Sheena and Hillary (no big surprise there). Stephy has a good-natured exit interview, while McCarten's is a bit more snotty. Literally. Oh, McCarten. You totally sucked. But I'll kind of miss the drama you created.

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The Bachelor: Double vision...sort of.

Tonight on The Bachelor, we had fifteen minutes of "identical" twin-related hilarity, surrounded by an hour and fifteen minutes of filler. An hour and a half, ABC, really? Are you just too cheap to find a third show for Monday nights?

Apparently, this week we'll have two group dates and one individual date. For those of you who, like me, are new to the show this season (I find that the eleventh season is a fantastic time to start watching a show), each date will have a rose up for grabs. If you don't get a rose on the individual date, you're immediately eliminated. The first "date box" is circus-themed, and the daters will be Stephy, McCarten, Jenni, Lindsey, Sarah, and DeAnna.

Brad tells the daters on the way over that he expects them to participate in the circus stuff, which, combined with the fact that the date showcases a company that participates in some pretty well-documented animal cruelty, makes it my nightmare date. I am really, really not on board with this giant circus advertisement, so we're going to speed right through it. Tightropes, giant balls (heh), clowns, juggling, and crazy awesome tumbling by Jenni ensue. In the solo time, Brad and Jenni hit it off, Stephy confesses that she's been single for five years, and McCarten continues to annoy me. Oh, and then the girls are IN THE CIRCUS. Um, Worst. Date. Ever. I can't believe they're excited about this! ...Or am I the only one here who really hates clowns? (And people who hit elephants with big metal hooks?) These girls just seem to be soaking up the limelight, though, so whatever. Brad ends up giving Stephy the rose as a reward for putting herself out there, which I completely didn't see coming. (Single for five years!)

Back at the mansion, Hillary gets a fancy dress and a trolley in the date box for her solo date, while the other girls make zero effort to pretend to be excited for her. Brad, though, is very excited--he says she's the one girl who keeps him laughing. She has to meet him in front of all the other girls, which is SO AWKWARD. And even more so when he presents her with $1 million worth of jewelry to wear for the night. They fly to San Francisco for a private dinner, where Hillary gets all teary about the possibility of finding love, throwing Brad for a loop and ruining her makeup. It's...intense. And awkward. Let's just call it "intensely awkward." He gives her the rose, and though he says he thinks her red eyes and smeared mascara are beautiful because she showed her emotions, I'm going to go ahead and chalk that one up to Brad being a gentleman who couldn't send a crying girl home. Because that was a complete train wreck of a date. They head over to the Ghiradelli chocolate factory to eat and smooch away their sorrows.

As the girls eat dinner at the mansion, McCarten and DeAnna are pretty honest about not wanting to see Hillary make it back from the date. Fair enough, I guess. McCarten is pretty witchy about it, but it is a competition, so I suspect that everyone feels the same way but just isn't being as loud about it. The next day, however, it causes some definite tension when they are equally honest about their wish for Hillary's elimination right to Hillary's face (though she did ask for it).

The rest of the women get their date box: Kristy, Sheena, Jade, Bettina, and Solisa will be going sailing. The boat is gorgeous, and seems, oh, about a million times better than the circus. Kristy, getting a boat-steering lesson from Brad, interviews that he's only seen her serious side. And she's right, if by "serious side" she means "crazy tongue-diagnosing side." Solisa, for her part, makes up for her lack of bikini to rip off this week by giving Brad a lap dance. Sheena rocks a jet ski, but gets too competitive in her effort to show off, cutting Brad's jet ski off and getting in trouble with the coast guard. Probably not the best move, as she later realizes. Bettina goes the smarter route, riding on the jet ski with Brad. Later, in their one on one time, Brad goes out of his way to tell her how great she is, which makes it all the more uncomfortable when she tells him that she's been divorced. He's shocked, and ends up giving Kristy the rose.

And now, finally, we get to the much-hyped Most Shocking Cocktail Party EVER, in which Brad and his not-at-all-identical twin brother Chad (Brad and Chad? Seriously? So I don't even have to make up a funny rhyming nickname, like Schmad?) pull a Parent Trap-style switcheroo, to hilaaarious effect. Brad thinks that the girls who are attracted to him as a person will be able to tell the difference, which would almost kind of make sense, if Brad and Chad were actually identical. I'm going to call this more of a vision test. In the next step, they'll have to look at pictures of Brad and Chad while Chris asks them "Which is better? Number one, or number two?" Chad heads into the mansion to meet the bachelorettes while Brad watches on a monitor in his limo.

McCarten is the first victim, and she totally doesn't catch on to the fact that he's not Brad. In fact, she gives a hysterical (in the context) speech about how it's important to be herself, so that what he sees is really her. He laughs at her a little (HA), and then goes to meet with Lindsey, who is also completely fooled. The next victim is Sheena, who isn't buying it at all, which just goes to show that you don't need a lot of solo time with Brad to be able to tell that this dude isn't him. Way to go, Sheena! She clearly just saved her butt. Kristy also calls it right off the bat, as does Bettina. Stephy and DeAnna figure it out as well, and Sarah says he seems different and more laid-back, but doesn't realize it's not Brad. Interestingly, she doesn't think their solo time went as well as usual, which indicates to me that she actually does have chemistry with Brad himself.

Best moment ever: Chris reveals Chad's existence, sending the women into various fits of disbelief, glee, dismay, and mustache (in Kristy's case). I hope that seeing those two completely non-identical twins standing next to each other makes the losers who didn't guess it even more embarrassed. McCarten. Although Chad earns my emnity during deliberation by saying that Brad shouldn't hold it against her, because "she would've figured it out" given more time. FALSE, you guys. She had no clue, and only noticed that something was at all wrong when he laughed at her.

In the rose ceremony, Brad gives roses to Sheena, McCarten (WHAT?!?! You suck, Brad.) Jenni, Jade (Boo!), DeAnna, and Bettina. So Sarah gets the boot instead of McCarten? Even though she actually noticed that something was different about him? Whatever. Solisa's goodbye speech is all about how Brad saw the "special parts" of her, because she "wear[s] those parts on the outside," but "those special parts weren't parts that he was looking for, unfortunately." Wow. I can't even make that funnier than it already is, given that she's run around topless, let him do a body shot off of her, and given him a lap dance in the past two episodes. "Special parts," indeed! Lindsey gives the typical "I'm not going to cry [walks off camera crying]" speech, and reveals herself to be way more invested in Brad than she ever showed. Maybe those giant eyelashes were interfering with her vision when she was talking to Chad.

Next week: Improv, catfights, and hopefully Jade's last appearance on this show.

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The Bachelor: It's not the fall that kills you

Tonight's Bachelor proved that assertiveness pays off, while falling down the stairs does not. It was also chock full passive aggression, actual aggression, and fake boobs in bikinis. Also giant hats. So really, something for everyone.

There are two group dates this week, each with a rose up for grabs. And apparently, these dates are revealed in "date boxes," which contain crazy date-related items as well as the names of the women going. The first date box contains a leather riding crop, a toy, and some intriguing fashion accessories. Yeah, not as interesting as it sounds. It's a day at the races (how old school!), and Karen, McCarten, Kristy, Mallory, Hillary, Jade, and DeAnna will be attending. In giant hats, to boot. Brad gives all the women cash with which to bet, hoping it will tell him something about their personalities. I'd probably keep all but, like, $1 of the cash. Which probably does say something about me.

The next date box contains beach stuff. Solisa claims that it's a "way better date" than the racetrack one, and while at first I'm inclined to chalk it up to sour grapes, I concede her the point when she mentions bikinis. With those gazongas, any bikini time is a good thing for her. Plus, she'll never drown! (And I'll never get sick of that joke.) But amidst the jubilation, tragedy strikes! Michele injures herself falling on the stairs in the mansion, and needs to be carried out on a stretcher by EMTs, with her neck stabilized. Yikes. The girls try not to act too excited by the potential loss of a competitor.

Back at the races, Hillary and Brad are really hitting it off. And the rest of the girls, watching them with binoculars from the stands, are totally jealous. But quickly distracted by a celebrity visitor--Shaun Phillips, who is apparently a linebacker for the Chargers. I don't believe for a second that all those girls really recognized him. The party mood is ruined when Michele calls Brad to inform him of her fall down the stairs. As he tells the girls of Michele's accident, and that she has a mild concussion, their expressions range from barely-restrained glee to completely unrestrained glee.

McCarten even manages, right after Brad delivers the news, to passive-aggressively question the fact that Michele managed to call him, even with a (supposed) concussion. In an interview, her initial reaction is to ask how Michele even got his phone number. Wow. I just- wow. I mean, setting aside the fact that obviously the producers got that number into Michelle's hot little injured hand as quickly as humanly possible, are these chicks even human? Dang. McCarten uses the stunned silence to press Brad for some one-on-one time. Brad's not into it the conversation with her, and he trashes the kiss they shared in an interview. HA! I kind of like Brad. Also? McCarten sucks.

DeAnna and Brad, on the other hand, definitely hit it off during their one-on-one time, and she gets the rose. Suck it, McCarten! As they try and share some quality time and possibly a little smooching, the daters who didn't get roses intentionally bust in on them. Tacky! Jade is the ringleader, but Hillary is also pretty upset she didn't get the rose.

Michele is too injured to go to the beach, but Brad visits her before he leaves on the date. He's really sweet about it, and finds her toughness attractive. I guess Sheena's interview about "one down" was a bit premature, eh? Out on the beach, the girls pretty much forcibly strip Brad of his shirt. Not that I'm complaining. Because I'm really, really not. Jade decides that the girls on the racetrack date were the "classy" ones of the bunch, and the shots (and I mean that literally) of the beach date don't necessarily prove her wrong. Sarah is the first girl to steal Brad away for solo time, and it goes pretty well. In an image that will be forever burned into my mind, Solisa has Brad do a body shot off of her. And then talks about all her Christian morals and values. Brad's brain almost explodes with the hypocrisy of it all. Jenni and Brad make out a little during their one-on-one time--he seems really into her, more so than any of the other girls we've seen him with. At the house, Hillary and Jade sneak into Jenni's belongings to find her modeling portfolio, which they think proves that she's just on the show to further her career.

In the end, though, Sarah gets the rose out of all the "beach babes." Jenni's pretty upset, but I bet he just didn't want to give her two in a row. The roseless women realize that they may need to be a bit more aggressive in the future, right after they relax with some champagne in a hot tub with Brad. And then run around topless (in the dark) on the beach, in Solisa's case. It's weird. She puts her top back on and runs back up, but Brad doesn't seem that into it, much as he tries to be nice.

Back at the mansion, it's time for the rose ceremony after some additional one-on-one time. Brad sits down with Michele first. You know, just to be fair. She interviews that she felt rushed, and makes it pretty obvious as she tries to tell him all her hopes and dreams in one breath, without allowing him to interject. Still gonna say he won't kick off the injured girl, though. Bettina, for her part, has a bit of a confession for Brad: she's been divorced. She doesn't actually make the confession, mind you--she totally wusses out. Mallory, for her part, comes off as a little stupid, and a lot obnoxious. Meanwhile, Jade and Hillary gripe about Jenni's portfolio behind her back, and she overhears them. She's understandably upset, and actually seems like a sweet girl. Jade, of course, tattles to Brad in a vague "I don't want to name names" way. He interviews that he's now trying his best to figure out who's really there for him, and who's just there to have a good time.

At the rose ceremony, Kristy, Bettina, Hillary, Stephy, Sheena, McCarten (BOO!), Jenni, Lindsey (in a lovely dress), Jade (BOO!), and Solisa (seriously?!) all get roses. Is this like Top Model, where the order means something, or is it random? Anyway, this leaves Erin, Mallory, and Michele out in the cold. Wow, ouch. You'd think Michele would at least get a pity rose.

Next week, the girls go to the circus, and Hillary gets a little emotional. Oh, and of course, we have The Most Shocking Cocktail Party Ever, where Brad sends his not-so-identical twin in to sub for him.

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The Bachelor: Meet, greet, and try not to drink too heavily

This fall, I'm absurdly psyched to be recapping the eight zillionth season of The Bachelor, which my friends assure me is the progenitor of the completely hysterical Age of Love. (Believe it or not, I'm a Bachelor virgin!) ABC's intro sums up how tired this show is far better than I ever could: "After 956 roses, 620 limos, 355 crying girls, 19 crying men, 167 hot tubs, $35 million in diamonds, 719 kisses, 2 gun-toting dads, 8 proposals, 1 marriage, and 1 happy and healthy baby boy named Max, the show is better, and sexier, than ever." Um, right. Not buying it, ABC.

Our bachelor this season is Brad Womack, a 34-year-old businessman from Austin, Texas. They say he's the hottest bachelor yet, but I'm unconvinced. Can any regular viewers weigh in on that? Brad, as you may have read, is quite the catch. He co-owns four bars with his brothers (one of whom is an identical twin). Yes, co-owns. Yes, four. Yes, bars. Um, score? He's "here to find true love" (yawn). We get his whole life story (literally), interspersed with video of him jogging shirtless. Which I can't really complain about.

We head over to the girls' hotel, where we get shots of the contestants working out, jumping on furniture, showering, choosing outfits, and interviewing about their sad, desperate love lives and how much they want him to fall in love with them. So far I'm going to give this show an '8' for depressing, and only a '6' for hilarious. Pick up the pace, ladies! As they meet each other and head off to meet Brad, we see interviews of them discussing their various strategies. "Talk Greek to him" isn't quite a surefire winner. But "not cry, and not get drunk" could at least get you through the opening rounds, I'd imagine.

And now, it's time to meet our "sexiest bachelor ever!" Chris Harrison, the host, sits him down for a little chat. After an uncomfortable amount of pushing, Brad admits he's a millionaire (those must be some bars), emphasizing that he worked for every penny. He says that his brothers are supportive because they've seen some of the success stories from previous Bachelor seasons, which confuses me a bit. According to Wikipedia, only two of the ten previous bachelors are still with the show's winners. That's not a real great record, Brad's brothers. Chris acknowledges up front that some of the contestants are crazy, which shows what I think is an impressive commitment to the truth for a reality show. Brad, rather than running for the hills, confirms that he's optimistic about finding his future bride here.

The girls arrive and meet Brad, limo by limo, at the Malibu mansion. He greets them all with a mildly salacious "How are you?" After they're all in the mansion, he tells Chris that he can't believe his wife may be in there. I'm fairly certain he means that in a good way, but the girls seemed so overly made-up and fake that I could kind of believe the flip meaning, too. Chris instructs Brad to give one girl a "first impression" rose, which will keep her safe from elimination, once he gets inside the party.

Inside the mansion, the girls pee themselves over Brad's babe-itude and treat him like a hot chick walking through a construction site. Um, if they were the construction workers. And they were guys. Shut up, you know what I mean. There are wolf whistles and many, many "woo-hoo's." He revels in the attention, and all the girls try to get one-on-one time with him. Apparently, these sorts of parties aren't very fun if you're stuck in a corner sipping champagne with a bunch of other jealous chicks. Who knew?

The women who managed to not painfully embarrass themselves at the party are: DeAnna, 25, a realtor. Brad likes that she bartends on the side, and is southern. Lindsey, 25, a model. She cleverly gives him a rose, which is pretty funny. But then she ruins the moment by singing terribly about a yellow rose in Texas. Mallory, 24, a nanny. She puts on a bikini and hops in the pool, genius-style. The giant, um, flotation devices on her chest convince Brad that it's safe to join her poolside, although she isn't able to lure him into the water with her. Jenni, 27, a Phoenix Suns dancer. She does that thing where you laughs hysterically at everything your crush says, which he appreciates. Oh, and she also dances for him, which...doesn't hurt. At all. In fact, it gets her the first impression rose.

The women who weren't quite so lucky are: Jessica, 27, a news anchor. When she meets him, she says, "They told me you were hot, but I didn't know you were a fire extinguisher!" Which makes absolutely no sense, when you think about it. At the party, she busts in to "interview" Brad as he's talking to Erin and Hilary. Juli, 24, a law student. She puts her legs behind her head for him. Um, wow. Kristy, 29, an acupuncturist. She diagnoses him as stressed out after looking at his tongue. Melissa, 28, an event planner. She gets drunk, loses one of her boob inserts, and rambles on about "sweetness" in front of him. Morgan, 24, a grad student. She shows him her webbed toes in an attempt to get the first impression rose. It's amazing. He can't even get through describing it without cracking up, which makes me like him a little. Tauni, 31, an ER nurse. She sticks her butt in his face. Seriously. There's really not much more to it than that.

And now, we've got our first rose ceremony. Hilariously, there's a special "deliberation room," complete with framed photos of all the women. He's so measured in his comments, though, that we don't really get any dirt from the so-called deliberations. LAME! Brad tells the girls that this is the toughest decision he's ever faced in his life. Really, Brad? Tougher than the decision to go on this crazy show?

Those receiving roses are Jade (24, boutique sales), Bettina (27, realtor/surfer girl), McCarten (26, account manager), Hilary (27, registered nurse), DeAnna, Michele (30, realtor), Sheena (23, internet marketing), Estefania/"Stefi" (26, executive assistant), Erin (25, publishing sales), Solisa (25, esthetician), Lindsey, Sarah (23, bar manager), Mallory (much to the other contestants' dismay), and Kristy the tongue whisperer.

This leaves the remaining contestants out in the cold, including several we barely even met: Kim, 31, a very tall realtor. Lori, 33, a biology teacher whose strategy not to cry or get drunk goes out the window as soon as she gets the boot (well, the first half, at least...I'm assuming the drunkenness will occur soon enough). Natalie, 25, a law student. Rigina, 31, an account representative who introduced herself as "Miss Brown Sugar." And finally, Susan, 35, a project analyst. Farewell, desperados. We hardly knew ye.

This season on The Bachelor: Nudity, extreme sports, extreme catfights, and identical twins!

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