Last week on Age of Love, Jayanna was tragically and unfairly eliminated, and Maria was outed as being totally crazy. This week, we begin with a quote from George Bernard Shaw (whom NBC helpfully identifies as a playwright): "We don't stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing." Really? And all this time I thought it was because of the free radicals. Back at the apartment, Jen is pretty broken up that Jayanna's gone. You and me both, Jen. You and me both.
But wait! Jayanna doesn't just live on in Jen's memory--she lives on in a totally harsh video message to the remaining contestants, in which she completely trashes Amanda! Who is watching it along with everyone else! Awesome! Sample quote: "It doesn't matter how down and dirty and nasty and backstabbing she has to be--Amanda is that desperate for a man." Hahahahahaha!!! Sad truth: as pointed out by you guys in the comments, Mark clearly likes Amanda enough to boot anyone she complains to him about, so in the end, I don't think karma's gonna get her as badly as Jen hopes.
Mark picks Maria and Amanda to go salsa dancing with him on the first date of the episode. In an interview clearly filmed prior to the Great Truth or Dare Freakout of '07, Mark says that Maria's great because she's easygoing and doesn't stress about things. Riiight. Mark, it seems, doesn't really know how to salsa. The girls don't have to know how, because they get put in such stripper-licious outfits that no one will be watching them dance anyway. Maria looks like a slutty baby doll, and Amanda looks like a slutty...slut. Magenta and black bra with crazy amounts of fringe, miniskirt, disgusting. Mark picks Maria for the first dance, and Amanda not-so-secretly hopes she'll break a hip. Maria does, in fact, go crazy with the hip action. Between her craziness and his immobility, it looks nothing like salsa.
Amanda is a bit more chill on the dance floor, and has to keep tugging her skirt down to hide her butt cheeks. Mark notes that Maria was way more sweaty and tired by the end of the dance, but I think that has more to do with her spastic dancing style than her age. Maria puts Mark on the spot and asks him if he has anything to say to her or Amanda. It's uncomfortable, and kind of a turn-off for Mark.
The next day, Megan and Mark head off to have high tea. Megan's definition of high tea: "It's a really good...tea." (Megan reading signs in the limousine: "'Par...tition?' What's a 'partition'?") Mark thinks she's really funny, but I don't think he's laughing with her, if you know what I mean. She is also unfamiliar with the concept of sugar cubes (or "spongy things"), and generally uncomfortable with the idea of a tea date. Fair enough, Megan--it looks really fussy to me.
That night, Jen gets summoned to a giant, lit-up, Cinderella-style carriage, where Mark is waiting to whisk her off on a romantic date. Possibly involving a Disneyland parade, from the looks of it. Mark chose her for the "incredible" date, because he wanted to "save the best for last." Suck it, Amanda! The horsedrawn carriage looks seriously goofy rolling along the streets and highway overpasses of LA. For reals. After the carriage ride, Mark and Jen go swimming, and then cuddle and make out next to the pool. Back at Mark's apartment, more making out, plus tasty snacks. At about 2 AM, we switch to the grainy surveillance cam in Mark's bedroom, which goes dark when they turn out the lights (right as she's about to "give him a massage"). However, we still get great audio, which is...gross. Half an hour later, Jen heads back to her apartment, very much into Mark. They both agree that it was an amazing night. I'm guessing her son, who is Mark's age, wouldn't agree. I'm also hoping he didn't watch this on TV. CREEPY.
The next morning, everyone's super-jealous of Jen's date. Megan is jealous of the carriage ride, while Amanda has a hilarious silent freakout at the mutual massage description. Don't massage and tell, Jen--it's unseemly! As Jen talks about how NBC is likely to censor the massages, Amanda is horrified to learn that (shocker) she's not that special, and Mark is hooking up with all the ladies.--young AND decrepit. Next, we're back to the weekly discussion of whether or not Maria's going to quit (she says she is). Megan's onto her false promises. Fool you three times, shame on you?
The girls meet with Mark solo before the elimination. Megan's meeting with Mark is short, and she doesn't get to say everything she wants to. Next, Jen tries not to be too confident, and tells Mark that she's really, really into him now. Mark agrees that he always has a great time when he's with her. Amanda, on the other hand, takes Mark to task for hooking up with Jen, and he doesn't seem pleased that Jen blabbed about it. If Amanda's Reign of Terror is still going strong, Jen will get the boot for sure. But hey, if anyone's going to survive after Amanda complains to Mark about them, it's Jen. He tries to reassure Amanda that he's really into her, and she falls for it hook, line, and sinker. Maria confirms to us that she's going to quit (for real this time!), and gives Mark this meandering speech about slamming doors in her face, and limited time, and whatever. Mark's all, "Um, you're one of just four women left, and I'm contractually obligated to eliminate you one by one at this point, so what more do you want from me short of kicking everyone else off and choosing you right now?" She finally takes the plunge, and tells Mark she's eliminating herself. Mark claims that had she not done so, he would have asked her to stay. Too late!
After an hour-long discussion with Maria, Mark goes down to visit the remaining contestants and deliver the news. They're all fairly shocked that Maria finally followed through. And Maria's gonna be pretty sorry pretty fast, because Mark tells the women that they'll be headed to Australia with him to meet his family! Wow, that's pretty awesome. But not for Megan, who is scared of flying, especially on such a long flight. Come on, Megan--when you think about it, the vast majority of crashes happen during takeoff or landing, so you're probably just as likely to crash no matter how long the flight is. ...Feel better now? Apparently not, as she has a last-minute panic attack when it comes time to board the plane, saying she can't do it. Dude, take some Dramamine and sleep through it. It's a free trip to Australia! Australia! Sadly, Mark has to put her in a cab home, where they finally have their first kiss. So...we went from four to two without Mark eliminating anyone? Seems like the closer they get to realizing they're going to have to be with Mark, the less these ladies want to stay in it.
So...the description for this episode mentioned something about the women's families getting a chance to grill Mark, and I was kind of looking forward to hearing what Jen's son, especially, thinks of this whole thing. Sadly, I guess it was not to be. Ah, well. Next week: this whole crazy whirlwind comes to an end when Mark chooses between Old and Crazy, Fun and Young, Plastic and Plastic. Semi-unfortunately, I'll be on a much-needed vacation at the time, so this is where I leave you. (Don't worry--I'll try and find someone to cover for me next week so you can get your last Kittens vs. Cougars fix). It's been fun, guys!
Monday, July 30, 2007
Age of Love: Nobody likes a quitter
Monday, July 23, 2007
Age of Love: Don't be cruel
Last week on Age of Love, Mary swam home in a river of her tears. This week, camping! Outside! With nature! This week's inspirational quote to get you started, courtesy of NBC, is less pro-old than usual: "The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything; the young know everything." -Oscar Wilde. Let's all take a minute to contemplate that in the context of this show. Right.
We open with a now-familiar discussion of how Maria said she would quit but didn't. Jayanna, in particular, is bothered by it, and decides to call Maria out. Look, I can understand being annoyed, but it's kind of Maria's right to not quit if she doesn't want to. Jayanna is in danger of losing the "Liz's Favorite" spot. Partly because of the Maria thing, and partly because of her way? Of talking? Like everything's a question? It's starting to grate on me. Yeah, I'm fickle. So sue me.
Amanda points out that for the first time, the cougars outnumber the kittens. Jayanna starts to passive-aggressively dig at the two remaining kittens, telling them that when you're mature like she is, you don't just fall in love with a dude in a week, and that Mark isn't giving them anything that he's not giving everyone else. Well, that last part is definitely true. Mark's totally a makeout slut.
Host Mark shows up at the apartment to break the hilarious bad news: For the next two days, they'll be going camping. The contestants act all excited, but I'm not buying it. Host Mark says that this trip will separate the women from the girls, because "one of you...will not be coming back." Jesus Christ, are they camping in grizzly bear country or something?
Maria loves camping, and says the trip could "create a lot of yumminess." Yeah, for grizzly bears. Megan, on the other hand, isn't much of a camper. Jayanna, who is also a camper, makes sure to NOT tell her to bring toilet paper. And you know what? Judge me if you will, but I kind of love her for that. I really hope this trip is like The Parent Trap, with Jayanna filling Megan's bug spray bottle with sugar water, and making her hit sticks together to scare away the cougars (it's grizzlies you need to worry about, Megan!). They all pile into an RV with Mark and head off to the campsite.
Mark runs through all the girls in an interview. He thinks Megan is a sweetheart who says funny (read: dumb) things all the time. Jayanna impressed him from the start, he loves the way Amanda strokes his...ego, and he likes Maria's honesty and passion. He says that everything seems right with Jen, and he knows he's attracted to and likes her. It seems like there's a "but" in there that was cut out of the interview.
At the campsite, Mark uncorks a bottle of wine and they toast to the camping trip. What the heck kind of camping trip has wine glasses? I don't think it counts as camping if you have glassware. The gals set up their tents, and Mark tries to start a fire. Let's just say he lacks the mad outdoorsy skillz which I thought were compulsory for Australians. Mark takes Maria on a walk, and she takes the opportunity to further explain her feelings and the whole almost-quitting thing. Mark's all, "so...we're not going to make out right now?" Maria interviews that she's really glad he "convinced [her] to stay." Um, that's a bit of revisionist history, honey. He barely got your name out before you started your whole "I feel like you ignore me but you just gave me a little hope so I'm not going to quit after all aren't you relieved?" speech. Whatever, Maria. Your strategy of playing hard to get has become a bit too drama queen for me. Mark is all over it, though, and they kiss.
Later that evening, as they're all hanging around the campfire drinking wine, Jen asks Mark to come talk to her in her tent. She tells him how wonderful she thinks he is, and he just tells her that he's definitely attracted to her. Um, I'm sure that's nice and reassuring since she's so horribly, horribly old, Mark, but you could probably say something about her personality, too. Now that they're on the same page, they make out.
Back at the campfire, they move on to hard alcohol and party games. Jayanna gets dared to run around with her pants down, and revels in the opportunity to show off her ass. Fair enough, Jayanna. Fair enough. Especially when she dares Mark to do the same thing. Maria says that Mark's ass is at least a nine, but she'd have to touch it to rule it a ten. Ha! Maria picks "truth," and Mark asks her if she's turned on by him. So...does Mark have the tiniest ego in all of professional sports, or does he just get off on forcing women to fawn over him? Okay, same thing, but seriously!
Maria takes the opportunity to, like, make some kind of hippie love pretzel of turned-on-ness involving touching hearts and straddling each other. It's weird. The other women all feel awkward. Mark silently vows not to ask "truth" anymore. Then, Maria freaks out at everyone giggling at her, and says something about how everyone claims to want to empower women (not on this show, sweetheart), but then they laugh at women, which doesn't empower her. "Truth is truth! Stop laughing at women, JEN." Oh my god! She's a crazy drunk! Jen tries to explain that she wasn't laughing at women (subtext: she was laughing at Maria specifically), and that it's just a game, but Maria's all "This is not a game! This is truth!" Um, "truth or dare." Which IS a game, you crazy. Mark doesn't think all the arguing is exactly a turn-on, but Maria continues to freak out about the sanctity of truth, and how she takes life seriously.
Jen realizes that you can't reason with crazy, and chooses instead to walk off crying, thus attracting Mark's attention. Well-played, Jen! He follows her into the woods and tries to calm her down, and then possibly tries to bring about a threesome by convincing her to go back and give Maria a hug. Jen gives Maria the greatest non-apology of all time, all, "I'm sorry you thought I was laughing at you." Maria over-seriously accepts Jen's apology, and Mark starts to realize that Maria might be a bit much for him.
Mark invites Megan on a semi-drunken walk, and she hilariously asks him if he's supposed to pick a girl to sleep in his tent at the end of the night. He hilariously responds, "No...not that I know of," and I think I detect a hint of hope in his voice. Megan, more than tipsy, tells Mark that she's not sure how she feels about him, which is pretty much the opposite of the ego-stroking we know Mark loves so much. True to form, he's not so sure about her anymore, although he frames it in a "it wouldn't be fair to the girls who love me so very dearly" way. Jayanna sees Megan's drunken antics, and thinks they make her seem too young for Mark. Um, I think we've established through examination of Mark's dating history that there's no such thing as "too young" for Mark.
He invites Jayanna on a walk, and Amanda starts to cry and second-guess his feelings toward her. Oh, Amanda. You were never special. He was making out with everyone! Are you crying because you're jealous, or because you probably have about five different strains of mouth herpes by now? She interviews that she feels silly, and says she doesn't want to do this anymore. Yeah, right. I'll believe that when I see it, stalker.
Mark brings Jayanna to a cool little area all romantically set up with lights and a hammock, and Jayanna is as impressed as if he planned or put it together himself. They dance and kiss and lie in the hammock while Amanda stews at her lack of one-on-one time with Mark. Pissed that the "walk" was taking forever, she actually wanders into the woods and hunts them down, like the psycho stalker that she is. Jesus Christ, dude, have a little patience! Last week he saved the best for last with Jen and her solo date! Jayanna, for her part, starts to trash the other girls to Mark a bit, cleverly never naming names, but saying that some of them have been infatuated with him since day one, which can't be real. Which, fair enough, but I don't think Mark of the Needy Ego is going to see your point.
Amanda returns to camp after failing to find them, and decides to wait in his tent for Mark. Because, again, psycho! I mean seriously, is she really drunk or something? This is crazy! Jayanna and Mark return, and discover that everyone is asleep. Jayanna tries to get Mark to stay up with her (or take her back to his tent...), but he feigns exhaustion and says goodnight. Jayanna sees that Amanda was waiting for Mark in his tent, and calls it "cheeky" and "presumptuous." I'd go with "crazy" and "stalker-esque," but okay.
Amanda's all, "Where were you? I tried to find you guys!" Mark actually lies down with her and listens to her crazy "I feel naive trusting you like this" blather. She must be a lot hotter in person than she seems on TV. Or, Mark must be a boob man. Because daaaang, I'd be kicking her out of my tent SO FAST her head would be spinning Exorcist-style. Amanda tattles on Jayanna for basically telling her that she's not special to Mark, and they kiss and talk. Wow, I kind of feel for Mark. It would be way awkward to kick her out of his tent, but she's such a psycho at this point that she could kill him in a fit of jealousy while he sleeps! Rough. So yeah, she stays in there all night.
The next morning, Mark makes pancakes as the women discuss the night prior. Jealousy, passive-aggression, etc., the usual. Mark and Amanda get busted for sharing a tent, and Jayanna's all, "I don't care! He chose me for a walk in the woods!" I get that he didn't choose Amanda to sleep in his tent, but yeah, Jayanna, you totally care. Maria won't let Mark change the subject, but he suggests they start breaking down camp rather than discuss the sleepover.
Jen thinks she's in pretty good shape, Maria regrets her truth or dare breakdown, Megan thinks she may have had a bit too wild a night, Amanda thinks Jayanna may be going home after Amanda's chat with Mark, and Jayanna thinks Amanda was a too aggressive for Mark last night. I, having taken NBC.com's compatibility quiz, can now say that I "seem like a great gal, but [I] and Mark are not meant to be." Aww. Was it the veggie delight pizza choice?
Back at the campground, it's elimination time. Mark asks Jen to go on a walk with him, and asks her to stay. He tells Amanda that it felt really natural and comfortable staying in a tent with her last night, even though she was basically breaking, entering, and lying in wait. She's still in. Sigh. Mark admires Maria for being who she is (a little crazy, it seems), and thinks he "gets" her. He asks her to stay (and with her, it's actually a question). He asks for Megan next, and Jayanna gets nervous. I have to wonder, at this point, whether Jayanna is a goner simply due to NBC's desire to keep the old-young numbers even. Mark calls Megan out for drinking too much the night before, but says he'd still like to see more of her.
No! Jayanna! I mean, I know she was totally mean and passive-aggressive this week, but come on! It was funny because she was being mean to Amanda! Boo, Mark, boo! Stupid Amanda and her tattling ways. This is all her fault! Mark basically tells Jayanna that he's booting her because of what Amanda told him. Jayanna tries to defend herself (and rewrite history a bit), but he's not having it, and he kicks her out for playing games. Which, yeah, she was totally doing. But it was so funny! Nuts to you, Mark, and your anti-Mean Girls attitude. Jayanna, for her part, is a bit in denial about her passive-aggressive actions. Own up to it, babe. Love yourself. Next week: Amanda is probably crazier.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Age of Love: Good gravy!
Last week on Age of Love, Mary cried. For pretty much the entire episode. Like a big, collagen-stuffed baby. Tonight, it's down to six women, and apparently we've got a lot more making out to look forward to. We join Mark in the bachelor suite, where we are greeted by a quote projected on the coffee table: "You're only as old as you let your heart make you." - Anonymous. Which gets exactly one hit if you google it, by the way. Not that I'd accuse NBC of practically making up cheesy, "Age is but a number"-type quotes, or anything.
Host Mark lets Mark know that Mark will be taking the women to do his favorite things over the next few days. First up: He picks Megan, Maria, and Mary to go surfing with him, because there's nothing he loves more than an alliterative foursome. They meet Mark outside, where he shows them his awesome woody. The car, guys, the car. Geez. Although Mark and the girls also have some fun with the word "woody." Because, really, how couldn't you?
The surfing doesn't go so well, although Maria manages to stay up on the board for about a second. Which is actually kind of an achievement. Megan gets popped in the head by her surfboard a few times, and although you can't hear it over the waves, I picture it sounding like knocking two hollow cartoon coconuts together. Meanwhile, back at the Apartment of Desperate Loneliness, stalker Amanda tries to distract herself from the thought of the object of her obsession being out on a date with three other women. Women whose names wouldn't force Mark to get all his towels re-monogrammed, in the event of their marriage. Jen and Jayanna, in the meantime, make fun of Amanda's mentally unbalanced ways.
After surfing, Mark and the M Squad have a picnic on the beach, and the girls all laugh uncomfortably loudly at his dumb joke about sand in his swimsuit. Mark invites Megan to go on a walk and they really hit it off, while Mary whines and Maria consoles her. But then- awkwardness! Betrayal! Potential crybabyness! Mary decides to join them on their romantic walk, all "Hey, guys! Just happened to be walkin' down this stretch of beach!" Weird. Maria sticks with her strategy of playing hard-to-get (the opposite of the Amanda Approach) while Mary uncomfortably plays third wheel, like she couldn'tve seen that coming.
Back at the apartment, everyone's jealous of Megan--especially Amanda. But Mark quickly texts over that he wants to see her and Jayanna next. Amanda isn't happy to be sharing her time. Jayanna isn't worried, though. Um, word to the wise, Jayanna: You may not be worried about the competition from Amanda, but you should probably be careful lest she stab you in the back. Literally. Chick is cuh-razy. And ready and willing to cut anyone who comes between her and Mark.
Their date is a movie night, and Mark asks Jayanna to share a drink with him outside first. Amanda sits in the shadows, plotting. Jayanna and Mark talk about relationships, and I have to point out--she looks HOT. Seriously. Not hot for 39, but just hot. And not creepy hot, like some of the other women. Do you guys think she's had work done? She looks almost too good not to have, but if so, it's really quality. Like, "I want the name of her doctor just in case I don't age well" quality.
Aaanyway, after their drink, Mark and Jayanna rejoin Amanda, and the three of them snuggle up to watch the movie. I say "snuggle up," because instead of the normal chairs or a couch, NBC has chosen to make the three of them watch the movie lying on down, with Mark in the middle. I don't want to know what's going on under those blankets, yo. According to Jayanna, Mark was paying the most attention to her because he was turned in her direction. According to Amanda, he likes her the best because they were holding hands the whole time. Mark walks Jayanna down to the car, they kiss a couple times, and he heads back up for some solo time with Amanda. He and the Stalker lie down under the blankets and discuss whether or not they talk in their sleep. Amanda, upon learning that he sleeps with his dog, plots Kia's untimely demise. She and Mark make out as the camera zooms in to an uncomfortable degree, and she interviews, yet again, that she loooves him. Mark says something about how seeing Amanda's boobs makes him smile.
The next day, Jen's feeling a bit left out. Not to worry, Jen! You're going to get the best date of all! Hint: It involves black leather. Mary spends some time crying while Jen gets ready to ride Mark's crotch rocket, because she wants a coo-oo-oo-ool rider. She and Mark speed off into the hills, and park at a scenic overlook. As they look into the murky stew of pollution that is Los Angeles (seriously--never look at that city from above), Mark and Jen share a romantic moment, and Mark hopes she'll be an easy rider. (Okay, okay, that was the last motorcycle joke...promise!) Back at the apartment, the twenties moan about missing out on the date. Megan, like a little kid hoping Christmas will come faster, suggests that they all go to sleep so that the date will be over sooner. In a scene that would reduce Mary to weeping and Amanda to murder, Mark and Jen play some serious tonsil hockey. It actually squicks me out a little, although that may not be the age thing so much as the sucking sound effects and Mark's "very soft lips" comment. Urgh.
Mary, however, is doing a perfectly good job of weeping on her own, this time about how she and Mark aren't connecting. Megan's response in an interview: "Good gravy!" Well, I think I know my favorite 20something (as if that wasn't already decided by process of elimination). "Good gravy" is now my new favorite expression. Awesome. Mary whines some about how she doesn't want to stick it out if she's not happy. Jen, in the process of "showing Mark what a 48-year-old is all about," makes out with him while beating him at flirty pool. He feels really comfortable with her, until she asks him where else those lips have been. If you have to ask, Jen, you probably don't want to know the answer. She returns to the house and somewhat meanly and obviously gloats about her fabulous date to the kittens (whatever, they deserve it). Amanda can barely contain her rage. Mary can barely contain her sobbing. Megan is bummed to a far more reasonable degree.
And it's elimination time already! Maria once again claims she'll quit, but the women are onto her empty promises. Mary also intimates that she doesn't know if her overused tear ducts can handle any more of this emotional turmoil. We're back up on the rooftop, and Amanda's dress can barely contain her silicon-filled funbags. (Crazybags? Stalkerbags? Could-be-used-to-suffocate-the-competitionbags?) Mark tells Jen that he had a great time with her, and asks her to stay. He says the same to Megan, as well as Jayanna (yay!). Amanda, who actually looks older than Jayanna with all the makeup she has caked on, watches on tensely. She's up next, and right as Mark is trying to ask her to stay, tearfully tells him about her frighteningly strong feelings for him. I'd tell you to run away fast, Mark, but I know you have a bum knee. Hobble away, dude, hobble away! He asks her to stay, leaving Maria and Mary, the almost-quitters, as the last two women standing.
Maria gives Mary a nice pep talk about carrying on in her absence before stepping up and, once again, failing to quit. Ha! He asks her to stay, and the women smile through their disappointment. Mary, of course, is out. Shockingly enough, she manages to get through her talk with him without crying, and actually gives a great little speech. There is, naturally, much sobbing both when she gets the group hug and in her final interview. Fair enough, Age of Love, although I'd hoped for something a bit more interesting involving Amanda being booted, going crazy, and shoving the remaining women off the roof. Ah, well. There's always next week!
Monday, July 09, 2007
Age of Love: Gentlemen don't prefer blondes
Last week on Age of Love, Maria was a big fat non-quitter! This week, the twenties and their hula hoops are moving in with the forties and their knitting, in what I hope will be a battle the likes of which non-sweeps television programming has never before seen.
We begin with a quote classily superimposed over the rooftop swimming pool: “It’s not the years in your life that count—It’s the life in your years.” –Abraham Lincoln. Let’s all take a moment to reflect on that while the twenties move their belongings upstairs (yes, including the hula hoops…Amanda’s carrying them). Jayanna, who is now by far my favorite contestant, threatens in an interview to bend any misbehaving twenties over her knee and spank them if they don’t “respect their elders.” Horny pervs everywhere pray for rampant 20something misbehavior.
Maria makes fun of the kittens for bringing their hula hoops (told you!), and Mary gets all upset and defensive about being laughed at in an interview. Mary is hilarious, you guys. She’s crying! Because they made fun of her hula hoops! This show is amazing! Jesus, she’d probably cry for a week if she read my recaps. Please, God, let her read my recaps!
Mark interviews that he’s matured a lot since the show started taping, and realizes he needs to show the women how he feels about them. Apparently, he feels that they’re all sexy. Wow, Mark. Your newfound maturity is really admirable. Incidentally, from the previews I saw for this episode, it seems Mark will be doing a whole lot of “showing how he feels,” in the form of making out with each and every contestant. You think they screen for mono and mouth herpes on these dating shows?
The women are instructed to meet Mark downstairs in their workout clothes, where they pair up at the waiting tandem bikes. Host Mark informs them that Mark is waiting miles away on a fancy yacht which will serve as the finish line of their triathlon. Wow, seriously? I’m assuming it’s going to be some sort of mini-race, because otherwise…well…Mark would probably just have to date the sole survivor. Amanda is especially worried, calling herself “the least athletic” of the twenties. Um, isn’t she a professional hockey team dancer? Does that not require some sort of physical exertion? Or does this finally confirm that being a dancer for a sports team doesn’t require anything more than a fake pair of DD’s and the ability to jump up and down?
Okay, yeah, not a real triathlon. At all. Riding a tandem bike, jogging down the beach, paddling to the yacht on a surfboard. Fair enough, though all the drownings would have been exciting. First three to the yacht get to spend the evening on it with Mark. After bike troubles (Megan/Mary), thigh cramps (Jen), and a dramatic ankle-twisting requiring an ambulance trip to the hospital (Tessa), Jayanna (WOO! And Kiss #1), Amanda (Kiss #2), and Kelli win. Go Team Cougar—two out of three! Mary just misses out, and is a total crybaby about it. Mark, hilariously, interviews that all that biking, running, and paddling is way too much trouble to hang out with him, and he wanted to yell to the paddling women, “I’m not worth it! Go back! Go back!” Well, at least he has a sense of self-awareness about him.
The winners get all dolled up (did they have a courier run some clothes over to the yacht?), and Mark puts on a tux. God, he’s hot. The losing women, including Tessa back from the hospital, moan about the missed opportunity. Back on the yacht, the women split up the dinner courses. Kelli is up first with the appetizer, and Mark appreciates how easy she made the conversation for him. They kiss (Kiss #3), which she makes sure to tell the other two women, and Mark moves on to dinner with Jayanna.
Jayanna confesses to Mark that she has butterflies in her stomach around him, and tells him that she’s been around enough to realize that she deserves a really great guy (she does), and thinks he’s that guy (he isn’t). Mark says they had a lot of chemistry, and Jayanna has a “great personality.” I’ll take that at its face value, since she does have a great personality, and won’t assume that he’s saying that for lack of anything better to say, which is how I feel the “great personality” compliment is usually used. Amanda and Mark share dessert, and he seems more physically engaged with her than he was with the other women. They speak Greek and Spanish with each other under the stars, and Mark is feeling the romance. He kisses her (Kiss #4). It’s more than just a peck.
Later, the women are instructed to put on tennis outfits and meet Mark at the court. Mark mentions something about finding tennis sexy, and I wonder what his former opponents would have to say about that. The women enjoy watching him practice his hitting for a bit, and then he sits Tessa down with a bag of ice before showing the other women how to hit balls. Hee. (For the record, Mary also finds the word “balls” hilarious. So…um…apparently Mary and I have something in common. It’s scary, but I refuse to take back that “hee.” “Balls” is funny, dammit!)
Mark arranges a doubles tournament for the women—Kittens vs. Cougars. First up are Maria and Jayanna, who destroy Mary and Megan. Tessa decides that she wants to try playing, because dating Mark is worth more to her than her physical wellbeing. Mark loves it, because willingness to sacrifice one’s body to in order impress him is a quality he finds desirable in women. Tessa and Amanda face off against Kelli and Jen, and lose royally. But probably only because tennis is kind of an old person sport. And I say that as a twenty-something who is a huge tennis fan. Even though the cougars won the tournament, Mark picks Tessa to do something special with him that night. She smiles through the pain of what’s probably a shattered ankle, and accepts his invitation.
The women arrive back at the apartment, and things are a little bit tense. As Amanda points out, they were hungry, exhausted, and sore. And also they hate each other. Not exactly a recipe for harmony. I’m going to preserve this exchange for posterity:
Jayanna: I mean, guys, seriously, you act like total prima donnas!
Mary: Don’t call me a prima donna and tell me to shut up, please, I won’t say that to you [to your face, since I’m the meanest one in interviews], and I wouldn’t expect you to say that to me. Jayanna: Well…I said it, and I’m not taking it back…
Mary: [Leaves room crying.]
Hilarious! Amanda thinks the cougars are picking on the kittens because they’re insecure, rather than because it's like shooting enormous fish in a teeny tiny barrel. All the 20somethings comfort Mary, who sobbingly says that she was trying to “stick up for all of us.” What a freaking baby! She’s totally miserable about the situation. Megan thinks the cougars are being immature. Oh, please. You guys are such easy targets—you think they aren’t going to poke a stick at you once in a while?
Mark prepares for his dinner date with Tessa in the bachelor suite, and says she’s come across as a beautiful, intelligent woman. No. No, she absolutely has not. She’s come across as a plastic-looking, disturbingly big-breasted woman…is that what you meant to say, Mark? He’s really looking forward to staring at her breasts all night the date, anyway. She’s a bit bummed to be all dolled up and on crutches. NBC has bought out about five flower shops and a couple candle shops to decorate the bachelor suite for this date. It looks completely ridiculous, and also kind of like a fire hazard, but Tessa’s into it. Of course. There’s even a violinist playing, which seems much more weird and awkward than romantic to me, but whatever. The date seems to go well.
Amanda, in the meantime, has gone from being uncomfortably into Mark to being kind of a stalker. She brags to Mary that she “smelled his cologne,” and that it smelled like Mark. Um, okay. Freak. Mary cries in an interview about how she hasn’t spent any time with Mark, and the tragic situation she's gotten herself into. She feels horrible. She’d better quit, then, because she’s way too much drama for the NBC producers to let Mark eliminate her.
Back on the date, Tessa tells Mark that Amanda really cares for him, and something about how if Mark doesn’t have those initial attraction feelings towards Tessa, he should tell her now. It’s incredibly disjointed, weird, and kind of a turn-off, as Mark points out to us. So…Tessa is a crazy person. Who woulda thunk it?
Mark chats with Host Mark, telling him that Amanda is really standing out to him, as well as Jen. Jen? She’s barely been in this episode! Bad job, editors. Anyway, Mark, in a not-at-all-preplanned move, says he wants one-on-one chats with each of the women before he has to make his decision. Tessa is up first, and Mark calls her out for mentioning Amanda on their date. She gives a complete non-explanation. Jayanna’s next, and is aggressive about telling Mark that she feels a connection with him but thinks he’s holding back, because he hasn’t kissed her yet. Go, Jayanna! They kiss (Kiss #5). There’s tongue. Definitely the longest kiss of the episode that we see. Next up is Maria, who has to wipe lipstick off Mark’s mouth. Oh, snap! He tells her he doesn’t want to come across as a player, and Maria’s super-cool about it. They kiss (Kiss #6).
Kelli thinks this is her last opportunity to let him know that she’s interested. (It’s a popular strategy.) She gets a wee bit desperate-sounding when she tells him that it would “break [her] heart a little bit” if he’s not interested in her. Oof. They kiss (Kiss #7). Amanda gets all upset about Kelli saying she and Mark had a connection. STALKER! She’s having a hard time with his dating eight women, and almost starts crying telling Mark how hard it is for her to open up in this situation. They kiss (Kiss #8). She tells him that she was thinking about Kelli kissing him during their kiss. Ew! She is basically the opposite of Maria. The editors hilariously show him kissing Kelli like five times (three new kisses, so that’s #'s 9, 10, and 11). Amanda says that Kelli told the other contestants all about it, and Mark lies that she’s “the only girl [he’s] kissed, kissed.” HA! Amazing! This, no more than half an hour after he made out with Jayanna for, like, thirty seconds? Best. Ever. Amanda believes him and is mollified, and they kiss again (Kiss #12).
Mark tells Megan that he’s not sure how she feels, and Megan nervously (and apparently accidentally) says that she didn’t feel an instant connection with him. That may not end well for her. Mary tells Mark that she’s felt really distant from him, but definitely wants to stay when she does spend time with him. Jen asks Mark to kiss her, and it’s a pretty serious kiss (Kiss #13). Mark really enjoyed it. A quick peck on the lips (Kiss #14), and she’s outta there. Mark feels more confused than ever after talking to all the women, apparently, and really doesn’t want to hurt anyone.
He comes downstairs and sits everyone down on the couch for a more intimate, less formal elimination ceremony, or something. Where’s the Rooftop of Drama? This is all wrong! He eliminates Tessa right off the bat because of the Amanda thing. He eliminates Kelli because he doesn’t “think it’ll work out.” Bad night to be a blonde, eh? Kelli was pretty shocked by the elimination, and is very hurt. I’m just glad it wasn’t Jayanna. And that's all for now, I guess. Wow. That wasn't really even worth going up on the Rooftop of Drama for. Next week: More kissing!
Monday, July 02, 2007
Age of Love: Kiss of Death
Previously on Age of Love: A bunch of old biddies and a bunch of young sluts got thrown into the reality TV equivalent of a cage match. It was amazing.
We begin this week on the 40th floor, immediately after the elimination. The cougars are a bit unsettled by the kittens’ presence, but shift immediately into offensive mode, pointing out that the kittens are probably really poor and unsuccessful, comparatively. Um, yeah, because they spent all their money on boob jobs (Tessa). Botox is way less expensive.
Down on the 20th floor, the kittens realize that they may have less life experience than the cougars. However, they also realize that since Mark is 30, there is a far greater age difference between Mark and the cougars (up to 18 years) than there is between Mark and the kittens (up to 9 years). Good math, kittens! Have a cat treat.
The NBC quote-finding intern is at it again! “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” –Mark Twain. The intern is clearly on Team Cougar. Back the bachelor pad, Mark meets with Host Mark to discuss the elimination. Host Mark points out that the older women were really sad to see Angela go, while the younger women practically pushed Lauren off the roof once she was eliminated. Mark acknowledges that the kittens may be a wee bit competitive. Moving on, he selects Kelli (40) and Amanda (25) to go out to lunch with him (I’m assuming he had to choose one old and one young). Kelli because she “seems more sexual” than the other old hags, and Amanda because she seems genuine. Aside from her boobs and lips, I’m assuming.
As NBC helpfully points out, Kelli and Amanda think it’s going to be a one on one date, but instead it’s going to be a threesome. And not the cool kind. Hmm…why would they think that? Maybe because the text message invite called it “an individual date.” Oh, NBC! Please continue to cruelly toy with their hearts like that. Building up desperate women’s hopes only to dash them on the rocky shore below is the bread and butter of Age of Love. The women, as expected, are unhappy to see each other. They sit on opposite sides of the restaurant, with Mark free to move in between tables. They’re instructed to keep Mark at their tables as long as possible (is taking your top off against the rules?), because whoever is sitting with him at the end of the date gets to share dessert with him as well. By all rights it should be Kelli, then, because Amanda would probably barf the dessert back up immediately afterwards anyway, by the looks of her.
Mark valiantly tries to run back and forth, keeping both ladies happy. The ladies valiantly try to hold his attention. Meanwhile, the kittens are summoned to the pool by Host Mark. While the tennis player’s away, the host will play? No, he’s there to give the kittens the chance to “create the perfect date.” …For the 40somethings! Dun dun DUUUUN! Yes, each team will be creating the other’s group date. I’d totally make the kittens go ice skating. Let’s see them all wear bikinis there!
Back at the threesome, Mark decides he wants to try and have dessert with Amanda. With five minutes left, Kelli tries to run out the clock. Right as Mark moves to make a break for it with seven seconds left, Kelli pulls out the old “hang on, you’ve got imaginary food on your face that I need to brush off” gambit, ensuring a cougar victory against Mark’s will. Hilariously, Mark tries to muffle the alarm so that Kelli might not hear it and he can go back to the other side. Needless to say, it doesn’t work. I almost feel sorry for Mark, but not as sorry as I feel for Kelli, since making Mark resent having to share dessert with her is definitely going to backfire. Pretty quickly, it turns out, as Mark and Amanda share a romantic walk back to the car, and he gives her a kiss goodbye. On the mouth! Back at the table of unmitigated desperation, Mark and Kelli share dessert as Kelli fools herself into thinking it was voluntary on Mark’s part.
In the Apartments of Catty Scheming, the kittens and the cougars brainstorm date ideas. The kittens, obviously, try to come up with a date that will make the cougars look old. They suspect that the cougars will be trying to make them look young. Oh, kittens. The fact that you think your vulnerable point is your youth only makes you seem all the stupider. In the end, though, the cougars do choose to attack the kittens’ age rather than their teeny tiny brains. Bad move, if you ask me.
The young’uns get sent to an “indoor playground” to play with Mark and a bunch of little kids at a birthday party. It’s pretty funny and fairly clever, because as Megan points out, the kids’ presence kept the alone time with Mark to a minimum. Way to go, Team Cougar! However, Mark is impressed with Adelaide…not so much with Mary, though, since he totally walks off to play “Duck, Duck, Goose” when she’s in the middle of a story. Ha! Mary sucks. Adelaide, who is totally going to win this thing, gets picked to ride back with Mark in the limo and then gets a goodnight kiss (Mark, you hussy!). Tessa is disappointed to be “one of the girls in the sea of women that haven’t gotten to know him.” Well, Tessa, those giant buoys on your chest should keep you from drowning. (And I mean that on multiple levels.)
The next morning, Amanda’s jealousy of Adelaide grows in leaps and bounds. Mary expresses confidence that Mark will choose a 20something, saying, “There’s too much natural beauty here [for him not to],” as she and Amanda layer on pounds of makeup and hair products. As the kittens, ah, enhance all that “natural beauty,” the cougars arrive for their date with Mark—a water aerobics class with old people. Funny, kittens, but a tactical error, as the 40somethings point out. These women work hard (and pay lots, I’d wager) to look hot in a swimsuit, which Mark notices. Plus, putting them next to real old people only makes them look much younger in comparison. Mark, for his part, loves that they’re laughing and enjoying the activity, and has a great time himself. They actually do seem like a fun group. Mark picks Maria to ride back with him in the limo, and invites her up to his apartment. (oooOOOoooh!) They chat for a bit, and Maria notices his stand-offish body language. Tragedy strikes when she gets a goodbye kiss…on the cheek. Kittens: 2. Cougars: 0.
Elimination time already? Everyone’s nervous. Maria says that she doesn’t think she’s found a “love connection” with Mark, and will just quit and cut her losses. Ah yes, the old, “Dump him before he dumps me” strategy. Whatever, wuss. (Jayanna, incidentally, has an awesome “safe from elimination” dance. She is totally my favorite contestant.) All the 20somethings are packed and ready to go except for Adelaide, who is supremely confident. Fair enough, Adelaide—seems like it’s yours to lose at this point.
Up on the Rooftop of Doom, a supposedly nervous Mark begins with Tessa and her gazongas. The three of them are safe, as is Amanda, whom Mark is “really looking forward to kissing some more.” Didn’t your mother teach you not to kiss and tell, dude? Megan is also still in, leaving Adelaide and Mary in suspense. Mark tells Adelaide that he really feels like a kiss can tell you something about a person, and that he didn’t feel like she gave him anything. No! WAY! She’s out!!! Jesus, did she bite him or something? How bad can a little peck on the lips be? Mary is practically peeing herself with relief. This is the craziest damn thing I have ever seen, including Sam’s elimination in the last season of Top Chef. Madness, Philippoussis, madness! Unless…NBC? Did you have something to do with this? At any rate, this competition is wide open now that Adelaide’s brief but intense reign of terror is over. Seize the day, old ladies!
But before any day-seizing can begin, Mark has to complete the elimination. After complimenting Mary’s boob-revealing dress, he asks her to stay and moves on to the cougars. Jen, whom he calls confident and attractive, is in, and Maria is up next. Mark starts by saying that he has tons of fun with her, and that he’s looking forward to getting to know her more. He says that he hopes she feels the same way, giving her the perfect opportunity after an awkward pause to…totally not quit, after calling him out a little for being hard to read. Jayanna’s elimination dance, it seems, was premature. Kelli’s smile becomes somewhat strained, and more so after Mark asks Jayanna to stay. However, Kelli is safe, and Lynn is the one getting the boot because of her shyness. I guess that pact she made with Satan/her plastic surgeon to look thirty forever isn’t going to pay off after all.
Host Mark comes out to announce that…the kittens will be moving into the retirement community on the 40th floor with the cougars! Will they be able to bring their hula hoops and bikinis with them? Will we have a (likely justified) mass murder on our hands? Find out next week!
Monday, June 25, 2007
Age of Love: Meet the Kittens
“The Great Dating Experiment Continues…” We rejoin Mark as a curtain drops, revealing six 20somethings striking their sluttiest fiercest poses. Sadly for Mark, he won’t get to meet them until the next morning. Later, on the 20th floor (thanks for making it easy for me, NBC!), the 20somethings hang out in their underwear, discussing the lack of competition due to the bountiful number of eggs in their ovaries (seriously). Nice to see they still have a team mentality. I wonder how long that’ll last.
Hey, NBC got some intern to look up “age” in Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations, and we’re treated to this educational gem: “It’s all that the young can do for the old, to shock them and keep them up to date” –George Bernard Shaw. Wow, that quotation replenished about twelve of the fifty IQ points I’ve lost watching this show so far. Thanks again, NBC!
Meanwhile, on the 40th floor, the elderly contestants obsess over Mark and the date he must be planning. Um, yeah, because Mark totally plans all these dates himself. Last week he was all, “Hmm…a picnic in the park? A walk on the beach? No, I think we’ll rappel down a 12-story building.”
The 20somethings head up to the roof in their bikinis, ready to meet Mark. And they’re doing it in broad daylight, not under the cover of darkness like the 40somethings. Feel the shame of your advanced age, 40somethings! You must hide from the sun like the monstrosities that you are! Mark is pretty darn psyched to meet the meat. I mean, meet the intelligent, capable, not at obnoxiously mean 20somethings.
Lauren, a 27-year-old lighting designer, isn’t very worried about the competition. Start worrying, Lauren—even you are a bit older than Mark’s average girlfriend. Mark thinks she’s hot. Next up is Adelaide, a 26-year-old photojournalist who claims to have been born in Australia. Mark thinks she’s beautiful. Then we have Amanda, a 25-year-old “hockey team dancer.” Mark’s all, “I love Amanda’s enormous, round, perky, silicon…um…smile. She’s got a great smile.” Amanda wants a man who’s really “ready to get into this,” and do more than “just play a game.” Um…you’re on a dating show, Amanda. The whole thing’s a game. Did they siphon off some gray matter to fill those saline bags you’ve got hanging off of your chest?
Next, we have Mary, a 24-year-old dialysis technician who’s a bit of an awkward talker. Tessa, a 23-year-old in surgical sales, thinks she brings “a sense of humor,” “great morals,” and “great thoughts” to the table. I assume that’s along with her enormous pair of fake breasts. Mark readily admits his difficulty maintaining eye contact. Next is the comparatively flat-chested 21-year-old student, Megan. Don’t worry, Megan! You’re still young…you’ve got plenty of time ahead of you for ginormous implants. Mark loves her blue eyes, and takes her over to join the rest of the girls poolside. He interviews that he’s hanging out with six beautiful young women in bikinis, and thinks he’s up for the challenge. Is that some sort of double entendre? ‘Cause I bet he’s up for the challenge.
Mark picks Tess and her enormous ta-ta’s for a one-on-one chat. Tess…doesn’t come across as the sharpest scalpel on the plastic surgeon’s tray. Props, by the way, to the NBC editors who included a shot of two enormous beach balls bouncing side-by-side past Mark and Tess as they’re talking. Hee hee. Lauren and Mary, impatient with sharing Mark, lure him and Tess into the pool. Mark is pretty much living out his wildest fantasy. However, once the crazy rock music stops playing, it’s actually pretty quiet and awkward. If only there were some worldly 40somethings to liven up the conversation!
The 40somethings, as it happens, are partying back on the 40th floor. You know, doing what all 40somethings do—shrieking as they lick whipped cream off one another, bouncing around, stripper dancing… Bust out some bikinis and hula hoops, and they’d be doing it up 20th floor-style. Definitely a livelier scene than up on the roof, where conversation is still nonexistent. As Mark he talks to all the women separately, he realizes that they are all still figuring out their career paths and lives, and don’t really know who they are yet (other than hot young babes). Mark isn’t finding the conversations hot at all. Not like those successful, barren 40somethings. Oh, the dilemma! He manages to make a connection with Adelaide, flirtress extraordinaire. Mary is disappointed with her performance.
Host Mark shows up to tear Mark away from the hotties, and tells the ladies that some of them have a date coming up, but others won’t see Mark again until elimination. Mark isn’t pleased with the 20somethings’ performance, and claims he misses the older women. Okay, Mark. Whatever you say. It looked like you were enjoying Tessa’s chest quite a bit from where I was sitting.
Mark looks forward to his date with the 40somethings, which is… roller skating? To remind Mark that the 40somethings grew up in an era when roller disco was actually cool, instead of retro? They have to put on humiliating 70’s costumes, which they sort of seem to enjoy. Whatever, desperados. They skate their old lady asses off, putting Mark to shame. It’s all fun and games until someone breaks a hip, guys.
Meanwhile, on the 20th floor, Mary is sobbing inconsolably due to her lack of alone time and awkward interactions with Mark. Apparently, “[She] had the power within [her] to prevent all of this!” Um, yeah, by not being a fame whore and coming on this show. Or is that not what you meant? The house is “somber.” No bikini hula-hooping today, y’all.
Back at the roller disco, the 40somethings have a limbo contest to win alone time with Mark. Incidentally, Lynn’s entire ass is hanging out of her costume. These chicks are very good sports. Angela wins, ish. During couples’ skate, she expresses her surprise to Mark that he thought she was shy. Jen, the oldest contestant at 48, interrupts Angela’s alone time with Mark. After he complements her youthful looks, she claims “good genetics.” Sure, if by “genetics” you mean “plastic surgeons.” Mark freaks out a bit at the thought that Jen’s old enough to be his mom.
Mark picks Amanda, Adelaide, and Megan for his date with the 20somethings. Mary’s a bit too dumb to work the fancy cell phone the girls have been provided, incidentally. Amanda, cleverly but incorrectly, wonders if maybe Mark picked the girls he was considering eliminating instead of the girls he’s interested in. The chosen few head over to his place for an evening of Dance Dance Revolution, ‘cause that’s what the kids are into these days.
Mark “had a chance to see a side of Megan that [he] never saw before.” Before, as in during the one previous interaction you had with her? Riiight. He finds her fun to be around, anyway. Mark feels that the girls in general did a good job representing the 20somethings. Before they leave, though, Adelaide asks for a minute alone with Mark. Dun dun DUUUUN! The other girls aren’t really on board with it, but can’t do anything about it. So…Amanda tries to hold a glass (or a conch shell?) to the door to listen in. Adelaide basically tells Mark that she’s into him, and wants to break out of her shell when she’s around him. Mark’s happy to hear it. Well-played, Adelaide! Amanda doesn’t necessarily feel the group date went as well for her.
The 40somethings discuss the upcoming elimination while the 20somethings drink to the 40somethings, “with their crow’s feet and saggy boobs.” Ah, Tessa. Your boobs are certainly anything but saggy. They could save small children from drowning. Mary jokes about menopause, thereby karmically ensuring herself a future filled with hot flashes and a waning sex drive.
Apparently, tonight Mark has to send one woman from each age group home. So…not so much choosing between the two yet, eh, NBC? The 40something women congregate on the rooftop, and Mark fears invoking their mighty wrath, subdued with Botox though it may be. And then, the bombshell: the 20somethings descend from a slut-evator, wrecking the 40somethings’ hopes of happiness and hot tennis star sex forever and ever. Mark looks like he wants to throw up. Poor guy. Come by my place and I’ll comfort you, Mark! I won’t even judge you for doing this show (much), I promise!
The 20somethings stand next to the 40somethings, who despair at first, but quickly rally back with nervous laughter. The 20somethings take offense, assuming they are being laughed at. It only lasts for about 10 seconds, but trust me, it’s hilarious (especially the quick shot of Mary trying to look dignified in the face of what she sees as open ridicule). God, this show is amazing. It’s the little moments, you guys.
After Host Mark explains the premise of the show, Mark has to make his decisions (made much less suspenseful by the fact that he won’t have to choose which age he prefers at all). He restates that age is but a number, and calls Tessa to the front of the class. Making a valiant effort at eye contact, Mark asks her and her knockers to stay. Maria’s up next, and also gets asked to stay. Mary, Jayanna, Megan, Lynn, Amanda, and Kelli are all still in as well.
That leaves Lauren and Adelaide on the 20something side, and things don’t work out so well for Lauren. He just doesn’t see himself attracted to her (‘cause she’s all of 27 years old, I bet). Adelaide, of course, is still in. On the 40something side, we have Jen and Angela. Mark tells Jen that he feels like there could be something there, and asks her to stay. Seriously? Well, okay… That sucks for Angela—I really liked her! Mark just didn’t feel the connection with her, and tearfully says he doesn’t see it working out. Tears all around. Next week, the competition gets ugly. Well, uglier.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Age of Love: Why, Mark? Why?
Age of Love, NBC's "great social experiment," is essentially a giant forum which perpetuates stereotypes of older and younger women under the guise of shattering those stereotypes. It is complete and total trash, and my heart goes out to every 40something contestant involved in this humiliating exercise. Okay, now that I've been a responsible feminist and gotten that out of the way, we can get to the dirt.
The show features Mark Philippoussis, an Australian tennis player and total hottie. (Yeah, FYI, I'm an enormous tennis fan and have had a crush on Mark Philippoussis since, like, forever. He's even cuter in person, in case you were wondering.) His tennis career peaked in the late 90's before being hampered by injury. He made a comeback back in 2003, but hasn't really been in the picture in the past couple seasons aside from a couple wildcard entries and early losses, contrary to the show's claim that he's "at the prime of his career." NBC has it right that he's a playah with the ladies, though--he supposedly cheated on his girlfriend with Paris Hilton! All of that said, I'd still claw any of these chicks' eyes out for a chance with Mark. The accent! The body! The great seats at tennis tournaments! Sure, people might mock our 1-foot-plus height difference, but Mark and I would just laugh it off. ...Ahem. Anyway. According to NBC, Mark "has everything...except someone to share his life with." (And two working knees and an active tennis career.) Apparently, Mark is looking for his future wife--the mother of his children. Riiight.
And now, we meet the contestants in their 40's. Ranging from 39 (heeey, waitaminute!) to 48, and with varying levels of plastic surgery, the ladies are all relieved that there are no "teenyboppers" present. The interviews are somewhat horrifying. Every single one is like, "I'm successful, happy, awesome in every way, and I love my life, but...OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO DIE CHILDLESS AND ALONE! MY OVARIES ARE DRYING UP AS WE SPEAK! HEEELP MEEE!!!" The stench of desperation, it is pungent.
Mark says he's always dated younger women. In fact, the last woman he dated was ten years younger than he is. So if he's thirty, and didn't just break up with her...the last woman he dated was a teenager? Right. Moving on. As the show repeatedly emphasizes, Mark would prefer "younger women in their 20's." I smell trouble! Or is that just the stench of desperation still lingering in the air?
One-by-one, on a romantic...rooftop at night...the women introduce themselves to Mark. Lynn, a 40-year-old makeup artist, is pretty cute. Mark seems a little thrown when she tells him she's 40. God, this is going to be painful. Kelli, a legal assistant, is also 40, and at least brings up the term "biological clock" in an interview in the context of hating it. Still, somehow I don't think that's the last we're going to hear of biological clocks. Jayanna, a 39-year-old mortgage officer, seems very nice. Jodie, a 46-year-old VP, looks way younger than her age, and Mark is very gracious and sweet about it. However, he's beginning to see a pattern.
Maria, a 42-year-old photographer, points out the stigma of an older woman dating a younger guy, and says "if the men can do it, I'm gonna do it." Right on, Maria. Angela's up next, a 40-year-old property manager. She married young, and is now divorced. She looks really young and sweet—more natural than some of the others. Mark is totally sweating. Jennifer, an assistant to the Lakers’ owner, asks Mark to guess her age. DANGER! DANGER!!! After an uncomfortable few moments of hemming and hawing, Mark guesses 37…too young, Mark! Keep it believable. Jennifer is 48. And has been under the knife a little, I’d imagine. She asks if he’d like to date an older woman, and he reflexively says yes as his eyes widen, his eyebrows raise, and beads of sweat practically drip down his forehead. Poor guy. This is how god punishes playahs and Paris Hilton-doers.
Mark sits down with the girls next to a fire…on the roof…and admits to them that they weren’t quite what he was expecting. He looks incredibly uncomfortable as they unsuccessfully try to put him at ease. He sits down for one-on-ones (and sometimes one-on-twos) with some of the women. Some have been married, some have kids—Angela has been married twice, and has a 21-year-old son. Kelli is pretty sure that she’s got the upper hand here, and repeats the bit about Angela’s grown child in the guise of a compliment ("She SO doesn't look young enough to have a 21-year-old!"), just to rub it in. Yeah, now that hottie’s in sight, there’s a little less camaraderie. Funny how that works. Kelli isn’t happy to be sharing “the guy [she’s] supposed to be dating.” Um, yeah...does she not understand how these dating shows work? Because she may be in for a bit of a disappointment if she thinks it supposed to be all "Kelli and Mark going on a picnic!" "Kelli and Mark taking a walk on the beach!" "Kelli and Mark eating dinner by candlelight!"
Mark says he's starting to think seriously about dating an older woman (albeit one that looks like a plastic version of a younger woman, if these are the choices) as he gets to know the contestants. He specifically mentions clicking with Maria. By the end of the interview, he calls age “a number,” and is looking forward to getting to know the women better. But then, um, other Mark (Could we not find a host with a different name from the contestant, NBC?) comes in and spoils the fun—apparently not all the women will get to go on a date with Mark before the first elimination. Gasp! Horrified faces all around! Well, they would be horrified if they weren’t all so botoxed, anyway.
Mark and Mark sit down for a one-on-one. Host Mark tells Mark that he’ll find out on the first date which women can keep up with him, before having to eliminate one of them. Mark calls for Jayanna, and invites she, Lynn, and Maria out on a date. He throws out a bunch of phony reasons why he picked each of them in his interview, but they’re clearly the youngest-looking of the bunch. Mark is looking for someone adventurous, and what better way to determine that than a date in which they…rappel down the side of a building? O...kay. I though they were going to be sky diving or something. However, this is going to be particularly rough on Jayanna, who is afraid of heights.
Meanwhile, the slut-copter is making its way to the house, and is filled with shrieking, egotistical, mean, scantily-clad 20-somethings. As a fellow 20-something female, I feel my kind is not being well-represented.
Back to the rappelling. The 40-somethings seem pretty nervous. It actually looks like mad fun to me, but I guess that’s why I’m a 20-something, right? Maria has a good time with it while Jayanna watches on, looking like she’s about to puke. Lynn is a bit of a scaredy cat about it, but nothing like Jayanna, who is panicking. You know, if she doesn’t take it too far, this could work in her favor—the whole “brave but vulnerable angle,” overcoming obstacles because she wants him sooo bad. She ends up having a good time with it, and (as predicted) Mark is impressed. In the end, he’s impressed with all of them, and he’s learned “not to judge a book by its cover.” He says that age has been “thrown out the window.” Cut to…
The 20somethings hula-hooping in bikinis at their new digs. Well, no one can say this show doesn’t accurately represent the two age groups. I was just doing some bikini hula-hooping this very evening, right before my naked trampolining. And cut to… The 40somethings cleaning and doing needlepoint. Jesus H. Christ. As an added detail, the 20something apartment is trendy and colorful, while the 40something apartment is pretty much entirely white and pale blue. Subtlety, thy name is NBC.
Mark and the women prepare for the first elimination. Mark calls the 40something digs, and asks to see Angela, Lynn, Jodie, and Jayanna. He’s really nice about the age thing when they all get up on the roof, admitting that it threw him for a loop, but saying they made him feel so comfortable that it’s “completely out of [his] mind.” He talks to Angela first (who is wearing a dress that’s shorter than I would feel comfortable in, by the way, which I feel only emphasizes that she's a 40-year-old trying to look 18), saying that she seemed a bit shy the night before. However, he asks her to stay. Lynn’s on the chopping block next, and Mark asks about a heart necklace she was wearing during the date. O..kay. He also asks her to stay. He talks to Jodie next, and says that while he really enjoyed their one-on-one conversation, he’s feeling more of a friend vibe with her. Ouch. She gets the cut. Now her dress, I love. He still calls Jayanna up in order to tell her that she blew him away on their date, and asks her to stay. Jayanna may be an evil master of dating show strategy. I picture her in the basement, feverishly watching The Bachelor on DVD while bathing in collagen-firming cream and stem cells.
Mark repeats that he doesn’t care anymore that the contestants are in their forties, and have ovaries that are desiccating by the minute. Thanks, NBC! The twist would have really lost its impact without that last anvil. Then, just before the end of the episode, Host Mark shows up to break the news that (Dun dun DUUUUNNN) …there are young, hot babes in the house! Next week: The 40somethings react to their young, hot competition.
