On the Lot: Okay, that's it.

It is with great pleasure that I announce to you that I am no longer watching On the Lot, mostly because it is a giant turd of a show that I could barely sit through, even when fast-forwarding through every section involving Adrianna "nodding emphatically with each line is what I call good delivery!" Costa. Seriously, the show is a giant piece of crap. How do I hate thee, On the Lot? Let me count the ways (in no particular order).

1. It's boring. For reals.
2. The contestant films are largely stupid and unimaginative, and the ones that aren't total garbage aren't that much better than whatever I'd be watching other than On the Lot, anyway.
3. I can't keep up with all the format changes.
4. Adrianna Costa.
5. Adrianna Costa.
6. Adrianna Costa.
7. Kenny's crappy movies. And Hilary's, and Jason's, and...
8. America refuses to get rid of Kenny for making the aforementioned crappy movies.
9. Gary Marshall is quite possibly going senile before our very eyes.
10. All the (extremely necessary) fast-forwarding is wearing out my DVR.
11. The guest judges are always better than the resident judges.
12. House reruns would get better ratings...and yet I have to watch this crap instead.
13. There is no mean British judge.
14. Going over On the Lot in my mind in order to come up with this list is making my brain liquefy and run out of my ears.
15. Aghlugmrshblachzzzzzzz........

So yeah, I'm putting my foot down before the next episode sends me into a coma. Goodbye, On the Lot. It's been truly horrible.

Click here to expand and view the full post

Click here to hide the full post

On the Lot: Yawn.

What the hell, America? You had your chance to get rid of Kenny and his completely insane, student film quality movie-making, and you passed it up? I mean, sure, Marty was an obnoxious, derivative, style-over-substance, egotistical jackhole, but- hmm...okay, America. I can live with this choice. But get rid of Kenny the next chance you get, okay? Okay.

This week, we had two terrible films, one mediocre film, one pretty good film, and one really good film. Respectively, those films' makers were Jessica (formerly of the nonsensical lightbulb movie), Jason (formerly of the movie making fun of the developmentally disabled), Mateen, Will, and Zach (formerly of one of my favorites so far). So...yeah. I guess this episode was pretty predictable. The guest judge was Wes Craven, though, so that's pretty cool.

Let's start with Jason. BloodBorn attempted some sort of quasi-X-Files, quasi-religious plot, in which a drug addict goes to give blood, finds out his blood is a magical panacea that cures all disease, and then gets a gun aimed at him in a drive by. (Dramatically cut to black.) It was weird. And not just because there were these bizarre heavy breathing sound effects, so you thought his breath turned back time or something (since we knew it was supernatural). You have not redeemed yourself, Jason. Better luck next time...if there is a next time.

Also in the "better luck next time" category is Jessica, whom I think will be spared because she's cute. But you never know--America could surprise me. Her movie The Orchard was, in theory, a horror movie from the perspective of a tree. In practice, it was a movie of a guy pruning a tree, combined with shrieky sound effects and weird green "tree vision." Yeah.

Moving up the crap-o-meter, we have Mateen, who has presented a soap opera in five minutes with Lost. Boring, pointless, melodramatic, and bland. Poor Mateen. I really thought he had potential! However, while it wasn't good by any means, it also wasn't actively bad, like the previous two. So at least there's that.

Will's Glass Eye was actually pretty good, if somewhat gross. It's a clever idea about a guy who discovers, when his glass eye pops out, that he can see out of it if he covers up the empty socket. Yeah, gross, but pretty cleverly executed, like a cute little silent movie. As the judges point out, though, this is the second of his movies in a row with no dialogue.

The best of the night, as the judges unanimously agree, was Zach's Sunshine Girl, a quirky fantasy about a girl who's scared of the dark and plucks the sun out of the sky to hold, plunging the world into darkness. The effects are subtle but fantastic, and it's pretty much just a great little story. Way to go, Zach!

As that was the last group of five to go, next week will probably be an entirely different format, knowing this show. Can't say I'm excited to see what's next. Can we start kicking off three people per episode or something, guys? Let's wrap this business up and move on to House reruns, which I'm pretty sure we'll all enjoy much, MUCH more.

Click here to expand and view the full post

Click here to hide the full post

On the Lot: Overcoming the boredom

It seems like most of America (aside from five or so apparently tasteless morons) has dealt with the immense boredom that is On the Lot by not watching it. Fair enough, America. I, on the other hand, have committed to watching this piece of garbage show for as long as possible. Thus, I will deal with the boredom by recapping through limerick. That's right, bitches--limerick. Here we go! First, the five films shown last night:

There once was an aspiring Scorsese
Whose music choice was pretty lazy
His talent was clear
Though it was no Cape Fear
But his main character was freaking crazy

There once was a random contender
Whose films I just could not remember
His nerds were too cute
Don’t give him the boot
Though his chances of winning seem slender

There once was a guy with bad hair
Whose films were more than I could bear
He thinks he’s so deep
Making all of us weep
How could he be so unaware?

There once was a braggart named Marty
Who thought he was so very arty
Thought his green film had style
It made no one smile
Now he could be leaving the party

There once was a talented dame
Whose son’s acting is no claim to fame
Her writing was funny
Films with sex make money
So she may be ahead of the game

In case you couldn't tell from my mad rhyming skillz, my favorites (in order) were Shira-Lee's Beeline and Andrew's Polished. My least favorites were Kenny's Edge on the End and Marty's Dance with the Devil. Moving on to the results...

There once was a chick with no class
Whose “comedies” really sucked ass
Her film was so crude
I actually booed
But America gave her a pass

There once was a cutie named Trever
Whose golf film was a little clever
He got voted out
Which just made me pout
Given Hilary’s awful endeavor

Yes, America kept the woman whose character peed on a bus (no, I can't get over it--and her last film was no great shakes, either), and eliminated the guy with a derivative but passable latest film and a legitimately decent comedy short. Sigh. Here's hoping that Kenny's angsty student film finally gets him booted next week!

Click here to expand and view the full post

Click here to hide the full post

On the Lot: Mighty Morphin' Reality Show

Fox has changed the format of On the Lot yet again, this time to my great benefit. The show has been cut down to one hour a week (they'll combine the screening and results shows), and is only screening five short films per week. I'm breathing a giant sigh of relief here. And here's a helpful hint: If you DVR the show and fast-forward through all the "Which contestant will screen their film next?" and "Vote for this guy" crap (pretty much anything involving Adrianna), you can cut the show down to a solid, watchable 35 minutes.

Our guest judge this week was Transformers director Michael Bay, who seemed to have generally helpful criticism (unlike Gary Marshall, who spent most of his time coming up with nonsensical one-liners). The films were all three-minute shorts made in five days (four comedies, one documentary). The best was Dough: The Musical, a musical about a baker searching for love and a woman searching for a job, by new favorite Adam. And because it was awesome, not just because I'm biased towards musical comedy. The worst was new least-favorite Hilary's The First Time I Met the Finkelsteins, a completely pedestrian "Girlfriend Meets Boyfriend's Family" story.

Of the remaining three, Sam's Broken Pipe Dreams was reasonably funny, if a bit slow at one point; Trevor's Teri (Blind Date) was a fair idea that could have been better-executed; and Shalini's Laughing Out Loud: A Comic Journey was well-directed stylistically, but very predictable message-wise (and good on you, Carrie Fisher, for pointing it out). Everyone seemed to like Shalini's and Adam's movies best, and Hilary's worst. So...I'm guessing this is the last we'll see of Little Miss Peeing on the Bus.

Overall, it was a hugely more watchable episode than last week's bloated monstrosities, but I still have a few big problems with the show. First, the directors are being judged on their writing as well as their directing, which doesn't seem entirely fair or realistic if the competition is supposed to be based on directing skills. Second, both sets of short films we've seen were filmed in the contestants' hometowns, which means that a) all films were made before the contestants came to LA to be judged, so that the contestants aren't able to incorporate the judges' advice into their next short films; and b) contestants living in rural areas are heavily penalized when it comes to casting competent actors (and probably when it comes to crews and equipment, as well). Hilary's film, shot in rural New Hampshire, suffered because of amateur acting, whereas Adam's film, shot in LA, was amazing in part because he cast great actors who could sing, too.

That said, I could give a damn about how fair this show is or isn't, and from the ratings, so could America.

Click here to expand and view the full post

Click here to hide the full post

On the Lot: Are we done yet?

I'm gonna be straight with you guys here: I didn't watch On the Lot last night. I had sat through two hours of coma-inducing boredom the night before, and couldn't force myself to watch an hour-long show that was almost entirely filler. And it's a good thing, too, since even READING about America's terrible, terrible taste made me want to go outside and start slapping people silly. How terrible is America's taste? Jason's Getta Rhoom, which pretty blatantly mocked the developmentally disabled, was one of America's top three shorts. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: You suck, America.

Rounding out the top three were Zach's Danger Zone (awesome), and Will's Lucky Penny, (obvious and barely amusing). And who got cut? I'll give you a hint: The guy that made the worst minute of film I've ever seen (and that includes Manos: The Hands of Fate) is still in. So's the woman who made a movie about someone peeing on the bus. So's the guy who made a one-minute trailer for a movie instead of an actual movie. One of my honorable mentions, on the other hand, didn't make the cut. Sorry, Phil--go back to Britain, where they'll appreciate your talent. Also out were Carolina and Claudia, whose movies were certainly weird, but far from the worst.

Happily, it seems, most of America is with me in being reluctant to watch this turd of a show, so maybe it's just that those who do watch (and actually bother to vote) already have such a high tolerance for suckiness, it's a skewed sample.

Click here to expand and view the full post

Click here to hide the full post

On the Lot: So. Very. Long. (That's what she said.)

Does it seem to anyone else like On the Lot is on, like, twelve hours a week? Because I feel like it's eating up a substantial portion of my weeknights. And yet, somehow I managed to miss the last audition episode due to the vagaries of the Fox schedule. For reals, I'm still not sure when that sucker aired. Anyway, last night was the two hour premiere of the actual show, with the final 18 contestants and the fancy theater with the studio audience and the new host. It was...long. Really, really long. Mind-numbingly, soul-wrenchingly long.

Brett Crapner (RATner? Fatner? Ratnerd? I don't like him, at any rate...) is gone, and now it seems like our permanent judges are Carrie Fisher and Gary Marshall (who, it seems, thinks women can't or shouldn't do bathroom humor) plus a guest judge (this week, Disturbia director D.J. Caruso). And they are very...forgiving. Think three sober Paula's. I realize that the acerbic Brit has become a bit of a Reality TV judging cliché, and I by no means demand another Simon (much as I love him), but last night was a bit absurdly lovey-dovey. In every other way, this show appears to be an American Idol clone, format-wise. Tonight's challenge: one-minute comedy shorts.

The very good: Adam's Dance Man, which played on my love for overly serious British narrators and was oddly rockin'. Zach's Danger Zone, which took advantage of his mad special effects skillz without letting them overwhelm the piece. Shira-Lee's Check Out, which was funny, clever, well-acted, and generally awesome. Sam's Replication Theory, which was very funny considering it was based entirely on a fart joke, and probably made the most of anyone out of the allotted one minute. (Honorable mentions: Trever and Phil.)

The disgusting: Well, a lot of them. But most notably for me, Hilary's Bus #1, about a woman who pees in a coffee cup on the bus. And believe it or not, it just goes downhill from there (and yes, that could be referring to the urine running downhill after she throws the cup out the window).

The truly terrible: Kenny's Wack Alley Cab, for which the expression "WTF?!" was created. So. Freaking. Weird. And also impossible to follow. The remaining short films were either rather unfunny, difficult to follow, poorly-made, or all of the above. And yet, I sat through all of them. With a set of commercials between every two films. And no, I can't say it was worth it. Hopefully, this will get more tolerable as the judges grow bitter and hardened (like me), and the crappy contestants are eliminated. (I'm counting on you for that one, America. Make it happen.)

Click here to expand and view the full post

Click here to hide the full post

On the Lot: Dun dun DUUUUNNN!

...Okay. I just caught the second episode of On the Lot, and this show is something I can work with. I think the half-hour episode left less room for squabbling, or something, because I found the show substantially more tolerable this week. As you may recall, the groups are still working feverishly on their 24-hour short films, and the Marty vs. Jeff: Battle of the Whiny Egomaniacs continues (with the third team member, who is apparently mute, standing by). But, thank god, we do get to see some other teams this week.

We've got Zach, who has promised his team a lot in terms of special effects, and absolutely has to deliver. We have Kenny, who is becoming more and more obnoxious with every passing second, and his two hapless teammates, Hannah and Jessica, who try to do the best they can with his footage, while getting in the occasional dig about his lack of a film school education. Okay, so we don't get to see that many other teams. The show's editors try and pump up the boring "sitting at the computer editing" scenes with completely overwrought film soundtrack music, which is hi-LARIOUS ("dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN!"), and then we move on to the judging.

This week, Gary Marshall is out, and producer/director Jon Avnet is in. We finally get to see a few films (you can see the rest here), and two of them are GREAT. The first, Random Acts of Kindness is an offbeat piece about a woman trying to do something nice for a homeless man. If you ask me, almost anything with an overly serious British narrator is bound to be a winner. The second, Time Out, is about a couple whose fighting stops time. Zach's special effects blow the roof off of this one. None of these films' directors are eliminated.

The other two films we see are those by the two fighting groups. And they're...not quite as good. Although to be fair, I think much of the trouble here isn't due to fighting, or lack of talent, but rather genre choice. The two great shorts were quirky little gems, which seem to work much better in this format than actual dramatic stories. Whatever the reason, neither really seemed to make that much sense or hold together very well for me. Jessica's and Marty's directing stood out above the rest, and the judges recognize Kenny's cinematography as excellent as well (I beg to differ). Hannah gets booted from the Kenny/Jessica/Hannah group, and Jeff gets booted from the Jeff vs. Marty + Mute Guy group. Whatev. In tomorrow's episode, the contestants will be shooting a one-page script in one hour, without having slept in 48 hours. (Soundtrack: "Dun dun DUUUUNNN!!!")

Click here to expand and view the full post

Click here to hide the full post

On the Lot: Brett Ratner? Seriously?

So I caught the premiere of On the Lot, Fox's new filmmaking reality show, the other night. A Mark Burnett/Stephen Spielberg venture, On the Lot features 50 aspiring filmmakers competing for a $1 million development deal with DreamWorks. Good news: It's got potential. Bad news: It wasn't engaging enough to keep my attention--I pulled out my laptop halfway through and started checking my email.

I think one of the problems is the huge number of contestants, which has resulted in lengthy "audition rounds" to cut some of the fat, which most reality shows don't bother with until future seasons when they have an established viewership. The audition rounds are fine and all--it was actually fairly interesting seeing all the contestants take prompts (or "log lines," apparently) such as "a crate from a secret military base is accidentally delivered to a suburban family" and turn them into full-fledged movie pitches. It's just that I've now spent an hour watching these amateur filmmakers compete, but because there are too many contestants for any level of focus, I have yet to see more than a split-second of their work. Is it professional-quality? Is it a dude in the backyard with a camcorder? Beats me! A few clips of the audition films they sent in would have gone a long way. Much further, in fact, than a few other things eating up time on the show, such as the Academy Awards-style montage about how awesome movies are (especially Indiana Jones), or the Universal Studios backlot tour, featuring the War of the Worlds set and a Jaws attraction. (See a pattern here? And to think I almost forgot Spielberg was producing.)

There also seems to be a substantial bias towards commercial filmmaking. Fair enough, I suppose, and unsurprising given the judges. We have Princess Leia, Gary Marshall, and Brett Ratner, the man solely responsible for ruining the X-Men franchise. Asshole. Also problematic is the amount of time they spend focusing on in-fighting amongst the contestant groups while the teams scramble to make a movie in 24 hours. In fact, at least 75% of the time they spend showing us that challenge is spent on the fighting between two members of one team (of twelve teams total). How about showing a little filmmaking, guys? At least in the first episode? Pretty please? I promise you can devolve into a show about conflict, rather than talent, in future seasons, à la Top Chef.

That said, I really like the concept, and I'm willing to hang around long enough to see the contestants' work. Assuming we ever get past these audition rounds.

Click here to expand and view the full post

Click here to hide the full post