Yes, it was rated TV-PG. What about it?
The fact is, we didn't get introduced to anyone on Pirate Master last week except the captain, his officers, and the three people he put up for elimination, so as I'm watching the credits this week, I find myself confronted with these anonymous people that I know I've never heard from before. Nessa, Jupiter, Azmyth, Christa, Laurel, Kendra – who are these people? Did they just get here? I've just finished the second episode and these random people are still cropping up. The show is not doing a good job of introducing the entire cast. They're only showing you the people they can make story arcs for. But if you watch, say, Project Runway, you can pretty much identify every designer, even the uninteresting ones, by the end of the first episode. At least give us interviews so we can put names with the faces, please, Pirate Master. There's one silent blond girl who's still completely throwing me. (She exists, right? I mean, the rest of the crew can see her? She's not a pirate ghost?)
So this week is all about what a bad captain Joe Don is. He feasts on bacon and eggs while the crew gets gruel, he sits on his ass while the crew swabs the deck and raises anchor, he stands around while everyone else jumps into the snakepit and searches for the treasure, and he still gets half the treasure. Everybody's complaining. Nobody thinks it's fair. And yet – no one does anything about it. Not a single person votes to mutiny against the captain. Which is strange, because they just got done with a Pirate's Court in which the crew aired their grievances and frustrations with the captain, so you'd think that Joe Don would get at least one vote. Specifically, Louie's, since we hardly see Louie in this episode but he's interviewing about how the captain has to go. Do they all just like complaining or does Joe Don have some power of blackmail over the entire crew?
And as for the elimination – look, last week's elimination at least made some sense. John was a nutty, nutty compass kidnapper/exotic dancer. This week, the crew is presented with three nominees, all of whom are chosen for their perceived physical weaknesses. Kendra can't swim, Joy hurt her knee, and Christian is big but slow. So, with what seems like a tremendous lack of foresight, because they'll feel his absence swabbing the deck tomorrow, they send home Christian. Meanwhile, I am left with questions which will probably never be answered. Was it because Christian called for a mutiny? Why won't anyone vote for Joe Don? And how many other crew members are hiding in the rigging?
Friday, June 08, 2007
Pirate Master: Did You Hear About the Pirate Reality Show?
Friday, June 01, 2007
Pirate Master: I'm Your Pirate Master, a Master for Money...
Finally, it's here. I've been anticipating this show for weeks now. When I first heard about Pirate Master, I thought it was just trashy enough to be awesome. And then I heard that one of the cast members described himself as a "scientist/exotic dancer," and that's when I knew it was going to be trashy awesome.
The show is Survivor with pirates; it doesn't pretend to be anything other than that. Actually, that's not true, because it does have its own carefully constructed mythology, something about a pirate named Henry Steel and a treasure that he conveniently divided up into 14 portions, exactly long enough for this show's run. Awfully obliging of him. At every stop, they use treasure maps to navigate to, well, treasure. This episode also has the crew choose a captain, only to find out later that he will be sharing private quarters and most of the booty with his mates, and will be deciding, along with his officers, which crew members will be up on the chopping block at Pirate Court, their version of Tribal Council. Naturally, this causes no small amount of resentment among the grunts. And while the crew can mutiny and overthrow the captain, there's one person who annoys them more than any amount of unfair advantage the captain gets. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
As with any Burnett show, the casting department has done its job, and there's a colorful crew, to say the least, populating this ship. There's firefighter Joe Don, who's the first captain; Rupert lookalike Louie; former NFL player Christian; and Joy, who's got a good attitude and a bad case of seasickness. Then there's Cheryl, who doesn't want to tell anyone that she's a deputy district attorney because she thinks her understanding of criminal behavior gives her an advantage. You know, because pirates are criminals. However, as no one there is actually a pirate, the point is kind of moot.
But you want to know about the scientist/exotic dancer, don't you? Yeah, you do. His name is John, and if you didn't see him, imagine a refugee from an '80s new wave band, with long black hair and a headband. When we first meet him, he's trying to get Joy to do a pirate jig, and then whispering creepily in her ear that he doesn't think there are any pirate jigs. Poor Joy looks about as weirded out by this as you'd expect. And while John is smart – he's the one who figures out where the treasure is and wins it for his crew – he gets all pouty and whiny when everyone else doesn't appreciate how smart he is. And then, when he ends up as one of the candidates for elimination, he steals the ship's compasses – no, for real – and is all, "Unless you want to drift about aimlessly forever, you'd better keep me in the game!" Joe Don smacks him down mightily, explaining how he can navigate without compasses – they're called the stars and the sun, Mr. Scientist – although his point is a little dulled by the fact that it's a cloudy night, and he can't figure out where north is at exactly that moment. But it's enough to make John look like even more of an idiot, and he earns himself a unanimous vote back to the exotic dance lab.
The verdict: it's exactly the sort of mindless, juicy reality show that makes summer TV fun. Plus it's got pirates, and pirates are so hot right now.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Pirate Master: Just When I Thought It Couldn't Sound Any Stranger...
The cast list for the craziest-sounding series of the summer, Pirate Master (a Mark Burnett production, in case you were wondering) has just been announced, and after reading it, I am as intrigued as Zap2it.com about the scientist/Chippendale dancer. There must be a cheat in there somewhere, like "scientist" as a euphemism for "grad student," but I can see why. You list your occupation as scientist/Chippendale dancer, and Burnett's going to be all over it.
