Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Model abuse!

Tonight on Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, we've got some fatties, some prudes, some drunks, and some crybabies. So...pretty much your average episode. (Incidentally, why is this show an hour long this season? It really, really did better with the half-hour episodes. Filler sucks.)

We rejoin Janice as she's basically calling Traci fat, complete with the hilarious claim that "the camera adds 10-15 pounds, and that's why models are emaciated." Okay, so is she actually naming emaciation as the goal here? SIGH. After barely fitting into Janice's size 4 skirt, Traci receives an ultimatum: lose the weight, or get dropped from the agency. Kehoe comforts her, and we get the slo-mo face close-ups of burgeoning model love. Speaking of model love, Crystal, back in LA, meets up with Chris Jones, who kindly offers to let her stay with him rather than sleep in her car. And since she elected to sleep in her car the previous night rather than call him, I'm gonna say he's a bit more into her than she's into him.

At the Fashion L.A. magazine shoot, Crystal and Nyabel are totally psyched to be working together, Peter is psyched that the agency got the gig, and the client is psyched with their performance. In the meantime, Janice is recruiting new models at California Pizza Kitchen, where Janice "happened to be eating lunch." Janice eats at CPK? I'm skeptical, but I guess the agency is in a mall... Anyway, Dominique is a cute redhead with an iffy walk, but commercial potential.

At a new/old model gathering at the Agency, Grasie, a new model, wonders if Kehoe and his roommate Grant are gay. They deny it, but Gracie and CC are still skeptical. Kehoe wisely changes the subject to nudity and its perennial presence at JDMA, and Dominique is Not On Board. Moving on, we've got a couple of castings! The first is for Go Software, an intriguingly-named men's underwear line looking for 2-3 guys. The six finalists, I think, are Kehoe, Ryan, Payton, Chris Jones, Ricardo, Ron (?), and Maurice. Sorry, but Janice's collagen-filled lips sometimes have difficulty forming distinct words.

Next up for casting: Open Your Eyes, one of the biggest Latino men's magazines. CC and her giant rack rock the casting, while Nadia and Toi (who had to lie about being part-Latina) also get chosen. Maria, on the other hand, feels that all the jobs within the Latin Division go to curvier models, and meets with Janice to see if it's really the right place for her. Janice's sensitive response: "Are you Latin?" Though to be fair, the "I don't know?" sniffly response isn't what I expected. Janice susses out that Maria is feeling insecure about how skinny she is, and gives her a pep talk on rejection before agreeing to audition her for other gigs. (Where, Janice points out privately, she'll be in competition with models like Crystal, Desiree, and Nyabel, which, true that.)

At the Open Your Eyes shoot, the girls are joined by a fourth model, not from Janice's agency. When Janice shows up, she's excited that her models will be posing with comedian Joey Medina, but pissed when CC tells her that another model will be in the shot with them. She's somewhat placated when they say that the model will just be the bartender in the shoot, but says that "there's always some kind of surprise on these shoots." If by "surprise," you mean, "manufactured drama," then yes! True! CC and her giant boobs rock the shoot, while Nadia is tense and trying too hard, and Toi is nervous at first, but works it out in the end. With Janice's direction, the shoot goes pretty well, and her models get all the attention.

Over at the Go Software shoot, things are going pretty well until Kehoe's photos look a bit tired. The client totally busts Kehoe on "smelling like a Bloody Mary," which Kehoe attributes to his drinking two bottles of wine alone last night. Dude, if that's your probably fake excuse, that's pretty poor. When Janice arrives, she's kind of pissed at some of the guys lounging around the pool and acting unprofessional with water guns, but that's nothing compared to the tornado of fury that's unleashed when the client tells her that Kehoe's breath "smelled like a vodka bottle." Janice apologizes for him, but flips out on Kehoe in private, slapping him in the face multiple times "to sober him up" after smelling his breath and hearing he was drinking the night before. Draaamaaaa!

Later, Chris and Kehoe have a water gun fight, and Chris squirts Kehoe's underwear, leading the client and Janice to assume that he peed himself. Wow, from bad to worse. Janice sends him and Chris away, but the client lets them back in the shoot, totally undermining her disciplinary actions, but probably a good thing in the end. The final shot is with Janice, because wherever she goes, she's always the star. The client ends up happy, despite the models' "wild antics." (Oooh, squirt guns and a hangover! So wild! So crazy!)

Up next? A nude posing gig for a senior citizens' art class, to help the models with their inhibitions. Dude, I had to work off of live models a few times for my sculpture class in high school, and it was always Un. Comfortable. They're just there, posing, naked. For, like, two hours. And usually not as hot as Janice's models, to boot. Sometimes to an extreme degree. But enough memories--bring on the uncomfortable models!

Brian impresses the artists, and Janice, after some awkward discussion of his testicular area. Kehoe is totally comfortable with the situation, and rocks it out. Grasie and Grant pose together, and while Grasie is a bit nervous that the old people remind her of her grandparents, Grant is far more worried that he might enjoy the situation a little too much. Money quote after the fact: "I felt really good about myself for not getting turned on." I think I may love Grant the most. Danny and CC are nervous at first, but end up doing well. Dominique, on the other hand, is totally not cool with posing nude, playing the Catholic card. Unfortunately, we won't know until the next episode whether she gives in to sin (though the previews kind of give a lot of it away--and it involves "Models for Jesus"). Can't wait!