Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: So...much...grease...

Tonight on Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, "the [male] models must cast aside all inhibition for a rugged portrayal of manliness." Which takes the form of the most homoerotic photo shoot you could ever conceive of. We're talking gallons of grease, plus denim underwear and painted-on ass tans. It's intense. And also one of the reasons I not-so-secretly love this show. (Hilaaarious!)

We rejoin the models at the Rufskin shoot, where Christian, Michael, Danny, and Maurice are drinking and sweating their way into gay soft-porn stardom. Janice, as we know, wasn't cool with the drinking part. And wow, there is So. Much. Crack. Like, right in our faces. Danny breaks thousands of gay hearts by confirming that he's straight (along with the other models in the shoot), even though he seems very comfortable posing in a denim thong.

Seriously, this is insane. These dudes are in underwear, greased up with water pouring on them, lying on top of each other and coming within an inch of face-to-package contact. Janice is proud of them like their mothers never will be. You should be able to see some of the Rufskin pictures here, if you have a "greasy guys in scraps of denim" fetish.

Moving on, we've got a new client--SensiClear. And the head guy wants to book all of Janice's models with the worst possible skin, since he's selling an acne control product. They'll all use the product for a month, and then one will be selected to appear in infomercials for a year. Janice, of course, doesn't have any models with even one blackhead, because her agency recruits naught but perfection itself. Thus, open casting call! For, um, models with bad skin.

Scandalous sideplot--Nathan and Traci are going on a date! ...Because Traci thought it wasn't enough to be on Janice's bad side weight-wise. She wanted to seal her tomb completely by dating Janice's son. Oh, Traci. Such a bad call. Janice will CUT you. And I don't mean from the agency, either. She's old school. Nathan (or a producer) decides that JP will chaperone with a blind date, amusingly enough. The perfect guy for JP? Rodrigo, from the agency's Latino division. JP is on board.

Nathan has arranged a crazy ego-mobile, with huge flat-screen TVs on the side showing evidence of why Traci is "the hottest girl in the agency." Um...adorable? They head off to a water park, where JP and Rodrigo hit it off big time (seriously, really cute), and Traci finds herself trying to bring Nathan out of his shell. I kind of tear up a little when JP describes what it means to him to be comfortable kissing another guy in public. Shut up. It's really sweet and touching and awesome.

At the restaurant, JP and Rodrigo share another kiss and eagerly agree to go out again, while Traci and Nathan do some smooching in a different booth. Nathan gives the necessary "I'm still a playa"-type quote, and once she finds out about Nathan and Traci, Janice is furious. (Because he's dating a model, or because it's Traci the "fatty"?) She says that you can't mix business with pleasure, which seems fair, but then goes off the deep end by asking what would happen if "one of these girls" (um, Traci is the only one) stuck pins in his condoms. There's a whole crazy interview where she yells about favoritism, too. In the end, she asks that he promise not to go out with her again, and he confirms that he likes being single.

Of course, Janice has to chat with Traci, too. First question: "So, how's my son in bed?" Oof. Traci says that they just went on a date, and are just having fun, and then realizes that she's not doing such a good job separating her personal life and her job. Janice asks that Traci not date Nathan anymore, and Traci agrees. Well, that was anti-climatic.

Back to the actual modeling agency stuff, it's time for the SensiClear open call! Man, there's nothing I love more on a Tuesday night than watching close-ups of people's acne on my TV screen. (Note to God: Please do not karmically afflict me with cystic acne.) Acne dude interviews the prospective models about their skin issues and attempts at self-medication using urine (yes, urine...no, I can't even make a joke about that), and Janice also introduces him to six of her existing models with skin problems. Even though she already said that none of her models have skin problems. CC, in particular, does some hardcore crying. Way to sell it, CC. Acne guy and Janice agree that CC is totally the girl.

However, they need to pick a bunch of models, to make sure the product works on someone, so a number of models from the open call get picked. One that doesn't get picked (cough*urinegirl*cough) starts sobbing, and Janice basically pressures acne guy to include her. When he does, she sobs harder, and all the other models start clapping, but you know they're all hating her and her extra screen time.

CC interviews that Janice has become almost like a second mom to her, which disturbs me on a number of levels. Janice takes CC to a spa day, and CC loves the one-on-one time with her completely dysfunctional surrogate mom. Janice and CC get into a deep talk about their common childhood issues (CC's mom was an alcoholic), and I guess it's actually good that CC has someone to share with, though it's a bit sad that she's having to cry through her issues on national television.

But don't get too invested in that plot, because on JDMA, we flash from one thing to the next like nobody's business. We're off to a casting for the Jack Henry boutique, which is about to open to the public. Obnoxiously, the owner, Tia, has decided to use labeled polaroids of models for all the exclusive designer stuff she sells instead of price tags. Um, absurd. Like, "Hey, someone already wore this! For long enough to do a photo shoot in it! Enjoy the sweat stains!"

The girls try on the clothes and take photos in them in the casting, and Tia has a crazy high-concept idea about emotions and styles that leads to her choosing Nyabel, Crystal, and Erika. This will be Erika's first real job. And she has a giant, alien-like forehead. Tia also chooses to put an option on Ligia, just in case.

At the shoot, it's assembly-line style, with high pressure to do well quickly. Crystal rocks it, Nyabel also does well (provoking a clip-fest of how much Peter and Janice fought about her), and Erika totally bombs. She gets a pep talk (money quote from the photographer: "We're selling clothes today; we're not selling boring attitudes. Come on!"), then a lesson by Tia, and still doesn't work it out, leaving Tia with no choice but to discuss it with Janice. Aaaand, scene.

Next week: Um, Erika still sucks, and Janice and Peter are still fighting. Yeah.