Age of Love: Meet the Kittens

“The Great Dating Experiment Continues…” We rejoin Mark as a curtain drops, revealing six 20somethings striking their sluttiest fiercest poses. Sadly for Mark, he won’t get to meet them until the next morning. Later, on the 20th floor (thanks for making it easy for me, NBC!), the 20somethings hang out in their underwear, discussing the lack of competition due to the bountiful number of eggs in their ovaries (seriously). Nice to see they still have a team mentality. I wonder how long that’ll last.

Hey, NBC got some intern to look up “age” in Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations, and we’re treated to this educational gem: “It’s all that the young can do for the old, to shock them and keep them up to date” –George Bernard Shaw. Wow, that quotation replenished about twelve of the fifty IQ points I’ve lost watching this show so far. Thanks again, NBC!

Meanwhile, on the 40th floor, the elderly contestants obsess over Mark and the date he must be planning. Um, yeah, because Mark totally plans all these dates himself. Last week he was all, “Hmm…a picnic in the park? A walk on the beach? No, I think we’ll rappel down a 12-story building.”

The 20somethings head up to the roof in their bikinis, ready to meet Mark. And they’re doing it in broad daylight, not under the cover of darkness like the 40somethings. Feel the shame of your advanced age, 40somethings! You must hide from the sun like the monstrosities that you are! Mark is pretty darn psyched to meet the meat. I mean, meet the intelligent, capable, not at obnoxiously mean 20somethings.

Lauren, a 27-year-old lighting designer, isn’t very worried about the competition. Start worrying, Lauren—even you are a bit older than Mark’s average girlfriend. Mark thinks she’s hot. Next up is Adelaide, a 26-year-old photojournalist who claims to have been born in Australia. Mark thinks she’s beautiful. Then we have Amanda, a 25-year-old “hockey team dancer.” Mark’s all, “I love Amanda’s enormous, round, perky, silicon…um…smile. She’s got a great smile.” Amanda wants a man who’s really “ready to get into this,” and do more than “just play a game.” Um…you’re on a dating show, Amanda. The whole thing’s a game. Did they siphon off some gray matter to fill those saline bags you’ve got hanging off of your chest?

Next, we have Mary, a 24-year-old dialysis technician who’s a bit of an awkward talker. Tessa, a 23-year-old in surgical sales, thinks she brings “a sense of humor,” “great morals,” and “great thoughts” to the table. I assume that’s along with her enormous pair of fake breasts. Mark readily admits his difficulty maintaining eye contact. Next is the comparatively flat-chested 21-year-old student, Megan. Don’t worry, Megan! You’re still young…you’ve got plenty of time ahead of you for ginormous implants. Mark loves her blue eyes, and takes her over to join the rest of the girls poolside. He interviews that he’s hanging out with six beautiful young women in bikinis, and thinks he’s up for the challenge. Is that some sort of double entendre? ‘Cause I bet he’s up for the challenge.

Mark picks Tess and her enormous ta-ta’s for a one-on-one chat. Tess…doesn’t come across as the sharpest scalpel on the plastic surgeon’s tray. Props, by the way, to the NBC editors who included a shot of two enormous beach balls bouncing side-by-side past Mark and Tess as they’re talking. Hee hee. Lauren and Mary, impatient with sharing Mark, lure him and Tess into the pool. Mark is pretty much living out his wildest fantasy. However, once the crazy rock music stops playing, it’s actually pretty quiet and awkward. If only there were some worldly 40somethings to liven up the conversation!

The 40somethings, as it happens, are partying back on the 40th floor. You know, doing what all 40somethings do—shrieking as they lick whipped cream off one another, bouncing around, stripper dancing… Bust out some bikinis and hula hoops, and they’d be doing it up 20th floor-style. Definitely a livelier scene than up on the roof, where conversation is still nonexistent. As Mark he talks to all the women separately, he realizes that they are all still figuring out their career paths and lives, and don’t really know who they are yet (other than hot young babes). Mark isn’t finding the conversations hot at all. Not like those successful, barren 40somethings. Oh, the dilemma! He manages to make a connection with Adelaide, flirtress extraordinaire. Mary is disappointed with her performance.

Host Mark shows up to tear Mark away from the hotties, and tells the ladies that some of them have a date coming up, but others won’t see Mark again until elimination. Mark isn’t pleased with the 20somethings’ performance, and claims he misses the older women. Okay, Mark. Whatever you say. It looked like you were enjoying Tessa’s chest quite a bit from where I was sitting.

Mark looks forward to his date with the 40somethings, which is… roller skating? To remind Mark that the 40somethings grew up in an era when roller disco was actually cool, instead of retro? They have to put on humiliating 70’s costumes, which they sort of seem to enjoy. Whatever, desperados. They skate their old lady asses off, putting Mark to shame. It’s all fun and games until someone breaks a hip, guys.

Meanwhile, on the 20th floor, Mary is sobbing inconsolably due to her lack of alone time and awkward interactions with Mark. Apparently, “[She] had the power within [her] to prevent all of this!” Um, yeah, by not being a fame whore and coming on this show. Or is that not what you meant? The house is “somber.” No bikini hula-hooping today, y’all.

Back at the roller disco, the 40somethings have a limbo contest to win alone time with Mark. Incidentally, Lynn’s entire ass is hanging out of her costume. These chicks are very good sports. Angela wins, ish. During couples’ skate, she expresses her surprise to Mark that he thought she was shy. Jen, the oldest contestant at 48, interrupts Angela’s alone time with Mark. After he complements her youthful looks, she claims “good genetics.” Sure, if by “genetics” you mean “plastic surgeons.” Mark freaks out a bit at the thought that Jen’s old enough to be his mom.

Mark picks Amanda, Adelaide, and Megan for his date with the 20somethings. Mary’s a bit too dumb to work the fancy cell phone the girls have been provided, incidentally. Amanda, cleverly but incorrectly, wonders if maybe Mark picked the girls he was considering eliminating instead of the girls he’s interested in. The chosen few head over to his place for an evening of Dance Dance Revolution, ‘cause that’s what the kids are into these days.

Mark “had a chance to see a side of Megan that [he] never saw before.” Before, as in during the one previous interaction you had with her? Riiight. He finds her fun to be around, anyway. Mark feels that the girls in general did a good job representing the 20somethings. Before they leave, though, Adelaide asks for a minute alone with Mark. Dun dun DUUUUN! The other girls aren’t really on board with it, but can’t do anything about it. So…Amanda tries to hold a glass (or a conch shell?) to the door to listen in. Adelaide basically tells Mark that she’s into him, and wants to break out of her shell when she’s around him. Mark’s happy to hear it. Well-played, Adelaide! Amanda doesn’t necessarily feel the group date went as well for her.

The 40somethings discuss the upcoming elimination while the 20somethings drink to the 40somethings, “with their crow’s feet and saggy boobs.” Ah, Tessa. Your boobs are certainly anything but saggy. They could save small children from drowning. Mary jokes about menopause, thereby karmically ensuring herself a future filled with hot flashes and a waning sex drive.

Apparently, tonight Mark has to send one woman from each age group home. So…not so much choosing between the two yet, eh, NBC? The 40something women congregate on the rooftop, and Mark fears invoking their mighty wrath, subdued with Botox though it may be. And then, the bombshell: the 20somethings descend from a slut-evator, wrecking the 40somethings’ hopes of happiness and hot tennis star sex forever and ever. Mark looks like he wants to throw up. Poor guy. Come by my place and I’ll comfort you, Mark! I won’t even judge you for doing this show (much), I promise!

The 20somethings stand next to the 40somethings, who despair at first, but quickly rally back with nervous laughter. The 20somethings take offense, assuming they are being laughed at. It only lasts for about 10 seconds, but trust me, it’s hilarious (especially the quick shot of Mary trying to look dignified in the face of what she sees as open ridicule). God, this show is amazing. It’s the little moments, you guys.

After Host Mark explains the premise of the show, Mark has to make his decisions (made much less suspenseful by the fact that he won’t have to choose which age he prefers at all). He restates that age is but a number, and calls Tessa to the front of the class. Making a valiant effort at eye contact, Mark asks her and her knockers to stay. Maria’s up next, and also gets asked to stay. Mary, Jayanna, Megan, Lynn, Amanda, and Kelli are all still in as well.

That leaves Lauren and Adelaide on the 20something side, and things don’t work out so well for Lauren. He just doesn’t see himself attracted to her (‘cause she’s all of 27 years old, I bet). Adelaide, of course, is still in. On the 40something side, we have Jen and Angela. Mark tells Jen that he feels like there could be something there, and asks her to stay. Seriously? Well, okay… That sucks for Angela—I really liked her! Mark just didn’t feel the connection with her, and tearfully says he doesn’t see it working out. Tears all around. Next week, the competition gets ugly. Well, uglier.