Age of Love: Kiss of Death

Previously on Age of Love: A bunch of old biddies and a bunch of young sluts got thrown into the reality TV equivalent of a cage match. It was amazing.

We begin this week on the 40th floor, immediately after the elimination. The cougars are a bit unsettled by the kittens’ presence, but shift immediately into offensive mode, pointing out that the kittens are probably really poor and unsuccessful, comparatively. Um, yeah, because they spent all their money on boob jobs (Tessa). Botox is way less expensive.

Down on the 20th floor, the kittens realize that they may have less life experience than the cougars. However, they also realize that since Mark is 30, there is a far greater age difference between Mark and the cougars (up to 18 years) than there is between Mark and the kittens (up to 9 years). Good math, kittens! Have a cat treat.

The NBC quote-finding intern is at it again! “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” –Mark Twain. The intern is clearly on Team Cougar. Back the bachelor pad, Mark meets with Host Mark to discuss the elimination. Host Mark points out that the older women were really sad to see Angela go, while the younger women practically pushed Lauren off the roof once she was eliminated. Mark acknowledges that the kittens may be a wee bit competitive. Moving on, he selects Kelli (40) and Amanda (25) to go out to lunch with him (I’m assuming he had to choose one old and one young). Kelli because she “seems more sexual” than the other old hags, and Amanda because she seems genuine. Aside from her boobs and lips, I’m assuming.

As NBC helpfully points out, Kelli and Amanda think it’s going to be a one on one date, but instead it’s going to be a threesome. And not the cool kind. Hmm…why would they think that? Maybe because the text message invite called it “an individual date.” Oh, NBC! Please continue to cruelly toy with their hearts like that. Building up desperate women’s hopes only to dash them on the rocky shore below is the bread and butter of Age of Love. The women, as expected, are unhappy to see each other. They sit on opposite sides of the restaurant, with Mark free to move in between tables. They’re instructed to keep Mark at their tables as long as possible (is taking your top off against the rules?), because whoever is sitting with him at the end of the date gets to share dessert with him as well. By all rights it should be Kelli, then, because Amanda would probably barf the dessert back up immediately afterwards anyway, by the looks of her.

Mark valiantly tries to run back and forth, keeping both ladies happy. The ladies valiantly try to hold his attention. Meanwhile, the kittens are summoned to the pool by Host Mark. While the tennis player’s away, the host will play? No, he’s there to give the kittens the chance to “create the perfect date.” …For the 40somethings! Dun dun DUUUUN! Yes, each team will be creating the other’s group date. I’d totally make the kittens go ice skating. Let’s see them all wear bikinis there!

Back at the threesome, Mark decides he wants to try and have dessert with Amanda. With five minutes left, Kelli tries to run out the clock. Right as Mark moves to make a break for it with seven seconds left, Kelli pulls out the old “hang on, you’ve got imaginary food on your face that I need to brush off” gambit, ensuring a cougar victory against Mark’s will. Hilariously, Mark tries to muffle the alarm so that Kelli might not hear it and he can go back to the other side. Needless to say, it doesn’t work. I almost feel sorry for Mark, but not as sorry as I feel for Kelli, since making Mark resent having to share dessert with her is definitely going to backfire. Pretty quickly, it turns out, as Mark and Amanda share a romantic walk back to the car, and he gives her a kiss goodbye. On the mouth! Back at the table of unmitigated desperation, Mark and Kelli share dessert as Kelli fools herself into thinking it was voluntary on Mark’s part.

In the Apartments of Catty Scheming, the kittens and the cougars brainstorm date ideas. The kittens, obviously, try to come up with a date that will make the cougars look old. They suspect that the cougars will be trying to make them look young. Oh, kittens. The fact that you think your vulnerable point is your youth only makes you seem all the stupider. In the end, though, the cougars do choose to attack the kittens’ age rather than their teeny tiny brains. Bad move, if you ask me.

The young’uns get sent to an “indoor playground” to play with Mark and a bunch of little kids at a birthday party. It’s pretty funny and fairly clever, because as Megan points out, the kids’ presence kept the alone time with Mark to a minimum. Way to go, Team Cougar! However, Mark is impressed with Adelaide…not so much with Mary, though, since he totally walks off to play “Duck, Duck, Goose” when she’s in the middle of a story. Ha! Mary sucks. Adelaide, who is totally going to win this thing, gets picked to ride back with Mark in the limo and then gets a goodnight kiss (Mark, you hussy!). Tessa is disappointed to be “one of the girls in the sea of women that haven’t gotten to know him.” Well, Tessa, those giant buoys on your chest should keep you from drowning. (And I mean that on multiple levels.)

The next morning, Amanda’s jealousy of Adelaide grows in leaps and bounds. Mary expresses confidence that Mark will choose a 20something, saying, “There’s too much natural beauty here [for him not to],” as she and Amanda layer on pounds of makeup and hair products. As the kittens, ah, enhance all that “natural beauty,” the cougars arrive for their date with Mark—a water aerobics class with old people. Funny, kittens, but a tactical error, as the 40somethings point out. These women work hard (and pay lots, I’d wager) to look hot in a swimsuit, which Mark notices. Plus, putting them next to real old people only makes them look much younger in comparison. Mark, for his part, loves that they’re laughing and enjoying the activity, and has a great time himself. They actually do seem like a fun group. Mark picks Maria to ride back with him in the limo, and invites her up to his apartment. (oooOOOoooh!) They chat for a bit, and Maria notices his stand-offish body language. Tragedy strikes when she gets a goodbye kiss…on the cheek. Kittens: 2. Cougars: 0.

Elimination time already? Everyone’s nervous. Maria says that she doesn’t think she’s found a “love connection” with Mark, and will just quit and cut her losses. Ah yes, the old, “Dump him before he dumps me” strategy. Whatever, wuss. (Jayanna, incidentally, has an awesome “safe from elimination” dance. She is totally my favorite contestant.) All the 20somethings are packed and ready to go except for Adelaide, who is supremely confident. Fair enough, Adelaide—seems like it’s yours to lose at this point.

Up on the Rooftop of Doom, a supposedly nervous Mark begins with Tessa and her gazongas. The three of them are safe, as is Amanda, whom Mark is “really looking forward to kissing some more.” Didn’t your mother teach you not to kiss and tell, dude? Megan is also still in, leaving Adelaide and Mary in suspense. Mark tells Adelaide that he really feels like a kiss can tell you something about a person, and that he didn’t feel like she gave him anything. No! WAY! She’s out!!! Jesus, did she bite him or something? How bad can a little peck on the lips be? Mary is practically peeing herself with relief. This is the craziest damn thing I have ever seen, including Sam’s elimination in the last season of Top Chef. Madness, Philippoussis, madness! Unless…NBC? Did you have something to do with this? At any rate, this competition is wide open now that Adelaide’s brief but intense reign of terror is over. Seize the day, old ladies!

But before any day-seizing can begin, Mark has to complete the elimination. After complimenting Mary’s boob-revealing dress, he asks her to stay and moves on to the cougars. Jen, whom he calls confident and attractive, is in, and Maria is up next. Mark starts by saying that he has tons of fun with her, and that he’s looking forward to getting to know her more. He says that he hopes she feels the same way, giving her the perfect opportunity after an awkward pause to…totally not quit, after calling him out a little for being hard to read. Jayanna’s elimination dance, it seems, was premature. Kelli’s smile becomes somewhat strained, and more so after Mark asks Jayanna to stay. However, Kelli is safe, and Lynn is the one getting the boot because of her shyness. I guess that pact she made with Satan/her plastic surgeon to look thirty forever isn’t going to pay off after all.

Host Mark comes out to announce that…the kittens will be moving into the retirement community on the 40th floor with the cougars! Will they be able to bring their hula hoops and bikinis with them? Will we have a (likely justified) mass murder on our hands? Find out next week!