This week's theme: Everyone hates Peter. The teams actively working against him hate him, the teams nominally working with him hate him, Phil hates him (he's just too polite to admit it), and his partner hates him. Sarah finally gets into it with him at a bus stop, but, sadly, does not leave him there. Come on, Sarah! Just pick up some guy off the street and race with him!
The teams are sent from Thailand to Chennai, India, but first there are the mat-leaving interviews, and there's a particularly mystifying crop of them this week. Rob and Kimberly think that the race is a metaphor for life together. In that case, they've been forewarned that their life together is going to involve a lot of screaming at each other and getting thoroughly sick of the sight of the other's face. James and Tyler compare the feeling of powerlessness on the race to the feeling of powerlessness that comes with addiction. Now, I've never been an addict, nor have I been on a race around the world. But the two things seem quite a bit different. The Cho Bros make me laugh with a pair of awesome shirts. There's a picture of Phil, and it reads "Lost" on top, and below, "Reward: Bushel of Kiwis." Oh, Chos, you make me laugh against my better judgment. Phil, incidentally, is less amused by these shirts, because he thinks the picture is unflattering.
On the bus to Bangkok, the Chos decide it would be fun to mess with the other teams – okay, mess with Peter – by pulling out a fake cell phone and pretending to get reservations to India. This is, as you can imagine, extremely stupid. It's happened before, and it just makes the other guys work harder to try and catch up with you. And since you didn't actually do jack, they pass you. Chos, this is why I hate to like you, because you do stupid stuff like this. As it happens, everybody does what they can to get the good flights into Chennai, and only Dave and Mary get screwed due to bad luck. When they get to Chennai, the editors have a bit of fun at Mary's expense; she says confidently, "We do not think we're in last," but the caption begs to differ.
The Detour involves wrangling crocs or filling in a sand painting, and, for some reason, the two teams in last (Tyler and James and David and Mary) decide to take the slowest Detour, the sand painting. Then there is one of the most terrifying Roadblocks ever: obtaining an Indian driver's license. They have to learn how to drive on the left side of the road through packed, chaotic streets. The teams pass easily, becuase there don't seem to be many Indian driving laws, except for "don't drink and drive" and "don't hit kids and animals." This would explain the chaotic streets.
Eventually, David and Mary come in dead last, but Mary has charmed Phil enough that he can't bear to eliminate her. Nor does he rob her, as he has in seasons past. David and Mary can keep all of their money and their belongings, but they still get punished. They have to come in first at the end of the next leg or they will incur a 30-minute penalty. I like this more than simply stealing their money and/or worldly possessions, because it gives them an incentive not only to come out of last place, but to get as far ahead as they possibly can. Losing money and possessions will make the rest of the race uncomfortable, but it doesn't actually galvanize the teams the way this pentalty will.
Next week: Robot camel jockeys. Seriously.
Monday, October 16, 2006
The Amazing Race: Indian Driving School Non-Dropouts
Saturday, October 14, 2006
CSI: Federline Ruins Everything
I had a week to get ready for something really bad to happen to Greg. I saw the promos all week: "A CSI becomes a witness, a hero, and a victim." I knew what was going to happen from pretty much the first five minutes, once the gang started beating people. But I wasn't prepared. Knowing actually made it worse. Seeing Greg prance around in his suit, watching as Grissom sent him out into the field alone; the entire set-up left me curled up on my couch, chewing on my nails. This is rare example of previews actually not ruining the episode. What did almost ruin the episode is the festering black hole of suck that is Kevin Federline, but we'll get to that.
The most heartbreaking scene ever starts out with Greg on his way to a scene, passing an alley where he sees a beating in progress. He calls it in and, after a moment, decides he's got to do something. So he drives into the alley, horn blaring, but it's not until he flicks on the siren that the gang scatters. All except for one guy, who picks up a rock. And at first it seems that he's going to finish off the victim, but then he comes at Greg. So Greg hits him first – with the CSImobile. (In Greg's defense, it is a big rock.) And it's at this point that the other gang members materialize out of the night to drag him out of the car and commence a serious beating. You guys, Greg gets beat down. Down to the ground. And it's extremely painful to watch. It makes the time he got blown up look like an ice cream social. He's really not safe anywhere, is he?
And then, the second most heartbreaking scene ever. Sara, who is probably Greg's best friend on the team, comes to the scene. Greg has been stabilized, but he's still just lying in the middle of the alley (Ambulance, people! Look into it!), and Sara goes to kneel down by him. As she strokes his hair, he tells her about all the evidence they should be able to get from the scene: paint transfer on the CSImobile, skin cells under his fingernails from when he scratched one of the attackers. Sara tells him to shut up: "I came here for you, Greg." Awww! (Oh, stop screaming, Grissom/Sara shippers. She's not going to leave Grissom for him, so why can't you just relax and enjoy the sweet scene?)
The other CSIs are upset too, because while Greg may be an annoying little brother, he's still their little brother, and no one picks on him except for them, and maybe Hodges. Nick channels his anger productively by punching Kevin Federline in the gut. Of course, you don't have to be lashing out in grief and rage to want to punch Kevin Federline, so it could just be the "greasy, talentless slug" thing that sets Nick off. Whatever the reason, Nick's instincts are uncanny, because K-Fed, his own worthless self, turns out to be the ringleader of the gang and the only one who can be charged as an adult. As well he should be, because he's nearly thirty.
The guy Greg hit dies, and it's clearly the beginning of something big. Because you don't bring Vicellous Shannon on just to glare at Greg over his brother's dead body. Oh, no, not Keith Palmer. There is going to be some serious retribution, either street-style or civil litigation-style. Although, good luck winning a civil suit against the hero CSI with a face that looks like raw hamburger.
You know, it's too bad. This could have been an excellent episode. Instead, it's merely great, and it's Federline's fault. Why they chose to have this particular bit of stunt casting in such an important, emotional episode is beyond me. It was a distraction, because he's famous for nothing except being famous, and a detraction, because he can't act. They really should have gotten someone to play Pig who was closer to a teenager and who could project some actual menace. K-Fed? Well, he's nothing if not an actor, and he's not an actor.
Friday, October 13, 2006
The Nine: Nooooooo!
I have no sense of self-preservation. None. I missed The Nine the first time around since it's on during Project Runway and my VCR was on the blink, but I heard so many good things that I decided to get caught up this week (and it doesn't hurt that Tim Daly is one of "The Nine," since he's great in whatever he's in). So I dutifully recorded the second episode while I watched Project Runway, and watched it and the pilot (yay, online streaming) yesterday. And therein lay my mistake.
Had I been smart, I would have checked up on The Nine's ratings before watching the episodes. Then, I would have learned that it lost more than half of its lead-in audience from Lost this week, garnering an anemic 5.7/9, which is especially bad considering it's following an extremely popular show which probably has the same type of target audience.
Alas, I didn't check the ratings before watching, and now I'm hooked. I like the clever "What happened during the bank robbery?" concept, the constant flashbacks and flashforwards which keep me off-balance, the steady character development, the great cast (with many familiar faces), and the unexpected twists. Who would have thought that the renegade cop with a troubled past would actually take the top brass up on their offer to promote him in exchange for keeping his mouth shut? I love a show that keeps me guessing. I especially love John Billingsley's character, Egan Foote, which is surprising, since people with a new lease on life tend to be annoying.
Let's take stock: I love The Nine. ABC is totally going to cancel The Nine. Tim Daly is cursed (just thought I'd throw that in there). Dammit.
So...watch, people, WATCH!
Ugly Betty: Makeover, Makeover, Makeover
Cha cha cha! Yes, Betty gets a flashy, Queens-tastic makeover, but this week's lesson is about appearances, and how they're not everything. Look, I like this show and all, but do we really have to get all Full House with the weekly morality lessons? They don't really mesh with the catfights and the death-faking.
Daniel finally, finally, gets some depth this week, as he has to deal with living in the shadow of his sainted brother Alex, the Greatest Magazine Editor of All Time. Everyone compares him unfavorably to dead awesome Alex, and his dad always liked Alex better. Since it's so nice to see Daniel dealing with personal issues and because it actually brings something to the character, I'm going to ignore the clunkiness of the "dead sainted brother" plot point and just enjoy the insecurity we finally get from him.
Wilhelmina, however, has taken the week off from trying to wrest control of the magazine (I know! I was shocked too!). She's getting ready for The Senator. I know what you're thinking. Rick Santorum? Ted Stevens? No, turns out it's her dad, and she has daddy issues just like Daniel. Because the fact that she has not yet wrested control of the magazine (well, maybe you shouldn't have taken the week off, Wilhelmina) is deeply disappointing to her dad. Why can't you love her for who she is, Senator Dad? Why can't you just be proud of your evil daughter?
Two things I love more and more each week: Marc and the telenovela scenes. Marc just keeps worming his evil little way into my heart, whether it's with a look (his goggle-eyed reaction to being threatened by Betty) or a line (trilling "I just found my new screensaver!" as he takes a picture of Betty in her Queens hoochie finery). That award he accepted when he thought he was alone? That was the award for My Favorite New Character. As for the telenovela bits, the thing I love most is that they seem to be written with a Random Scene Generator. This week's scene involved a soccer player, a rich woman, a maid, and a bikini-clad woman, and the dialogue runs like this: "Ma'am, I have nothing to repent." "That's not what people say!" What? Exactly.
30 Rock: Buy the Trivection Oven! Buy It!
Much has been made of the fact that there are two SNL-based shows on NBC's schedule this fall, and both Studio 60 and 30 Rock have real authenticity to them, in that the shows-within-the-shows are, like SNL, less than funny. Although all we get to The Girlie Show, this show's version of SNL, is a lame cat-lady sketch that actually makes "Science, Schmience" look good.
As for the show without the show, it has potential. There is lots of fun to be had at NBC's parent company's expense, with Alec Baldwin playing the Vice President for East Coast Television and Microwave Programming and going into an extended sales pitch for the GE Trivection oven. Incidentally, GE really wants you to buy it, because they air a commercial for it during the show. Alec Baldwin is shockingly funny as the crazy/stupid like a fox network guy. I honestly didn't expect him to be the funniest person on this show, but he is. I guess I shouldn't be surprised; as a frequent SNL guest host, he's no Continental, but he has a few classic moments, notably "Schweddi Balls" and Charles Nelson Reilly on Inside the Actors Studio.
Tracy Morgan, on the other hand, just plays "straight-up mentally ill" as new star Tracy Jordan (could he really not remember his character's name?). If you've seen him on SNL, you've seen him here, because he's doing the same loud moron routine. His funniest moment is actually a throwaway joke, a quick cut to him running down the 405 in his tighty-whiteys, brandishing a lightsaber and yelling, "I am a Jedi!"
Tina Fey? She's a decent straight woman, when she's not buying hot dogs out of spite.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
America's Next Top Model: Because Picking on Weaknesses is FUN!
Last week on America's Next Top Model, the crazy bitch quotient on this show went waaay down when Monique was eliminated. Unsurprisingly, everyone seems really thrilled that Monique is gone...especially Melrose. Unfortunately, all is not joy and light for Melrose, because for some reason she'd rather sleep than have a naked shower party. I'd say she should just rest happy that no one's wiping their bodily fluids on her. Megg, in the biggest shocker this week, just wants to "rock and roll!" and have a good time. Shut up, Megg and Melrose. 
The whine-fest continues as Jaeda bitches about her haircut and her look, saying that she's not sure if she's "a boy that's girly or a girl that's boy-y." How about a boy that's boy-y? Oh, and she throws in this gem: "I knew modeling was hard work, but I didn't know it was this hard." Sigh.
Anchal, it seems, is more curvy than the other girls. One of the twins earns my irritation by giving Anchal crap about "cooking for a whole family" when she's making, like, four eggs. Whatever, skinny twin.
Stacey McKenzie, a judge for Canada's Next Top Model and a "model" herself, is there to help teach the girls to do extreme editorial poses, our theme for the week. Is it just me, or is Stacey McKenzie the Ugliest Model Ever? I take back everything I ever said about Furonda--I literally had to look Stacey up on Wikipedia to make sure she was really a chick. Aaaanyways, Ugley McUglie brings in some crazy contortionist to demonstrate poses that they "have to do for high fashion." Because god knows you can't be a Top Model without being able to put your ankles behind your head (no, not THAT way). Shockingly, Melrose thinks she'll rock it. They do some yoga-type crap to practice, and Melrose is totally jealous that Anchal did a good job contorting.
Melrose takes it upon herself to tell Anchal "the reality of the situation," that she eats a lot but doesn't work out regularly. Bitch! Later, the twins (who are rapidly making their way onto my bad side), Melrose, and Jaeda hang out in the hot tub, where Melrose says that Anchal's "putting on a big fat front" by pretending to lack confidence. Nice choice of words, Melrose.
They continue to talk smack behind Anchal's back, especially Melrose, who says she initially thought Anchal "was one of the stiffest competitions here," but has since changed her mind. Anchal is a "competition"? Nice choice of words, Jade. Jaeda thinks Anchal really might not know how gorgeous she is, but Melrose keeps up the bitch talk. Anchal, on the balcony above, overhears them and starts to cry. This is getting to be a really cry-heavy season, but I guess Anchal's justified. A.J., comforting Anchal, calls the other girls fake. She's not a Melrose fan.
In a totally pointless segment, the girls go out to dinner and are joined by Twiggy, Melrose's HERO, who talks about being unique, or at least tries to as Melrose crawls up her butt.
Bao Tranchi, a designer "well known" (but not by me) for her "decadent collections" meets the girls at a gallery or something. The girls are going to do "extreme poses" and become an art installation wearing fancy jewelry and Bao's clothes. Melrose: "Bao says she wants this fanticiful [sic] fairy" who's nice and sweet "but also a complete bitch." Um...yeah. Whatever, Melrose.
The poor girls have to hold these crazy uncomfortable-looking positions with a bunch of people looking at them. Eugena does really well and wins all the fancy jewelry. Melrose, somewhat hilariously, explains to the other girls that she didn't win because she wasn't smiling enough. Yeah, Melrose. That's it. Megg wants her to shut up. Megg and I are actually in agreement...damn.
In today's pointless "My Life as a Covergirl" spot, "Dani" throws the first pitch at Camden Yards. Um, yay Orioles (really, YAY!), but is that really a big part of the life of a supermodel?
Tyra, who can smell bitch a mile away (much like Joanie), joins the girls in their house. She wants to talk about fear, a subject very important to Tyra. What's made the girls feel insecure? Melrose is insecure about being old, and Tyra and I agree that this is a mad, mad world if 23 is old. Jaeda is STILL harping on the hair.
Tyra cuts to the chase and asks about in-house bitchiness. Melrose bullshits a bit about her own bitchiness, and Anchal steps up and talks about hearing the girls dissing her behind her back. Jaeda, contradicting her earlier statement and really apropos to nothing, posits that Anchal's no confidence thing is an act. Tyra tells Anchal to stand up for herself and not let Melrose get in her head. Learn from Brooke's mistakes, Anchal! Melrose feels singled out as "the mean one." Um, if you don't want to be seen as mean, maybe next time you shouldn't jump in and excuse your meanness in front of Tyra as soon as the subject of bitchery comes up.
The girls go to...the circus! They meet Jay Manuel, who explains that they'll be doing a moody turn-of-the-century circus freak shoot. AWESOME. At the shoot is a special guest: The Editor-In-Chief of Seventeen Magazine. After the shoot, Megg thinks she's out. I wouldn't be that sorry, Megg. Her hair looks like some frizzy crap, too. Jaeda also says she feels like she'll be going home, but you can tell she's lying.
At judging, Tyra proclaims that the girls are actually all dressed like real models tonight. The Seventeen editor is the guest judge. Sadly, there's no challenge at judging this week. Boo.
A.J. is "The Cannibal," and she does a great job. The judges love her contorted pose, her energy, and her intensity. It's a pretty scary shot, and the judges think she screams "model." Brooke, as "Rubber Girl," isn't as good. She has good body language, but a bad face. This seems to be a recurring theme for Brooke in my mind, if not in the judges'. The Twins are, unsurprisingly, "Siamese Twins." ...With giant, giant frizzy hair. Eighties Siamese twins. The judges think the picture is fine, but one of them has a lighting issue that makes her chin look big.
Megg, "The Bearded Lady," turns in what I think is the worst Top Model photo I've ever seen. Seriously, it's terrible, and not just 'cause she has a beard. The pose sucks, and Megg starts crying during judging, saying she's disappointed in her photo. Oh, Megg. You're so fucked. ALWAYS wait until the judges say they totally hate the picture before you bring out the tears, at least. The judges say she just can't take a good picture, but Seventeen lady likes her.
CariDee, on the other hand, has a GREAT photo as "The Elephant Woman" (with a trunk and tusks instead of giant tumors). She's got a great pose, a great face, and totally rocks it, even with the big prosthesis on. Eugena has another animal-themed photo, as "Bird Woman." The judges like her eye contact and her in-person presence. The photo's okay, but the judges think it may be a lucky shot, since the rest of her shoot wasn't very good. Miss Jay practices her bird impressions.
Anchal, you know, the girl with weight concerns, portrays the "Giant Lady." Harsh, producers. Harsh. She does better in her shoot after a pep talk, but doesn't manage to make herself look giant enough, despite her enormous, enormous size. According to the judges, she looks beautiful because she's a beautiful girl who takes beautiful pictures, but she doesn't look like a model.
Jaeda gets a similarly mean assignment: the "Strong Woman," with giant masculine muscles. Her picture is only okay. It took a lot of effort to coach her, and Tyra doesn't like the snarly face (which, HA, was based on Jay's suggestion to imitate a Tyra photo hanging in the house). Seventeen lady did NOT like her, and says they had to push her too much. I think Twiggy's catching on to the whole man thing when she calls Jaeda "too masculine," but it turns out she just thought the drawn-on abs were real.
Hee hee, Melrose is a woman with an "Old Face/Young Body." They had to make up a kind of freak to exploit her weakness! Did they even need makeup? Sigh...she did great, though. Yeah, she looks ridiculous, but the judges love it.
CariDee, Eugena, A.J., Melrose, Michelle, Anchal, Amanda, and Brooke are in. It's down to Jaeda and Megg, and I'm happy either way. Aaand...it's "ROCK AND ROLL!!!" Megg. A.J. and Anchal are especially sad, but I'm happy. Megg plans on being a musician/model. Is that a real thing? And wow, as they review her pictures for us, I realize how much she really did suck. Yikes.
Next week: Michelle sort of comes out of the closet, and JANICE DICKENSON!!!
Project Runway: Scandal! Intrigue! Safaris!
Here we are, the first part of the Project Runway finale. It seems like just yesterday we were laughing at Stacy's granny panty/see-through curtain ensemble, or wondering why that talented Michael fellow wasn't getting more screen time. They grow up so fast (sniff, sniff)...
The final four contestants gather on the runway and receive their final challenge from Heidi and Tim. Tim advises them to "do what we know we can do," but Heidi warns them, "do not play it safe." Mixed messages, much?
House calls! Tim visits Michael "Call Me 'Brace Face'" Knight's fabulous house in Atlanta. Michael's theme is "Street Safari," with a seventies feel, and he happily appears to be staying away from eveningwear. He doesn't have a lot done, and I'm not sure I love what he does have. But then again, what the hell do I know? That wasn't sarcasm. I know nothing about fashion. Tim, who does know his shit, thinks the idea sounds pretty good, but the existing elements lack cohesion.
Tim has dinner with Michael's friendly, supportive family. Michael, we learn, was an army brat, has lived all over the country, and looked like Urkel for a brief period in his life. Seriously, yikes.
Next, Tim visits Laura in her amazing New York apartment (for reals, it's like ten times the size of my studio). She's very pregnant with her fifth boy in a row, and very happy to see Tim. It's possible that Laura has the classiest maternity wear ever. It looks like she has a lot done on her collection. She's sticking to her signature style, but taking it to a new level--more evening than cocktail. I certainly see more color than usual, including bright red and olive green pieces, but she still has a lot of neutrals. Tim fears that the collection is too old, and not pretty enough. Tim and I, as usual, are in agreement. Laura emphasizes that she's playing to win, and trying not to be too safe. Try harder, Laura.
Tim meets her boys, who appear to be more like a giant pack of wild animals than four young boys. Especially when one of them offers Tim turtle poop. AWESOME. It's actually really great to see Laura seeming right at home with her kids in this crazy environment, searching for the missing turtle and everything, because it seems so counter to who she is on the show. Incidentally, Laura's husband strongly resembles a metrosexual Albert Einstein.
Onward to Miami, where Uli has a crazy awesome ocean view, which makes obvious her inspiration. Oops, her theme is "Tropical Safari." Let's call Laura "Sophisticated Safari" and Jeffrey "Punk Safari" and make it a whole safari party! Tim thinks her outfits, which seem very much in the Uli mold (but with more hand detailing and tailoring), are gorgeous, but not surprising enough to win. I love everything she shows him, and it seems to be the most wearable of the three we've seen so far, but still incredibly stylish. It looks like she's gotten a fair amount done, too.
Uli and Tim go for a romantic stroll on the beach, and Uli shares with Tim that she moved to Miami because she watched Miami Vice when she was growing up in East Germany, and it seemed like a pretty great place to be. That's the Best Ever. And how can the judges give her such a hard time for her colorful, beachy style when she grew up in colorless East Germany?
Regrettably, Tim leaves Uli's delightful presence to visit Jeffrey in Los Angeles, and my blood pressure starts to rise in anticipation of Jeffrey's grating presence. And continues to rise when we actually see Jeffrey, who is NOT rocking a mullet with the sides of his head sort of shaved. His girlfriend has a far less offensive mohawk, and their kid is actually pretty cute. Jeffrey shares his Tale of Woe, in which his angry dad left when Jeffrey was eight, and Jeffrey got into drugs pretty young. His roommate saved him from killing himself five years ago, and he's been clean ever since. I'm sympathetic, but dude, none of those things is a good excuse for being a dick.
Jeffrey has an enormous separate warehouse space where he does his work. His collection is "Rock Safari." Just kidding, his inspiration (color and draping, mostly) comes from Japanese ghost and demon stories. He shows Tim a really cool dress with zippers sticking out of the seams, which Tim loves. His collection has a lot of stripes and polka dots, and seems like really nice, high-fashion versions of clothes you'd find at Forever 21. Or maybe Urban Outfitters if I'm feeling less bitchy. But again, what do I know? He certainly seems confident, and Tim seems into it.
The designers arrive in New York five days before the show. Michael loves his collection, calling it "hot" and, inexplicably, "nasty." Am I such a nerd that I didn't know that "nasty" was a good thing now? Does this mean "sick" is back to being bad? Sigh...it's so hard to keep up with this stuff. Anyway, Laura is also confident, saying that the collection is "what everyone wants to see from [her]." Um, that may not be a good sign...does that mean it's more of the same? She also tells us that she wants to win if for no other reason than that it means Jeffrey won't win. Hmm. Uli hopes to surprise the other designers and win. They all seem exhausted but happy to see each other, although Jeffrey's welcome is less exuberant, and nonexistent from Laura.
The next day, the finalists are all kind of hilariously eyeing each other's collections as they unpack. Tim welcomes them to their workspace, and checks on their progress. Jeffrey is totally done, and Tim seems to really like his stuff. Tim isn't as enthusiastic about Uli's collection, especially the proportion. She has stepped out of her flowy print box, and is unfortunately being punished for it. Laura has gotten rid of all the color, but Tim really likes everything she has. Michael seems like he's in a bit of trouble, though. He has this very Kayne blouse, with sequin pockets, and everything looks disjointed and not up to Michael's usual level of sophistication. Tim says it's cartoony, and Michael is trying too hard. Ouch, but I know Michael can pull it out. He says he'd rather go way over the top than not do anything at all (hear that, Daniel V.?).
Model casting seems relatively conflict-free. Amanda's there with blonde hair, but I didn't catch who drafted her. Seeing all these real models walk and pose reinforces for me just how comparatively unattractive and untalented the America's Next Top Model girls largely are. At the hair consultation, Michael worries me when he says he wants big, roller-set hair. Jeffrey wants all his girls to look the same, and even brought wigs with him.
We're down to three days until the big show, and the designers are fitting their models. Laura, having seen more of Jeffrey's collection, starts to question how he could have possibly gotten so much work done that he has nothing left to do (not even buttons or hooks). They move on to makeup consultation, where Michael wants his models' makeup to be muted, but animal-like. What? Jeffrey wants his nude and shiny. Do I not understand makeup, or something? Aren't these things opposites? Uli, unsurprisingly, is going bronze, glowy, and shimmery.
DRAMA! While Jeffrey is out of the workroom, Laura tells Uli and Michael that she doesn't think he sewed his collection himself. She says it's impossible to do all those pieces in the time he was given, especially since he says he was also working on his personal line at the same time. The details and craftsmanship are also better than she's ever seen him do. Well there's a backhanded compliment for ya. The three of them look at Jeffrey's clothes, and agree that they've never seen that level from him before, although Uli points out that it's not all perfect. The consensus is that the designs are his, but they doubt Jeffrey sewed them himself. I'm going to point out here that the designers all seem a bit punchy at this point, and it's possible that exhaustion is interfering with their judgment here.
The three agree that they should be honest and up-front with Jeffrey, instead of stabbing him in the back on the runway or something. Laura clarifies that she isn't out to get him, although I'm not really sure I believe her. I mean, if it were Michael who had everything finished, would she be looking at it the same way?
The "honest and up-front" plan goes down the tubes a bit when Laura takes Tim aside and, with the most hilarious transition ever ("Yeah, Jeffrey comes out here a lot. Speaking of Jeffrey...") accuses Jeffrey of not sewing his collection on his own. She says she can't prove it, but that it's a gut feeling she wanted to get on the record. Tim agrees that the charge is difficult, if not impossible, to prove, but takes it seriously and says he will bring it to the producers and investigate. Laura reiterates that she's not trying to be a bitch, but she doesn't see how Jeffrey could have possibly sewed that collection in the past two months. Draaaama! (For the record: 44% of America is most excited to see Jeffrey's collection.)
Uli tells Jeffrey that Laura has an announcement to make, and Laura drops the bomb. Jeffrey totally denies it, but (in my view) doesn't seem as outraged as an innocent person would. Michael steps up and says that he was thinking the same thing as Laura. Uli agrees that the collection looks really perfect, but tries to say that the competition is about design, and they all think that Jeffey designed the pieces. Jeffrey isn't in a listening mood, though, and reiterates that he sewed everything himself before dropping it and walking away. He interviews that it's pitiful Laura automatically assumes that anyone with work better than hers must be cheating.
Laura agrees with me that Jeffrey's uncharacteristically quiet reaction was unexpected. She hopes there won't be horrible tension in the workroom. Um, yeah, you brought that upon yourself, Laura. Jeffrey says that while he can't sew perfectly quickly, he can do it when he has enough time, which does seem reasonable to me. Tim comes in and takes Jeffrey aside to give him the opportunity to confess before the investigation starts, but Jeffrey repeats that he did pretty much everything by hand. Tim says they'll be looking at the receipts carefully, etc., but that everyone is innocent until proven guilty.
Jeffrey interviews that he made the whole collection himself, and is scared to death that he won't be showing. Wow, this must really suck for him if he's innocent. But I kind of don't get his non-Jeffrey attitude. Maybe he's just exhausted. OR GUILTY. Yeah, I don't see them proving this one either way. TO BE CONTINUED...
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
On Theme Songs
So I was watching Boston Legal last night (that show is all kinds of fun), and as the title credits began and I started dancing in my chair to the theme music, it occurred to me how perfect the Boston Legal theme is in setting the tone of the show. It's offbeat, fun, and funky, with a generous side portion of sex and sleaze. It fits the show perfectly, letting viewers know what they'll be in for for the next sixty minutes, and getting them in the right mood.
A theme song, obviously, can be a powerful thing. Where would The X-Files be without the spooky whistling giving us the chills right off the bat? Where would The West Wing be without its noble, patriotic orchestra? Hell, even bad shows can have great theme songs. I often watch Las Vegas at least through the opening credits just because I enjoy their "A Little Less Conversation" remix so much, and sometimes I even get suckered into watching a whole episode.
So with that in mind, what the hell, Veronica Mars? You HAD a good theme song! The lyrics may not have had a ton to do with the show after the first season or so, but the song was great, and it always got me hyped up and energized for a new episode. So...Rob Thomas decides to keep the somewhat irrelevant lyrics, but put the song on downers or something so that it's all slow and moody. Um, yeah, I don't watch Veronica Mars for the moodiness, and if this is Rob Thomas's way of telling us that moody is what he's bringing to the table this season, I'm not on board (although to be clear, I've really liked the first couple episodes).
And Veronica Mars isn't the only show to mess with a perfectly good theme song this season, either. America's Next Top Model went from fierce to blah, muting the "NA na na's" I loved so much. For shame, Tyra! Don't you "wanna be on top?"
And don't even get me started with Studio 60. What the hell is that, Muzak? Um, if you don't want people to think your show is boring and generic, Sorkin, how about letting someone who ISN'T Kenny G compose the theme? Maybe if you had a dramatic theme song that let people know where you were going with the tone of the show, instead of a ten-second elevator ride, they'd stop whining about how Studio 60 isn't funny. Just a thought.
Wow, that really turned into a rant, there. Who knew I felt so strongly about theme songs? I guess you don't realize how important the theme is to a show until TPTB start messing with them...
How I Met Your Mother: Yeah, I'm on Board
As I watched How I Met Your Mother Monday night, all I could think about (when I wasn't laughing at Barney) was why the hell I wasn't watching this totally hilarious show last season. I mean, I love comedies, I love Neil Patrick Harris (from his work on Broadway, not Doogie), and I didn't have any conflicting shows in that timeslot. So what the hell, self?
Best I can figure is that I was in mourning for Arrested Development (not to mention the fact that Scrubs has been on Deathwatch for years), and wasn't ready to accept a new comedy into my life. Especially a sitcom with a laugh track. Oh, and the possible fact that I assumed it wasn't funny because it was on CBS. Oops. My bad.
How I Met Your Mother is actually really, really funny. Not like Arrested Development, not like Scrubs, not like The Office (come on, it does have a laugh track), but definitely funny all the same. And it managed to surprise me twice this week, which is impressive for a conventional sitcom. First, when it used unreliable narrators to fool us into thinking that Ted was cheating on Robin, when it was actually Barney that we were following around all night. Second, when Barney's "Dear Resident" goodbye letter to his one night stand (a funny enough joke in itself, and one that most sitcoms would have left at that) said that he was actually a ghost, materialized for one day to spend it with "Resident."
Congratulations, How I Met Your Mother. You're now on my regular viewing schedule. (You're going to have to raise your game a bit, The Class.)
Veronica Mars: Sorry, Dandy Warhols
A long time ago
The theme used to be good
But I haven't heard it here lately at all
Yeah
Come on now, sugar
Bring it back, bring it back, yeah
Just remember it when
The theme used to be good
A long time ago
The theme used to be good
Now that's out of the way. On to business. So Veronica begins her investigation into the campus rapist because of her guilt at letting Parker's rape happen. Because she wouldn't sympathize with rape victims anyway? I'm sorry, but I don't think she needs the reason. I think she has a personal incentive to solve the case even without her guilt, and so giving her this reason ignores her personal reason, as a rape victim, to solve the cas
e. Anyway, the school newspaper hires her to investigate the sorority that Parker was partying at the night she was raped. Because nothing on this show is ever what it seems, Veronica discovers the sorority is actually pretty cool, and that pot in their basement is totally medicinal, you guys. Damn you, Veronica Mars. Why couldn't you just let us feel good about not liking sororities?
And because Logan and Wallace need something to do, too, they participate in a recreation of the Stanford prison experiment run by their sociology professor, Homer Simpson. All you need to know is: Rider Strong returns triumphantly to TV (triumphantly, I said. On no planet is Pepper Dennis a triumphant return), and Logan goes streaking. I suspect the entire subplot may have been an excuse for naked, masked Logan.
Sadly, no one addresses the real mystery of the night: where is Piz? After such a strong showing last week, he disappears completely from this week's episode. Come on, Veronica Mars. You spend all that time on Logan- and Wallace-related shenanigans, you even throw in Lamb (which, okay, it's nice to see him), but there's no love for Piz? I'm not saying shoehorn him in where he won't fit, but at least let us know that he hasn't fallen through a rip in the space-time continuum or anything. (...He hasn't, has he?)
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Studio 60: Tune in, intellectual snobs! Seriously!
I think Aaron Sorkin has places to go with the characters he's written, and an incredibly deep pool of acting talent to work with. It's possible that Heroes is just a bad lead-in for Studio 60. After all the drama and excitement of last night's installment, Studio 60 came out swinging with...a plagiarized sketch. Except that in the end, it wasn't actually plagiarized. Not to say that was a bad plot, but the show definitely felt as slow as molasses compared to, you know, a cheerleader waking up during her own autopsy (for example).
As last night's Studio 60 explained, though, fans have reason to hope. Yes, despite lagging ratings and what I can only imagine is an insanely expensive cast, NBC will probably give Studio 60 a little longer to build a following than, say, CBS gave Smith. Why? Alpha viewers. Christine Lahti (whom I will always, always remember as the woman who was in the bathroom when she won a Golden Globe) guest-starred last night as a reporter who wants to write a behind-the-scenes article for Vanity Fair. Although Matt and Danny are initially reluctant to grant her such unfettered access, they realize that her magazine's readership is composed of "alpha viewers," those influential, educated taste-makers and product-buyers that advertisers drool over. These magical alpha viewers are worth their weight in gold when advertising dollars are concerned. Or, more accurately, they're worth the weight of five normal viewers.
As The Washington Post's Lisa de Moraes pointed out in a chat this past Friday, these alpha viewers are exactly the people who make up Studio 60's shrinking audience:
NBC is already resorting to talking about the audience comp on this show -- how upscale (aka educated, wealthy)the show's ever shrinking the audience is -- down to 9 million viewers this week. It's true, some advertisers will pay to be on a show that's getting a smaller number if the audience comp is good. It's this show's only hope....
Indeed, here's hoping those New Yorker-reading, Prius-driving, commedia dell'arte joke-getting liberal elite (ah, stereotypes) keep tuning in. Because while Studio 60 is struggling right now to fulfill its astronomical expectations and find its voice, I think it's an extremely good show already, and has the potential to be a great show. So give it a chance, NBC!
Heroes: Hiro Protagonist
This show is rolling along nicely. We've finally gotten past the exposition and we're getting straight to the big stories: Sylar, nukes, and, of course, Peter's love life.
The Petrellis: The show tries to butter me up by showing Peter face-planting twice in a row. It works. Yeah, kid, I'd have brought a soda, too. And some popcorn. Peter, feeling the pull of destiny, quits his job and kisses Simone. Nathan, fe
eling an October surprise in the making, tells everyone that Peter is depressed like their dad and tried to kill himself. The thing I can't figure out about Nathan: he chooses a red tie because that's what the president wears, and yet he's going to win next month. Is he a Republican or not?
Niki: She digs for a damn long time and finds a ring that makes her think that her husband, D.L., killed someone. He did escape from prison, though, and Micah may know where he is. I like the mystery surrounding D.L., because it makes me think that there's something going on with him as well. And, as yet, Niki is not connected to any of the big stories, so maybe D.L. is the link. More on this later.
Hiro: Everyone's favorite Star Trek geek spends the episode following the dictates of the comic book he stars in. And what the book tells him to do is convince Ando (his awesome friend/straight man) that all this is for real, fly to Los Angeles, and road trip to Vegas. Now, Hiro spends a lot of time talking about destiny, it's true, but what makes it endearing in his case and not in Peter's is Hiro's dramatic flair. The panache he puts into his lines. He's enjoying it, and so am I. You could learn something from him, Ventimiglia.
Claire: Having a bad day. Her dad is evil, the quarterback almost rapes her, and the only thing that stops him is her impalement on a piece of wood. When it's finally removed, Claire wakes up - in the middle of her own autopsy! Damn. And yet, this is precisely why I like this character. I like the idea of this ordinary girl trying to deal with both small problems and extraordinary ones; you know, the Buffy formula. And Claire herself is awfully tough, which helps. I want more of her nerdy sidekick, though.
Matt: The FBI realizes the value of an agent who can read minds, so Matt is recruited. Sylar shows up only a few minutes into his new job, impales an agent on the ceiling, and goes all "Pusher" on Clea DuVall. Of course Matt shows up and empties his clip into Sylar, and do I need to tell you how unaffected Sylar is by this? And just when Matt is trying to unwind by eavesdropping on people's thoughts at a bar, he comes across a man whose thoughts he can't hear (the mysterious D.L.?). And then he's drugged. Matt, no!
I'm looking forward to seeing Matt working with the FBI on the Sylar cases, because that would be a good way to give us a broader picture of what's going on. I mean, sure, there's Mohinder, but I'm not really sure he knows what's going on. He seems to be confused a lot, you know? Not to mention that the Bad Guys find him really easy pickings.
Desperate Housewives: MIKE!
This week on Wisteria Lane, Lynette sort of implies that she wouldn't be completely devastated if Nora killed herself (not cool, Lynette), and Nora helps her realize that Tom isn't happy with his life, either. Bree finds out that Andrew is living on the street (not Wisteria Lane, mind you, but the big bad streets of the city where one is forced to do things for money and food), but Orson convinces him to come home, because why have one psychopath in your house when you could have two? Gabrielle sleeps with John, who now owns a landscaping business with a lucrative hotel contract, but is engaged to the daughter of the hotel chain's owner (oops!). Finally, Susan (oh, Susan) goes to Ian's love nest in the mountains and prepares to get biz-ay until he basically calls her a whore for having slept with 11 men before him. Of course, she ends up sleeping with him anyway. Oh, and Edie stops by Mike's hospital room to get her CD player, and he wakes up. Yeah.
I gotta say, despite the show's flirtation with hooking Julie up with Edie's bad-boy nephew (blergh) and the whole Nora thing (double blergh), I'm liking this season a LOT better than last season. Creator Marc Cherry has clearly listened to the criticisms of last season (which pretty much defined "sophomore slump") - that the core group of women didn't spend enough time together; that the central mystery didn't involve them enough, took too long to develop, and wasn't that interesting - and has specifically addressed all of them. I'm loving the Orson mystery, and actually looking forward to each week's episode, compared to the strong temptation I felt to quit watching the show last season. And all this, despite the fact that Mike is in a coma and has almost no screen time! (Yeah, the insanely hot James Denton may be why I kept watching last season. Shut up.)
So here's to Desperate Housewives and Veronica Mars, my two favorite shows from the class of Fall '04, overcoming sophomore slump and starting off their junior year on the right track!
Monday, October 09, 2006
The Amazing Race: Get on the train
This week's theme: Complete and total exhaustion. Phil informs us when the episode starts that Rob was treated for heat exhaustion between legs, and things don't get any better for him, or for anyone else. It seems like this leg is specifically designed to break everyone down, with a rock-climbing Roadblock and a Detour that involves rowing a boat all around a little harbor. As you would expect, the stress and fatigue also aggravates all the little personal problems that teams are having, with Rob and Kimberly and Peter and Sarah getting the worst of it (and yet, those teams come in first and second. Maybe arguing is the key?).
Phil's voice-over for next week asks if Sarah is on a one-person team, but I say she's on one already, or should be. She's the one who goes up the cliff face, while Peter lies back in the boat and talks at her. When Peter does do something, i.e. row the boat, he orders her not to talk to him, because he needs to concentrate. I think she would be better off firing him as a partner and running the rest of the race alone. Sarah thinks so, too, judging by her interviews. She talks about discovering things about him that she doesn't really like, but if you parse the Tim Gunn levels of niceness from her comments, she's saying: "Peter's a jackass, and he's about to get a prosthetic boot to the head."
Happily, Mary continues to be awesome. Sure, she yells at David some, but it's more a symptom of her strong personality than of any dislike she has for him. And even with a twisted ankle, she keeps going. Mary's Love Train (pulling out of the station with Erwin and Godwin, Lyn and Karlyn, and Tom and Terry) picks up another passenger this week in the person of her cab driver. She just completely takes to him, the way she takes to everyone else. And now that Tom and Terry have been eliminated, that's two more open seats on the train. I have no doubt they'll be filled.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
CSI: A Corpse Line
That title was for you, Liz. You're welcome.
This week, CBS's gimmick to lure you away from Grey's Anatomy is talking corpses. No, really. The victims from each of the four cases spend time between the investigations talking amongst themselves. I initially thought it seemed out of character for the show, but then I remembered that Rashomon-style episode from last season, where we learned that Greg's mind is a noir film. So it's not like CSI hasn't stepped outside the procedural box before.
The four cases are shown consecutively, so instead of having 48 minutes to make a couple of twists and turns, they have to wrap up in about 10. This makes for very straightforward cases, with no room for mystery. The way you think it happened is the way it really happened. So the real interest of the episode falls on the chatty corpses. Unfortunately, those scenes didn't work for me. The dialogue was flat and very nudge-nudge. Example: the woman whose brain fell out of her skull in a fall, who says that she thought her husband liked her for her brains, but "turns out he thought I never had any." Yuk yuk yuk! The only point at which I felt the idea was paying off was when the Marine, on first being wheeled into the morgue, asks the other stiffs if they've seen his wife and daughter and is relieved when they say no. Simple, understandable reaction. It's the difference between "What would dead people say?" and "What would people say if they found themselves dead?", if you see what I mean.
Charater updates: Sam Braun is most likely dead, and the same is true of Warrick's marriage. A gory crime scene reminds Sara of when she and Grissom first met (awwww). And Greg was an Eagle Scout. Those of you who know the show may be thinking, "Wait, Eagle Scout? Greg? Isn't he the guy who got a whole lecture from Warrick about being prepared?" Yes. Which makes him the worst Eagle Scout ever, if he can't even master the motto. Writers, are you picking up what you're putting down?
Friday, October 06, 2006
Ugly Betty: One Book to rule them all
It looks like "Wilhelmina hatches a plan to take over the magazine" is going to be a recurring theme, so here's this week's plan: she attempts to gain control of The Book, a mock-up of the next issue of the magazine that is imbued with special powers, for the one who controls The Book controls the magazine. It is, in fact, the One Book. It gets away from the Bookbearer, Betty, and into the hands of Bookwraith Marc, but all is made right in the end. We also get a bit more of the subplot involving the non-dead former editor (run to her non-death by animal rights activists - nice job, Liz), as Bradford steals an incriminating music box from her things and Fey herself calls up Daniel to get all sinister about his dad's secrets. It's over the top, yes, but it's kind of delightfully over the top, just like the telenovela scenes that are sprinkled in. Well, not just like the telenovela scenes, because so far no priests have gotten slapped in the middle of a makeout session.
As yet, there are very few characters I don't like. I wish we could get more about Daniel, though. There's just not much to him yet, although he and Betty are developing a very nice partnership. Betty has the fresh ideas, and Daniel has the knowledge of how the world works. And it's great to watch them team up against the machinations of Wilhelmina and Marc. I have high hopes for their partnership becoming one of the most appealing aspects of the show, once Daniel gets interesting.
Speaking of Wilhelmina and Marc, they get the best exchange of the night. Wilhelmina: "How was Queens?" Marc: "Like the Lost City of Hoochieville." Evil is so snarky.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Project Runway: Can we get some champagne up in here?
Last week on Project Runway: I had to work late and missed the episode (BAH), but happily, no one was eliminated, and we'll have four designers in the finals at fashion week! And now, the much-anticipated reunion special! Who will be the next crazy drunken Vanessa? The next more-than-drunken Lupe? As Heidi would say, I'm on pins and needles...
Waaaaitaminute...they aren't all arriving separately and drinking immediately! They're just all sitting in chairs ready to discuss serious issues! What the- Is there no alcohol at the reunion taping?! DOES THIS MEAN THEY'RE ALL SOBER?!?! What the hell, Bravo?
Hmm...I'm not seeing any drastic appearance changes. Kayne has some scruff- nice try, buddy, you're still about as butch as a nine-year-old girl. Oh, and there's some random guy I don't recognize sitting in the back Bradley shaved his head and beard! He's...still pretty cute.
And we bring in the finalists. Uli and Jeffrey look pretty much the same. Michael gets the most applause. I guess he's as likeable to the contestants as he is to us. He also has some bling on his teeth that I don't remember from before. Laura is very pregnant, and looking like a hot momma in a bright red dress. She has really grown on me more than anyone else this season. And she gets the first fan question: Does Laura own a pair of jeans? Ha! As it happens, her "jeans" are riding pants and boots. That explains a little.
Oooh, here comes Keith! Alison is the only one who seems genuinely happy to see him. Keith says that his friends have been supportive. He's gonna need that support, since he's forced to relive his humiliation yet again as they show the film of Tim kicking him out.
So what did the designers think of Keith's dismissal? Robert and Jeffrey think it was fair, Alison was sad that he left 'cause they were close, and Kayne felt bad, but a contract's a contract. Keith, unsurprisingly, thinks it was unfair. He's pretty upset, which may explain the crazy barrage of lies and excuses that follow.
First, Keith says that he doesn't remember the "no books" thing being in the contract. The designers are all like "Um, yeah, it was there in giant letters." Then, he claims that the books were taken away from him when he got there, and then mysteriously returned to his room. A week later, he was dismissed. Tim jumps to the producers' defense, and says there's no way they would set Keith up like that. Keith seems...sort of unhinged and very unconvincing.
Heidi goes after Keith a little about leaving the set, and he rationally explains that when he said he was leaving, a producer pointed him toward the door. Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "rationally explains?" I meant, "crazily claims." Uli and Heidi agree that there's no way that happened. Then, Keith mocks what Tim said in the original episode and tries to explain away his paranoid theories by saying "I'm not gonna just roll over like a puppy." Okay, Keith. Whatever you say. I'll just keep using soothing tones until you calm down and can be returned to your padded cell.
Lots of scandal, but not nearly enough drunkenness so far. I guess we'll have to rely on Vincent's usual craziness, or something. I mean, the Keith scandal is all well and good, but it's no Vanessa/Lupe. But Bravo attempts to placate me by showing a Tim Gunn montage. Nice try, Bravo, but I won't be placated! Especially not by a lame montage that's all about all the "big" words Tim uses. Um, yeah..."mitigate." That's a toughie! But we're all agreed on his awesome use of "caucus." He also gets a fan question: Does he design and make clothes himself? Surprisingly, he doesn't, although he does make other types of art.
The Laura montage consists solely of her calling things "seriously ugly." Robert is boring. And his thusly themed montage is boring, too. Bring on the drunk! Bring on the songs! Bring on the Tim Gunn impersonations! Alas, we get none of those things. Instead, we are treated to a "That turns me on" montage from Vincent. I try to change the channel, but the remote's too slippery from the blood pouring out of my ears. Damn you, producers, for bringing that into my life AGAIN. We also get a "Bradley is really random" montage. Yeah, he's a cutie.
And now, the long-awaited battle of Vincent vs. Tim. The Voice of Crazy vs. The Voice of Reason. I've been looking forward to this. It's a bit anticlimactic, though, and turns into Vincent vs. All the Other Designers. Laura thinks he's delusional. Word, Laura. Word. Shockingly, Vincent rationally explains his trashing of every other designer in the competition: "There's just a certain prerequisite that I think every designer owns." Oh, okay! Thanks for clearing that up, buddy! He tries to backtrack from calling everyone amateur by saying, "It takes a certain level to be at a certain level of design." Everyone must feel a lot better now.
The Kayne montage focuses on how fast he talks, and I must say, it's impressive. How did I not realize that he's like the Micro Machine guy? I'm guessing either because I'm a fast talker, or because the producers had to cut out a lot of it because it's a bit tough to follow. At any rate, it only makes me love him more, especially when he sheepishly acknowledges that he did trash Amanda for doing the same thing.
Just as I begin to wonder why Malan has been so quiet, he gets his time to shine. He's gotten lots of support, and says parents should support their gay children no matter what. Aww. He gets a fan question about his accent, which he says is derivative of living all over the world. Hmm...I'm not buying it. He gets a good evil laugh montage, though.
The designers generally agree that the most enjoyable challenge was the dog challenge, and the worst was the mom challenge. Heeere we go. As we relive the Jeffrey/Angela's mom footage, Angela looks very tense. Apparently, although time has passed, neither Jeffrey or Angela has changed their view of the incident. Jeffrey says he didn't mean to make Darlene cry, but felt like she was going to stab him in the back on the runway. Angela disagrees, although I'm not sure I do, thinking back. Still no need to be a dick, though. And the outfit really, really sucked.
Laura sensibly points out that Angela's mom took the outfit more personally than the other moms, who were ready to work with whatever they were given. Angela thinks this would be a great time to say that if she and Jeffrey had met under different circumstances, they could have been friends. This gets the awkward silence and then laughter it deserves.
And now, confirmation that Vincent was actually crazier than they portrayed him on the show! We see a clip of him totally FREAKING OUT about the producers doing his laundry wrong. For reals. Jumping around, swearing like crazy, yelling. The producer he's directing this vitriol toward kind of hilariously shrugs. And Michael and Kayne, hanging out on the roof, can hear Vincent yelling and swearing as he leaves the building. Ha!
And now...the fan favorite winner of $10,000: It's Michael! Well-deserved, I'd say, although I was secretly rooting for Alison. Michael Kors and Nina bring out the giant check, and then sit down and explain how they score the designers' outfits every challenge. Nothing new or surprising here. But then, the designers get to ask the judges questions! Alison, demand an explanation!
Kayne asks if his (awesome) couture dress would have been better if it had been another color. Michael Kors answers that it's cool if over-the-top is Kayne's taste, but he needed to temper it more. Whatever, Michael. You're orange. Tim brings up Alison's elimination. Finally! She says she's moved on, but actually knew something was wrong when she saw the model walk down the runway in her paper dress. Don't give in, Alison! You were robbed! Laura asks whether the judges go with their gut reactions when they're deciding who's in and who's out. It sounds like they partly do. Whatever, judges, I want more crazy!
We see a funny clip of an alarm going off during judging, and also a clip of Jeffrey farting. That was really unnecessary. Interestingly, Marilinda almost passed out during judging on the last challenge. And yet continued on, Monique. Amanda, apparently, also had issues with feeling faint on the runway. This fuels my suspicion that models are so sickly from starving themselves that they can't exert any more energy than the amount required to walk the runway. I mean, you don't see any of the designers passing out during judging, and they're under a lot more pressure.
Wrapping up, America thinks that Vincent is a bigger drama queen/king than Jeffrey, Angela, or Keith. I don't see how anyone could think differently after the laundry clip. Predictions-wise, the every designer gets picked by at least a couple contestants. I'd say there was no clear favorite.
And we get bonus predictions from previous contestants! Jay thinks Michael Knight will win, because the gay white guy-->Asian immigrant-->Black guy progression is an obvious one. Chloe sort of agrees, calling Michael a "male black version of [herself]." Kara and Daniel V. pick Uli, while Daniel Franco picks Laura AND thinks she would be a great CEO. Okay, Daniel. Robert Plotkin picks Daniel Franco.
And that's all she wrote. Well...that was okaaay, Bravo, but more alcohol and better montages next time, okay?
America's Next Top Model: Floating Runway of Not Enough Doom
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Monique is a crazy bitch. Also, haircuts and stuff.
What's the deal with these theme song remixes? Top Model, Veronica Mars...these are not improvements. In fact, they are muted, weak sauce versions of the totally fierce originals. Consider yourself on notice, CW.
We begin this week's installment of Top Model by shattering my preconceived stereotypes about models being dumb. The girls have lined all their mattresses up on the stairs, and are using them as a giant slide. That's...totally genius, and looks crazy fun. Why didn't I think of that when I lived in a dorm?!
Everyone's bummed that Megan's gone and Monique is still there. They think Monique should've been out because she's a crazy bitch. Um, guys, it's not "America's Next Top Best Friend," remember? (Wow, I actually might miss Jade a little.) They drag their bummed selves outside to...walk on a tightrope in front of Miss Jay and a couple carnies, or something (small hands...smell like cabbage). It's supposed to teach them posture. Next week: The contestants have to look fierce as they walk over hot coals. God, that's actually plausible at this point. Sigh.
After they get back to the house, Melrose makes the fatal mistake of trying to use the phone when Monique (not content to rest on her phone bitch laurels after staying on the phone for three and a half hours the other night) claims to have called it. Let's just say that Melrose and Monique are NOT BFF and leave it at that. Except that we can't, because Monique goes into Melrose's room while she's sleeping and rubs her dirty panties all over Melrose's bed. Ew! What the hell, Monique?! Melrose is SO going to wind up with crabs or something before this episode is over.
The next morning, the girls arrive at their challenge site to find Bre, from Cycle 5! Maybe she can give Monique immature freakout tips. Although she's supposedly there to show them how to walk. On cobblestones. In a straight line. In heels. With a vision-impairing mask. Because god knows if you can't do that, you can never be a top model.
A bunch of girls stumble, but A.J. wins, and her prize is to go to Austin and model in a Dennis Quaid charity show, or something. Yeah. She somewhat bitchily doesn't pick Brooke as one of the two to go with her, even though it's Brooke's hometown and she really, really wants to go. Which, fine, but A.J. does this lame interview where she's all, "Yeah, I know it's her hometown and she really wants to go, bless her heart, but..." and makes it sound like she had no choice but to pick CariDee and Megg. Whatever, A.J. At least be up-front about it. They meet Dennis Quaid (Score!) and walk the show, along with a few Top Model alumni. Also, I am SO DONE with Megg's fake "ROCK AND ROLL!" thing.
Meanwhile, karma shows its ugly face, and Monique is really sick. I'm just going to take a second to say that I watch a fair number of reality shows that feature stress, back-to-back challenges, etc., and that way less contestants on those shows get sick than on Top Model. Is it possible that starving yourself and overexercising so that you can be 5'10" and weigh 115 lbs. isn't healthy?
At the hospital, they say Monique's dehydrated, but she tries to go to the shoot/runway show and power through. Once she gets there, she's too tired and has to go back home. Um, doesn't she know that'll get her kicked out? As one of the twins rightly points out, Danielle (I'm sorry, Dani) managed to pull an IV out of her arm and rock a photo shoot on elephants last cycle.
The big photo shoot this week is actually a runway show, with the photographs coming from a photographer at the end of the runway. The floating runway. The floating runway made of separate, unstable blocks. HA! CariDee (who is totally funny and growing on me) flashes everyone the whole way with a boob falling out of her dress. Eugena falls in a little. The rest of the show is disappointingly uneventful. Oh, and the clothes they had to wear were largely uuugly.
At judging, the girls have to balance a bowl of fruit on their heads as they do a runway walk. Jaeda is bizarrely good at it. Do men have better posture than women? If so, that's an unfair advantage.
The judges, surprisingly, hardly have anything bad to say about the girl's photos. The only ones they all really don't like are Megg's and Eugena's. They looove A.J. They're judging Monique's past photos and overall performance, and don't give her a hard enough time for skipping the challenge, in my opinion. Huh. Although they do sing a funny song about her entitled "She don't wanna be here no more." Tyra gets a bit too into it.
It's down to Monique and Eugena, and...Monique's out. Good riddance, and props to the producers for not just keeping her around for drama. The rest of the girls stand by in thinly disguised glee. Monique thinks she wasted her time there. Whatever, Monique.
Kidnapped: Not cool, you guys
Leopold is still smart, and Conrad's past is still coming back to haunt him. But what I find most perplexing is this subplot with Knapp and the lighter-flicking inmate, the one who looks like Bill Gates. Bill seems to be in charge of providing Knapp's backstory bit by bit, because he tells us that he kidnapped his own sister and Knapp never found her (which clearly haunts him), and that Knapp left the FBI due to "mental exhaustion." Which, coincidentally, is what I'm getting from Bill. He talks in circles, never getting to the point, and mysteriously knows a lot. I think he might be trying to do "criminal genius," but it comes off more like "irritating little brother."
Remember how I told you last week that Aubrey wasn't as smart as her brother? Yeah, she's also a complete brat. She can't understand why her parents have to act like nothing's wrong, and she complains about them constantly and speculates that she's adopted. She tells her stoner friend about the kidnapping and he tells his friend, who goes on to threaten Ellie at the party. And she's snide to the very cool Agent Atkins. However, it's that very special kind of snide that, combined with some other incidents, including a half-naked one, makes it clear the writers are trying to set up some sort of flirtation between them. That is... the only words I have to adequately express my thoughts about that are "not cool." Not only is it completely inappropriate, but Aubrey spends the entire episode acting like a spoiled child, and not even Bill deserves to be saddled with that.
Also? Atkins can teleport. Just like Hiro. I'm serious. One scene, he's in the Cains' apartment, being snotted at by Aubrey and tasked with taking her to Barney's. Two seconds later, he's in a briefing at the FBI. Either the continuity guys are slacking off, or Atkins can teleport. And since I like Atkins, I'm going with the teleporation angle.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Gilmore Girls: It's not me, it's you.
Well, after four good years (I didn't start watching until the second season, and last season was far from "good"), Gilmore Girls and I are finally calling it quits. We've been on the rocks for a while, ever since Rory stopped being a cool smartie and started being a whiny, boy-crazy fool. We even stopped talking when Luke's long-lost daughter popped up, turning Lorelei, one of my favorite characters on TV, into a mopey doormat.
When I heard that Amy Sherman-Palladino was leaving for sunnier climes, I thought maybe it would give me and the Girls a fresh start--a new lease on our relationship. Sadly, that doesn't seem to be the case. The romance is gone. Things I once found charming about Gilmore Girls - Kirk's kooky shenanigans, for example - I now find stale and vaguely annoying. The main plotlines have grown overly angsty (and the townsfolk plotlines have gone from quirky to ridiculous in an attempt to compensate), and the once-delightful characters are now weighed down with all kinds of baggage.
So long, Gilmore Girls. Maybe I'll hear great things about the rest of your new season and we'll have a torrid fling on DVD. Until then, I'll enjoy the good old times in syndication on ABC Family.
Veronica Mars: Making new, awesome friends at college
Strap in for season three of Veronica Mars, where there are big changes! She's starting her freshman year of college, she's got new friends, some old ones have joined the main cast (yay Mac!), we're getting smaller, bite-size mysteries instead of a season-long mystery, and there's a new remix of the theme song. That last one I'm not too happy about. Veronica Mars used to have the only theme song I would actually sit through and rock out to without changing the channel. I'm afraid that theme song has been severely weakened.
Still strong: the snappy dialogue and the awesome characters. Veronica, Keith, Wallace, Mac, I missed you all. Dick, I don't care if you're drunk and homeless, you're still [a] Dick. As for the new characters: promising. Mac's new roommate Parker is... well, the name Parker pretty much says it all. She's bubbly and blonde and wants to carry Mac around in her purse like she's a little bichon frise. Wallace's new roommate Piz is instantly endearing. And he has a total thing for Veronica. Rob Thomas, is this because you always need to have two options for Veronica? And now that Duncan is gone, you need another Emergency Backup Boyfriend? Is she not allowed to be single? Besides, we all know things aren't going to end well for Piz, because Logan was here first and he just gave Veronica a key to his suite to show her he's serious. And I like Piz too much already to see him go the way of George.
On the mystery front: Veronica is on the case of Piz's missing stuff, Keith brings a guy to Kendall's hideout who ends up shooting her, and it looks like Mystery #1 is the campus rapist, because Parker's been raped and shaved.
Friday Night Lights: Just like real football
I was undecided going into Friday Night Lights as to whether this would be a show I like or not. On the one hand, I do like inspirational sports movies, which, if done correctly, are the fluffy, delicious marshmallows of the box office. But I've never liked football, much less high school football. And I didn't grow up in Texas, or anywhere near Texas, so I have no concept of the high school football craze that exists there. Add to this the extremely off-putting interview that Buzz Bissinger, the man who wrote the original book, gave with Forbes. He dismisses all TV as "silly," and you can tell that he barely even watches TV, if he does at all, because he just rehearses all the tired old arguments as to why TV sucks, picking on reality shows in particular. Actual TV critics don't even pick on reality shows anymore. It's played out. He does make the valid point that Studio 60 is a "paean" to Aaron Sorkin's genius, but it's also an unintentionally hilarious point, as he, too, is saying that his show is better - more "real" is what he says - than all the other shows out there. Precisely what Sorkin's show is saying about itself. He's not going to be winning any humble-offs against Sorkin, is what I'm saying. And at least Sorkin has the chops to back it up.
So I don't care about high school football, and I already want to kick the guy whose book inspired the show in the grill. What am I doing watching this show? Oh, right, the inspirational sports story. Well, there's not actually a lot of the inspirational sports story about it. No conflict between the coach and the players, players not really overcoming anything - the most we get is the backup quarterback having to step up after the star is taken off the field in a stretcher. And after a pep talk from the coach, he puts out a great performance and wins the game. Ordinarily, I would like that sort of story, but I just didn't feel it. Because the show is filmed documentary-style, it looks a lot like real football. Which makes it, to me, just as boring.
Even in the non-football scenes, I had problems. They updated the story and set the show in present day, but it still feels dated. It doesn't help that the star quarterback busts out an "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" line. Seriously, what is up with the resurgence of that line? It was eight friggin' years ago. Does anyone still find it funny? And there's a bit of pretentiousness to the writing that, frankly, I'm not surprised by (see above re: Buzz). Consider: we're not even out of Act I when the coach's daughter starts spelling out the parallels between Moby-Dick and the team. Guess no one ever told her rule #1 of writing: show, don't tell.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Studio 60: "Can we have this conversation moving?"
Matt, Danny, and the cast of Studio 60 learned last night that focus groups are bad and throw off our confidence, but can also be used to manipulate our partners into bashing Bush more on national television. So...go, focus groups!
Amanda Peet learned that you should never, ever make the common mistake of marrying too young. Especially if your husband makes you go to sex parties during your nine months of marriage, and then waits until you're famous to write a book about it.
Ricky and Ron learned that you shouldn't backhandedly diss Matt on national television if there's any chance you'll ever be working for him, even four years later. Because he will Fuck. You. Up. Or at least be sort of mean and not let you write any sketches.
Tom and Simon learn that Harriet, as a devout Christian, has the power to make the electricity go on and off at will. Through God. Or something. And also that you shouldn't be mean to townsfolk who make bread and don't like Grease.
Happily, once everyone's learned their lessons they get to have a swingin' afterparty, complete with groupies and the fabulous news that they retained 109% of last week's audience! So all's well that ends well. I'm pretty much still on the same page with this show: Love it, enjoy it greatly, wish it were a little less West Wing. And I really do think Bradley Whitford has a lot of work to do in that department, as does Aaron Sorkin in writing Danny.
And...does anyone else feel like the Good Ship Danny/Jordan might have set sail a little last night? Or at least unfurled its flag?
Heroes: Grunberg's back, everyone!
We've already discussed on this blog the many ways in which Greg Grunberg rocks, including out loud, and all of you who know him already love him, so I'm not going to preach to the choir here. On Alias, Agent Eric Weiss was an island of affable normalcy - sanity, even - in a sea of tortured characters and mythic events. Unfortunately, things are not looking good for Officer Matt Parkman being the same here. Although it could just be because he's having a really bad day. He's stuck directing traffic outside of a crime scene, he's flunked the detective test for the third time, he and his wife are in counseling, and when he uses his telepathic ability to find the little girl hiding in the house, he's treated like a suspect and arrested. Worst of all, he doesn't even appear in the episode until 40 minutes in, and that for only about five minutes. Listen up, Heroes writers: please, please don't make Matt another one of those angsty characters. That's not where Greg Grunberg shines, and that's not why we love him. You've got a really funny, charming actor here. If you're going the "born loser" route with Matt, it's cool, as long as you let him crack a joke once in a while. Please?
On to the big arcs. Last week, I thought Glasses Man only adopted Claire because of her ability, or, at least, her potential ability. And while that may be true, Glasses Man and Claire actually had some pretty nice scenes together. So maybe he really does love her. Except that he did get all sinister at the end when watching her videotape. So I'm completely perplexed. And I love it. Also, there's a serial killer named Sylar out there, "made" by Papa Suresh, and he likes to saw the tops of people's heads off and take their brains. Is Glasses Man too obvious a suspect?
Niki's storyline is getting more appealing, because I still have no idea what's going on with that and I'm hoping for a good payoff. Mama Petrelli cements her position as Worst Mother Ever by telling Peter that he's her favorite. First, most mothers, if they can choose at all, know better than that, and second, it's Peter. Petey Petulant gets up on the roof and threatens to jump again if Nathan doesn't tell him what happened, so of course he does, and of course they both flew. I'm so tired of Peter, I'm already looking forward to five weeks from now, when he and the rest of New York gets nuked. Just ask Hiro, he was there.
Prison Break: The best reason to watch old movies
Oh, Tweener, that poor dumb kid. You know, I can't help but think that if he had ever seen The Great Escape, he might still be alive. Because then he would know that when you're being taken back to prison after having broken out, you don't get out of the damn car when they stop it.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Desperate Housewives: Great Taste, Less Filling!
This week's Desperate Housewives was action-packed! And yet...not. Let's see:
Lynette has almost reached her breaking point with Tom's baby-momma, even going so far as to set her up with Carlos at Bree's wedding (yeah, I'll get to that one) in an attempt to distract Nora from making Lynette's life miserable. Gabby gets really angry and Lynette claims to be on the brink of flipping out, but...they make up and Gabby says that Lynette and Tom were built to last anything, even Nora.
Gabby and Carlos are at each other's throats while dividing their assets, and they realize that they have to try and be civil to each other if they're going to be parents. Gabby reaches out and invites Carlos to Bree's wedding reception after Carlos gives her his mama's pearls, but they quickly start fighting again once Gabby makes clear to Carlos that their relationship is permanently over. Xiao-Mei interrupts their fight by gushing amniotic fluid all over the dance floor (yeah, ew), and it's baby time! But...the embryos got switched, and it's not actually their baby. They don't have a baby. Yeah.
Susan fights with her feelings for Ian, who wussily pretends that she's a neurosurgeon when his comatose wife's parents run into he and Susan on their first date. She's feeling guilty about Mike, but Ian's really into her, and even stalks her at Bree's wedding reception, where they play dueling toasts with a "Go after love at all costs" vs. "Be cautious" theme. But...nothing actually happens between them, and everything's still up in the air.
Edie's hot nephew is in town, and he tries to get fresh with Susan's daughter while she tries to pretend he's not hot. They run into each other at Bree's wedding reception and sort of exchange barbs. But...they go their separate ways, never to be seen again in this episode.
And Bree's wedding! The girls try and gently convince her to not, you know, marry a cold-blooded wife-killer. She doesn't listen in the end, after Orson unconvincingly assures her at the altar that he's not a murderer. He just happens to thoroughly clean his house with bleach in stressful situations, like when his wife disappears without a trace. Then, the wedding reception is interrupted by police officers who want him to come downtown and identify a body they dug up. A body...missing all its teeth! But...it's not his wife, a fact confirmed by Roseanne's sister. BUT...he totally says something in French to the body (whom he calls "Monique") as they're leaving! Serial killer, much? So yeah, I guess something happened.
The Amazing Race: Enjoy the journey, but remember to read your clue
We continue our tour of communist and communist-adjacent countries with a trip to Vietnam. I have to say, I'm loving the intinerary this year. There have now been two countries in a row that the race has never been to (Update 10/2 p.m.: Um, apparently the race has been to Vietnam before. Whoopsie!) and that you rarely see on TV. This is the best part of The Amazing Race: being introduced to the culture of countries you might never see otherwise. Happily, we have teams like Mary and David and Erwin and Godwin who like this part of the race, too.
Anyway, teams are sent to Hanoi to visit the Hanoi Hilton. And while this seems like a bit of a downer, it's not the first time the show has visited a memorial. It's nice of them to recognize these places 
where terrible things happened, but the only two teams who really take a moment and appreciate what happened at the prison are Tom and Terry and Erwin and Godwin. Yes, Erwin and Godwin again. Those Cho brothers are really growing on me. They got off to an inauspicious start with the water pistols at the airport (stupid), but they have a great attitude and they work hard. And as their reward, they come in first for this leg. See? You should always take a moment to appreciate where you are.
Not having such a good leg are Duke and Lauren. Their local guide screws them over by taking their cab to her brother's place before they go to the prison, leaving them without enough money to pay their cab, and they get completely lost on the way to the Detour and end up at the complete opposite Detour from the one they wanted. They are, unfortunately, eliminated, but they still love each other. So good for them.
Tom and Terry, meanwhile, have severe reading-the-clue problems. They get in trouble for taking a motorbike during the leg, which they're not allowed to do for safety reasons. So they have to take a 30-minute penalty at the mat and think about what they did. You guys know Phil is only grounding you because he loves you and he wants you to be safe, right?
We've also got two teams with severe leg problems. Mary's ankle is still bad, and Sarah's knee just gets worse, to the point where she's actually crawling across the rice paddy to the pit stop. How much further can these teams go? CBS has already lost the Indian-American and the Muslim teams, and they're really not going to want to lose the woman with the prosthetic leg. They might have to send their interns in to top up her hydraulic fluid while she sleeps. If she doesn't know about it, it's not a rules violation!
Sunday, October 01, 2006
SNL: We're takin' you to a home
I don't want to sound like Bernadette with her many cats, but I'm here to complain about Saturday Night Live. I watched part of the season premiere last night. I don't know why, I guess I thought it could be worthwhile. It wasn't.
There was a skit, about five minutes too long, about Al Pacino checking his bank balance. And, in continuing the theme of jokes that go on long past they're funny, we got a skit with Bill Clinton and Condoleezza Rice that was essentially a three-minute riff on the theme "Bill and Condi have totally done it." There was one funny joke about Bill leaving a comprehensive anti-terrorism strategy on the nightstand, because it was relevant.
The worst effort had to have been "Dustin Diamond" appearing on Weekend Update to talk about his sex tape. They just threw a loud shirt on some guy and had him make endless Saved by the Bell "jokes" in a squeaky voice. Listen, you guys, have you not seen Dustin Diamond since Saved by the Bell? Remember Celebrity Boxing? Bigger, buffer, and with a goatee that said he meant to take down Horshack. And how is Saved by the Bell the only joke fodder you have for a guy who's spent months trying to get people to give him money to save his house? You can't make a joke, say, about how he had to leak the tape himself because no one else would do it? Tina Fey is ashamed of you.
You know how Matt said on Studio 60, "We decide what's cool"? SNL hasn't decided what's cool in years. It hasn't even been cool in years. The "cutting edge of political and social satire" is The Daily Show. Their humor is sometimes crude, but it's always sharp. Consider a punch line from last week: "Bear Determined to Defecate Inside Woods," the Daily Show writers' take on the report about how the Iraq war has actually fueled terrorism. Jon and his writers know you'll get the reference. They trust you. But SNL either can't make a joke like that or won't trust you to get it. The same is true of Robin Williams, whose new movie is ostensibly about what would happen of Jon Stewart ran for president. But Robin Williams always plays himself in comedies, so his humor is much, much dumber. I mean, come on. "I did not have sex with that woman. I wanted to"? Don't get razor burn from that cutting-edge material, Robin.
In the words of Tenacious D: Pass the torch, SNL. Pass the torch.
