America's Next Top Model: Floating Runway of Not Enough Doom

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Monique is a crazy bitch. Also, haircuts and stuff.

What's the deal with these theme song remixes? Top Model, Veronica Mars...these are not improvements. In fact, they are muted, weak sauce versions of the totally fierce originals. Consider yourself on notice, CW.

We begin this week's installment of Top Model by shattering my preconceived stereotypes about models being dumb. The girls have lined all their mattresses up on the stairs, and are using them as a giant slide. That's...totally genius, and looks crazy fun. Why didn't I think of that when I lived in a dorm?!

Everyone's bummed that Megan's gone and Monique is still there. They think Monique should've been out because she's a crazy bitch. Um, guys, it's not "America's Next Top Best Friend," remember? (Wow, I actually might miss Jade a little.) They drag their bummed selves outside to...walk on a tightrope in front of Miss Jay and a couple carnies, or something (small hands...smell like cabbage). It's supposed to teach them posture. Next week: The contestants have to look fierce as they walk over hot coals. God, that's actually plausible at this point. Sigh.

After they get back to the house, Melrose makes the fatal mistake of trying to use the phone when Monique (not content to rest on her phone bitch laurels after staying on the phone for three and a half hours the other night) claims to have called it. Let's just say that Melrose and Monique are NOT BFF and leave it at that. Except that we can't, because Monique goes into Melrose's room while she's sleeping and rubs her dirty panties all over Melrose's bed. Ew! What the hell, Monique?! Melrose is SO going to wind up with crabs or something before this episode is over.

The next morning, the girls arrive at their challenge site to find Bre, from Cycle 5! Maybe she can give Monique immature freakout tips. Although she's supposedly there to show them how to walk. On cobblestones. In a straight line. In heels. With a vision-impairing mask. Because god knows if you can't do that, you can never be a top model.

A bunch of girls stumble, but A.J. wins, and her prize is to go to Austin and model in a Dennis Quaid charity show, or something. Yeah. She somewhat bitchily doesn't pick Brooke as one of the two to go with her, even though it's Brooke's hometown and she really, really wants to go. Which, fine, but A.J. does this lame interview where she's all, "Yeah, I know it's her hometown and she really wants to go, bless her heart, but..." and makes it sound like she had no choice but to pick CariDee and Megg. Whatever, A.J. At least be up-front about it. They meet Dennis Quaid (Score!) and walk the show, along with a few Top Model alumni. Also, I am SO DONE with Megg's fake "ROCK AND ROLL!" thing.

Meanwhile, karma shows its ugly face, and Monique is really sick. I'm just going to take a second to say that I watch a fair number of reality shows that feature stress, back-to-back challenges, etc., and that way less contestants on those shows get sick than on Top Model. Is it possible that starving yourself and overexercising so that you can be 5'10" and weigh 115 lbs. isn't healthy?

At the hospital, they say Monique's dehydrated, but she tries to go to the shoot/runway show and power through. Once she gets there, she's too tired and has to go back home. Um, doesn't she know that'll get her kicked out? As one of the twins rightly points out, Danielle (I'm sorry, Dani) managed to pull an IV out of her arm and rock a photo shoot on elephants last cycle.

The big photo shoot this week is actually a runway show, with the photographs coming from a photographer at the end of the runway. The floating runway. The floating runway made of separate, unstable blocks. HA! CariDee (who is totally funny and growing on me) flashes everyone the whole way with a boob falling out of her dress. Eugena falls in a little. The rest of the show is disappointingly uneventful. Oh, and the clothes they had to wear were largely uuugly.

At judging, the girls have to balance a bowl of fruit on their heads as they do a runway walk. Jaeda is bizarrely good at it. Do men have better posture than women? If so, that's an unfair advantage.

The judges, surprisingly, hardly have anything bad to say about the girl's photos. The only ones they all really don't like are Megg's and Eugena's. They looove A.J. They're judging Monique's past photos and overall performance, and don't give her a hard enough time for skipping the challenge, in my opinion. Huh. Although they do sing a funny song about her entitled "She don't wanna be here no more." Tyra gets a bit too into it.

It's down to Monique and Eugena, and...Monique's out. Good riddance, and props to the producers for not just keeping her around for drama. The rest of the girls stand by in thinly disguised glee. Monique thinks she wasted her time there. Whatever, Monique.