America's Next Top Model: Double Episode-Palooza!

Get your fiercest face on, because you're about to be immersed in three hours worth of America's Next Top Model fabulousness!

In last week's premiere episode, we met the new crop of Top Model wannabes. Happily for them, the prettiness bar was lowered so far last cycle that the new models can step right over it. New models: This is not a compliment. Understand that this doesn't mean I think any of you are truly model material. You just aren't as fugly as the last crop. Or as old.

The new models do an initial photo shoot after they get off the plane (parking lots = HOTT) and head over to a big breakfast where they all pretend to eat. Then, I start swearing at my TV as those goddamn "Aswirl Twins" from last cycle show up. The obligatory shrieking reaches fever pitch when Tyra pops by, and we move into auditions and a nude photo shoot, which cleverly serves to weed out the prissy Republicans.

We've got Christian, who does a bunch of Tyra poses for them. CariDee, a conventional-looking blonde who comes out wearing a miniskirt and a fucking garter on one leg, which Miss Jay removes with his teeth. Anchal, a very nervous Indian gal wearing blue contacts who starts to cry when she realizes that the American culture makes her want light-colored eyes.

Michelle (tomboy) and Amanda (girly), obnoxious not-so-pretty but hella skinny twins: "We don't try and be the same. We don't try and be different, either." HAAATE. Megg, who appears happy and bubbly, and yet described herself as dark and intense and totally rock and roll. Riiight. Way to pick a personality and stick to it, Meg. Jaeda, the "hot girl on campus," whom I initially peg as the "too Maxim" contestant of the cycle before realizing that she's actually a man.

Monique, a crier with a troubled background who thought she was ugly as a child because she had the darkest skin in her family. She "wants to go as far as her mind takes [her]." Not to make an obvious "models are dumb" joke, but seriously? As far as your mind takes you and you choose modeling? Eugena, who didn't like the last season's contestants because they were boring. (I'm assuming she called them "boring" because she was too polite to say "ugly.") Brooke, who raps and disappointingly tries to rhyme "classy" with "booty." (What about "assy," Brooke? What about assy?)

Megan was in a plane crash when she was nine; her mom's dead body sheltered her from hypothermia. I think we've hit a new low with the sob stories, Tyra. A.J. tries to bring the tears with her cervical cancer survival story, but has been totally outdone by Megan. Melrose, as Melissa Rose is known, has a strong personality, but a kind of bony face, in my opinion.

Notable also-rans: Evita, who has two kids and a husband in Iraq (come back when you get in a tragic plane crash, bitch), and Cyndel, who is an "entertainer," not a stripper. Tyra wants us all to know that STRIPPING IS NOT MODELING.

The new finalists are challenged to feminize a male model's outfit and walk the runway in it. Melrose is deemed the best, despite her bizarrely bouncy walk and obnoxious "rock and roll" pose at the end. Michelle is the worst, stopping to pull up the leg of her pants. Megg continues to annoy me with her stupid fake "rock and roll" lameness.

The girls shriek anew when they see their "Tyra Magazine"-themed house in Brentwood. And yeah, Tyra magazine is only a matter of time. Unfortunately, all is not well in the house of Tyra. Monique pulls a diva move, hogging the shower and stealing Eugena's bed (there aren't enough beds for all the girls-ha!), and Melrose appoints herself house mom, telling everyone to wash their dishes.

Tyra Mail! "People think models are stupid, anorexic, drug-addicted bitches. Are you?" If you're on this show, probably three out of four, at least. Yes, our photo shoot theme is model stereotypes, the Most Controversial Shoot Ever.

Oddly enough, Monique has trouble portraying a diva throwing a cell phone at her assistant. CariDee is a little too convincing as a dumb blonde. Megg turns in an average performance as a drug addict. Eugena does a good job as a black girl turned white (coughTyracough?). Megan does a good job as a diva with a tiny dog, as do Anchal portraying a narcissist and Brooke portraying a backstabbing bitch, although Brooke has trouble looking pretty AND angry.

Christian lacks pose variety and is boring as a model-turned-actress, but A.J. is much better as a girl "working the casting couch," although it seems she'll be pegged as the girl who doesn't want it enough and has low confidence. Jaeda also suffers from a lack in pose creativity (in addition to being a man).

Michelle and Amanda are fine as a bulimic and anorexic, respectively. So...they're thin, huh? Melrose, who got a personal assistant for the day when she won the challenge, slowed down the shoot AND didn't do a good job playing a $10,000 a day model. Apparently she photographs somewhat old. And she, like many wannabe top models before her, cries about it.

Melrose and Christian wind up in the bottom two, and we say goodbye to Christian on account of her not looking like a model in person and being boring on film.

Aaaand...it's MAKEOVER NIGHT! But first, let me take a moment to say that the new remix of the theme song is Not Fierce. Okay, back to makeovers!

Melrose goes platinum blond, which does make her look a bit younger. Brooke goes chocolate brown, which helps to dial down the cuteness and dial up the prettiness. Eugena looks fine with long extensions, Megan's pixie cut is dyed white blonde in a definite improvement over her boring, slightly piggish previous look, and Anchal gets shorter, more layered hair. CariDee gets a blonde weave that makes her look kind of like a porn star.

A.J.'s is shorter, straighter, and lighter, in our first makeover-gone-wrong of the night. She looks more masculine, and her nose totally looks bigger. She manages to improve it with some intense product application and spiking later in the night, though. Megg gets lotsa hair with a curly weave, and Michelle and Amanda both go red. Michelle's is more orangeish and textured, while Amanda's is darker and straighter, and they both look pretty good.

Jaeda's our first crier of the night with a short, Halle Berry-esque cut. Wow, Tyra. Way to take a girl that already looks extremely mannish and transform her into a total transvestite. I mean, wow. Monique cries, but I'm not really sure why, since all she got was a less textured weave, from what I can tell. Melrose also cried, but at least she looks better.

The girls are sent on a crazy challenge that involves getting dressed and putting on makeup in an elevator, and meeting Queen Latifah. I'll spare you the details, but Eugena wins. Monique, pissed that she got disqualified from the challenge for being slow, turns into a total diva phone hog.

Onward to the big photo shoot, where the girls wear crazy elaborate hair pieces with, like, moving parts and everything and attempt to keep from being overwhelmed by them in the photos. Jay basically tells Megan to think of her dead mother while she's posing, but it doesn't work, and she is outshone by her hair. Jaeda joins her in the bottom two, but avoids the cut. Goodbye, Megan. You lost to a dude.