The Bachelor: If you give it up to ALL the girls, it's not special anymore

This week's episode of The Bachelor was a blessed 45 minutes short. Brad takes the remaining three gals to Cabo San Lucas, where they'll be living in sin for the next few days. And seriously? This dude gets more boring with each and every episode. How on Earth are they all falling in love with him? Unless...you don't think the love is fake, do you?

Jenni gets the first date, where they'll be swimming with a dolphin. It's supposed to be cutesy and magical and full of bare chests and bikinis, but really it's kind of sad and embarrassing for the dolphin and full of lifejackets and wet scraggly hair. Afterward, Brad tries to get Jenni to tell him how she's feeling, and she acts unusually coy, saying she's afraid to get too attached or some junk like that. But then they kiss and make it better, of course.

At dinner, Brad flatters Jenni with a bunch of cheesy platitudes ("Thanks for being you!"), which somehow convinces Jenni that she's completely in love and needs to prove it. She tells Brad that it's hard for her to say how she feels, but it's easier for her to show it. And then talks about something special that Brad has in his pocket. (...Or is he just happy to see her?) And he actually tells her to grab it. And she does! What the- oh, it's a "fantasy suite card." Which apparently means that they get to go back to a candlelit bedroom. So...actually pretty much exactly what I was joking about. They show a lot of cuddling and smooching on the bed before Brad gets up and closes the door. (oooOOOOoooo!)

The next morning, after telling us how "incredible" and "amazing" the last night and day with Jenni were, Brad heads out sailing with Bettina and a racing crew. Fun! And, of course, full of shots of Brad shirtless and Bettina in a bikini. Including some oddly zoomed-in shots of Brad's torso. At dinner, Bettina brings up her family's issues with Brad, framing it as concern that he wasn't as into her as she was into him. Riiiiight...that's exactly what the issue was. Nothing at all about owning bars and dropping out of college! He's not really buying it, and asks whether she'd even be willing to move to Austin for him. She agrees immediately, which he appreciates.

However, the dinner conversation is still uncomfortable for him. And so, to lighten things up and bring her to a more "relaxed setting," he drops the fantasy suite card. So...this magical card can be used as a reward when a date is going well, PLUS as a cure for a bad date. Amazing! In the hot tub, Bettina flatters him into a makeout session, and claims in an interview to be falling in love with him. Not buying it, Bettina. Just not buying it.

Last but not least is DeAnna, who gets to race dune buggies with Brad. She gives him more than a run for his money, which he appreciates, to his credit. He says he's been looking forward to that evening since he first met her, and she interviews about how in normal relationships you totally sleep together all the time. ...And what part of this relationship is normal, yo? At dinner with Brad, DeAnna admits that she's falling in love with him. He says "hm" after confirming that she meant it, and kisses her. Aaand hits her with the fantasy suite card. Playa! So wait, he's sleeping with all of them? Seriously? Won't that make him feel guilty about eliminating one of them? Or are they not actually allowed to sleep together? This show is pretty bananas.

On his way to the rose ceremony, Brad perfectly expresses what I can't possibly put into words: "The weather here in Cabo is very fitting, because it's tumultuous, and that's exactly how I feel." Oh, Brad. You're so...deep. He blathers on a bit about heartbreaking decisions and caring for everyone before giving the first rose to Jenni. The next and last rose, after an appropriately dramatic pause, is given to DeAnna, which is possibly the least surprising elimination ever. Yes, now that he's in control of the situation rather than last week, when Bettina and her family were rejecting him, Brad cuts Bettina loose. He tells her that he's not sure he knows who she really is, and she accepts it with a lot more grace and a lot less crying than almost anyone else. Which really almost confirms that she wasn't as invested as everyone else, doesn't it?

Next week: Reunion special! Hillary! Jade! Chad! And then some more family-meeting, and some sort of begging episode. So for those of you who, like me, were hoping we'd have a winner next week, prepare to be very, very disappointed. But also possibly entertained, because reunion specials are kind of awesome.