The Bachelor: It's not the fall that kills you

Tonight's Bachelor proved that assertiveness pays off, while falling down the stairs does not. It was also chock full passive aggression, actual aggression, and fake boobs in bikinis. Also giant hats. So really, something for everyone.

There are two group dates this week, each with a rose up for grabs. And apparently, these dates are revealed in "date boxes," which contain crazy date-related items as well as the names of the women going. The first date box contains a leather riding crop, a toy, and some intriguing fashion accessories. Yeah, not as interesting as it sounds. It's a day at the races (how old school!), and Karen, McCarten, Kristy, Mallory, Hillary, Jade, and DeAnna will be attending. In giant hats, to boot. Brad gives all the women cash with which to bet, hoping it will tell him something about their personalities. I'd probably keep all but, like, $1 of the cash. Which probably does say something about me.

The next date box contains beach stuff. Solisa claims that it's a "way better date" than the racetrack one, and while at first I'm inclined to chalk it up to sour grapes, I concede her the point when she mentions bikinis. With those gazongas, any bikini time is a good thing for her. Plus, she'll never drown! (And I'll never get sick of that joke.) But amidst the jubilation, tragedy strikes! Michele injures herself falling on the stairs in the mansion, and needs to be carried out on a stretcher by EMTs, with her neck stabilized. Yikes. The girls try not to act too excited by the potential loss of a competitor.

Back at the races, Hillary and Brad are really hitting it off. And the rest of the girls, watching them with binoculars from the stands, are totally jealous. But quickly distracted by a celebrity visitor--Shaun Phillips, who is apparently a linebacker for the Chargers. I don't believe for a second that all those girls really recognized him. The party mood is ruined when Michele calls Brad to inform him of her fall down the stairs. As he tells the girls of Michele's accident, and that she has a mild concussion, their expressions range from barely-restrained glee to completely unrestrained glee.

McCarten even manages, right after Brad delivers the news, to passive-aggressively question the fact that Michele managed to call him, even with a (supposed) concussion. In an interview, her initial reaction is to ask how Michele even got his phone number. Wow. I just- wow. I mean, setting aside the fact that obviously the producers got that number into Michelle's hot little injured hand as quickly as humanly possible, are these chicks even human? Dang. McCarten uses the stunned silence to press Brad for some one-on-one time. Brad's not into it the conversation with her, and he trashes the kiss they shared in an interview. HA! I kind of like Brad. Also? McCarten sucks.

DeAnna and Brad, on the other hand, definitely hit it off during their one-on-one time, and she gets the rose. Suck it, McCarten! As they try and share some quality time and possibly a little smooching, the daters who didn't get roses intentionally bust in on them. Tacky! Jade is the ringleader, but Hillary is also pretty upset she didn't get the rose.

Michele is too injured to go to the beach, but Brad visits her before he leaves on the date. He's really sweet about it, and finds her toughness attractive. I guess Sheena's interview about "one down" was a bit premature, eh? Out on the beach, the girls pretty much forcibly strip Brad of his shirt. Not that I'm complaining. Because I'm really, really not. Jade decides that the girls on the racetrack date were the "classy" ones of the bunch, and the shots (and I mean that literally) of the beach date don't necessarily prove her wrong. Sarah is the first girl to steal Brad away for solo time, and it goes pretty well. In an image that will be forever burned into my mind, Solisa has Brad do a body shot off of her. And then talks about all her Christian morals and values. Brad's brain almost explodes with the hypocrisy of it all. Jenni and Brad make out a little during their one-on-one time--he seems really into her, more so than any of the other girls we've seen him with. At the house, Hillary and Jade sneak into Jenni's belongings to find her modeling portfolio, which they think proves that she's just on the show to further her career.

In the end, though, Sarah gets the rose out of all the "beach babes." Jenni's pretty upset, but I bet he just didn't want to give her two in a row. The roseless women realize that they may need to be a bit more aggressive in the future, right after they relax with some champagne in a hot tub with Brad. And then run around topless (in the dark) on the beach, in Solisa's case. It's weird. She puts her top back on and runs back up, but Brad doesn't seem that into it, much as he tries to be nice.

Back at the mansion, it's time for the rose ceremony after some additional one-on-one time. Brad sits down with Michele first. You know, just to be fair. She interviews that she felt rushed, and makes it pretty obvious as she tries to tell him all her hopes and dreams in one breath, without allowing him to interject. Still gonna say he won't kick off the injured girl, though. Bettina, for her part, has a bit of a confession for Brad: she's been divorced. She doesn't actually make the confession, mind you--she totally wusses out. Mallory, for her part, comes off as a little stupid, and a lot obnoxious. Meanwhile, Jade and Hillary gripe about Jenni's portfolio behind her back, and she overhears them. She's understandably upset, and actually seems like a sweet girl. Jade, of course, tattles to Brad in a vague "I don't want to name names" way. He interviews that he's now trying his best to figure out who's really there for him, and who's just there to have a good time.

At the rose ceremony, Kristy, Bettina, Hillary, Stephy, Sheena, McCarten (BOO!), Jenni, Lindsey (in a lovely dress), Jade (BOO!), and Solisa (seriously?!) all get roses. Is this like Top Model, where the order means something, or is it random? Anyway, this leaves Erin, Mallory, and Michele out in the cold. Wow, ouch. You'd think Michele would at least get a pity rose.

Next week, the girls go to the circus, and Hillary gets a little emotional. Oh, and of course, we have The Most Shocking Cocktail Party Ever, where Brad sends his not-so-identical twin in to sub for him.