The Bachelor: Stop embarrassing yourselves! He's not worth it!

Tonight on The Bachelor, evil triumphs over evil, there's a distinct lack of the Most Shocking ____ Ever, and several catfights almost, but don't quite, materialize. Sigh. There will be three dates: a "very special" one-on-one date, a group date, and a threesome from which only one bachelorette will make it out alive. Jenni gets the one-on-one date, and is very excited. In fact, she's apparently been looking forward to this "all [her] life." That sounds like a really sad life. The usual jealousy and trash-talking ensues, and several girls jealously points out Jenni and Brad's physical chemistry. Hillary is actually super-upset, and is starting to seem like a crazy person. Dating shows are no place for people with jealous streaks.

The one-on-one date is a helicopter ride, which Jenni calls "the most amazing thing [she's] ever done" (again, a little sad). It takes them to a romantic rooftop dinner. The date goes really well, and Jenni gets a rose and a makeout session. She interviews that it feels like he's her boyfriend now, and he's cheating on her with all the other girls. A popular sentiment tonight, incidentally.

McCarten is freaking crazy, you guys. She flips out at people who won't answer her questions, and acts really condescending toward the other girls. DeAnna, for her part, is also the pushy type, and gets into a fight with Jade over why Jade doesn't express her opinion about things. Um, maybe because DeAnna and McCarten are more likely than not to go running to Brad with every little comment everyone makes?

The next date box arrives, and everyone but Jade and DeAnna will be headed on a group date involving a show of some sort. Jade is less than thrilled to be competing with DeAnna, whom she thinks isn't a good person. Wow, I actually dislike both of them, so this is pretty much win-win for me! They all head out to a comedy club in a double-decker bus, for some reason, and find out that they'll be performing at the improv club. Um, nightmare much? God, I hate that stuff. Like, SO much. "If you feel stupid while you're doing it, you're doing it right," according to one of the instructors. How on earth could that be a description of something fun?!

Aaaanyway, Hillary's great at it, Bettina is a bit cringy but does her best, and Kristy just isn't having it. Also, she really, really has a mustache. To the point where it's distracting me from the tearful conversation with Brad discussing how upset she is with her performance. Bettina gets the rose for trying hard even though improv isn't her thing, which really sucks for Hillary, since she was by far the best. But, I guess it's not a talent competition, so...

DeAnna and Jade get their date box. Jade is confident that Brad will see through DeAnna's "fakeness," but I think she's deluding herself a bit, since DeAnna has been one of his favorites since the beginning. They're having a romantic rooftop dinner (I guess Brad's a fan of these?), and with Jade and DeAnna sitting on opposite ends of the table and Brad in the middle, he kind of seems like a spectator at a tennis match. They're reeeally competitive ("As soon as I turned sixteen I started working-" "I started working when I was fourteen."), and DeAnna basically just does her best to fill every moment of dead air in the conversation. Jade and DeAnna both do well in the one-on-one time, but DeAnna comes out on top and gets the rose, predictably. I can't say I'm sorry to see Jade go, though she's gotten a more sympathetic edit in tonight's episode. Brad and DeAnna end the night making out in a rooftop hot tub, and I vomit a little in my mouth.

Back at the mansion, Bettina gives the girls a little chat about marriage, and building a relationship. Rather than listen to her point (you can't rush a lifetime commitment), the girls choose to focus on the revelation that she's been married before. In an interview, Hillary actually compares her to a used car. Right...because I'm sure your tires have never been kicked, Hillary. Or however that crazy metaphor of yours went.

In the pre-ceremony one-on-ones, Kristy doesn't do that well (Brad thinks she may be "too refined" for him) and Sheena reminds us that she's still on the show. Then, awkwardness. Kristy, Bettina, DeAnna, and McCarten ask Brad, taking turns to say each word of the question, who his first kiss was on the show. No one is happy to hear it was Jenni, and Bettina interviews that Jenni sees the show as a competition, and not a way to find love. Bettina half-jokes with the girls that she knew Jenni was the sluttiest one (since beach day was just the first date), and when DeAnna mentions that Jenni had claimed her first kiss was the one-on-one, Bettina less-jokingly calls her a "slut and liar." That was less cool than in the promo, but still kind of awesome. Hillary, whose new nickname is "Sloppy Seconds," says that she doesn't care who he kisses as long as she's the last one he kisses. Actually, let's change "Sloppy Seconds" to "Black Widow"...that had an ominous ring to it.

While the girls confront Jenni about the kiss, they quickly move on to more interesting attack angles. DeAnna asks her who she thought would be eliminated from the threesome date, and when she says that she hoped Jade would be eliminated because she thought he and DeAnna had more chemistry, Bettina passive-aggressively asks her if she wants Brad to be happy, and if so, why she'd want him to come back from the date with someone he has less of a connection with. Um, as Jenni says, because she wants Brad to be happy with HER. Bettina acts all shocked that Jenni sees it as a game, and not a relationship. Um, I'm pretty sure that you don't pray your dude will come home with a chick he loves in a real relationship, Bettina...I don't know how your marriage worked. (Or didn't work, as the case may be. Zing!)

McCarten has a tearful one-on-one with Brad in which she tries to explain her standoffishness with the old "I've been hurt in the past and am too afraid to open up" chestnut. She also slips in a subtle dig at the other girls and their competitiveness, which I thought was McCarten just being passive aggressive, until she had an even more tearful interview about how she hates that she has to share Brad, and she's not even sure if she wants a rose.

At the rose ceremony, Kristy is first to get a rose (really?), followed by Sheena and Hillary (no big surprise there). Stephy has a good-natured exit interview, while McCarten's is a bit more snotty. Literally. Oh, McCarten. You totally sucked. But I'll kind of miss the drama you created.