Hidden Palms: Alcoholic girls just wanna have fun

Last night on Hidden Palms, we finally got some answers. Sort of. It seems Johnny's mysterious online stalker is none other than his mysterious real life stalker, Liza! Liza, by the way, is all kinds of awesome. And is apparently trying to get Johnny to stay away from Greta and Cliff by warning him about what happened to Eddie. And what did happen to Eddie, you ask? He was (pause for effect) MURDERED!!!1! OMG 4realz. (Yeah, the big reveal isn't quite as dramatic on IM.)

We still don't know what Greta and Cliff did last summer--just that whatever happened was terrible enough that she wants it to stay secret. Wants it badly enough to break up with Johnny to protect him from it. Or something. I'm actually guessing she realized that he's a nosy twerp, but whatever. So...they're never going to have sex? I'm just sayin', Falcon Beach does a way better job of hooking its characters up, and it's on ABC Family. This is the CW, for godsakes! I demand trashy summer fare! Anyway, Greta keeps watching this video of Eddie in which he is clearly troubled by some sort of deep dark secret. Oh, and Eddie and Cliff were pranksters to the extreme. Hmm.

Cliff's character is becoming more fleshed-out, if by "more fleshed-out," you mean, "more and more like a gay sociopath." He's moved on from puppy-kicking to alcoholic-enabling, completely ignoring Johnny's wishes that he stay away from Nikki. He also gets into it with his mom's young football-playing stud of a boyfriend. Which, fair enough, the dude's clearly a gold-digging asshole. But yeah, Cliff? Clearly a troubled young fellow.

Nikki, for her part, goes out in a blaze of drunken glory, hosting a crazy party at Johnny's house and then sorrowfully hiking out of Palm Springs to parts unknown. Why is it that on these types of shows you can throw together an out-of-control kegger in the space of an hour, with random attractive partygoers arriving from all over the county? (The county that is full of nothing but old people waiting to die and windmills, if the pilot episode and opening credits are to be believed.) Is there some sort of hot teen phone tree? A Bat-Signal shaped like a cheerleader doing a keg stand, shining from the party's location? A Palm Springs Paul Revere, riding around on a golf cart shouting, "A party is coming! A party is coming!"?

So, will Leslie Jordan be back next week? Will Greta be even blonder and thinner? Will the show become any less crappy? Will any of this matter, since the show is being cancelled, anyway? Tune in and find out, since the CW is burning off two episodes per week until the Independence Day finale!