America's Next Top Model: Now with 100% more model tears!

It's pretty much an indisputable fact that makeover night on America's Next Top Model is a not-to-be-missed television event, on par with the Superbowl or the shocking last ten minutes of an ER sweeps episode. Tonight was no exception, so get psyched! Makeover makeover makeover...for you and meeeee!

We join the wannabe models at the house, where Victoria emphasizes that she's not a model, and didn't really want to be one until recently. Um, not the best way to endear yourself to everyone, Victoria. But who cares about that stuff when there are MAKEOVERS to be had?! (At the Ken Paves Salon, if that means anything to anyone.)

They have a fancy new screen that morphs from their photos into photoshopped pictures of their new looks. Ambreal's hair will be cropped extremely short, Bianca will get long blonde hair, Sarah will get short hair that's a bit longer on top with blonde highlights, and Victoria will get her hair replaced with a combination of straw and seaweed, if the photo is to be believed. Everyone seems pretty excited so far, except for me. I know someone's going bald from the episode's title, and I really, really wanted it to be Bianca. Ah, missed opportunities. Chantal will be getting bangs and extensions, Lisa will also have short hair that's longer on top (a mistake, if you ask me), Jenah will have long blonde hair, and Janet's semi-mullet will be replaced with short dark hair. Ebony will get long straight extensions, Saleisha will get a mod bob with bangs, and Heather won't be change very much (a bit of a trim, and more chestnut coloring).

...Wait. So no one's going completely bald? Even though the episode is entitled, "The Girl Who Goes Bald"? I don't understand. Why did you lie to us, Tyra? WHY?!?! Now everything after this point will be anticlimactic. Sigh. The results are pretty mixed. I'm initially liking Ambreal's, Ebony's (who had a wig glued to her head), and Chantal's cuts the best. I'm not sold on Jenah's, Lisa's, or Saleisha's yet. Everyone else pretty much falls in between (or didn't change very much). Everyone except for...

BIANCA, who actually DID have to go bald in the end! Her hair was apparently too messed up to bleach or do anything else with except wait for it to grow in fresh, and thus Tyra answered my dreams like only Tyra can. Bianca predictably cries as they shave her hair off, and interviews that she feels "defeated." Oh, Bianca. We can only hope. She actually looks pretty great, but they give her a wig to wear for photo shoots anyway.

Nigel meets them in the fashion district with his wife, Crissy Barker. He's married?! What you heard just now was the sound of a million dreams being crushed into powder. Sad, heartbroken powder. With them is Brent Poer, a Covergirl consultant who pimps the website's "makeup mirror" function. The challenge: to pair a dramatic eye with a glossy, nude lip in preparation for a runway show. With the usual dashing between crowded makeup stations, since they only have five minutes. The prize: the look will be uploaded into the "makeup mirror," and they'll shoot a video on how to use the feature. Sarah wins, while Victoria (who is inexperienced with makeup) and Ambreal get some criticism.

TyraMail! "Are you ready to be deflowered?" So...many...jokes... The girls decide that they'll probably be getting photographed naked, but they're actually just going out into nature to be photographed as flowers and plants. Bianca does a fine job as a sunflower, and has finally sort of stopped whining about her hair. And she absolutely knows how to sound positive about it during panel. She may be a witch, but she's not dumb. The judges think her final photo is too stiff, though. Janet is only so-so as hydrangea according to Tyra (and me), but the rest of the judges count her as one of the most improved this week. Heather is weeds, and she totally works the edgy witch look, despite some intensely crazy makeup.

Lisa has trouble giving different looks as bamboo, but her final shot is very fierce. Saleisha also has trouble with her facial expressions as a tulip, and her final photo is terrible. Dead Eyes like crazy. Sarah, portraying ivy, isn't quite as fierce as she could be, but her final shot turns out really well. Ambreal finally stands out as a rose, but can't quite get her face to equal her posing skills. The judges like her final photo, though I'm still not sold on the facial expression. Victoria, who is officially annoying me with the "I'm an unfashionable nerd" thing at this point, is portraying a cactus. She overthinks it, and it shows in her photo. At panel, she interrupts Twiggy to argue that she doesn't have a prickly disposition. Bad call.

Jenah is fantastic as moss, and the photographer promises to use her when she's signed. Ebony finally does a good job as a bird of paradise flower, but Nigel calls her out during panel for not being charming or likeable. Chantal is baby's breath, and gets frustrated and upset when the photographer and Orange Jay keep telling her to do different things. Her final photo, predictably, is weak. And she pulls the rookie move of using the "different advice" excuse during panel, which gets her no sympathy.

At panel, the guest judge is Lionel Deluy, their photographer. In solo deliberation, the judges trash Victoria's and Ebony's attitudes, worry that Sarah is losing weight (jigga-what? I never thought I'd see the day...), and praise Bianca's accidental baldness. They absolutely love Jenah and Heather, and are especially disappointed with Chantal and Saleisha. The first picture goes to Jenah, who is followed by Sarah, Heather (who is Covergirl of the week again!), Lisa, Janet, Ambreal, Ebony, Bianca, and Chantal. Victoria gets praised for her look, but criticized for her attitude. Saleisha's pictures, on the other hand, are disappointing to the judges. She gets another chance, though, and Victoria is sent home. Eh, I'm not that upset. She was getting a little obnoxious, and didn't really want it anyway. She's understandably excited about the lack of high heels and makeup in her future.

Heather and Lisa are still two of my faves, and I'm kind of on the fence about Jenah. On the one hand, I love her pictures, probably more than anyone else's. On the other hand, I'm not really warming up to her as a person, and yet not getting a love-to-hate vibe, either (a la Eva the Diva). Also, her makeover is not flattering.

Next Week: Top Model on Ice!