ANTM: Cycle Premiere, Part Deux

Last hour on America’s Next Top Model, we got our thirteen finalists. This hour, we join the girls as they wander aimlessly around Hollywood until they are met by a randomly motorcycle-riding Orange Jay, who takes them to their first photo shoot. Jay assigns each of them a different political view to express in their photo…interesting! Could Top Model actually turn out a thoughtful, intelligent discussion on politics? (Spoiler alert: NO.) And the photographer is Nigel. Commence shameless macking on hot potential models…NOW!

Kathleen portrays an anti-fur point of view. She says fur “makes you look hot.” Goddammit. She does a pretty crappy job, probably because she’s a baby seal-hating biatch. She then hilariously tells the judges that you should only make fur out of already-dead animals who died fighting in the jungle or something. She’s so dumb I almost feel bad making fun of her. Almost. The judges don’t think she quite understood the concept, and she completely agrees with them. Brittany is portraying a pro-fur point of view. (BOO!) She does a nice job, but gets on my naughty list by saying she doesn’t really have a problem with fur. According to the judges, her photo isn’t too shabby.

Natasha is supposed to be pro-choice, but doesn’t understand what it means. Or how to model. The judges don’t think she connected with the camera enough, and that her picture probably had a camel toe before they airbrushed it out. …Okay, that last part was just me. But it’s still a valid point. Jael is portraying an anti-choice (okay, okay, they call it “pro-life”) point of view, and apparently has a terrible cold. It affects her performance, but the energy she saved by not giving it her all during the shoot is put to good use…hula hooping afterwards. …Riiiiight. The judges don’t think her picture conveys the message enough.

Sarah is portraying what most normal people would call an “anti-death penalty” point of view, but what Orange Jay calls a “pro-life in prison” point of view. Whatever, Orange Jay. She turns out to be the worst kind of show-off—one who doesn’t have the goods to back it up. The judges think she didn’t do enough with the assignment. Jaslene is portraying the pro-death penalty side, and has to pose as a creepy executioner. She does a great job, though, and the judges agree. I have to say, I didn’t think she had it in her!

Felicia’s photo (much like Sarah’s “pro-life in prison” photo) is pro-straight marriage, rather than against gay marriage. O…kay. I’m not sure this is living up to Tyra’s “most controversial shoot ever” teaser. She’s pretty blah, but the judges think her photo turned out well. Whitney and Samantha are representing the pro-gay marriage point of view, and they pose as a couple. Whitney says that playing basketball at Dartmouth helped with her lesbian portrayal. HA! I love Whitney. Samantha’s not as comfy with the idea of being with a chick. The judges think they did a good job, but didn’t take direction well enough movement-wise. Especially Whitney. Nuts.

Dionne is portraying a vegan (REPRESENT!!!). She’s more “hot chick wearing fruit” than “hot chick who’s against exploiting animals,” but whatever. The judges think it’s an okay picture, but not strong enough. Cassandra is doing the carnivore thing, and the buffet table of meat they have set up for her to pose with is very, very yucky. I’m too distracted by her tearing apart that roasted chicken to notice her performance. I think the chicken may have died in vain, though. The judges disagree, and like her shot. Can I just say that Cassandra may be this season’s Furonda, in that she is inexplicably far uglier in person than in her styled pictures?

Renee is representing the anti-gun lobby, and mistakes “peaceful” for “hot babe dressed as a hippie posing for Maxim.” The judges don’t love her performance, so she turns on the waterworks talking about her son. You suck, Renee. Diana is representing the NRA, and doesn’t commit enough, according to Orange Jay. And yeah, her picture may be the worst of the bunch. The judges peg her with the dreaded Dead Eye.

Overall, Orange Jay thinks the girls need to step it up. Downstairs, a stretch Hummer is waiting to take them to their giant mansion, where the theme is former Top Model contestants. How meta. We get a quick glimpse of CariDee in the latest My Life as a Covergirl, where she…pimps a sweepstakes or something. How disappointing.

The girls frolic in their new digs, making friends and taking pictures. Renee and Jael are newly BFF, Kathleen is surprisingly complimentary of the other girls in the course of the usual “it’s not called America’s Next Top Best Friend” speech, and Sarah is still an obnoxious braggart.

Tyra Mail! “One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure.” Oh, HELL yeah, they’re going to Goodwill, one of my favorite places in the world! Phillip Bloch, “stylist to the stars” and skinny moustache-wearer extraordinaire, meets them there along with Miss Jay. Their challenge is to find a look for themselves in three minutes. My advice: head to the kids’ section. Most of these chicks are waaay too skinny to find clothes that fit them at an average Goodwill, even one in LA.

The girls do a charity fashion show in their Goodwill looks outside, and the outfits are auctioned off, with the highest-priced outfit determining the winner. In my opinion, Jaslene and Jael were the best, and Whitney was the worst. In the auction’s opinion, Jael was the best. Right on, auction. Renee thinks it was totally unfair because Jael is a thrift shopper as a hobby, and that skill has nothing to do with modeling. Right, because style has nothing to do with modeling. Poor, stupid Jael wants everyone to love her, and Renee isn’t complying. They are no longer BFF.

Judging time. The judges like Jaslene, Brittany, Samantha, Felecia, and Cassandra’s photos best. They think everyone else was flat this week. Jaslene, Brittany, Felecia, Diana, Samantha, Cassandra, Renee, Sarah, Dionne, Whitney, and Natasha are in. Tyra says that Kathleen is too dumb (in only slightly nicer words), and Jael isn’t ambitious enough. Jael is still in, and Kathleen gets the boot. Nuts! She was clueless, but I kind of liked her.

Stay tuned later today for a recap of the second episode!