America's Next Top Model: ¡Las Perras Flacas Van a España!

Last week on America's Next Top Model, Anchal whined and half-assed her way out of the competition. Hooray for rightful eliminations!

We rejoin the girls in the house, where Michelle has BREAKING NEWS: She might not want to model. Sigh. Jaeda, however, has found something new to whine about: She's sick of living in a house with a bunch of chicks. Way to sound less like a dude, Jaeda. Are you even making an effort to pass anymore?

The girls head off to the Los Angeles Repertory Company, where they meet Tasha Smith, an actress/acting coach, and apparently the person who inflicted crazy "actress" Tyra upon us. Thanks a lot, Tasha. Also, can I just say right now that CariDee is SO gonna rock this challenge? First, the girls have to go onstage and act really silly and ugly, or something, and it reminds me of why I hate doing improv.

Next, they do an exercise appealingly titled "Dump," in which they have to let all their feelings out onstage. And wow, it's a freaking train wreck, where they all take turns ranting and crying and stuff. Michelle "goes for it," i.e. has an onstage freakout. Melrose tries to let it all out, but instead seems SO FAKE and crazy in her unintelligible screaming rant about pictures. See what happens when you're taught by the acting coach that taught Tyra how to "act"? Jaeda whines MORE about her new look. She hates it, no one feels sorry for her enough, etc., etc. HATE. This whole thing is pretty painful to watch.

CariDee, in the middle of a crying rant about how no one understands how hard modeling is, and how much she wants it, accidentally reveals a secret: she's attempted suicide before. Happily, she now feels like she's doing something right for the first time in her life. I really like this girl. CariDee, one of the twins, and Tasha hug it out, and then they get back to the actual challenge: to act in an improvised silent movie. The fabulous prize? A role on One Tree Hill. Finally, The CW justifies its existence. Long have I awaited an ANTM/One Tree Hill crossover.

The girls basically have to act out various directions and emotions which Tasha yells at them ("There's a knock on the door, and you're hopeful. Run to the window, you're sad! You suck, you suck! The Kool Aid is SO GOOD!"). She makes them do crap like eat whole lemons and drink prune juice (which makes one of the twins barf). And CariDee wins!!! I knew it!!! And (ha!) they made the scenes into a hilarious little silent film, in which CariDee's boyfriend leaves her for a horse. Tyra guest stars, and tells the girls to pack their bags...(Tyra runs into the room in a flamenco costume)...'cause they're going to Spain! And, a bullfighter appears from nowhere and starts dancing with everyone! Rockin'.

"Dani" is at fashion week in this episode's installment of the increasingly boring "My Life as a Covergirl." Yeah, that's about it.

CariDee goes to the One Tree Hill set, where she'll be playing a model who comes into town and "stirs things up a little bit." It looks like she does a great job! Did anyone actually catch the episode, for some confirmation?

The girls pack their giant, giant suitcases and head to Barcelona. Lucky bitches. One of the twins (yeah, I still can't tell them apart) says that as the competition goes on, "it feels just like before, but with less people." With that level of insight, I can't believe they say models are stupid.

Upon their arrival in Spain, the girls get a Tyra Mail that says the competition is getting too easy, so Tyra has added local models into the mix to keep things interesting. Local male models! They all head out to dinner, which is rather awkward due to the language barrier. It's about to get worse, though, since the girls receive a Tyra Mail that says they'll be reading from scripts with the guys tomorrow...IN SPANISH. Oh, and there's a makeout session written in. The girls are rightfully worried, but the guys would rather eat than practice.

At this point, Jaeda's partner tells Jaeda he doesn't want to make out with her because he doesn't like black girls (not, as one would expect, because he doesn't swing that way). Yikes. Jaeda starts to panic, and it really does suck. They have nice, niiice digs to make up for it, though. CariDee, as the challenge winner, gets first pick of the beds. Go, CariDee!

The next morning, Melrose tells us she stayed up two extra hours studying lines. Good thinking, Melrose. I still hate you, but that's very, very smart. And damn, the script isn't even in Spanish--it's in Catalan. That's pretty freakin' rough. CariDee can't roll her R's, Michelle's worried about kissing a guy for the first time, and Jaeda's pissed that she has to kiss a random racist guy when she's loyal to her boyfriend. I'd call the first half of her complaint justified, and the second half a little silly, given she wants to be a model. Models make out with random guys on camera all the time! Or at least that's what Tyra and Janice have led me to believe.

The girls meet Tyra, who tries valiantly to justify Barcelona as a fashion destination. Jay Manuel runs in and tells them they'll be filming a commercial for Secret deodorant. In Catalan. Daaang. The commercial involves the girls going around to the male models and whispering secrets like "Sometimes I ride the bus for an extra stop if there's a cute boy on board" to them. And then they kiss one guy at the end after whispering something creepy about wanting to have his babies. In the final version, the director cut all the girls' performances together into one commercial, which is definitely a good call. He used Eugena a lot, for what it's worth.

Michelle's first to film, and she tries to convince us she's more worried about the language than the kiss. They get phonetic cue cards, but that's still pretty rough. Michelle does fine, though, even with the kiss. Unfortunately, Jay's a hater, and he thinks she gave the camera the cold shoulder. The judges tell Michelle she was tough to listen to, and didn't relate to the boys enough. I somehow doubt she'd be receiving that specific criticism if she hadn't come out as questioning her sexuality.

Eugena also does a good job, but says she didn't enjoy the kiss. The judges think Eugena was good, and say she did a good job ad-libbing when she lost the lines. Amanda...has trouble with her lines. The judges also think she didn't commit to the kiss enough. Luckily for her, she looked gorgeous before she lost the whole thing with the line problems.

Jaeda does NOT want to kiss her racist jerk. And it throws her off her game. Man, I hate her, but that really does suck. She starts crying and says she can't do it, although in the end she half-asses her way through. The judges think it was like watching a car crash, and Nigel calls it "appalling." Jaeda tells the judges that she's angry with herself for not being able to do it, and the judges agree that even though the guy was a racist, Jaeda should've been able to buck up and get the job done.

Melrose does a really good job, and knows it. She manages to renew my hatred when, after her shoot, Jay tells her that "for the day, that was probably one of the best reads," and Melrose lets out a totally fake-surprised "WHAT?!" Her take is pretty funny 'cause she keeps laughing during it, but the judges think she did a great job interacting with everyone and reading the lines. She mentions that she stayed up an extra two hours to memorize them.

CariDee has big trouble with the lines and the language, and is not at all herself. Jay and I both found it painful to watch. She tries to make up for it with an extra-enthusiastic kiss, though...daaaamn. But she knows she bombed, and the take is really hard to watch. The judges think she looks almost drunk, and Nigel says it was like a train wreck. Miss Jay says CariDee was lost in translation (yuck yuck), and Tyra thinks she looked amateur, and that it cancelled out the challenge win. The word "unforgivable" is also thrown around. Yikes.

While the judges (the commercial director is the guest judge) deliberate alone, the girls turn on Melrose because of the "extra two hours" comment, pointing out that she couldn't have known how late everyone else stayed up, and call her fake. Ha! In the commercial break, The CW shows the same Secret commercial (with our girls!), but in English. Yeah, it's a lot less awkward in English. Oh, and incidentally, Nigel isn't looking as hot as usual tonight. Just an observation.

The judges were pleasantly surprised by Eugena, and think she finally stepped it up. They think the extra studying really helped Melrose, and call her perhaps the greatest Top Model actress evah. Now there's a low, looow bar. They agree that Jaeda can't act, but a few judges think she could model. Michelle gets resoundingly criticized for looking and sounding bad, although Tyra disagrees and says that Michelle looked great, but can't act. Apparently the camera loves Amanda, but she totally tanked the kiss. Much as Melrose is the best ever, CariDee is the worst ever, and even gets called "shockingly bad." That's sad, because she definitely is the best actress--it was just the language thing.

Tyra calls the girls back, and Melrose, Eugena, Amanda, and Michelle are in. At this point, I start muttering at Tyra that Jaeda had better freakin' be out, OR ELSE. According to Tyra, CariDee was basically insanely awesome until today, while Jaeda has struggled throughout the competition (including today), but has a strong (cough*male*cough) face. And CariDee's in, thank goodness. Yay!

Bye, Jaeda. Go home and get some extensions. Incidentally, most of Jaeda's photos had her in wigs anyway, so what the hell was she talking about when she said she didn't feel as sexy with her short hair? It didn't even matter! Oh, and CariDee is Covergirl of the week again! Nice choice, America. Next week is go-see week, so get ready for mass lateness, lost-ness, and confusion!