America's Next Top Model: A bunch of posers

Tonight on Top Model, fears were conquered, trash was talked, and they did an entire ice skating segment with no injuries. Also, Tyra had to reach further into her bag of bizarre ideas than ever before for a gargoyle-themed photo shoot. Which was about as weird as it sounds.

We rejoin the girls at the house, learning that Janet has appointed herself House Mom. From the looks of things, she’s sticking with the strategy of “let things get as filthy as possible until everyone realizes the error of their ways and starts cleaning up after themselves.” Or possibly just until everyone dies of botulism, or something.

Heather, bouncing right back from hearing other girls talk smack about her, is now talking smack with the best of them. In fact, it’s not even talking smack so much as brutally going through a short list of girls and naming their flaws. She ends with “Janet- she’s pretty good, she’s got a slammin’ body, but I just don’t know.” I’m going to assume that this is some sort of Aspergers social adaptation strategy where you imitate the people around you, i.e. bitch by osmosis, rather than just bitch proper.

Ambreal starts to show her personality (or rather, the editing starts to show Ambreal’s personality), and is charming, singing, and talking about how lucky she is. And now, I’m worried for Ambreal. Lisa, on the other hand, is worrying about how she tends to overthink shoots and is being generally insecure. And now, I’m worried for Lisa, too, because that’s definitely the “first name called, or in the final two” cut.

The wannabe models meet Benny Ninja at a gym full of gymnastics equipment, including a trampoline. That’s right, they’ll be posing – with emotion – in the air. These bitches suck at trampolining, yo. I’d totally kill at this. Ebony is all over the place in an awesome way, and Chantal also rocks it. Ambreal, however, uses her dance experience to totally destroy the competition.

The girls arrive at an ice skating rink, and learn that they will be posing – with emotion – while being held up by a dude who’s skating. Lloyd Eisler, a champion pairs skater, is there to help them out. But wait- it gets better! Danielle, or “Dani,” is one of the judges, along with Seventeen Magazine’s editor. The emotions the girls try and express through their poses are largely terrible. Just…terrible. Ebony’s “sorrow,” for example, is a puppy dog pouty face. And Heather is a complete disaster—the dude can barely pick her up she’s flopping all over the place so much.

Lisa wins, and will get to shoot an ad for Seventeen with “Dani.” She chooses Janet and Ebony to join her. Sarah, especially, thinks Lisa didn’t deserve to win, and is kind of loud about it in the car ride home. Ambreal is also disappointed. Hilariously, when Lisa gets home from the shoot, Bianca is all, “Is that makeup making you break out?” Like, out of nowhere. It’s awesome. Saleisha lets Lisa know that some of the girls were dissing her behind her back.

TyraMail! “When you’re on top, never look down.” Hmm…let me guess: They’ll be pretending to bang an ugly guy in their photo shoot. Oh, not so much? Fine. Instead they’ll be shooting from a rooftop, which is an unfortunate development for Ambreal and her acrophobia. They’ll be posing as – wait for it – “super duper high fashion gargoyles.” Oooh…who will play Goliath? Oh, not that kind of gargoyle? Fine. You know this show would be even more fun if I came up with the photo shoots. Though I don’t think even my twisted mind could come up with these absurd costumes. It’s like, trashy Jersey girl hair meets casino server outfit meets goth girl makeup and cape.

Heather does a great job, although the judges question whether she can break out of only doing photos in profile. Jenah is also impressive, and her final photo actually manages to be kind of classy. Her weave, it should be noted, looks super-ratty already. Kind of like after you wash a Barbie doll’s hair, you know? Sarah just doesn’t get the concept. At all. Her photo is Not Gargoyle Material. God, Sarah. If you can’t pose as a gargoyle, what kind of model could you ever be? Janet needs a lot of help with her posing, and the judges are mixed on the result. Saleisha veers a bit too Maxim, and her end photo looks fairly commercial. Tyra’s into it, though. Chantal does admirably, though her photo verges on porn-y.

Bianca also steps up, and the judges love her photo so much they want to marry it. Lisa overthinks it, as usual, and then takes it to a weird, animalistic level. The end result is very dramatic, and the judges are into it. She says her goal is to be called first. Well, now it’ll definitely be first or last. Ambreal, she of the fear of heights, can’t quite come up with more than one facial expression, and worries she’ll be going home. Me too, Ambreal. Me too. The judges aren’t feeling her photo at all. Ebony, it seems, has finally learned how to pose. Orange Jay can’t believe it, and the judges absolutely love the photo. However, she gets a lesson in smiling from Tyra at panel after she doesn’t smile at the judges.

Tyra calls Lisa’s name first (toldja!), and she’s as thrilled as Bianca is not. Bianca gets called next, though, followed by Ebony, Chantal, Jenah, Saleisha, Heather (Covergirl of the Week again!), and Sarah. That leaves us with Janet, whom the judges praised faintly, and Ambreal, who got the loser’s edit from the first minutes of tonight’s episode. Believe it or not, though, Ambreal gets another chance, and Janet is sent packing. I…what?! For reals?! Well…okay. There was a bit of foreshadowing for her, too. But jeez, it’s almost as if they’re trying to make the results unpredictable or something!