America's Next Top Model: Cycle Nine Preview

Ah, America's Next Top Model: Cycle 9. Crazy Tyra, skinny bitches, judges both hot and flaming, um, more skinny bitches... It's the show we all pretend to love to hate, but secretly kind of just love. (You know, aside from the enormously damaging effect it's probably having on the collective psyche of female adolescent America. Note to young girls: this is disgusting, not sexy.)

Anyway, the time has come for a new "cycle," which means we have a new crop of wannabe models! And (spoilers ahead for the casting portion of the premiere) the latest contestants for America's Next Top Skinny Bitch are:

Ambreal, a 19-year-old college student from Dallas, seems likeable enough, although her photos don't scream "model" to me.

Bianca, an 18-year-old college student from Queens, is really into walking the runway--fairly unusual among Top Model contestants--so I'm intrigued. She also seems to have a...bold...personality, and really wants this, which both bode well for her results on the show.

Chantal, a 19-year-old student from Austin, has unimpressive photos and a pretty boring interview--I don't expect her to last long.

Ebony, a 20-year-old nursing student from Chicago, has auditioned for the show three times. I like her photos, her look, and her engaging personality, so I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this one.

Heather, a 21-year-old college student from Indiana, will henceforth be referred to as "the nose." She likes to talk, at length, about how pretty other people think she is and how much she loves attention. Can you tell I kind of hate her already?

Janet, a 22-year-old aesthetician from Georgia, is the token short-haired girl. While that would normally mean I'd be rooting for her, I'm just not feelin' it this time around.

Jenah, an 18-year-old student from Connecticut, is pretty likeable. However, since she repeatedly claims to "welcome" critique...she has giant teeth and is a nervous over-talker (me too, Jenah, me too).

Kimberly, a 20-year-old college student from Florida, seems like she'll be fun, has decent photos, and has a good attitude about the competition. So...she'll probably be eliminated early on, because that's just my luck.

Lisa, a 20-year-old dancer from Jersey City, takes beautiful photographs. If she can stay interesting to the judges, she'll do well.

Mila, a 20-year-old "college graduate" from Boston, does not take beautiful photographs. You seem like a sweet, good-looking girl, Mila, so I apologize in advance for all the mean things I'll likely say about your photos.

Saleisha, a 21-year-old receptionist from LA, looks the most like Tyra out of the bunch (can you say five-head?), so that should serve her pretty well. She also seems to be good at posing.

Sarah, a 20-year-old college student from Massachusetts, seems smart, expressive, and relatable. I hope she makes it far, although she may be too conventionally pretty to do well, so we'll see.

Victoria, a 20-year-old college student from Connecticut, is most certainly not conventionally pretty. She has a very long face, which may be a good thing since the judges sometimes seem to love exaggerated features, and seems like a pretty chill, down-to-earth girl. God, I almost feel sorry for her.

So that's our current crop of contestants! More students than you can shake a stick at, and a bunch of girls who don't seem to have considered modeling as a career until they made it on the show (although I'd probably claim I auditioned as a joke, too, come to think of it).

Watch America's Next Top Model on Wednesdays at 8 on the CW starting this week, and you can see for yourself just how wrong I probably was about all the girls in this post. It's so hard to tell from a couple photos and a short interview!