America's Next Top Model: Strike a pose (vogue, vogue, vogue)

Tonight on America's Next Top Model, Bianca gets her stank back, and the Top Models get their video ho on. But said video ho is model, not hoochie. With one exception. (Sorry, Ambreal.)

As we rejoin them, the girls discuss Ebony's decision to quit, seemingly dismissing it as a case of homesickness. Um, that wasn't really the point, ladies. But whatever. Everyone's glad Ambreal is getting a second chance, including Ambreal. Sarah, in the meantime, is finding it confusing to be stuck in no man's land (or no model's land), weight-wise. If I were in the same situation, Sarah, I'd be going to town on a huge plate of french fries right about now. You know, for what it's worth. Poor thing is stuck being around a bunch of girls who talk about how they usually wear a size zero, but can occasionally wear a three depending on the pair of pants. That sucks.

Later, Jenah, Ambreal, Lisa, and Bianca are hanging out in the swimming pool, discussing who might be in the top five (them, according to Jenah). Heather walks up to the side of the pool, and Lisa, I think acknowledging her, says that she thinks Heather will be right up there in the top five, too. And then, ugliness. Bianca, totally relapsing to her former stankness, goes on a mini-diatribe about how Heather is totally overrated, and basically has a good face and just sits there for photos. While Heather is standing right in front of Bianca's mostly-closed eyes. And then she keeps arguing about how much harder everyone else has to work when Heather tries to defend herself! Lisa and Jenah seem to stand up for Heather, which angers Bianca, who then interviews that she feels like everyone babies Heather because she has a disability. Wow, Bianca, you're right! You totally deserve a medal for your equal-opportunity bitchery.

Tyra Mail! The gals all dress in ridiculous nude, body-covering leotards and meet Tyra at what appears to be an audition in the movie Fame, if Tyra's bizarre opening speech is to be believed. She then explains to everyone, using charades for the especially stupid, that she'll be teaching them how to move sexily for a music video or commercial. The sight of Tyra marching sexily across the room, followed by an army of wannabe Tyras in ill-fitting nude body suits, was somehow terrifying and hysterical to me at the same time. And when she teaches them to coyly hug themselves and pretend to be adorable and in love, it looks like everyone's just really cold. Especially Ambreal. It's all pretty hilarious, basically.

And it's reeeally difficult once she passes out a bunch of kneepads not to make a joke about how now she's going to teach them the real way to get a job in modeling. (Sorry, couldn't help it. The kneepads were for crawling across the floor sexily, everyone. Modeling is obviously nothing like prostitution.) Bianca stankily points out in an interview that Heather can do no wrong in Tyra's eyes, and gets praised where others would be criticized. And I have to say, I kind of agree with her in this case. Heather's "sexy" crawling across the floor wasn't sexily awkward in a dark way, as Tyra would have us believe--it was borderline-creepily awkward in a dark way. Kind of like the girl coming out of the TV in The Ring, but less so. I love Heather, but when you're right, you're right: Tyra definitely has a girl-crush on her.

The next day, everyone's off to a meeting with Jesse Terrero, a "famous" music video director. He's there to shoot a video with a "major star" and all the models, featuring one of them in particular. And wow, it actually IS a major star! Enrique Iglesias! Whom I've been on board with since he guest starred on How I Met Your Mother, for what it's worth. The video, for the song "Tired of Being Sorry," has a vampire-esque theme, which explains why all the models' bikinis are black. Because, you know, what's more goth than a black bikini? I was SURE that Heather would be chosen once they announced the video's theme, but Enrique, Jesse, and the label pick Lisa, who is beyond thrilled. Aaaand, then Jesse announces that they want to feature one other model who had the right look: Heather. Of course. Yay! Bianca, predictably, is pissed.

Chantal, it must be noted, has shown an extraordinary ego in this episode, clearly marking her for the final two. During the video shoot, for example, she talks about the "natural talent" she found she has in front of the camera, as the director talks about how she was surprisingly stiff. Standouts in a good way are Ambreal and Lisa (in her featured role). Sarah hates her revealing outfit, further cementing HER inevitable appearance in the final two, but Heather really has the worst of it.

Everyone notes how hot it was in there and how it was a physically demanding shoot, and Heather says that it was 8 PM and she hadn't eaten since breakfast. Uh-oh. They have to call the on-site medic to escort her outside for fresh air, and she falls down on the way. Um, maybe take the dizzy girl's five-inch heels OFF before making her walk? Once they get her in a chair, she starts almost gasping for air, or having a seizure, or something. Totally scary. They put her on oxygen once she's with it again, and give her some water and food. Everyone's pretty sweet to her face, but Bianca, of course, points out that it just means she can't handle modeling.

Chantal, again, isn't nervous at ALL for judging, because this is what she was born to do. Oh, Chantal. The expression "tempting fate" exists for a reason. At panel, the guest judge is Jessy Terrero, whose name is apparently now spelled with a "y" at the end. Which is accurate, but definitely not what the on-screen title said earlier. Way to go, editors.

The judges really like Lisa's star turn in the music video, to the point where Nigel wishes her photos were equally electric. Ambreal had to slide down a pole in the video, and the judges (apart from Jessy) slam her for being too hoochie, even suggesting that "hoochie" might be her comfort zone. Ouch! Saleisha gets praised for coming across as darker than she normally does, as does Sarah. Nigel, however, brings up Sarah's lack of confidence in her body, and the fact that she's rapidly moving further away from plus size. The judges love Heather's performance and coachability, but think Jenah wasn't fierce or focused enough for the mood of the video. Tyra thinks that Chantal was almost there, but holding back a little, and trying too hard to model and be hot. So...holding back AND trying too hard? Impressive! Bianca gets praise for her confidence from Jessy, but mocked by everyone else for her crazy kissy poses and lack of fluidity.

Lisa gets called first, followed by Heather, who is Covergirl of the Week again! This has to be a record, right? Saleisha, Bianca, a surprised Ambreal, and Jenah are next. I know it's not hard to predict the bottom two, but I'm kinda pleased with myself here, I'm not gonna lie. Sarah gets called out for coasting, and for not really having a place in the industry at her current weight. Chantal also gets called out for coasting, and for her disappointing video performance. Chantal is still in it, and a sobbing Sarah bites the dust like so many plus size contestants before her. Aww.

It should be noted, by the way, that the music video they shot (viewable on the main page of Enrique's website) is totally not the official video for "Tired of Being Lonely," which I discovered when I tried to find it on YouTube. It's basically the same as the official video, but with the main professional models replaced with Top Model contestants. I blame Bianca and her kissy face.