Burn Notice! Two-hour season finale! Now! On USA! (Yeah, I'm a little pumped. Wanna fight about it?) We open with an artful shot of Michael working out shirtless. Did I mention I love this show? Oh, and the Charger (for those who, like me, were saddened by its brush with explosives last week) is back in prime condition, incredibly enough. And then, as if it couldn't get any better, Michael heads out to meet Cowan, the man who burned him. And, as we all know by now, he's played by Richard. Freaking. Schiff! Toby!!! This show has the greatest casting ever, you guys. (Gabrielle Anwar and her cruddy American accent and skeletal figure excepted, of course.)
Fiona brings up a valid point, though, while Michael is trying so hard to talk to Toby: Why does he want so badly to get back in to the CIA? He's helping people in Miami, he has Fiona (not so great according to me, but still), they keep trying to kill him... He says he wants to clear his name and find out why he was burned, but I can't help but agree with Fiona on this one, at least a little.
Once he finally does make contact with Toby, he only gets a wave and a coded message. Oh, Toby. So cryptic. So mysterious. So missed by me. Michael cracks Toby's code and is rewarded with a meeting time and another message. In the meantime, Nate (Michael's ne’er-do-well brother) is back in town to watch out for their mom, and Sam heads out to take a case on his own. About dang time! Goooo Sam! A security employee is being blackmailed into smuggling drugs, and wants out. Sam, clever fellow that he is, recruits Fiona to help. Fiona agrees, for a price. They manage to track down the bad guy, but it turns out he's not the bad guy after all, and the employee is being set up by a friend whom she thought was also being blackmailed. Ouch. They recruit Michael to help turn the double blackmail until a triple blackmail. Unfortunately, the Charger's windshield gets a bit shot up in the process. Oh, and the client (and Michael) almost get blown up. And, Michael's shirt gets dirty! It's hard out there for an (ex-)spy. Plus, while helping Sam and Fiona, Michael has managed to miss his meeting with Toby.
He and Toby finally meet up, though, and my heart fills with joy at seeing Richard Schiff on TV again. Toby claims that he didn't burn Michael after all--that it was a much larger conspiracy. Though he does cop to trying to have Michael killed, so there's that. Apparently, the "powerful, dangerous people" that Toby works for have big plans for Michael. And in the injustice to end all injustices, they snipe Toby in the chest right as he's explaining everything. Well, cryptically hinting at everything, anyway. But more importantly: NOOOOOO!!!! TOOOOBBBYYYYY!!! Just as my heart was swelling with joy! With joy!!! There aren't enough exclamation points in the world to express my sorrow. Oh, and in the meantime, things only go downhill for Sam and Fiona as the lower-level smugglers get themselves exploded, and Sam gets himself kidnapped by the higher-level smugglers, so...super. Sam: kidnapped. Toby: dead. Thank God it's a two-hour finale, and not a cliffhanger! You'd better make it up to me in the second hour, Burn Notice. Consider yourself on notice.
We return to find Michael's place surrounded by the folks who killed Toby and had him burned. Fiona calls him in a panic, and he and Nate, who is helpfully playing chauffer, head off to her rescue. And, hopefully, Sam's rescue (if not, USA Network is getting a strongly-worded letter from yours truly). Sweet shoot-em-up-ness and homemade truck/bomb-ness ensues. I really, really love this show. They make it out okay, but emerge Sam-less. Michael gets Nate to bring their mom to Nate's place (their new hideout) for safety, while Sam gets the tar beat out of him by his heroin-dealing captors for refusing to talk. It's really tough to watch, but at least he has some pretty good post-punch comebacks. Alias-worthy, even. Michael tries to negotiate Sam's return while Fiona gathers weaponry. You know, just in case. Sam, for his part, discreetly tries to discourage Michael and Fiona from even bothering a rescue. Don't give up, Sam! My viewership next season is partially dependent on your survival!
The government-types who shot Toby clearly want to bring Michael in, and when Michael and Fiona head over to check them out, they barely make it out safely. A mysterious woman, one of the burners, calls and wants to talk about Michael's burn notice and his past, but Michael's more worried about Sam at this point. Barry the money launderer helpfully and semi-unwillingly steers Michael toward some other heroin dealers who might know who has Sam. A few explosives and threats later (I feel like I saw that a lot, recapping this show), Michael gets the heroin boss's name, and heads out with Fiona to check out the operation and set a meeting with the boss. Sam tries valiantly to get himself killed, so that Michael won't step into a trap trying to rescue him. Aw, Sam! He's such a loyal BFF. But seriously, dude, cut it OUT.
It takes some doing, but Michael convinces his mom to leave town with Nate. Of course, they get themselves a little bit followed. She would be the worst spy ever, yo. Michael saves the day, as usual, allowing Nate and his mom to get out of town, but only by agreeing to come in alive after the burners give him 12 hours to save Sam. Otherwise, he threatens suicide. Um, there are only ten minutes left in the episode at this point. I smell an unsatisfying ending!
Michael and Fiona share a goodbye kiss before riding off into the sunset to save Sam. (Fiona's there too, of course, but up on a building playing sniper.) When most of the bad guys leave their hideout (a boat) to supposedly meet Michael and Fiona, Michael scubas over to the boat, SEAL-style, and stages a crazy rescue. Complete, as always, with homemade explosives and plenty o' shooting. (Best moment: When the bad guy calls Michael to finish the deal, only to hear a phone ringing outside the door. Oh, and the obligatory "running away in slo-mo as the boat explodes" shot. AWESOME!)
In the ultimate act of gratitude, Sam lets Michael borrow the Cadillac to drive off to find his destiny. And also the reason he was burned. And who burned him. And what they want from him now. The mysterious woman is very much looking forward to meeting him, and Michael tells himself that some information is worth risking everything for, as he drives the Cadillac into a giant truck parked on a bridge. And...that's all she wrote, unfortunately. As USA unhelpfully reminds us, Burn Notice returns with all-new episodes NEXT SUMMER. So until then, I'd suggest re-watching this season, checking out Chuck for your spy fix, and maybe getting a screen grab of Michael's shirtless workout. You know, for the memories. It's been fun, y'all!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Burn Notice: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
Back to You: It's not a spoiler if everyone can guess
All right, Fox. I'm sure you get this a lot, but - what the hell? For real. Why did Ray Romano freak you out so much at the Emmys on Sunday, when he gave away part of the backstory behind Patricia Heaton's and Kelsey Grammer's characters on Back to You? Was it that important? Or was it because everyone could guess the Big Huge Secret of the pilot from the info that he dropped? Honestly, secrecy that tight should only be reserved for true gaspers, like the end of The Sopranos or the end of the Heroes pilot. The Big Huge Secret of Back to You that Fox was so desperate to keep under wraps was nothing like that; in fact, it was nothing that a six-year-old couldn't have guessed, provided that the six-year-old watched a lot of TV. I guessed what it was merely by reading the New York Times review. It was obvious and stale, but that's only fitting, because most of the jokes were, too.
Fall Preview: Chuck
I have to say, when I saw the previews for Chuck, NBC's new nerd-turned-spy action comedy, I was skeptical. It looked to be heavy on the geek-mocking and light on the actual comedy, and I didn't think the concept would hold up for one hour, let alone an entire season. Plus, I wasn't sure executive producer Josh Schwartz could branch out from The OC's soap satire to something more conventionally funny. Now that I've seen the pilot, however, I'm completely on board. In fact, I loved it!
The premise, if you've somehow missed the zillions of commercials NBC has been running, is that nerdy tech guy Chuck has been sent a file containing all of the government's biggest secrets, which were subliminally encoded into his head upon his viewing the file. See why I was skeptical? But the writing is great, Zachary Levi is extremely likeable as the titular character, and the show is so darn fun to watch that you find yourself intentionally ignoring any plot points that strain credulity (like, all of them). Here's hoping they can keep it up!
In fact, I had so much fun watching it that I'm reluctant write any more about what happens in the episode, because you guys should probably just see for yourselves. So if you're in the mood for an entertaining action comedy, with just a bit of drama and intrigue built in, I definitely recommend that you watch Chuck, Mondays at 8 on NBC (or DVR it and watch after How I Met Your Mother is over...your call). Premieres September 24th, or check out the pilot now on Yahoo TV.
Top Chef: It's already been broughten
I am so rooting for someone (probably Casey, the roll she's been on) to shut Hung up in the finale. The man has skills, there's no denying that. Considering the ease with which he breezed through this week's Quickfire, and his knowledge of food, and his knifework - except for that one time when he nearly stabbed Casey - it's clear that he's one of the most technically accomplished chefs they've ever had on Top Chef. And he knows it, too. He was all excited in the elimination challenge to show the other chefs "what technique is all about." I'm sure they appreciated the lesson. (Even more annoying: he actually did show them, because he won. Curse you and your refined palates, judges!) It may be true that Hung is better than the other chefs, but the more anyone tells you how awesome he is, the less awesome he actually becomes. Naturally, it's all going to come down to Hung and someone else, and now that CJ is gone, I've found myself in Camp Casey. She's the best non-Hung chef remaining, and I would love to see a woman win. I think it's time. Go, Casey, go!
Oh, and Padma, I just want you to know that you suck for making me think, for that terrible second, that my boy Dale was going home, before you announced that Sara was eliminated. Not cool, Lakshmi. What would I do without Dale in the finale? Who would regale me with classic lines like "Jesus' apostles of culinary greatness" or insist, bizarrely, that he knows when a chef has gotten his/her heart broken or gotten laid, just by tasting the food? I don't want Dale to ever leave me. I want him to do commentary on other shows when Top Chef has finished up. Better yet, I want him to come over and watch TV with me, and rip on everything while I make margaritas. I make an excellent margarita, Dale!
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
America's Next Top Model: The Bitch is Back
I hope you're ready for some skinny bitches, because America's Next Top Model is back with a vengeance. And you know I love me some ANTM. If you read my preview and watched this episode, then you know how hilariously wrong I was about half of the girls. However, you'll also know that I was totally right about at least two of them. So, you know, there's that. And I’m going to kick things off with the disclaimer that if you’re watching this show and think that you want to look like any of the contestants, you should probably go into the kitchen right now and eat a big bar of chocolate. For reals. Anyway, enough with the cycle-opening formalities, and let's delve right into the bitchy meat of it all! (Spoilers ahead, so don't read if you don't want to know!)
This cycle opens with a bit of an exciting (for the girls, not for us) difference: the semi-finalists are going to the Caribbean! This is explained by the fact that lots of models do photo shoots in the Caribbean. Um, right. Whatever you say, CW. I'm pretty sure you and I both know that this entire episode was an advertisement for Royal Caribbean, right down to Miss Jay giving the girls a tour of the cruise ship and its many luxurious amenities (including nice bathrooms, hopefully, since one of the semi-finalists totally gets some kind of cruise ship dysentery).
After they see their digs, the girls head up to the deck for a "safety briefing." But no! It's a fake out! (First fake out of the season, you guys! I'm getting all sentimental!) Instead, the contestants are walking the "runway," in lifejackets, in front of a bunch of cruise ship passengers. This is both hilarious AND a devious mind game, because those lifejackets totally make you feel way fatter and more ridiculous than you actually look. The walkers we see are largely unimpressive, although Miss Jay claims that some of the girls did well. A beautiful contestant named Ebony is very confident, while a hunchbacked girl named Heather is more insecure, and upset by Miss Jay's criticism.
Next up: DINNER THEATER! Oh. Em. Gee. I'm just going to come out and say it: this show is genius. The more over-the-top it gets, the more I fall in love with it. In that way, my feelings about this show are very similar to my feelings about Cher. Also, this show and Cher are now both inextricably connected to big ships in my head. Aaaanyway, as the girls are eating dinner, Tyra comes out on the stage wearing a crazy outfit with a giant feather headdress (yet another Cher comparison!), accompanied by male dancers in sailor outfits. She sing/talks about finding her next Top Model to the tune of "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean." Ha. Ha. HA!!! It's extraordinary, and the girls recognize this fact by shrieking at epic decibels.
And now, it's time for interviews with Tyra and the Jays! First up is Ambreal, who goes to Howard University. She does some different runway walks, including a choreographed one with Tyra, and seems pretty fun. Chantal, a tall, thin blonde (which surprisingly doesn't describe half the contestants on ANTM), is very into fashion, and Orange Jay finds her very "modelesque." Heather (the hunchback) starts off insulting Tyra by saying "Hey pretty lady...and Tyra" when she enters. But, she has a good sob story, so Tyra forgives her. Turns out she's been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, a mild form of autism which makes her socially awkward. Though she's a terrible walker, the panel thinks she'll be great for editorial photos (and, let's face it, very interesting to have in the house with all the bitches). Saleisha actually knows Tyra from time they spent together at Tyra's TZONE camp for disadvantaged girls. She plays the suck-up card well, saying that the camp really helped her self-esteem. In fact, it helped it enough that she now wants to do Victoria's Secret and Sports Illustrated! Aww...I feel a little inspired myself.
Victoria (AKA "Liz's initial favorite who will probably end up totally incapable of taking good photos") is a nerdy Yale student with an unusually long face and chill personality. She's the poor contestant who got sick on the cruise ship. She says that she should win because she's smart and strong, and only when pressed admits that she thinks some of the other girls are a little...less than smart. Janet, from Georgia, is an aesthetician who describes how to wax butt cracks, and then kind of molests Tyra. She has a semi-mullet and gets really excited about Wal-Mart coming to her town. Janet and I will never be BFF. Marvita has a really sad story about sexual abuse at the hands of relatives, but looks a little too old to be a new model.
Mila, an Eastern European-looking blonde, is very, very talkative. Sabrina, who is really into her hair, is extremely, extremely confident. Like, she can't come up with her worst feature, and calls her talent "extraordinaire." Sabrina doesn't believe in tempting fate, clearly. Jenah is also very confident, and although I like her unusual look, she kind of reminds me of someone who is reinventing herself as a bitchy girl. She claims that girls hate her, that she's really smart, that she only hangs out with guys, something about beer pong, etc., etc. Whatever, Jenah. Sarah, who plays a joke on the panel involving pulling a long strand of paper from her nose, is kind of awesome. Unfortunately, she's also our token plus-size model for the cycle, so she's probably doomed. Especially since she's not actually plus-size--she's just not skeletal. In fact, she appears to be about my size (if I were eight feet taller), and I consider myself to be on the slim side. This show is bad for my self-esteem, you guys.
Lisa, a "bikini dancer" (read: exotic dancer without the nudity), is gorgeous, and seems like a cool person who's overcome a fair amount in life (6 years of foster care, to be exact). Bianca chooses to spend her time talking about different kinds of bitches: fun bitches (her), and bitchy bitches (Ebony). She really, really wants this. Jennifer, a bah-tender from Boston, is apparently blind in one eye (and also really wants this). Kimberly brings Tyra a weird painted horse figurine from her hometown and screams like crazy when asked what she does when stressed. The panel loves her. Ebony (the aforementioned bitch) uses the tried and true "the girls that don't like me are just jealous" defense. She's actually really beautiful. Tyra plays talk show host and gets her to cry talking about her drug-addicted mom. Not cool, Tyra! Apparently, Ebony only lashes out at other people because she's in pain. I'm sure the girls she's mean to will feel totally better about it once they hear that.
After the interviews, the models head off to a beach in Antigua with the Jays, where they see Jaslene, last cycle's winner, posing for a totally fake photo shoot! Jaslene talks about how great it is to be a top model. (Yeah, honey, if your completely lame first My Life as a CoverGirl didn't convince me, this won't either.) She looks really skinny, which is per usual, I guess. In fact, she's probably put on some weight since this shoot. At any rate, the girls are there for their own, slightly less fake, photo shoot. They all get in the water to have their photo taken while the other semi-finalists stand around and make mean comments. The standouts, in my opinion, are Victoria, Lisa, and Heather.
And it's finally time for the first cut. Sabrina, unaware that the first cut is the deepest, is totally psyched for it, because she thinks there are a lot of girls who don't deserve to be there. Wow, the girl clearly doesn't have a superstitious bone in her body, but (spoiler alert!) is about to learn a valuable lesson. The usual "find your photo and start screaming and jumping up and down, or crying if you don't find it" mayhem ensues, and Sabrina is one of the criers. After gathering the remaining 20 contestants together and asking each one why they should be in the competition (and getting boring, vaguely inspirational answers from each girl that they show), Tyra meets with the Jays to go over photos. Their favorites seem to be Jenah, Mila, Lisa, Victoria, Chantal, Heather, and Janet. They think Saleisha and Bianca would be much better post-makeover. They like that Marvita looks different, but don't really see "high fashion" in her. Because God knows all Top Model winners go on to careers modeling couture.
All the semi-finalists gather at the pool, which has a hilarious transparent runway/bridge going across it, so that anyone whose name is called can't get too excited running up to Tyra without risking falling in. (Unfortunately, this never happens.) In are Mila, Bianca, Jenah, Chantal, and Ambreal, at which point the remaining girls start to tear up. Victoria, Sarah, Saleisha, Kimberly, Ebony, Janet, and Heather are also in, and Lisa is weeping by now. But wait! She's in! Hooray! The losers, according to Tyra, are "all special" (according to me, they're largely crybabies, with the exception of Marvita), but they aren't "role models." Um, what? Tyra is crazy, you guys. CRAZY. And that, my friends, is why I love her. And this show. No, I'm not afraid to admit it. (Although seriously, I do think it's probably creating a whole new generation of bulimic youngsters, so I'm really hoping they'll do an all plus-size cycle, or something. Because Jesus Christ, these girls are dangerously skinny. And it's turning them mean, if the clips from next week's episode are any indication.)
Fall Preview: Bionic Woman
NBC's Bionic Woman, a remake of the 70's show, is all about control, or lack thereof. The pilot opens with a scene of carnage at a biotech research facility. The cause of the carnage, a blonde woman kneeling over a dead body, has this to say to the armed men who discover and then kill her: "I didn't want to. I'm not in control." Three years later, it's bartender Jaime Sommers who isn't in control.
After she's critically injured in a car accident, Jaime's scientist boyfriend takes her to that same biotech facility, where he apparently works. They are able to save her life, but she's now (dum dumdumdum!) The Bionic Woman. Super-strong, super-fast, super-everything, with just one little catch: the people in charge of the facility want to make her into a super-soldier. Oh, and that murderous blonde woman from the beginning? She's still alive, and causing trouble Jason Bourne-style, although not entirely on her own. Also, she's played by Katee Sackhoff (Starbuck) of Battlestar Galactica, for you legions of BSG fans.
Jaime is certainly sympathetic as a responsible older sister who has medical procedures performed on her against her will, can't control her own body, and whose ex-captors are trying to force her into becoming a fighter--and the fight sequences are pretty exciting. However, this show didn't really grab me. I guess I can't call it a Dark Angel rip-off, since this is a remake and the rip-off was probably the other way around, but it doesn't really feel like anything new or fresh, and it could probably stand to take a break from the heaviness once in a while. If Bionic Woman is aiming to be the next Alias, it's either going to need to improve the writing, or I'm going to need some more appealing man-candy on the screen than Miguel Ferrer, great actor though he is.
If you're really into serious action shows, especially ones with ass-kicking heroines (which I am, of course, all for), this could be the show for you. Otherwise, I'd advise you to spend Wednesdays at 9 watching the episode of America's Next Top Model that you DVR'd during Pushing Daisies while you're waiting for Dirty Sexy Money to come on. God, Wednesdays are exhausting me already. Premieres September 26th, or you can catch a 15-minute sneak preview over at AOL TV.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Eureka: Feeling hot hot hot!
In Eureka, if it isn't one thing, it's another. (In this case "one thing" refers to a breakdown of Eureka's underground cooling system, and "another" refers to Mild-Mannered Sheriff Jack Carter being transformed into Irresistible Man-Meat Jack Carter.) All in all, I'd call this episode a successful bounce back from the bottom-of-the-barrel junker last week, although it was totally Zoe-less, which is sad.
I really loved the opening scene, in which Carter and Jo are forced to act out a sexual harassment scenario in front of a bunch of G.D. employees. While I would never want to see the characters linked romantically, I love the great back-and-forth that Colin Ferguson and Erica Cerra have in scenes when they're together. Great platonic chemistry, if that's an actual thing.
Anyway, it seems the air conditioning in Eureka is on the fritz, and a bit difficult to repair due to its being literal "air conditioning." Eureka's cooling, plumbing, and everything else are run through an integrated underground network mimicking a biological system. You know, the inconvenient kind where if one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong. And, of course, the guy who designed and maintains the system has gone missing. I still totally love finding out things about day-to-day life in Eureka, like the aforementioned high-tech cooling system, and the fact that women use lasers to pluck their eyebrows. It's the little details that really flesh out the Eureka universe.
At any rate, as Carter is trying to solve the Mystery of the Broken A/C (and, at this point in the chain reaction spectrum, Mystery of the Exploding Toilets and Crazy Shockwaves), he suddenly becomes irresistible to women. Like, Jo kisses him right in front of Zane, and Allison and the sexual harassment instructor get into a fight over him. While I can totally understand Carter having this effect over women, the good townsfolk are concerned, especially once they test him and realize that he's producing gallons of the hormone that causes sexual attraction. Best quote of the episode goes to Allison: "Carter, I can't have you running around out there! You're too irresistible. I thought I was going to tear you apart!" Awesome. Of course, in the end, it's a crazy spore in the underground tunnels that's causing all the harm, and once they rescue the similarly-affected tunnel scientist from his randy wife and flush the air of spores, it's no harm, no foul. Well, mostly. Carter and Callie have a few uncomfortable moments to recover from, which it seems they plan on doing at her uncle's cabin in the woods, so all's well that ends well, I guess.
In the meantime, though, Carter has started digging around about Beverly's role in Kim's accident, asking Allison for the files on Kim's death. Allison shares his request with Stark, who expresses concern that if Carter keeps investigating, the DOD will find out about Kevin's relation to the Artifact and want to experiment on him E.T.-style. To protect Kevin, Allison shuts down all research on the Artifact, revoking Henry's clearance to study it. Which, fair enough, but it looks like she caved to Stark's request to continue his research, which is totally sketch. He doesn't care about Kevin, Allison, he only cares about the Artifact! Duh! And wow, I think Evil Henry is going to rear his ugly head pretty soon--the dude seemed pissed. Just goes to show how awesome Eureka is, that they can take the most friendly, innocuous character and make him broody and menacing, eh?
Fall Preview: Life
Life is a new police drama on NBC that I had heard virtually nothing about prior to watching the pilot. And I have to say, I was pretty impressed. The story centers around Charlie Crews (played by a magnetic Damian Lewis), a detective who served 12 years in prison for a crime he didn't commit and is now exonerated and back on the force. Charlie is a complex and interesting character--he's rich thanks to a large court settlement, and he's got good reason to be pissed off at the police, but he's back on the force anyway, bringing a new Zen mindset and D'Onofrio-esque unpredictability to the job.
His philosophy seems to be based on living in the present and doing what gives him pleasure (big house, fancy car, beautiful women, pulling over his ex-wife's new husband for changing lanes without signaling). However, it appears there's more going on beneath the surface, particularly when it comes to the circumstances surrounding his framing and conviction, and the damage all those years in prison did to his psyche. Charlie's new partner on the force, a hot young recovering drug addict who may or may not be spying on him for the upper brass, serves as a good foil for his sometimes over-the-top behavior. I also love Adam Arkin's character, a white collar criminal who has taken over Charlie's finances after Charlie helped him out in prison.
The show's narrative style is an odd combination of normal dramatic storytelling and documentary-style interviews. It doesn't seem like the whole thing is supposed to be a documentary, so I wish the writers had been more clear in describing who was doing the interviews, and for what purpose. I also wish that Life were less of a crime procedural and more about the characters and the overarching plot, but maybe I'm just being pessimistic on that front based on the uninteresting case featured in the pilot. The whole "Wow, pictures on a cell phone? It's like I'm living in the future!" thing will hopefully wear off quickly--I mean, didn't they have television in prison, which presumably featured advertisements for these very devices?
All in all, though, this is definitely a show I'll be watching for at least a few more episodes, even though I'm not generally into the police genre. Charlie Crews has me very intrigued, I must say, and I'm not put off by the fact that the creators are clearly trying to capitalize off of the trend for...unusual...main characters started by House. I mean, hello, I love House! So if for some crazy reason you aren't watching Dirty Sexy Money on Wednesdays at 10, I suggest you check out Life, especially if you're looking for a good take on a procedural. Premieres September 26th, or you can see the pilot episode for yourself here on AOL TV.
Monday, September 17, 2007
America's Next Top Model: Cycle Nine Preview
Ah, America's Next Top Model: Cycle 9. Crazy Tyra, skinny bitches, judges both hot and flaming, um, more skinny bitches... It's the show we all pretend to love to hate, but secretly kind of just love. (You know, aside from the enormously damaging effect it's probably having on the collective psyche of female adolescent America. Note to young girls: this is disgusting, not sexy.)
Anyway, the time has come for a new "cycle," which means we have a new crop of wannabe models! And (spoilers ahead for the casting portion of the premiere) the latest contestants for America's Next Top Skinny Bitch are:
Ambreal, a 19-year-old college student from Dallas, seems likeable enough, although her photos don't scream "model" to me.
Bianca, an 18-year-old college student from Queens, is really into walking the runway--fairly unusual among Top Model contestants--so I'm intrigued. She also seems to have a...bold...personality, and really wants this, which both bode well for her results on the show.
Chantal, a 19-year-old student from Austin, has unimpressive photos and a pretty boring interview--I don't expect her to last long.
Ebony, a 20-year-old nursing student from Chicago, has auditioned for the show three times. I like her photos, her look, and her engaging personality, so I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this one.
Heather, a 21-year-old college student from Indiana, will henceforth be referred to as "the nose." She likes to talk, at length, about how pretty other people think she is and how much she loves attention. Can you tell I kind of hate her already?
Janet, a 22-year-old aesthetician from Georgia, is the token short-haired girl. While that would normally mean I'd be rooting for her, I'm just not feelin' it this time around.
Jenah, an 18-year-old student from Connecticut, is pretty likeable. However, since she repeatedly claims to "welcome" critique...she has giant teeth and is a nervous over-talker (me too, Jenah, me too).
Kimberly, a 20-year-old college student from Florida, seems like she'll be fun, has decent photos, and has a good attitude about the competition. So...she'll probably be eliminated early on, because that's just my luck.
Lisa, a 20-year-old dancer from Jersey City, takes beautiful photographs. If she can stay interesting to the judges, she'll do well.
Mila, a 20-year-old "college graduate" from Boston, does not take beautiful photographs. You seem like a sweet, good-looking girl, Mila, so I apologize in advance for all the mean things I'll likely say about your photos.
Saleisha, a 21-year-old receptionist from LA, looks the most like Tyra out of the bunch (can you say five-head?), so that should serve her pretty well. She also seems to be good at posing.
Sarah, a 20-year-old college student from Massachusetts, seems smart, expressive, and relatable. I hope she makes it far, although she may be too conventionally pretty to do well, so we'll see.
Victoria, a 20-year-old college student from Connecticut, is most certainly not conventionally pretty. She has a very long face, which may be a good thing since the judges sometimes seem to love exaggerated features, and seems like a pretty chill, down-to-earth girl. God, I almost feel sorry for her.
So that's our current crop of contestants! More students than you can shake a stick at, and a bunch of girls who don't seem to have considered modeling as a career until they made it on the show (although I'd probably claim I auditioned as a joke, too, come to think of it).
Watch America's Next Top Model on Wednesdays at 8 on the CW starting this week, and you can see for yourself just how wrong I probably was about all the girls in this post. It's so hard to tell from a couple photos and a short interview!
The 4400: A whole new world
With no word on a fifth season, The 4400 had two choices for its season finale: meekly beg for a renewal, or burn as many bridges as it could while still leaving the door open for another season. The show chose the latter option, and we were left with a very different Seattle, and a very high body count that included some important characters.
(I hope I don't have to warn you about spoilers at this point.)
Before it did anything else this week, The 4400 addressed the two cliffhangers it had left from last week: Danny's mom, Susan, having a bad promicin reaction, and Tom getting shot by Diana. The good news was that Tom got shot up with polonium and quickly healed by Shawn, leaving him healthy and unmarked. The bad news was that Danny accompanied his mother to a hospital, infected everyone there with promicin, and started a city-wide contagion. Half the people who were exposed died, including Susan, half became promicin-positive, and it seemed to spread just fine without Danny's help, because as Danny was seeking shelter with Shawn at the 4400 Center, the virus was reaching NTAC. Inside NTAC, the only victims of the virus were, luckily, a few redshirts and one person with a speaking role, Brady the nerd. Brady, we hardly knew ye. Seriously, though, we didn't know anything about you. And I had to look up your name.
The only person who didn't end up with an ability or dead was Diana, thanks to the early-stage synthetic promicin Dr. Kevin injected her with last year, which gave her a promicin resistance, according to Marco's magical science explanation. Conveniently, the very substance that caused the resistance was available over the counter, so Meghan, Kyle, and their respective commands, NTAC and Jordan's Army, teamed up to get the medicine out at the few non-looted pharmacies.
Meanwhile, Penny Johnson Jerald was given one last evil hurrah, as Parrish captured Tom when he infiltrated the Marked House to rescue Jordan, and then, in an act so cruel it was clear that Parrish wouldn't survive the hour, ordered Isabelle to kill Kyle. Of course Isabelle couldn't do it, so she kissed Kyle goodbye and then it was her turn to go out in style. She defenestrated, speared, and threw around a few minions before taking on Parrish. In killing her, Isabelle's own "kill switch" was activated, which meant that she had just enough time to free Tom and Jordan and exchange a few heartfelt words with them before dying nobly. But what a way for Isabelle to go. She proved her change of heart once and for all, and she got to kick serious butt doing it.
For Isabelle's death, I cheered, because she was so awesome at taking everyone down with her. But there was another death that was nothing but tearjerking, and I was unable to resist its maudlin spell. That was Danny Farrell's. Although Dr. Kevin and Shawn managed to get Danny on the inhibitor, his body was still producing promicin, but with nowhere to put it, so Danny was essentially drowning in promicin. Danny, in the most heartbreaking scene ever, begged his brother to kill him. I lost it after Danny said, "I love you," and I was crying like Andrae explaining his denim chi pao as Shawn finally did as his brother asked. Curse you, The 4400. I didn't even care about Danny that much!
Finally, there was a quick check-in with the new p-positives at NTAC, each of whom had an ability that was surprisingly appropriate. Meghan's ability, turning things into flowers, was pretty, but of questionable usefulness. Garrity, the emergency backup NTAC agent, had the ability to clone himself, providing a cheap source of manpower and/or redshirts. And Marco? Just like Hiro Nakamura, that other loveable nerd on that other show about people with special powers, Marco can teleport! But to my eternal disappointment, he did not yell, "Yata!" at finding himself unexpectedly in Promise City. It still made me happier than possibly any other ability they could have given him, and almost completely made up for Danny's awful, weeping-inducing death scene.
The episode and season ended with Jordan effectively in charge in Seattle as it more or less became absorbed into Promise City, almost everyone in the city exposed to promicin in some way, either positive or resistant, Maia predicting good things for the future, and Kyle placing a promicin shot in front of Tom.
It was a tremendous end to the season, and I hope that there will be a season five. There are so many new avenues to explore now: Seattle under the control of Jordan and his crew, the breakdown of distinctions between positives and NTAC, NTAC agents with abilities, how the rest of the world will respond, etc. Here's hoping we'll find out what happens next summer.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Emmy Awards: The Highs and the Lows
I'm bottling up my usual Emmy results-related volcano of rage, so that on the happy day when I somehow meet all the Emmy voters I can finally allow it to spew forth, burying them in hot, angry lava. Thus, I'm not going to express my opinion of the horrendously unjust results here. Instead, here are a few of the highlights and lowlights from tonight's ceremony, in semi-chronological order.
Highlight: The Green Emmys! (And Al Gore!)
Highlight (the corresponding Lowlight is a very orange Teri Hatcher, but I didn't want to subject you guys to that):
Highlight: Stewie and Brian from The Family Guy singing the opening number, inasmuch as it meant that Ryan Seacrest would not be singing the opening number.
Lowlight: The weird-ass, completely impractical "theatre in the round" gimmick.
Lowlight: Ray Freaking Romano. It's not standup, Ray, and nobody cares what you're up to anymore. NOBODY CARES!
Highlight: Katherine Heigl clearly saying "shit" in her winning reaction shot, but getting the bleep-out and the quick cutaway.
Highlight: Christina Aguilera singing her ass off on live TV just a week after Britney tanked at the VMA's. Oh, snap! (Corresponding lowlight: Mad lack of Britney appearance as rumored.)
Lowlight to the millionth power: All that miniseries crap (AKA, time for me to go do the dishes, fold my laundry, and take a not-so-short nap). Who the H-E-double hockey sticks watches those things, anyway?
Highlight-turned-lowlight: The cast of Jersey Boys singing "Walk Like a Man" to clips of the Sopranos was a cute sendoff. Then, they sang two or three more songs. Shit like that is why the winners of the night's biggest awards always get cut off, like, two words into their acceptance speeches.
Highlight: Elaine Stritch. Crazy, or crazy like a hilarious, hilarious fox? I think the latter.
Lowlight: Bizarre personal video player product placement stunt during the award for best comedy writing.
Lowlight: Ryan Seacrest in tights.
Highlight: John Stewart and Steven Colbert giving Ricky Gervais's Emmy away to Steve Carell.
Highlight: America Ferrera's perfectly poised - but appropriately emotional - acceptance speech. Love! Her!
UPDATE - Lowlight: Sally Field being censored when expressing an anti-war sentiment. You know you're on Fox when they not only cut away/bleep the mild expletive, but manage to cut out the entire thought, even to the point where I couldn't tell what she was talking about or why they were cutting away for so long during the broadcast, and only realized it was about the war when reading the news this morning.
That's it for this year's Emmys! A mixed bag, to be sure, although I can't help but think it would have been almost tolerable if all that miniseries/TV special business were excluded. Ah, well. Congratulations to 30 Rock (not that a Best Comedy Emmy saved Arrested Development in the end, but it can't hurt, right?), and to all the other deserving winners.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Burn Notice: Back with a vengeance
Finally, after what seems like months of waiting for the U.S. Open to end, Burn Notice is back, baby! And don't get me wrong--I love tennis. But I'm pretty sure Bruce Campbell hasn't swung a racket at Flushing Meadows anytime recently, so it's just innately less awesome than Burn Notice. I mean, come on. Bruce Freaking Campbell! (Yeah, the first season is coming to an end and I'm still not over the awesomeness.)
So what kind of awesomeness were we in for tonight? The very BEST kind--surprise plot twist awesomeness! Michael's friend Lucy, a corporate spy, offers him a job involving a woman whose abusive ex ran off with her son. He agrees to help the woman, Evelyn (played by Lucy Lawless, another cult favorite), in exchange for ID papers to help him travel to DC. I kind of question the assumption that, even with papers, he'd be able to leave town. I mean, he's not getting facial reconstructive surgery, right? So barring any Mission Impossible-style rubber masks, it seems like he's got no chance getting out of town, with or without a fake passport. Wouldn't his poster be all over the airports, even if he's not being tailed? That guy at the ID shop certainly had it. Well, at any rate, he's going to try and get to DC and confront El Burnerino.
Evelyn's case, for its part, hits very close to home with Michael. Plus, she hits on him pretty heavily. He's a pro, but I definitely got suspicious (along with Fiona). I mean, Evelyn was reaaaally selling the "damsel in distress" thing hard. And the parallels with Michael's life seemed a bit too convenient. However, I was thinking that Lucy betrayed Michael and threw Evelyn at him to keep him in town. How small my imagination was...because Evelyn's an assassin! SWEET! Turns out, the "abusive husband" is really her target (an accountant thinking about turning State's witness on the mob), and Michael led her right to him. This show is so cool, you guys. Just when you think it's going to zig, it zags, and then explodes a flaming tank of propane all over the Charger.
And apparently, Michael and Evelyn have a history. Intriiiguing. He almost busted her in Istanbul seven years ago, and she's been quasi-stalking him ever since--a hobby made easier since he got burned and his personal files were unclassified. In the end, though, all her stalking and weird seduction stuff proves pointless, as Michael finds her on a rooftop getting ready to shoot his new client, the accountant. Rather than be captured, she tells him that she wishes things could've been different, and takes a tail dive off the building. Dramatic 'til the end, that one. I have to admit, though, I was a little perplexed. Was she secretly in love with Michael? Working for someone else who was interested (not that way) in him? Just really manic-depressive? Hopefully joking when she asked that clichéd "what if things had been different between us?" question? Hmm.
My only complaint about this episode would have to be the Fiona/Michael stuff. Too many whiny conversations (in sometimes hard-to-understand accents--I'm looking in your direction, Gabrielle Anwar), too little seeing them as an actual couple. And it's weird, because normally I'm all about the strong female characters, but there's something about Fiona that just bothers me occasionally. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it could certainly be the extreme bobble-headedness. Seriously, somebody should probably feed that woman before Fiona actually becomes invisible in profile. Just sayin'.
In any case, all's well that ends well, and Michael doesn't even have to go to DC after all! Because, in the crowning achievement of this show's awesomeness, Richard Schiff, the man who burned him, is coming to Miami! Next week! In the two-hour season finale! (Yeah, I'm psyched already. What of it? The guy is awesome! Just like everything else about this show! Exclamation points all around!)
Tell Me You Love Me: Umm...not so much
Well, I saw the first episode of HBO's Tell Me You Love Me last night, and all I have to say is this:
Congratulations, HBO, on finally creating a show that combines your love of high-concept drama with your love of quasi-pornographic programming.
(Of course, the drama is pretty terrible, and the sex scenes aren't any better. But still...)
Top Chef: One-hour layover
Let's face it: being on a plane is boring. You're just marking time as you go from one place to another. Sometimes you read, sometimes you sleep, but you're not doing anything productive. The same is true of this week's episode of Top Chef.
So what's worse than being awakened by a bounding, tickling, entirely too perky Padma at six in the morning? Having to do a Quickfire challenge minutes later in your jammies. The Quickfire was, quite simply, to make Padma breakfast. Based on her giddy behavior and what the chefs tell us about her taste for alcohol, I wonder if this challenge didn't spring from a bright idea of Padma's after a long night of partying. "I am sooo hungry! Hey, you know what would be AWESOME? If I had my CHEFS make me BREAKFAST! I'm gonna go wake them up right now!" After Hung won, playing to the judge by slipping Grand Marnier into her smoothie, Padma distributed them all plane tickets to an exciting mystery destination! Could it be Paris? Tokyo?
Yeah, it was Newark. The chefs were all excited to go to New York, but suffered yet another bitter disappointment when they were told they would have to earn their way to Manhattan. Until then, they were stuck at the Newark airport, cooking business-class airline food for Continental. Anthony Bourdain was there, and he and Tom got along like gangbusters, griping constantly like Statler and Waldorf about the dishes that were set in front of them.
For no apparent reason, other than the fact that nothing else really happened this week, the editors were straining to create some drama between Hung and CJ. They hate each other! Really! Look, CJ is blaming Hung for spilling the truffle oil in front of Padma! And there's Hung, not helping CJ finish up when he's already done! How dare he? Honestly, it all came to nothing, but they had to pretend that something happened this week. But as annoying as Hung can be sometimes, and probably as irritating as he gets to the other chefs, they tolerate him much better than I would have expected. The mentality of this season is much different from last season's schoolyard bullying of Marcel. Everyone pretty much leaves Hung alone; either they've found better ways of dealing with their frustration, or they just keep it bottled up inside.
This week's elimination was based mostly on one of those bizarre, irrational, all-consuming hatreds that the judges sometimes get for a particular dish (like Tre's salmon dish of a few weeks back, the one that earned Ted's unforgiving wrath). This time it was CJ's broccolini, and as Tom and Anthony kept telling each other how much they hated the broccolini, fanning the flames of their hate, it became more and more apparent that poor CJ was going to get the boot, especially after Tom called it the worst dish they'd had in all three seasons. So with CJ gone, I think Hung may very well be the winner of this season, unless Dale can pull out a dark horse victory. Dale is quiet, and not too flashy, but he does consistently well, and I think he could easily make it to the final. For now, so long, CJ, and I hope you eventually got your slice of New York pizza, because they owe you. And make them take you to a club, because they owe you that, too.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Damages: Patty Hewes knows all your secrets
Yes! There has been a mystery solved on Damages! Have you been wondering why Ellen will be wearing underwear under a trench coat when she finds David dead? Did it keep you awake at night? You can sleep soundly now, my friend; the explanation is that her clothes get stained with blood from the fight in Patty's apartment, so she takes them off. Thanks, Damages! So that's one down, what, forty-seven to go?
(You know the rule: don't read if you don't want to know.)
With one mystery put to bed, another one immediately cropped up in its place: Patty Hewes' omniscience. How did she know about Gregory's stock sale and the job offer Tom extended to Ellen, when none of them told anyone about it? Spy satellites? Robot surveillance pigeons? Hypnosis? And how does she have time for surveillance with everything else she has to do, like try a case, figure out TiVo, and mess with people's minds?
It's a wonder that she even found time for negotiations with her son this week. Michael, still at reform school and looking eerily like Piz, intended to play some mind games of his own with Patty when she came to pick him up, telling her that he didn't want to go. Patty, approaching parenthood the way she approaches everything else, as a case to be won, consequently drew up emancipation papers and offered them for him to sign. Michael wasn't stupid enough to call her bluff, and backed down and came home. But it wasn't all mental chess games and maneuvering; there was a newfound understanding between Patty and Michael by the end of the episode, and they passed a few moments together in peaceful harmony. It was one of those scenes that remind you that Patty does have a heart – it's just really, really tiny.
Good thing we have those scenes to keep her grounded and human, because the rest of the time, Patty sees all and controls all. Even the way she served Gregory with his subpoena was a devious bit of theater: Gregory got served with the woman he bumped into trying to escape the creepy-looking (but ultimately harmless) guy following him. But after Fiske released Gregory from his protection and Gregory fell into the custody of Patty and her bodyguard, there was a development she didn't foresee, and I don't blame her. Who would have thought that Gregory would have been able to overpower his huge bodyguard and escape? Especially when the guy had been hanging out in a hotel room eating snacks and watching daytime TV for some time? That's a combination that would leave anyone soft. At any rate, Gregory must be sitting on some huge testimony (or, at least, he'd better be), because, as eager as Gregory is not to be deposed, the Frobisher camp is more eager to kill him to keep him from deposing.
Also this week, Patty, possibly to amuse herself, played with the trust between Ellen and Tom, asking Ellen if Tom gave her a job offer a few weeks ago. Tom and I both agreed that if Patty's asking, it means she already knows, but Ellen lied anyway and then had a crisis of conscience about it. Should she tell Patty the truth? What if Tom told Patty? To whom should Ellen be loyal? In the end, Ellen made a pact with Tom that they could always trust each other, and I'll let you guess just how quickly it was broken. Yep, Tom confessed about the job offer. You know, in at least one way, Tom is more intriguing than any other character. Unlike every other duplicitous person on Damages, Tom tends to be an easygoing Boy Scout type, which just makes his double-dealings all the more dirty.
In our jaunt to the Future this week, Ellen and Tom reiterated (will reiterate?) that loyalty to each other, and Ellen begged Tom to find the missing Patty. While Tom claimed to have no idea where she was, of course he called her up straightaway. And to her credit, Ellen will have gotten a clue by then; she told Nye to follow Tom, as he'll lead them to Patty. After weeks of just crumbs, it was great to have some really meaty developments in the Future storyline. For the first time, I want to know what happens next to Future Ellen, not what came before. Damages has really turned the game around on that front, and now I can start to see what a second season would be like.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Eureka: Losing my religion
At the risk of angering the many rightfully loyal Eureka fans who frequent this website, I'm gonna go ahead and say that this episode wasn't one of Eureka's finest moments. To me, it felt like they worked overly backwards in writing it--"You know what would be cool? Biblical plagues happening in Eureka! But hmm...what would cause that?" A fine process much of the time, but one that in this case led to a contrived and unbelievable result, in my opinion.
I mean, I'm willing to accept that a town like Eureka has a church, and that a few people in town actually attend it on a regular basis. There's no law preventing scientists from being spiritual, or even religious (aside from perhaps that big one...but we won't get into that here). However, I do take issue with the fact that a seemingly unrelated string of odd events--group laryngitis, red water in a fish tank, bioluminescent skin (which aren't even obviously religious in nature)--would send the genius scientists running into church to pray that the end times aren't nigh. There have been plenty of crazy, unexplainable events before that didn't cause everyone to abandon science altogether. That's not the Eureka we know and love! It just seems out of character to me, and thus distractingly contrived.
Plus, the cause of all the crazy problems seems similarly convenient. A grieving widow wants to go to heaven to see her husband again, and invents a crystal radiowave temporal-rift-creating machine, which just happens to cause the exact, but varied, biblical-style problems in homes with crystalline glass? I'm not quite buying it, which is surprising, because while Eureka's plots often seem far-fetched, the storytelling doesn't usually strike me as lazy. I'm also not quite sure what to think about Kevin/the artifact curing Allison vs. Carter curing her by turning off the machine. I'm sort of taking it as open to interpretation, although Stark seems pretty sure of Kevin's abilities.
A few other notes:
- Jerky Awesomington, or "Zane," is back! And dating a very, very hot-looking Jo. Like, wow. At any rate, I think it's sad that Jo's worried he's too smart for her, when she should really be worried that he's too much of a jerk for her. He totally bashed her practical job in favor of his theoretical work, which is just rude, even if he does believe his work is superior.
- Man, I can't wait for the Carter/Evil Henry situation to blow up. Now that Carter remembers Henry telling him that he blames Carter for Kim's death, and now that he saw Henry recklessly wondering whether Kim was on the other side of the "portal to heaven," I think he may realize the danger and extent of Henry's obsession (although probably not entirely what he did to Carter's memory). Although the episode ended with Carter confirming their friendship, I think Carter is probably feeling anything but.
- Carter looks really hot in his Sunday best (with no sign of the dry cleaner, hmm). And I sincerely hope that Zoe's fake tattoo (a cliché rose tramp stamp) isn't what she's really planning on getting. Because I expect better of Zoe.
Clark Duke: Awesome, or Super-Awesome?
By now, you guys know I love me some Clark Duke. He rocked my summer with both Clark and Michael AND his consistently scene-stealing (show-stealing?) performance as Dale on Greek. And who could forget his memorable turn as "Party Teenager #1" in Superbad?
Well, ABC Family has a funny video up on their site in which Clark and Trevor Moore (from The Whitest Kids U'Know) are unleashed at Comic-Con with a camera, a microphone, and a couple of ideas for awesome, awesome superheroes. Zach Quinto from Heroes is one of several special guests!
[Via Pop Candy]
Monday, September 10, 2007
Greek: Lies and the lying liars who tell them
Man, tonight's season finale certainly was action-packed! And as usual, we learned a valuable lesson from the good folks at Greek, this time about how lying is bad and prone to backfiring. Mostly. Except when it's kind of not. Thanks, Greek!
The trouble largely stems from a big expose on the Greek system and its partying, sex-crazed ways published in the campus newspaper (Dale: "Finally the liberal media gets something right." HA!). After the Dean of Students announces that everyone's on triple secret probation, Frannie's all for a witch hunt to find the "rat" feeding stories to the paper, until Casey points out that most of the examples published had to do with Zeta Beta Zeta, thus making their sorority the most likely source of vermin.
And (gasp!) Jen K is the rat! She fesses up to Rusty that she's been undercover all year for the school newspaper, which is quite competitive and goes for flashy articles. He's really upset, especially since he and his sister's personal lives were (albeit anonymously) described in the article. But, okay, I one hundred percent don't buy that the AP would be picking up this article for national syndication. I mean, how shocking could sex, cheating, and drinking possibly be in a large school's Greek system? That's hardly newsworthy, let alone on the national wires. But whatever. Casey and Frannie are also understandably upset when they find out, especially since a national representative from the sorority (played by Charisma Carpenter!) is coming to see if they deserve to keep their charter. Frannie tries to chalk it up to Jen K being a pathological liar, against Casey's advice.
Casey and Ashleigh lure Cordelia to a "Greek-Free Zone" (a poetry reading), and Casey lays some truth on her, agreeing to take the fall in order to save the chapter. Of course, this selflessness pays off (as it always seems to on television), and Cordelia ends up removing Frannie as president and installing Casey in the interim. Frannie and Casey have officially moved from frenemies to enemies, especially after Frannie goes to Evan and tells him that Casey stayed with him for political reasons after he cheated on her, and is totally still into Cappie. Evan doesn't take this very well, especially after Casey admits to kissing Cappie, and breaks it off with Casey. Fair enough, I suppose, although it's kind of ridiculous to see him getting all holier-than-thou when his cheating caused all these issues. "You jerk, you stuck with me solely for political gain after I cheated on you" just doesn't seem that sympathetic to me, somehow. I mean, not to use the obvious and dated example, but I don't think anyone's all, "Poor Bill--Hillary only stayed with him after he hooked up with an intern to keep up her image."
Aaanyway, in the meantime Casey has convinced an uncertain Rusty to break it off with Jen K. He wonders what makes this situation different from the situation when Evan cheated on her, and Casey claims it's because Jen K betrayed his friends and family as well as just him. I kind of think Casey might be using that as an excuse to keep Rusty from making the same mistake she made by staying with Evan. So this episode leaves Jen K sad, friendless, and boyfriendless, all because she lied to get ahead.
However, ABC Family would also like us to see the dangers of not lying, because family programming is all about the mixed messages. You see, Ashleigh, somehow, hasn't gotten the 411 on Calvin's sexuality, and awkwardly and horribly tries to seduce him after breaking up with Travis. So! Uncomfortable! At first, it seems like a total "don't lie to your friends about your sexuality because it will only end in awful, awful awkwardness" moral, but after Ashleigh gets over her embarrassment and decides to be a friend to Calvin, she accidentally outs him to his fraternity. Um, yikes. So...keep on lying to friends who are too ditzy to be trusted with secrets? Calvin's furious at Ashleigh, and the brothers are really uncomfortable and quiet around him until he just takes off his pin and leaves. Aww.
Finally, in his last night on campus before heading home for the semester break, Rusty stumbles upon Cappie and Rebecca Logan in bed at the frat house. EW. So to recap: Casey and Evan - broken up. Cappie: Just slept with Casey's sworn enemy. Rusty: Totally knows about it and is going on a ten-hour road trip home with Casey. Hmm...something tells me that the second season premiere in '08 might be a bit explosive. I kind of can't wait.
The 4400: All the cool kids are getting injections
You can't say nothing happened on The 4400 this week. With only a week to go before the season finale, there was enough action in this episode to get everyone who cares about the fate of the promicin-enhanced world keyed up for next week. Deaths! Shootings! Arguments! Kidnapping! Nanotechnology! And injections! Lots and lots of injections!
(Unless you want details, don't read any further.)
Evil "Tom" from the future was all about causing trouble this week, and I must say I liked it. "Tom" has turned out to be a very good villain; he's arrogant and irreverent, and I'll miss him when we inevitably have to go back to Vanilla Tom. Rocky Road "Tom" cut a swath of destruction starting with Maia, who he injected with a temporary inhibitor to keep her from having visions. This came after an extremely creepy moment when "Tom" picked Maia up from school and proved that "Don't talk to strangers" is a good rule, but is woefully limited when we start to talk about body snatchers. "Don't trust anyone, not even me, unless I give you the secret password, and even then, get ready to run" would probably be a better rule around the Skouris household. After Maia, "Tom" went on to kill Curtis Peck for talking to Diana and Meghan, and then harassed Diana a little bit about her inability to hold on to a man. It was after she had confronted him about being marked, and yes, he's a bad guy, but still – jerk. And why is that always relevant in cases like these? Every time you see a male-female pair of partners arguing, the guy always brings up the woman's lack of a love life and tells her that he is the longest relationship she's ever had. I think what I mean to say is: shut up, "Tom."
Everyone else at NTAC – who had a speaking role, that is – was concerned with only one question: how do you solve a problem like "Tom"? And what is the problem, anyway? The quasi-scientific answer was that the future agent personality is spread through the system with nanites, which you will remember, in their friendly version, from MST3K. The only way to get rid of them, explained Marco, was to subject Tom to a huge dose of radiation, which would kill both the nanites and Tom. But once Diana confronted "Tom," they knew that he knew that they were on to him, and they had to lure him to an ambush. "Tom" dispatched Meghan easily (NTAC bosses are never very resilient anyway), and then it was all down to "Tom" and Diana. He sneered at her a little, told her she'd never shoot him, but then she proved him wrong. Yep, she shot him, and right in the gut, too. Between that and their other confrontation, it was a good week for Diana kicking butt. And I never get tired of seeing that.
In other news, Tess got herself a bunch of useful and obliging p-positives and rescued Kevin from Promise City. Yay! Kev was then free to continue work on the compatibility test, which Danny (Farrell? Shawn's brother? You remember) took him up on. And thanks to Danny's massive corpus callosum, always a hit with the ladies, he was able to take the shot and survive. However, the same was not true of Danny's mother, who had a bad promicin reaction, what with the coughing up blood and the bleeding from the eyeballs. Was it his ability? Danny certainly talked enough about wanting to be a healer to tempt the fates and bring the irony of anti-healing down on his head.
Isabelle, meanwhile, did her thing and abducted Jordan from Promise City (it was a bad week for the Promise City security team), but not before getting some sweet lovin' from Kyle. And once Jordan was in "Tom's" clutches, "Tom" menaced that he would make Jordan a "traitor to his cause." Jordan underwent a similar procedure to being marked, in which they pumped some liquid into him that would make him use his ability to take away others. Apparently, the future has never met a problem that it didn't try to possess.
What will happen in the finale? Will Tom survive? Will "Tom" survive? Will Jordan and Danny go on unwitting rampages? I'm excited – are you?
Thursday, September 06, 2007
An Open Letter to the Food Network
Dear Food Network,
It has come to my attention that you recently fired Mario Batali, indisputably one of the best chefs on your network, while Sandra Lee's reign of terror continues unabated. This is simply unacceptable. I don't watch the Food Network to have someone tell me to sprinkle some spices on pizza crust from a can and call it naan. I'm pretty sure I could figure that one out by myself, or make actual naan with a little more effort, and for much less money. But I digress--surely there are people out there who appreciate being told how to spend half their time heating up frozen green beans, and the other half creating a "tablescape," otherwise Semi-Homemade wouldn't exist.
And I'd imagine Mario was costing you money without delivering in the ratings department, otherwise you wouldn't be cancelling his show. But isn't there something to be said for keeping a small group of talented chefs on your network, solely to maintain your reputation as a source for quality food programming? Pretty soon, you'll just be left with shows that feature deep-fried cheesecake and food prepared by racing around manically without pausing to enjoy the process, or shows that don't even have anything to do with cooking at home (I'm looking at you, every show on Food Network Nighttime).
Which, fair enough, you're not the "Cooking" Network, and you do still have Alton Brown, who is all kinds of awesome. But still, I have to wonder: if Mario Batali looked like Giada De Laurentiis (and did that crazy orgasmic moan every time he tasted a dish), would he have been given his pink slip? I'm betting not, no offense to Giada, who is certainly one of the your better chefs.
I understand that your network may be headed in a different direction, but I still think there's something to be said for the value of a cooking show featuring a great chef, even if it isn't flashy or targeted at some specific demographic. Is there no room on the Food Network for viewers who aspire to more than just weeknight meals and frozen vegetables? Sadly, it appears not. How disappointing. I'll leave Alton on my season pass, but I fear that my days of channel surfing to your network in hopes of finding something enjoyable to watch may be over.
Sincerely and disappointedly,
Liz
Top Chef: Every party has a pooper
Previously on Top Chef, Sara feared that everyone would start asking awkward questions about her prodigious chopping skills, acquired while she was a child chef for the mob. The secret love of Casey and Howie remained very, very secret. Hung got amnesia and forgot that he was better than everyone else. CJ continued cooking to make his parents happy, even though his real dream was to join the Harlem Globetrotters. Dale, due to an accident involving sweet and sour pork, developed split personalities: one friendly and smiling, the other bitchy and awesome. Brian confessed his addiction to uppers, weeping to Zack that he was "so excited… so scared!" Tre discovered Gail's evil plan for world domination, but she shut him up for good by dropping IQF blocks of capellini and alfredo sauce on him. Ted had a meeting with the mysterious Blog Lady. And Tom ran upstairs two at a time, flung open the door, and shouted, "Ha ha! Caught you, Padma!"
Or none of that happened, and we got a week off after Tre was cut.
We started out this week with what was probably the most entertaining Quickfire Challenge ever. It was also the most needlessly complicated Quickfire ever, as the chefs were all charged to make dishes using items in only one aisle of the supermarket, with $10 and a small selection of items from the pantry. But whatever, the rules didn't really matter – it was what the chefs created that was the point, and what they created was hilarity. Brian had a Spam epiphany (no, for real) and won the challenge, making a "Spam believer" out of the guest judge. CJ cracked everyone up when he mentioned that he'd sweetened his dish with salt. And then there was Hung, who completely let himself go and made what Dale called a "Smurf village" out of food. It was truly amazing. Unfortunately, Howie ruined all the fun by not making anything at all. Boo. It was all going so lovely, too.
The Elimination Challenge challenged the chefs to cater a party on a yacht, using the tiny yacht kitchen. Before you ask, it was indeed high enough to accommodate CJ, but that didn't stop him from banging his head on the ceiling a few times just to prove a point. The chefs made a wide variety of hors d'oeuvres, which was both good and bad: they were scarfed up almost as soon as they left the kitchen, but Tom complained because the appetizers were all average, and he wanted them to do three really well. And if they had done three, Tom, you would have complained about the lack of variety. Your job is to find fault.
However, I can't fault the judges for finding the hors d'oeuvres uninspiring, for the most part. I've actually made one of them – Hung's salmon cream cheese spritz on a cucumber, to be exact – myself. And I can't cook worth a damn. That is how mindless that particular appetizer was. So, even though the judges always seem to be disappointed in the contestants, I think they had some justification this week. And anyway, it was only Hung, Dale and his runny yogurt, Brian the team leader, and Howie and his two gross-looking appetizers who were really in trouble. Casey, for making the hors d'oeuvre that pleased the judges the most, won the challenge and was rewarded with a laptop. How bad must the chefs who won wine and books be feeling right now?
As for the one who went home – it wasn't Brian, who I feared it would be after he interviewed about how much he missed home. Noooo, Brian! Interview and ye shall receive! Instead – well, here's the thing. One of the storylines this week was "Howie becomes a team player, finally." Howie made an effort to work with everyone else, didn't complain so much or make as many difficulties, and felt so much a part of the team that he decided to quit to save Brian. Of course, the judges don't like having the power of elimination taken away from them, so they denied him. And then they ended up eliminating him anyway. The judges' point: their word is law!
So did Howie really become part of the Top Chef team? Probably, He certainly seemed to work better with everyone else this week. But he also wasn't really into the competition anymore – he looked listless and couldn't have been too interested in winning anymore if he was willing to quit. I think his change of heart had everything to do with losing his competitive drive. He didn't have to be a jerk anymore, he didn't have to finish the Quickfire if he didn't want to, and he could make up his past behavior by trying to do something nice for the others before he left. It seemed to be Howie's intention all along to leave.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Damages: She's not that innocent
Damages began with a simple premise: innocent law school grad gets tangled up with worldly, scheming attorney. Well, actually, it wasn't that simple, and things have only gotten more complex as the season has progressed. And now it seems that the naïve newbie is getting more complex, too. Could it be that our sweet little ingénue Ellen is becoming one tough chick? It's about time, considering that in three and a half months she'll be fighting with her would-be assassin and staring down the police in the interview room.
(Spoilers, people! Watch out!)
This week, Ellen located Gregory and coolly issued him an ultimatum: come to Hewes & Associates willingly within 24 hours, or get subpoenaed. Of course it didn't come from her, it came from Patty, but she still made it look like she was in control and she knew what she was doing. I haven't been rooting for Ellen much so far, but I was then. Nice one, Parsons. Ultimately, Gregory did decide to come in from the cold, but got spooked and ran off after he dropped the hint that it's not about the broker. And after nearly getting killed, Gregory ran to Ray Fiske for protection.
Oh, and by the way, Frobisher is the guy who's running the guy who's running Gregory, just in case you didn't know that. I honestly can't remember if the show's made it obvious before now, because I always just assumed that it was Frobisher behind it all. If they didn't, it is him, and you all can collect on your bets or say "I told you so" to your friends, or whatever you need to do to acknowledge the fact that you called it.
Aside from that, the Frobisher case mostly took the week off. Frobisher got the idea to write up his memoirs, in a desperate attempt to make himself less loathsome to the public, but the plan hit a snag when he assaulted his ghostwriter. Not to say that it wasn't tremendous fun, and somewhere along the way I ended up hating the sniveling little ghostwriter quite as much as Frobisher did. The magic of Danson, I tell you. Who knew it existed?
Fiske, meanwhile, was having weird dreams about his teeth falling out, which were apparently supposed to mean that he was afraid of other people finding out a secret. So it looks like Fiske is next in line to give up his dark secrets – everyone else has by now.
Hey, remember Lila, the girl that David was all set to have an affair with? Remember how I thought it would make David more interesting? Yeah, funny story about that. Lila, like every other character on the show aside from David and, arguably, Ellen, is not who she seems. She lied about her dead grandfather, will lie to the Future Police, stole David's keys, and did her level best to seduce David, but to no avail. So David continues his reign as the Perfect But Boring Boyfriend, while Lila is either a crazy stalker or working for someone. And on this show, it's probably the latter. Who isn't working for someone? But as Lila was inside their apartment while Ellen and David were in the tub, I wouldn't rule out "crazy stalker" just yet. It would almost be refreshing for someone on Damages to be simply a crazy stalker, with no other agenda – if it weren't just a tiny bit disappointing.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Eureka: Now you see them...
Ah, invisibility. Such an apt metaphor for a wide variety of situations. On the one hand, we've got a literal invisibility crisis. On the other hand, we've got the classic "nerdy loner turns from invisible to desirable when cute girl is forced to interact with him" situation. On the other, other hand, we've got the magically appearing new cast member, who was but an invisible Eureka resident to us until she became a love interest.
Let's tackle the invisibility crisis first. Seems there are certain chemicals missing all over town, as well as radioactive isotopes run amok at GD. Oh, and cars hitting invisible objects before turning invisible as well. Hmm. In fact, after Carter cuts himself on Zoe's now-invisible super-Smart Car, he starts turning invisible himself. Yep, the invisibility is infectious (also radioactive and deadly). Look, Sci Fi execs...I don't watch this show for an invisible Jack Carter, you know what I'm saying? Fix it!
Apparently, invisibility is illegal in Eureka, with a treaty to back it up. However, the likeliest suspect for the current crop of invisible chaos is a CIA surveillance expert who worked on the original invisibility research before it was shut down. An invisible Carter and an extremely scared Fargo go hunting for the invisible spook, and are successful in retrieving both his research (yay) and his invisible, radiation-poisoned body (uh-oh). The moral to this story, though, besides "invisibility is bad," is "ask for help," because it seems the spook could have been cured with a little teamwork and chemistry.
Thus, happily, Carter is cured and able to go on a date with Callie. Who's Callie, you ask? Why, she's the town drycleaner/invisibility expert who happens to be a hottie with a thing for men in uniform. What, you never noticed her before? Good job predicting the incoming non-Allison love interest, readers--it wasn't the veterinarian, but still! Allison, for her part, seems to be growing closer to Stark.
Speaking of Stark and the lesson about teamwork, his new alliance with Henry is pretty interesting. I mean, I know they used to be friends, but I feel like Stark is the shady new best friend for the shady New Henry, where Carter was the happy-go-lucky best friend for the happy-go-lucky Henry. They're both very worried about what Henry told Carter during his stupid period last week, and don't want Carter messing around with anything that could harm GD. I'm especially surprised that New Henry is trusting Stark with Beverly's recalibration device that sabotaged Kim's artifact project. I thought New Henry was all secretive and paranoid!
Back to the lesson about invisibility, we've got Zoe and her nerdy new boyfriend. See, at first, he was the socially invisible but perfectly nice geek. But after being partnered up with Zoe for a school project and calling her out for ignoring him just because he's all quiet and nerdy and she's a "hot girl," he totally gets some makeout action, and Zoe finds someone she really clicks with. Unlike Jasper, who doesn't respect her for her mind. Good for Zoe, I guess, although it's certainly bonus when the geeky quiet kid is also really hot. Ah, young TV love.
Finally, Jerky Awesomington, last week's sociopathic genius, seems to have gone missing for the duration of this episode. Or (dare I say it?) invisible... Well, here's hoping he'll be back next week. He was pretty interesting, and I'd love to see Fargo fight it out with him for Jo's affections.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Greek: A passive-aggressive throwdown
Tonight on Greek, passive-aggressive behavior was at an all-time high. And, for the record, it didn't pay off. So I wouldn't bother with that note you're about to leave for your messy roommate--it'll probably just turn into an escalating prank war, or backfire and make everything think you're a jerk.
First up on the passive-aggressive train are Dale and Rusty, who are having the oldest roommate conflict in the book, with a bit of a twist: Rusty wants the room to himself now and then so that he and Jen can hook up more often, but Dale's against sinning and all, so he's not really on board. Oh, Dale. Being sexiled is like a rite of passage freshman year of college! But fair enough--I guess you bring moral objections to the table as well as logistical ones. Anyway, at first Dale agrees to vanish for an evening so that Rusty and Jen K can do the nasty.
However, when Rusty ditches Dale at a nerd lecture, Dale gets all jealous and passive-aggressive, angrily denouncing the presence of Rusty's milk in his fridge and filling the fridge with his own, labeled milk. Rusty fights back in what becomes a war of passive-aggression at a level previously unknown to man. They're typing loudly, people, and tapping their feet against the bed!!! Dale finally bites the bullet and tells Rusty that he feels like Rusty is throwing their friendship out the window, and Rusty replies that they're not friends at all, just roommates. OUCH. Happily, Jen K patiently reminds Rusty that he and Dale are, in fact, friends, despite Dale's conservative religious views, so those two crazy kids are able to work it out and stay roommates. Phew. Rusty clearly handled this situation better than I did with my (first semester only...) freshman year roommate, though to be fair, my roommate and I were not at all friends, and she called my music "satanic" in the first conversation we ever had. (For the record, it was Moby.)
In other passive-aggressive news, we have an ugly situation at ZBZ. It's the time of the year when the "Omega Chi Sweetheart" is elected from the sorority ranks, an honor which is apparently mandatory for any incoming ZBZ president. (So, does ZBZ win every year, then?) At any rate, Casey is selected as the ZBZ finalist, which leads to much screaming and jumping up and down. However, Frannie (the current ZBZ president) is apparently in need of a few extra credits to graduate, and thus will be remaining in school for a fifth year. Aaaand, she decides to run for Sweetheart again, and gets very, very unhappy when Casey refuses to drop out of the race.
Thus, Frannie resorts to passive-aggressive warfare, which becomes openly aggressive when she calls a plumber and puts Casey's name on the work order, thus trapping Casey at the house during the Sweetheart ceremony until the plumbing work is completed. How Cinderella! Luckily, Jen K is able to help with the plumbing (riiight...), and Casey is able to attend the ceremony after all. She gives a really guilt-inducing speech about passing the torch and having a selfless mentor for all things Greek, and wins the vote for Sweetheart (oh-so shockingly). Frannie, it seems, wasn't too touched by the speech, either, and the race for next year's president is ON.
Last but most certainly not least, Cappie participates in a psychology experiment which entails sitting in a room for 30 hours with Rebecca Logan while she administers tests that I thought I'd never have to hear about again after I finished my psychology major. Nothing much happens (we learn that Cappie apparently has hippie parents and an embarrassing real name), though Cappie and Rebecca are getting along fairly well by the end of the experiment. Cappie uses his earnings to pay Casey back for last week's strip club bailout. Aww...he really does care!
And that's it for the penultimate episode--next week is the season finale, so start psyching yourself up now! From the preview, it looks like there will be some heavy drama.
Flight of the Conchords: Arf arf!
Dear HBO,
Seriously? Airing the season finale of the best show of the summer over Labor Day weekend? Seriously?? That's not cool, guys. Just not cool. However, I forgive you, since you renewed Flight of the Conchords for a second season.
Love, Liz
Well, if you were out treating Sunday night like it was Saturday (as I was), you definitely missed out on another quality Conchords episode--one which broke the mold a little. Light on Conchords songs, heavy on bongos and angry dances, the season finale saw Murray adding Todd, a bongo player, to the band. Todd, aside from being a terrible bongo player, has far less hair and is substantially shorter than Bret and Jemaine, and wears an unfortunate leather jacket. His interests include "kicking grooves," "banging tunes," "getting it on," making crazy intense faces while drumming, and ending all songs with a ten-minute bongo solo. Oh, and possibly hooking up with Mel. And renaming the band "The Crazy Dogggz," because "Flight of the Conchords" is apparently too long and boring.
When Jemaine tries to kick Todd out of the band, Todd convinces him to fire Bret instead, which actually works out pretty well for us, since Bret does a super-amazing angry dance. So cool, in fact, that words alone can't do it justice:
Meanwhile, Todd is taking over the band and trying to force Jemaine into playing "The Doggy Bounce," a cheesy dance tune that's apparently more about scoring chicks than playing quality music (much like Todd). When Bret isn't allowed back into Conchords, even as a roadie, he starts a new band called "The Original Flight of the Conchords" with Demetri, who plays the keytar. And what's even awesomer than a keytar? The fact that Demetri is played by the comedian/Daily Show correspondent Demetri Martin. Rock! Tension builds, though, as Demetri copies everything Bret does, and Todd becomes increasingly out of control with the bongos. However, Bret and Jemaine still think they're better off in their new bands, and the larger audiences at their gigs inexplicably seem to concur.
Murray comes up with the idea of a four-person supergroup, since both bands are playing the same songs anyway, but Demetri and Todd opt to quit and form the Crazy Dogggz instead. And yeah, they totally hit it big with "The Doggy Bounce" (Arf arf). Like, stadium tour big. They even steal Mel! And Murray, who is now wealthy! Which, good for Murray, since he was certainly abused (mostly unintentionally, of course) by the guys, but it seems he doesn't really have time for Flight of the Conchords and their gigs at the library anymore. Aww. The season finale ends on an angry note, with another angry dance by the guys. Don't worry, Bret and Jemaine--the Crazy Dogggz have "one hit wonder" written all over them.
Well, it's been a great season, and I'll definitely be watching and re-watching all the episodes on my DVR until the new season begins "sometime next year." I somehow feel like my favorite returning comedies will feel a bit disappointing without the characters breaking into hilarious, hilarious song, but I guess I'll get over it in time. Sigh...
