Hey Paula: All bark and no bite

Oh, Paula. You befuddle me so. When I watched the premiere of Hey Paula last week, I was pretty tired. This, I believe, caused me to oversympathize with Paula, another supposedly tired soul. However, in retrospect, there’s no way she was acting that crazy without a little help. I mean, I’m no expert, but that was some serious crazy! I’m sure she was, in fact, exhausted, but she also had to have been taking a little something extra to get her flailing around on the floor of the perfume factory, right? I’m not going to speculate beyond that, but there you go.

This week, we join Paula in a meeting to deal with the aftermath of the disastrous press she’s been getting due to the fact that she totally did a bunch of on-camera interviews high. I mean…to deal with all the completely unfair bad press she’s been getting, for no particular reason. She’s all teary and hysterical and extremely overly made-up. Truth be told, she looks a little like a cross between Michael Jackson and Helena Bonham Carter in Planet of the Apes. At least when she’s in profile. Apparently, she doesn’t drink before she goes on-air, or do recreational drugs. So…legal prescriptions, then? At any rate, things are ugly. Ugly and weepy. Also, it seems like the show’s editors are unsubtly combining two different meetings—one with Paula and her staff, and one with just her staff. Unless her staff has been instructed to refer to her in the third person for half of every meeting.

After the meeting, Paula’s off to a “gifting suite,” some sort of magical event where designers give celebrities amazing free stuff. Of course, we’ve got some manufactured drama about how designers may not want Paula associated with their products in all her drunken glory, but it comes to nothing, just like everything else on this show.

And now we’re flying to Vegas, where she’s accepting a Woman of the Year award from some ballet group. Or something. It’s supposedly “a big deal,” with lots of press. But disaster! A magazine in LA is going to print an article tonight that could be damaging to Paula! How can she talk to the press when they’re being so mean to her?! Never mind that earlier this episode she suggested holding a press conference. Sigh. Once she does manage to get to the press, it doesn’t go that well. Except for the one interview that does go well. Which is apparently the most important one? So now the night is going fantastically well? Let’s be honest: I have no clue what’s going on here.

Ryan, Simon and Randy are on hand to present Paula with the award, as are a bunch of cheerleaders with pom poms. Simon actually steps up and reads whatever line the American Idol producers gave him about how great she is and how she’s totally not at all a drug addict or anything like that. So yes, again all the buildup comes to nothing and everything turns out perfectly. What a charmed life this Paula character lives!

Back at the Abdul Homestead, we find out that she’s been invited to be on Leno. And for some reason, her stylist who can’t drive is taking Paula there in Paula’s new car. The car, by the way, is a Land Rover so big it beeps like a truck when it’s in reverse. I anticipate they’ll get about halfway there before running out of gas. And that’s the show! (If you’ve been paying attention, you don’t need me to tell you how The Tonight Show went, but if you must know, it was uneventful. And Paula was vindicated, or the truth was vindicated, or whatever. This show is all foreplay and no main event, if you ask me.)