Oh, Janice. You represented all that is wrong with the world when you were a judge on America's Next Top Model (and yet I loved you), you're so full of artificial parts that you could be the beta version of the Bionic Woman (and yet I love you), you were twelve kinds of crazy on The Surreal Life (I actually kind of hated you then), and now your insane little reality show, featuring a semi-real modeling agency, is actually in its third season.
For those of you who are new to the show, here's a list of things Janice is: The world's first supermodel, a photographer, a parent, a giant liar to all her clients, emotionally unstable, 75% silicon and 15% Botox, and a crazy (w)itch. You can probably guess which half of that description was from her. She's got a constantly changing group of mediocre models, a business partner named Peter whom she hates, a teenage son who gets to run around with models all day, and a daughter who may or may not truly exist. Oh, and all her interviews are shot in such soft focus that it seems like the camera lens is smeared with Vaseline. And with that, I welcome you to the third season of Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. Settle in, because it's about to get crazy up in this joint.
After the opening credits instruct us to do our thing, Janice poses for a photo shoot. "Because YES, I am the world's first WORKING SUPERMODEL." Now that we've been reminded of that fact, we can move on to regular business. For some reason, Janice has booked an appointment with VIP Latino, a new magazine focused on the Latino population. She's convinced that her models would be great for the premiere issue, and would look fabulous next to "the GREAT Carlos Mencia." (Cue record scratching noise in my head.) There's only one problem: Janice doesn't have any Latina models. And was caught totally off-guard that she'd be needing some for this job. Riiiight. After a little speech for the clients about how much she loves diversity, Janice puts together an open call, the bread and butter of any good premiere episode.
Before we can get to the naked photos, though, we have to sit through a side plot featuring hot dudes in tight underwear. Man, life can be tough sometimes. At the 2(x)ist offices, J.P. and Dominic revel in their success and shoot the newest collections. Dominic is lucky enough to land a one-year contract, which would be impressive if I had ever heard of 2(x)ist underwear. Unfortunately, he has gangrene of the toenail and sasquatch arms which must be shaved. And yet, somehow, he pulls it off. Abs and pecs go a long way, yo. We meet up with Crystal and Nyabel, also in New York, where they all go on a city-wide tour of Dominic's underwear ads. Okay, okay, I'm kind of impressed.
Back in LA, Janice has decided that she needs a bodyguard. And so, she chooses one of her agency's former models: Sorin, the well-built Romanian crybaby. Who has no security training or ninja skills that we know of. And she immediately takes a pair of scissors to his "SECURITY" shirt, turning it into the gayest belly shirt that ever gayed. Which Sorin notices, but is cool with. Man, I loved Sorin. She trains him to be menacing on the red carpet, and he hilariously interviews that he has no clue how to use his earpiece, or understand what the heck people are saying into it. This show would totally be in the running for "Least Realistic Reality Show," if Janice weren't crazy enough to pull this kind of stuff without the cameras rolling. Ah, Janice.
Before the open call, T.J., one of Janice's most successful models, stops by for an "unannounced" visit to dump the agency and pursue other opportunities. Harsh! And Janice is Not Happy. Turns out, T.J. finds Peter just as creepy and untrustworthy as the rest of us. Also, the whole "other opportunities" thing. According to Janice, things are not looking good for Peter. OMG, can we have an open call for a new business manager? Because that would be great television. They could audition at getting chewed out by Janice without crying, placating clients who've been promised meetings with Janice, who then doesn't show up, and arguing with Janice over whether the agency should hire commercial models or high-fashion models. Good times!
Finally, it's open call time. Unleash the Latinos! Janice insists upon trying to speak to the model wannabes in terrible Spanish, sometimes through a translator, when it's apparent that most of them speak English. Awk-ward! Also, by constantly asking whether he thinks guys are hot, or which guy he'd sleep with, Janice seems to be testing Sorin to see whether his belly shirt is making him gay. Hilarious! Among the participants are a Janice lookalike, a bunch of shirtless dudes, a short chick who refuses to accept that our kind can't model, and MARCUS! (Whom she fired last season for being "completely unmanageable.") He's there with his girlfriend, who is there for the open call.
The open call is such a success that Janice decides she wants to open up a Latino division in her agency (actually kind of a genius plan, since she's operating out of LA), but not before taking a bunch of sexy naked couple pictures at callbacks! Walton, one of the models, views Janice's Latino division as "a milestone in Latin American history." Oh, Walton. You could not underestimate this division more. It is a milestone in WORLD history, like the toppling of the Berlin Wall, or when Britney went crazy and shaved her head.
CC, Janice's Mini-Me, produces "the hottest photograph that's ever come out of the JDMA," and easily makes the cut, along with a bunch of other models. Janice gives them a stirring speech about what a proud day this is for Latin Americans everywhere, and her "dream that all ethnicities remain true, free, and equal, especially in my agency." So...she'll be giving each ethnicity its own special division, then? Even so, I don't think "Brown," of "Brown vs. the Board of Education," would be on board with that plan. I kid, of course. Right on, Latin division! (Not so right on? Janice's constant repetition of Latino stereotypes. But hey, it could be a lot worse, knowing Janice.)
Finally, the day has come for Janice to show her new finds off to VIP Latino magazine, where they will appear with "The Great Carlos Mencia" (aaaand, I just vomited in my mouth a little). A small fly in the ointment: Janice didn't really vet her "Latino" models (which I suspected when several were from Eastern Europe), and makes at least one non-Latina lie about her heritage. To be fair, many are half-Latina, and just don't do a good job selling that half. CC (whose interview hair is distractingly huge), Gracie, and Nadia end up booking the gig.
The day of the shoot, the girls find out that it's not so much going to be a cover with Carlos Mencia (again, LAME), as a feature spread inside the magazine. They're disappointed, and rightly point out that Janice is gonna be pissed when she finds out. However, we don't get to see that fury-fest tonight, and rather are subjected to what appears to be the entire season in 30-second form, down to the big finale. Um...okay. Thanks for the heads-up?