Monday, May 21, 2007

All (Okay, Some) of Your Upfront Questions - Answered!

Last week, the four major broadcast networks (ABC, CBS, NBC, and Fox) and their annoying little sibling (the CW) announced their fall schedules. And now that all the hoopla, the shouting, and the singing (in the case of ABC's Ugly Betty presentation – I told you those people were Broadway mad) are over, it's time for reality to set in, as we take a look at what we've got and say, "Is this it?"

Q. How many shows about supernatural detectives can you have?
A. At least two: Moonlight (he's a vampire) and New Amsterdam (he's immortal). Also, the magic-touch guy in Pushing Daisies will probably be solving some mysteries, and I'm sure the same is true of the Bionic Woman and that time-traveler guy on Journeyman (currently my favorite to get cancelled, because it's occupying the Death Slot behind Heroes).

Q. What's up with Moon Bloodgood and time-travel shows, anyway?
A. I know, right?

Q. Damn you, CW! What will I do without Veronica Mars?
A. Well, there's always Gossip Girl, which will feature Kristen Bell's disembodied voice. And Piz will be on Private Practice, of course. Other than that… you'll probably have to watch the DVDs.

Q. What's the difference between Cashmere Mafia and Lipstick Jungle?
A. One has three women and a cosmetic in the title, and the other has four women and a fabric in the title. And since Cashmere Mafia is on at midseason and Lipstick Jungle is on NBC, aka Nuthin' But Cancellations, I wonder how ABC will feel about their girlfriends-in-the-city show if/when the other one is gone.

Q. I would like to see some shows about butt-kicking women, please. What do you have for me?
A. Well, there's Bionic Woman and The Sarah Connor Chronicles, both of which are about tough ladies. And if you want to see some women taking on bad guys with their minds, there's Women's Murder Club. Assuming, of course, that you have nothing to do on Friday nights.

Q. So what does Dick Wolf have on the NBC executives?
A. I'd say that he had granted ratings success in exchange for their immortal souls and eternal syndication royalties for Law & Order, if a) I didn't already suspect that a certain Horatio Caine was the devil, and b) that deal hadn't, clearly, already expired. So, as that isn't a possibility, I'll have to go with… something about goats.

Q. Hey, who's that actor I'm excited to see has a new show? You know, that one?
A. Is it Jean Smart (Sam I Am)? Kim Raver (Lipstick Jungle)? Kristin Chenoweth (Pushing Daisies)? Victor Garber (Eli Stone)? Everyone on Private Practice?

Q. I like the cavemen commercials and all, but doesn't it seem like too little joke for a half-hour show?
A. Yes. I mean, I haven't seen it, but – yes.