Remember on Alias when Sydney woke up after two years and found herself in Opposite Land? (Sloane was good! Jack was in prison! Vaughn was married! Marshall knocked someone up! Weiss… lost weight!) The same thing is true of Heroes five years in the future. Everyone is different; no two people are the same. (Apologies to Strong Bad.) As a result, the episode is extremely fun and surprising. Let's visit the heroes… of the future!
Some people are President of the United States. Nathan is trying to control the hero population. At first this means sending Evil Matt after them, but it's not really helping anymore, so Nathan's all, "What if we tried killing them all? That might work." Mohinder, his advisor, is horrified, and so are we all, except it's not really Nathan! It's Sylar, with Candice's power! Which sets up an important plot point for the next few weeks: someone has to kill Sylar before all of this happens. I'm voting for Peter, just because he has the best shot at it, and he's not bothering me so much anymore.
Some people are very tall and merciless. Matt is with Homeland Security. Which really just means he goes around arresting people with abilities and getting information out of them. And I could really like Evil Matt if he didn't spend half his time punching or tasering or killing (!) Hiro. That's never cool. Otherwise, though: bad looks good on him. I don't know that I want Matt to be bad, but I do want Greg Grunberg to consider more bad-guy roles.
Some people are no longer pretty. Peter has a wicked scar running across his face. He's also, for some reason, with Niki, who's lost D.L., Micah, and Jessica over the past five years, but is otherwise much the same, having gone back to stripping. Peter is awfully bad-ass, which looks good on him, too – I wouldn't mind seeing him turn out that way – and he helps Ando and Future Hiro get Present Hiro back. And then there's a big hero battle with Sylar, and I don't know how many times they'll be able to pull that off without it getting old, but for right now, it's still exciting.
Some people have set up a witness protection program for heroes. Bennet continues to rock, and he's rocking some thinner glasses, too. Some people have gone brunette. Claire… really doesn't do a whole lot in this episode. Except get killed by Sylar.
Some people are black-clad, soul-patched terrorists. Hiro is completely unrecognizable. And why is he so different? Because Ando died when New York exploded, and all of Hiro's fun died with him. Aw! And ever since, he's been obsessed with trying to change the past and save Ando! Awwww! You guys, I did so much "awww"ing over these guys this week that you would have thought I was watching a boxful of kittens romp around on my TV screen. I just love those two so much. As far as I'm concerned, they have one of the sweetest, strongest relationships on TV, and here's hoping Hiro never becomes the terrorist kendo master of the future. Save Ando!
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Heroes: Welcome to the World of Tomorrow
24: All About Audrey
The first rule of being in charge of CTU: always listen to Jack Bauer. How do you think Buchanan lasted so long? He rolled over almost every single time for Jack, and it was always the right call. Nadia has to learn this rule the hard way this week when Jack insists on being allowed to talk to Audrey to try to snap her out of her catatonic state. The alternative is a pharmaceutical procedure with a high likelihood of killing her, and I have no idea if this is sound psychology or not, but given how eager the psychologist is to try it, I'd say the problem rests squarely with him. Certainly he has some sort of problem, since he delivers all his lines in a super-fast monotone that makes me wonder if anyone explained to him that "There's no time!" is just an expression that Jack likes to throw around. There's always time for taking a breath, shrink guy. With a little help from Doyle, Jack breaks out Audrey and manages to get through to her, because Jack is always right. But it really is a sweet scene between the two of them, so I can't complain. The episode ends with Heller (yay, William Devane!) showing up to call Jack a curse (it's true) and take Audrey home. No! I don't want Kim Raver to leave yet! She's doing a fantastic job – particularly as Audrey is slowly coming around – and she's the most interesting thing going on right now. Thank goodness IMDb says she's staying.
Meanwhile, in the White House, they're getting all kinds of threats from the Russians, who know about the chip, and poor Tom gets seriously grossed out when Daniels tells him about his affair with Lisa. At least, that's what it looked like to me, although I could have been projecting. And then there's Morris, who somehow hasn't learned yet that working, or doing anything, with Chloe is always going to be uncomfortable. He whines some more, but Nadia awesomely shuts him down. She's really doing a good job running CTU. But Chloe goes missing, which sucks, because why the hell can't Morris be the one who disappears?
Monday, April 30, 2007
The Amazing Race: Seriously, Don't Press Any Buttons
Damn it. I really wanted Danny and Oswald to win. They're so fun and easygoing, and even though they've gotten snippy with each other recently, they still have one of the healthiest relationships on this show, surpassing quite a few of the so-called romantically involved partners. Isn't it always the case that the friends and family members who race together are closer than the dating couples and, sometimes, the married ones? Danny and Oswald certainly conformed to this pattern, and I hope Danny wasn't kidding about the gay old folks' home, because that would be fantastic. So long, guys, and thanks for all the memories.
This week's theme, besides despair and heartbreak, is the U.S. military. The teams go to Guam, and all tasks they have to complete there are armed forces-related, from the dirty (cleaning a B-52) to the humanitarian (dropping supplies). Unfortunately, the warmth and fuzziness of the airdrop is tarnished slightly by Mirna, who is admonished by her military supervisor, the hard-nosed sergeant type, to put her supplies in the box with at least some degree of love. Ironically, this was indeed her chance to make love, not war, and she didn't do such a good job with it. I'm just saying, it's interesting.
The Roadblock, which takes place at the naval base on Guam, involves searching (for a pilot) and rescuing (yourself), and here is where I really started to enjoy myself. Because the teams have to follow a little GPS device to the pilot and to the landing zone, and some of the racers have serious problems with it. Charla, for example, is told at least three times not to press any buttons on her GPS device, but keeps doing it, and every time her military guide said, with barely concealed irritation, "Ma'am, I told you not to press the buttons," I laughed. But I also laughed when Oswald couldn't find his pilot when he was standing ten feet from him, lest you think that I was being mean. (I was, a little, but it was equal opportunity.)
And so now I am left with three teams I'm not particularly excited about. And just so I have some reason to be invested in the finale, I'm going to have to root for Dustin and Kandice, because I'd really like to see an all-female team win, and they have the best shot. They're efficient, they work well together, and they don't press any extraneous buttons. Go beauty queens!
Friday, April 27, 2007
Grey's Anatomy: The Penis Fish of Marital Justice
Last week on Grey's Anatomy, Izzie donated bone marrow for her long-lost daughter. And I hope you weren't expecting to get any resolution on that or anything, because it doesn't even come up this week.
No, this week is all about relationships and penis fish. I'll begin with the penis fish, because I like saying penis fish, and also because I'm sick of the relationship crap. It seems Assistant Director Skinner has taken a break from thwarting (and later helping) Mulder and Scully, and is now Chairman of the Board at Seattle Grace. As such, he's a pretty hot commodity 'round these parts, especially for the Chiefs-in-waiting, especially now that his testicles are the size of grapefruits. Yep, grapefruits. Turns out, he's got a bad case of the ol' penis fish. What's a penis fish, you ask? The candirú is apparently a type of catfish that lives in the Amazon and, according to Wikipedia,
It is feared by the natives because it is attracted to urine or blood, and if the bather is nude it will swim into an orifice (the anus or vagina, or even the penis—and deep into the urethra). It then erects its spine and begins to feed on the blood and body tissue just as it would from the gills of a fish. The candirú is then almost impossible to remove except through surgery. The fish locates its host by following a water flow to its source and thus urinating while bathing increases the chance of a candirú homing in on a human urethra.
DISGUSTING! And also fascinating! Evolution is a marvelous thing, you guys. Wow. Incidentally, much as God punished Izzie for adultering last week, God is punishing Skinner this week. Because he's totally boning his assistant. Only not so much lately, one would presume, because of the aforementioned penis fish. Anyway, his assistant leaves him, his wife totally knows about the whole thing, and let this be a valuable lesson to anyone paying close attention (in this case, George and Izzie). Izzie tries to steer clear of George after Callie begs her to relinquish him, but George takes the plunge and decides to leave Seattle Grace for dreaded rival Mercy West. DUN DUN DUUUUUN!
Meanwhile, everyone else eats sample wedding cakes. Except for Addison and Alex, who finally do the dirty deed in the on call room. And then Alex gives her the ol' "You're not my girlfriend--you're just a dirty tramp who slept with me in the on call room, thus breaking your 'no sex for a month' vow with Sloan, who is so onto us, by the way" brush-off, sending Addison to the verge of Spin-Off-dom. But that's not until next week. Oh, and something about Meredith and Derek's relationship being in trouble. Again. Whatever.
Ugly Betty: No Comeuppance!
I told you they'd get back together. Halfway through this episode, Betty and Daniel are apologizing to each other and talking about how important their friendship is – and then Betty starts with the lecturing. Yay, they're back! Daniel's in trouble over the fallout from last week's statutory rape, and almost has to resign from Mode, but Betty saves the day, with an assist from a purse-snatching Henry. Ah, Henry – it's been too long, my friend. The two of them prove that Petra is actually 20. Daniel's so relieved that he immediately goes to have more indiscriminate sex, over Betty's protests, because he will never get his comeuppance, you hear? Don't worry about it, Betty; just book him a trip to the Amazon and hope for a repeat of last night's Grey's Anatomy. That oughta straighten him out. Sidebar: how cool were Petra and her mom/sister, anyway? I'm sorry that their storyline is over so soon. I could watch Petra's momster smack around Petra and Daniel all day.
What is with this Alexis/Bradford relationship? Last week Alexis discovered that her dad missed her and loved her, and this week Bradford's willing to offer her $10 million to get lost and pay off a Brazilian guy to seduce her away. I suppose the two aren't mutually exclusive, but still. Same with Alexis and Daniel – one week they're playing nice together, this week Alexis is cruelly using him in her game against Bradford. It's all so confusing! I never know what's going on!
In the Suarez household, a couple of things happen: Hilda gets engaged (yes, to Santos), and Papa's getting sent back to Mexico. And if this ends up anything like My Name Is Earl, someone is going to have to cross the field of rakes to get him back. I nominate Justin; he's got little feet.
By the way, next week looks awesome. Claire returns to shiv Wilhelmina a new one, and everyone else goes to Medieval Times, unless I dreamed it, which is entirely possible. If I did: best dream ever!
Thursday, April 26, 2007
House: House, You Dog!
Well, the mystery of Foreman's lack of plot has been solved--this week's House was all Foreman, all the time. What have we learned? Foreman has the sweetest mother ever, who unfortunately has Alzheimer’s. So tragic. For reals. Also, Foreman never goes home because he's afraid the projects will sink their grimy claws into him and never let go. Finally, Foreman actually has a heart, and the ability to feel guilt and regret. Of course, if you can't feel guilt and regret after killing a patient who is your alter-ego, you're more machine than man.
Said patient is a scam artist who made a few bad decisions where Foreman made a few good decisions. She came in with what looked like an autoimmune disease or cancer, and Foreman decided that killing her immune system before doing the necessary tests would be a good way to go. Because, you know, that's how they roll in House's...house. Anyway, turns out she had a simple infection that's now totally untreatable due to the newly destroyed immune system. Oops. Foreman feels pretty bad about it, though, so I guess it's all good. Except for the dead patient and all.
In the meantime, House gets all jealous of Wilson and Cuddy, and pries the following out of Wilson's ex-wife: Wilson befriends women and makes them fall in love with him. Wilson is great in bed. She and Wilson have an antisocial, unlikable dog whose name is some sort of implausible anagram of House's name--Hector, for short. Somehow, all this information adds up to House deciding that Cuddy has to sleep with Wilson in order to prevent her from falling in love with him (not quite sure how the math works out on that one), and House getting a new furry soul mate. In short, next week promises to be intriguing.
30 Rock: Where Do You Think You're Going?
Poor Alec Baldwin. I know he's going through a rough time right now. He left his agency, someone leaked a damaging voicemail, and he's not going to win any Father of the Year awards (but if it's any consolation for him, he's still better than that guy who ran out on his son when he needed a kidney). But leaving 30 Rock? He made the show; this would break it.
I respect that Baldwin wants to spend more time figuring out whatever it is he's got going on, and to work on his relationship with his daughter (and, I'd hope, with his ex-wife, for the sake of his daughter). And I appreciate that, if Baldwin really has the acting fatigue that he says he does, he's not going to be invested in the show and won't give his all. But, as a fan of 30 Rock, I'm happy that NBC has shut him down. Without him, 30 Rock wouldn't have much to offer. Just good writing, Kenneth the Page, and the occasional laugh from Tracy Morgan. I believe that Baldwin was most of the reason why NBC renewed it, why it's gotten such good critical reviews, and he's going to be the draw for new viewers, either because they've heard how good he is as Jack Donaghy or because of everything that's going down with him personally. He's easily the funniest person on the show, and he has a rapport with Tina Fey that is both sweet and absurd. 30 Rock without him would be an empty husk of its former self, like The X-Files after David Duchovny left or NewsRadio after Phil Hartman died or ER now. So I hope that Baldwin can use the summer hiatus to deal with as much as he possibly can, and come back to the 30 Rock set refreshed and ready to work again, because a cranky Baldwin is not going to be good for anyone on that set or at home.
Anyway, watch the 30 Rock season finale tonight!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Heroes: Breaking Out is Fun to Do
Yata! Heroes is finally back, and revving up for the end of the season. And while Hiro and Ando stretch out their vacation until the end of the episode, it's worth it. They end up in New York City, after the bomb, and find two things in Isaac's old place: a timeline, and Futuristic Samurai Hiro. Meanwhile, in the present, Isaac is sacrificed to Sylar's collecting fever, and damn, does Sylar suck at painting. We also check in with Candice: yep, still a bitch. This week, the big storylines are:
Linderman: He chats about the future with Nathan, showing him the picture of him in the Oval Office and championing the nuclear bomb. See, Linderman wants New York to blow up to shake things up, and if in the meantime, Nathan becomes a Bush/Giuliani-style leader in crisis, that's just a bonus. Linderman then goes on to kidnap Micah, whose power will be helpful in whatever he's got planned. Oh, and he has a power, too. Yeah, he's a healer, and honestly, does everyone have to have a power? It would really be refreshing to meet someone and discover that he had no power. In fact, it would be more shocking than if he did have a power. Please let Ando stay just the way he is. Oh, and Bennet. As long as there are a few people without powers, I'll be happy.
Peter and the Petrellis: When last we left Peter, Sylar was after his delicious brain. But things go south quickly, even from there, and Peter ends up with a big piece of glass in his skull. Mohinder is left to take Sylar out (I know, I'm as surprised as you are!) and bring Peter's body to the Petrelli home. Hilariously, when Nathan sees his dead brother, he says, "He wasn't supposed to die this way!" Yes, he was supposed to die blowing up New York City. I know it would have been in bad form for Nathan to celebrate Peter dying without taking anyone with him, but at least don't make it sound like you would have preferred the other way, Nathan. (Or would you?) As I was, and I'm sure all of you were, yelling at the screen, all they have to do is take out the giant shard of glass from his brain and Peter reboots, much like Claire did with the branch in the brain stem incident. In other news, Granny Petrelli offers to take Claire to Paris, which should be interesting, if they ever make it.
The Dream Team: Matt and Bennet are locked up in Odessa together, but Bennet has a plan, which he communicates telepathically to Matt, to get them out. The whole thing, awesomely, is rather like an Alias mission, the kind that Weiss only got to go on when the writers remembered his existence. Bennet directs Matt to knock out the guard, break out Ted, and take out the building's power grid with an EMP from Ted. (Yes! Ted proves his worth!) When we leave them, the boys, Matt, Ted, and Bennet, are on their way to New York City to destroy the hero tracking system. Hooray! Not only does it put them in position to play a role in the Exploding Peter incident (well, we knew Ted had to be involved somehow), but this is exactly what I wanted – Matt joining up with other heroes and being part of a major plot. This Matt-Bennet partnership has brought nothing but good things.
America's Next Top Model: Brittany needs this like she needs a(nother) hole in the head.
One of these days, I'm gonna make it home from work by 8 on a Wednesday. One of these days. So last week on Top Model, Tyra Banks proved once again that she is not afraid to look completely effing ridiculous to get a couple laughs or surprise the girls. In this instance, the girls are met by Tyra hopping around in a giant kangaroo outfit (as furries all over the world rewind their Tivos over and over again), joined by an actual kangaroo who hops around gamely but confusedly. Yes, the girls are headed to Australia, land of vegemite and hot accents. Also lots of snakes (mostly venomous), which I hope will prove entertaining later this cycle.
Upon their arrival, the girls have to memorize Aussie slang terms, which they will use while dazzling the locals with their fabulous interviewing skills (taught by April from Cycle 2 before they left the states). Brittany is worried because after an accident a few years ago (and the resulting eight staples in her head), her short term memory is only slightly better than the guy from Memento's. Don't worry, Brittany! Carson Daly does a perfectly mediocre job interviewing people, and just think how many times he must've been dropped on his head as a child!
After the interviewing challenge, which Natasha inexplicably manages to win, the girls meet Orange Jay out in a park to shoot the fabled Covergirl commercial (the Waterloo of many a promising Top Model contestant in the past). Oh, and they'll be reading their lines with Aussie accents. HA! It's no Catalan, but still... Natasha is rightfully worried, as is poor half-wit Brittany.
The filming is just as hilarious as you would expect. Renee does a fine job with her lines, but her accent is insanely over-the-top, and she appears to be wearing an absurd cravat of some sort. Which isn't really her fault, but still works against her. Dionne is pretty blah, but Jael is ridiculous, like a depressed model who took uppers and is now a caricature of herself. Jaslene struggles with her lines, but ends up pulling it out, and Brittany (predictably) can't get through the lines at all. Natasha is overly serious (it's a Covergirl commercial, dude, not a PSA about herpes), but gets the job done.
The end result is amazing. Worst. Accents. Ever. I'm laughing as hard as I can only imagine people who speak Catalan did upon watching last cycle's commercial. It's so nice to finally be able to share their mirth. At judging, it becomes apparent that Renee thought she did way better than she actually did. Ah, the old "be an actress and a model" conundrum. It's felled many a good contestant before you, Renee. Brittany cries like crazy about her head wound, and the panel is all, "tough titty!" It's awesome. Tyra stretches the bounds of hyperbole by saying she almost thought she was looking at a real Covergirl commercial. Covergirl commercial actresses everywhere stick pins in their Tyra-shaped voodoo dolls.
Natasha, Renee, Jaslene, and Dionne are in. Do we even need to do the rest? So long, Jael! ...Okay, okay. According to Tyra, Brittany needs to be able to do a Covergirl ad successfully to be a Top Model, and Jael is absurd on film. Brittany stays, Jael is out, and TV is now 100% more sane.
24: Meh.
Anyone else feel like nothing really happened this week? Maybe it's just having Heroes to compare it to again, but the storylines just didn't hold my interest. Okay, so Morris and Chloe are having problems, but Morris is being whiny, so whatever. Karen and Buchanan are having problems, too, and there's a little bit of intrigue, in that Karen is basically screwing her husband out of his job in order to keep hers, but Buchanan's had that job for far too long. Why, he's been head of CTU for almost a whole season! It's unheard of! It's time for some new redshirt from Division to take charge of CTU and get back to the real business of CTU heads: getting killed, directly or indirectly, by Jack.
And then there's the exchange, the chip for Audrey, which is, unsurprisingly, ruined by CTU. It's not the end of the season yet, and no one was listening to Jack, least of all Doyle, so of course he's going to start the firefight that got Cheng out, with the chip and unexploded. The only shocking moment this week is what happened to Audrey: she lost her mind in China! It's true! The Pizzicato Strings of Derangment tell us so! Okay, 24, that is exciting, and I'm interested to see where it goes, but you really have to step up your game if you want to lure viewers away from Heroes.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Planet Earth: Our Planet ROCKS!
Has anyone else been watching Planet Earth, the not-so-mini-series on the Discovery Channel? It's basically an amped-up version of Wild Kingdom, with absolutely incredible cinematography and a fancy-pants celebrity narrator. Each hour-long episode is focused on one aspect of our fabulous planet. I watched "Caves" last night, and here is but a small sampling of what I learned:
- There's a cave somewhere in a country I will now probably never visit that contains a 300-foot pile of bat crap, completely covered in cockroaches.
- Bird's nest soup is made from the nest of the cave swiftlet, a bird which roosts in the walls of caves in nests it makes with its own saliva. Yeah.
- Cave glow worms glow in order to lure insects into sticky threads dangling from their bodies, so they can reel in their prey just like fishermen.
Cool, right? You too can learn to amuse, fascinate, and disgust your friends with facts like those by watching Planet Earth on Sundays at 8 on the Discovery Channel.
The weird thing, though, is that I can't help but see it as a record of our planet before we reach the point of no return with the environmental destruction and global warming and whatnot. And that as soon as twenty-five years from now, someone will be watching it on holo-DVD or whatever and be all, "Wow, there used to be orangutans in the wild? And look, amphibians! Those were great, before we killed them all with pesticides and stuff. And oooh, polar bears, back when they had a natural habitat. And the oceans actually have fish in them!"
I guess we can at least be grateful Planet Earth is such a beautiful, interesting record of the amazing planet we're ruining. But still, let's eat less meat and ride our bicycles more, okay, people? Happy Earth Day!
The Amazing Race: Much Ado About Yielding
After a few episodes with supremely unexciting endings, in which the last team was either too far behind to make any difference or spared by a non-elimination leg, it feels good to finally have a nail-biting finish. I would have liked it more if it had been Charla and Mirna racing for the bottom spot, instead of Oswald and Danny, but then I wouldn't have cared as much, I guess. The cousins' butts are saved, despite Mirna's best efforts to get herself run over by a bus, by Eric and Danielle's elimination penalty and Danny and Oswald's very bad day. They get lost in the middle of Macau both by themselves and with their taxi driver, who so upsets them that Oswald threatens to kill him. (Oh, yes he does, and he wants God to help him hide the body.) It comes down to Eric and Danielle, waiting out their penalty, and the Chas, running to the pit stop, and the Chas are too late. And what do we get for this suspenseful finish? Another non-elimination leg. Yes, again. But I'm not really upset, because it means that Danny and Oswald are still in it. Besides, Phil promised that this was the last non-elimination leg, so from this point forward, everyone gets dumped like the dead weight they are. Or like the body of Oswald's taxi driver, in the South China Sea.
So, you remember how there was that one episode where someone got yielded? And then there was that episode where everyone kept talking about how someone got yielded? Yeah, someone gets yielded again. Actually, the same someone. By, more or less, the same someone again. Except, this time, the beauty queens actually hire the cash-strapped Danny and Oswald to do it for them, after the Chas pitch the deal. But… why don't Dustin and Kandice do it themselves? They'd get to keep the money, and it's not like Eric and Danielle aren't going to find out that they paid for the Yield anyway. In fact, Dustin and Kandice tell them so. It's not going to save their reputations in front of the other teams to pin the blame on someone else. Besides, do they really care what Mirna thinks of them? The beauty queens do claim that it was also a bribe to keep Danny and Oswald from yielding them, which may well be true, but it still strikes me as getting threatened by a puppy. Needless to say, Mirna saddles up her high horse to pass judgment on the Chas, and Eric is just plain furious with them. Phil actually laughs as he's telling the Chas how angry Eric is about the whole thing, which either means that he thinks Eric needs to get over it or he's really into schadenfreude. Clearly, Phil's not impressed by Eric's Yield Rage, which only makes sense, because he knows Colin. Remember when Colin got yielded and he tried to make Chip's head explode with his mind? Man, why isn't Colin on this race?
Meanwhile, an extremely cool Roadblock: skyjump off the Macau Tower. I mean, it's cool for other people to do. Not me. They would have to shove me off the platform, and even then I'd be hurling curses at my partner the entire way down. But the people who did it seemed to like it!
Friday, April 20, 2007
Grey's Anatomy: When it rains in Seattle, it pours...and then your kid gets leukemia.
Is it just me, or is this show becoming a downer? God, it seems, is punishing Izzie for her adulterous ways by giving her long-lost daughter leukemia. And then having Izzie go through a painful medical procedure to help her out, after being completely rejected by said daughter.
And in other daughters rejecting semi-mothers news, Meredith wants nothing to do with her estranged father's overly-mothering wife, until the fake mother confesses that she just feels guilty for letting Meredith's dad ignore Meredith all those years.
And in other, other fake parents news, Alex's facially-challenged amnesiac gets claimed by a kindly couple from the Midwest only to be tragically rejected when the mother decides that she isn't her daughter after all. Harsh. And in other rejection news, the Chief tells Derek that he won't pick Derek as his replacement because he promised Ellis that he'd protect Meredith, and being Chief ruined his marriage. Because that's not going to lead to resentment that will break up the relationship anyway.
In other troubled relationship news, Callie is on to George and Izzie after George stops ignoring Izzie long enough to be her friend during the bone marrow transplant, and then lies to Callie about where he was. And finally, in other, other troubled relationship news, Lord John Marbury has left Seattle Grace and Cristina after realizing that her relationship with Burke has made her soft and boring. Which then leaves Cristina worried and contemplative. Hmm. Nope. Not a lot of good news this week.
Ugly Betty: There's a Party in the Love Dungeon, and I Don't Want to be Invited
This week: everyone wants to find Fey's love dungeon. (This show, sometimes: so far over the top that the top is a dot to them.) Alexis wants to find it to locate Fey's most recent diaries, to fulfill everyone's hopes and free Claire. Because she hasn't done it yet, the lazy slattern. Free Claire! Wilhelmina wants to find it to get some clue as to how best to seduce Bradford. The answer: feet. Man, I knew that Wilhelmina trying to seduce Bradford would be awful, but I never anticipated foot seduction. Blurg. And Amanda – well, she just wants to show up Deputy Leo, who's been run out of Neptune by Keith and has now taken a job as Alexis' assistant. None of them finds the love dungeon, but we do. Oh, goody. You know, I really wanted to be the one to find it. Perhaps we can have more foot seduction, too.
Yeah, so you remember how Constance the Crazy Case Worker was crazy? Girl still crazy, and after a bout of normalcy – the eye of the crazy storm, if you will – kidnaps Papa Suarez and threatens to marry him. Oh, and also, she was totally fired two months ago for being crazy. So Hilda warns Papa, he tries to escape, but Constance steals his cell and forces him into a hideous powder-blue tux, and everything builds up to a big crazy head – until we discover Why Constance is Crazy. Yes, break out the tinkly piano music, because poor Constance gets forgotten by her charges as soon as they become citizens, and just once she wants someone to remember her. Oh, come on. All these weeks of crazitude and they slap a sad little bow on it and expect us to go "aww"? I hate it when this show goes all Full House on us.
In things that are actually sad: Betty and Daniel break up! Daniel's tired of being taken care of by Betty, and he tells her, despite all evidence, ever, to the contrary, that her job ends when she leaves the office. So when he calls looking for help with the statutory rape and blackmail he just got himself into (…yeah), Betty won't talk to him and Daniel is left to give himself an internal uh-oh five. Oh, she'll just go back to him right away. They have the second best relationship on the show - after Marc and Amanda but before Marc and Wilhelmina - and it would be tragic to lose it.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Shear Genius: It's No Project Runway, But It'll Do
When I first heard about Shear Genius, I thought that I must be hallucinating. Surely Bravo could not be so desperate for something to fill the void between seasons of Project Runway (and, arguably, of Top Chef) as to bring us yet another professional competition show, this one about hairstylists? But it's actually not as silly as I was afraid it would be. Oh, it's still silly - spoiled stylists freak out after being asked to do color, and last week's hair show was no Blow Dry. But Shear Genius comes very close to capturing the essence of Project Runway, with its runway shows and mentor who's not part of the judging panel (unlike Tom Colicchio, who doesn't so much try to help you out of the hole you've dug yourself as think, "Gone!"). However, I have yet to see Rene Fris offer up much criticism besides, "Do you think you can finish in time?" Then, of course, they deal with live models, which instantly makes the show more interesting. Particularly this week, when a few of the stylists completely ruined their clients' hair. Embarrassment on the PR runway only lasts as long as you have to wear the booty-flaunting sweater dress, but embarrassment here stays with you until Bravo gives you another cut, on them, to replace the horrid carroty monstrosity visited upon you. It's like every episode is Top Model's makeover show, and if that sounds like a good time to you, then Shear Genius is your kind of show.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
House: Wilson has a sense of humor?
I only have a couple minutes, so this recap will be short. But, to make up for that, I will write it in haiku. Because it doesn't get any better than haiku. Here we go:
Penis cream scares me
Cute little girl had a stroke
Her brother bit Chase
Chase loves Cameron
She's still not that into him
Getting pathetic
Wilson loves Cuddy
Or is it a joke on House?
It totally is!
No plot for Foreman?
Will House and Cuddy hook up?
It's a mystery
Whatever He's Selling, I'll Buy
First, there are the bizarre commercials for this company that the Idol contestants are contractually press-ganged into each week. (I'm sure I don't need to tell you the name of the company, because if you watch American Idol, these commercials already haunt your dreams, or possibly your nightmares.) Then, there's the commercial directed by David Mamet that premiered last night. Yes, you read that right. But as far as I'm concerned, the most effective commercials that the company has are the ones starring Mike Rowe. I'm not part of their target audience – at all – but whenever Mike starts talking about a fully boxed spring, I'm all, "Ooh, fully boxed spring!" even though I have no idea what it is, why I would want it, or what would happen to me if my spring was not fully boxed. (Mike seems to think it would be something bad.) All I know is that Mike is awesome, and that I should do whatever he says, because Mike Rowe would never steer me wrong. This is why I have five trucks. Darn you, Mike!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
24: Why Don't You Just Stay Rogue, Already?
Okay, I'm starting to see how this part of the season follows from the rest. Not that I think that the writers had the Audrey storyline planned all along, or even as far as a few episodes ahead, when they realized that Kim Raver was going to be free, but they're doing well keeping the elements from the first part of the season alive in the next. The Chinese are after components from the nukes, and Doyle, who was introduced as a sort of Jack Mark II, now ends up as his adversary. This is not to say that 24 is done ripping itself off, because Jack goes rogue again – twice – in order to comply with Cheng's demands, and he recruits Chloe to help him. Chloe's not too into the idea of giving the Chinese sensitive technology, concerned that it will create an international incident "big time." And when Chloe is worried about causing an awkward situation, you may need to reevaluate your plan. No worries, though; Jack plans on blowing up the chip before the Chinese can have it, blowing up himself, if necessary, in the process. But how does he get the chip if the nukes are under military guard? Easy – he hollers at the guards until they give in. No one can stand against the power of his holler.
So it's not the end of the season yet, and he's not dead yet, but I'm giving myself partial credit for calling Wayne's collapse, because the nuclear threat is over and he's pretty much gone for the rest of the season. So now Vice President Daniels is in charge, along with his minion (whose name is Lisa Miller, and if that's not a NewsRadio shout-out, I'm going to pretend it is anyway, because there are frankly not enough NewsRadio shout-outs). The second thing Daniels does, after getting his taunt on, all, "Way to go, Karen, you totally killed the president," is to call off Jack's operation, causing him to go rogue for the second time.
Hilariously, when Jack does so, abandoning Doyle on the side of the road, Doyle yells, "You can't go against the White House!" Tell that to Logan, Doyle. Assuming you can find him, of course, and assuming even more that he's not dead when you find him.
Monday, April 16, 2007
The Amazing Race: Kung Fu Hustle
Hey, this leg was a lot of fun! Even though – or, perhaps, because – it was designed by someone who loves Hong Kong action movies. Detour: climb bamboo scaffolding while fending off martial artists. Roadblock: kick in doors in an abandoned building. Fast Forward: get strapped into a car and hang on while the driver performs a movie stunt. The last one is the best, and also the most unintentionally funny, because the show tries to convince you, with ominous music, that Oswald and Danny don't survive when the car flips over. Like it wouldn't have been front-page news if The Amazing Race had killed two of its contestants. But they're alive, have fun, and come in first. Yay! Coming in last this week are Eric and Danielle, but, because they're not ready for the finale, it's a non-elimination leg. I don't understand the logic of having a Fast Forward in a non-elimination leg, unless it's to throw the racers off, or to scare the audience into thinking that one of the teams is dead. Otherwise, there's no real point to it. Yeah, Danny and Oswald had fun, but they were going to have fun no matter what they did. That's who they are.
Charla and Mirna, meanwhile, are still mad at Dustin and Kandice about last week's Yield. And if you're thinking to yourself, "But wait, they weren't the ones Yielded," you'd be right. They're madder about it than Eric and Danielle, even. It's probably just a symptom of how much they hate the beauty queens, because I don't know that they would have gotten this mad at anyone else. The previews suggest that next week, Eric and Danielle and Charla and Mirna team up to wreak some Yield revenge on the beauty queens, which I wouldn't mind, as long as it means that Cha-Cha-Cha can sidle around the fray and finish first. Go Chas!
Friday, April 13, 2007
30 Rock: Jefferson Lives!
I underestimated 30 Rock. I thought the Thomas Jefferson thing would be a one-episode gag, one that would disappear like Jenna did. (Seriously, where did she go? And if the answer is not "Muffin Tops world tour," I will be sorely disappointed.) But it's back, and will probably be around for a while. And while I'm reserving judgment for now, I am hopeful that it's going to be funny, because a) Kenneth is involved, and b) that trailer is great. Besides, it's 30 Rock, and I've come to trust Tina Fey. I wasn't sure about Floyd, either, but she made me like him. That scene in Liz's apartment? Awesome. Okay, most of that was because of Jack, and the rest was pretty much Liz, but still, Floyd was there. He gets credit for that.
