24: Everything Really Wrapped Up Nicely... And Much Quicker Than Usual!

I think at this point I'm going to have to start every 24 post with, "So you remember how last week this happened? Yeah, not so much." 24 just loves to fake you out, and, sure, it keeps you tuning in for next week, but then when, oh, I don't know, the president's possibly brain damage-assisted decision to order a nuclear strike turns out to be a bluff, you feel a little cheated. Wayne's brain is just fine, but it's not like he has no lingering effects from getting blown up. I can see how you would assume that he wouldn't, considering that if Jack got blown up, he'd be up three minutes later, growling, "I'm fine," and making demands of Buchanan. Wayne, however, is in tremendous pain, and being a total hero about it, all, "No! No doctors! Must... lead... country!" Wayne is going to drop dead in the season finale, isn't he? I can see it now: the day is over, everyone is happy, Karen and Tom say, "Well done, Mr. President," and Wayne smiles… and keels over. And then Sandra becomes president somehow. She's a Palmer; that seems to be enough for the 24 voters.

Meanwhile, CTU arranges a fake rescue for Fayed to encourage him to reveal the location of the remaining nukes, but he's too smart for them. He manages to escape (even without the help of one of CTU's laughably porous perimeters) and takes off in a truck with a stowaway: Jack. Super Jack somehow manages to call Buchanan while holding on to the undercarriage for dear life, but even he can't holler hard enough to make himself heard over the engine. That has got to be one seriously loud engine, because Jack is no slouch when it comes to yelling. Once he reaches the secret bomb warehouse, Fayed reveals his plan: nuke downtown LA. Oh, come on, Fayed. If you really want to hurt Los Angeles, you'll go for the freeways. But before Fayed can put his dastardly plan into action, Jack pops out, kills all his minions, and gets into one of the dirtiest fights in 24 history with Fayed, complete with biting, head-butting, rusty pipes, and one giant chain that Jack uses to choke the life out of Fayed. At least, we assume so. The "hanging a guy by an industrial chain" thing didn't work for Bruce Willis in Die Hard, so I guess we'll have to see if Fayed, like Karl, shows up at the end of the season to die again at the hand of Reginald VelJohnson. (Um. Spoiler.)

So there you have it: Fayed is dead (…for now), the bombs are secure, and – hey, wait! It's only 11:00! Rip-off! What about the other seven episodes? Turns out they're wrapping up the main storyline early to start on another one: Audrey's alive, and the Chinese are holding her for some kind of ransom. Tell us something we didn't already figure out, 24.