Tuesday, January 16, 2007

24: Bring Back the Cougar!

Okay, everyone. You can all relax now. The Great Morris/Milo Slapfight of '07 has been resolved. Turns out they were fighting over Chloe. What a gripping storyline that was! I can't think of any storyline that held my interest more – except, perhaps, for every other storyline that's ever been on this show, and that's including the one with the cougar. At least there was the possibility that Kim would get eaten by the cougar. No one ever releases a cougar into CTU. Shut up, Morris and Milo.

You remember Ahmed, the teen terrorist from yesterday? Well, he may be young, but he's possibly the most fearsome terrorist ever. In fact, he must be, because despite being outnumbered, severely injured, whacked out on painkillers, and the star of Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj, Ahmed still manages to cow the stupid neighbors into doing what he wants, which is: retrieving a piece of equipment and delivering it to Fayed. This little piece of hardware is for a suitcase nuke, which the nuclear scientist that Fayed broke out of prison (uh, by the way, he broke a nuclear scientist out of prison) is putting together. Yes, it's another season with nukes. At least, it's starting out with nukes – by the end of the season, it'll probably be sharks with laser beams on their heads or something.

Walid, meanwhile, keeps doing his good works, to assuage the producers' guilt over all the negative portrayals of Muslims they've shown over the years. I mean, I assume that's what he's doing. Even though the government has shunted him into a detention camp, he manages to remain a fighter for justice, standing up for the other guys, and a loyal American, eavesdropping on the conversations of terrorists around him. He even manages to pass one of the terrorists' phrases on to the authorities, perfectly, despite speaking no Arabic. But why doesn't he speak Arabic? Are we supposed to trust him more if he doesn't speak it, because Arabic is the language of the terrorists? I find it suspicious that he doesn't speak Arabic, because what, then, is the accent for? Decoration?

And in the Jack Plot: Assad and Jack continue their buddy cop hijinks, managing, through an ingenious piece of street theater, to wangle their suspect into the car with Assad so they can follow him. Everything is all sunshine, puppies, and roses with Jack and his new best friend until Curtis shows up with a beef. Apparently Assad killed Curtis' men way back when he was a baddie, so now Curtis is going to kill Assad. Jack, faced with the choice between them, kills Curtis. Yes, kills him dead. I know! To his credit, this is one of the few deaths he's caused that he's actually pretty upset about. But before he can get too broken up about it, the nuclear bomb goes off! And there's the promise of four more! Oh, the tension! Just wait until they release the sharks!

Bonus Kiefer Footage! Check out these three spots for CalorieMate, a Japanese energy bar. The company not only hired Kiefer to sell their product, but also brought along makeup, set, and costume artists to make the spots seem like real episodes of 24. Real episodes of 24 in which Jack has an inexplicable Japanese sidekick with an obsession for CalorieMate bars, that is. Although I kind of like the sidekick. Can he be a regular?

6 comments:

Dylan Borgman said...

My favorite line from those commercials: WHAT? I CAN'T EAT THAT NOW! Also we get some bonus THERE'S NO TIME!s and an extra WE'RE OUT OF TIME!

My feeling about last night's episode all seemed to hover around a sense of guilty pleasure that Los Angeles, which has managed to avoid getting nuked, what, three times now? Finally got what's coming to it. Yeeeeeah...

By the way, remember when they were going to the Sand Canyon Exit on the 7 freeway? I was up there on a job not three days ago shooting an expensive house for a magazine. Like, literally right there.

I'm really hoping that Dr. Bashir becomes a major character in this show. I know that these bit players kinda weave in and out of the plot on 24 but I think he would be a great addition to the cast this year and possibly in seasons to come. The only thing that annoys me is that they keep trying to make him out to be a stand-in for Osama Bin Laden and when I try to imagine Osama running around with Jack trying to stop nuclear suitcase bombs from going off, I start alternatively laughing and crying hysterically.

Lori said...

I didn't get that he was a stand-in for bin Laden, but I do think that he's a good addition to the show. I'd love for the 24 movie to be a buddy cop movie with the two of them, because they do have that dynamic going. One's an ex-terrorist! One's a counterterrorist expert! They're wackily mismatched!

Anonymous said...

First of all, kudos to Lori for using the word "assuage" in her blog thing.

As for you, Dylan... first you comment about watching Ally McBeal, and then you come back and talk about how you enjoyed seeing LA getting what it deserved... AND TOTAL REDEEM YOURSELF!


Right now, I've got three problems with this show:

1. Bill Buchanan is horrendous at his job. He underutilizes his superstars, nobody listens to him, and CTU consistently fails to prevent terrorism. He's just like the recently fired head coach of the Oakland Raiders, Art Shell. (Think about it, Shell never throws to Randy Moss, and Buchanan never trusts Jack Bauer. Nobody on the Raiders listens to Art Shell, and they continually lose, while nobody at CTU listens to Buchanan, and the terrorists keep killing people, breaking things, and infiltrating CTU.) The only reason this guy has a job is because he's married to that ugly woman who now works for the President. I mean, for goodness sake, they had to replace him with Rudy for a while last year. What an embarrassment.

2. There's no way that two guys would ever fight over Chloe, so the whole idea that Milo and the British guy were at odds over her was completely ridiculous. Look, if she were really hot (which she's not), or really slutty (which she's not), then maybe we'd have the basis for fight... but she's ugly, has no personality, and she treats everybody like crap.

Here's an alternative story that would have worked much better: Milo and the British Guy were at odds because there was an upcoming CTU Christmas Party, and they knew that Chloe would be clinging to one of them at the party (Odds that Chloe is a terrible drunk: 99.997%). The British Guy would have called Milo a "wanker," and then Milo would have mumbled something about Microsoft Excel or how he has more hit points than any other elf in his tribe on Warcraft.

3. Finally, where is that hot Audrey chick from last year? I could see Milo and the British Guy fighting over her... although that would be an unbelievably plot line as well because neither of those clowns would ever have a shot at her.

Matt said...

What's the deal with with black market WMD? There always seems to be a piece missing. Buyer beware, I guess.

Colleen said...

*points up*

Who's this anonymous guy? he sayeth the truth.

Except they're not called "tribes" in warcraft, its "guilds" :p DUH. And no one cares about *hitpoints*, its all about DPS (damage per second).

pshaw.

E said...

I say thee meh!
yes, meh.. chloe o'brain is the sex,
she's also been in a beck video, a wheezer video mr show and, um.. dude wheres my car

meh to Anonymous, don't make me bauercize yer ass!