24: Bring Back the Cougar!

Okay, everyone. You can all relax now. The Great Morris/Milo Slapfight of '07 has been resolved. Turns out they were fighting over Chloe. What a gripping storyline that was! I can't think of any storyline that held my interest more – except, perhaps, for every other storyline that's ever been on this show, and that's including the one with the cougar. At least there was the possibility that Kim would get eaten by the cougar. No one ever releases a cougar into CTU. Shut up, Morris and Milo.

You remember Ahmed, the teen terrorist from yesterday? Well, he may be young, but he's possibly the most fearsome terrorist ever. In fact, he must be, because despite being outnumbered, severely injured, whacked out on painkillers, and the star of Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj, Ahmed still manages to cow the stupid neighbors into doing what he wants, which is: retrieving a piece of equipment and delivering it to Fayed. This little piece of hardware is for a suitcase nuke, which the nuclear scientist that Fayed broke out of prison (uh, by the way, he broke a nuclear scientist out of prison) is putting together. Yes, it's another season with nukes. At least, it's starting out with nukes – by the end of the season, it'll probably be sharks with laser beams on their heads or something.

Walid, meanwhile, keeps doing his good works, to assuage the producers' guilt over all the negative portrayals of Muslims they've shown over the years. I mean, I assume that's what he's doing. Even though the government has shunted him into a detention camp, he manages to remain a fighter for justice, standing up for the other guys, and a loyal American, eavesdropping on the conversations of terrorists around him. He even manages to pass one of the terrorists' phrases on to the authorities, perfectly, despite speaking no Arabic. But why doesn't he speak Arabic? Are we supposed to trust him more if he doesn't speak it, because Arabic is the language of the terrorists? I find it suspicious that he doesn't speak Arabic, because what, then, is the accent for? Decoration?

And in the Jack Plot: Assad and Jack continue their buddy cop hijinks, managing, through an ingenious piece of street theater, to wangle their suspect into the car with Assad so they can follow him. Everything is all sunshine, puppies, and roses with Jack and his new best friend until Curtis shows up with a beef. Apparently Assad killed Curtis' men way back when he was a baddie, so now Curtis is going to kill Assad. Jack, faced with the choice between them, kills Curtis. Yes, kills him dead. I know! To his credit, this is one of the few deaths he's caused that he's actually pretty upset about. But before he can get too broken up about it, the nuclear bomb goes off! And there's the promise of four more! Oh, the tension! Just wait until they release the sharks!

Bonus Kiefer Footage! Check out these three spots for CalorieMate, a Japanese energy bar. The company not only hired Kiefer to sell their product, but also brought along makeup, set, and costume artists to make the spots seem like real episodes of 24. Real episodes of 24 in which Jack has an inexplicable Japanese sidekick with an obsession for CalorieMate bars, that is. Although I kind of like the sidekick. Can he be a regular?