Desperate Housewives: All Bree Wanted for Christmas was a Bag of Teeth

This week's Desperate Housewives was action-packed! We've got Mike, who has met Paul in prison and realized that he is Up To No Good. The tip-off: Paul paid some dudes to beat Mike up just so Paul could jump in and save him. Sounds like somebody wants to be Mike's knight in shining armor...and reap the benefits, if you know what I mean.

Lynette, in the meantime, has taken to flashing old men in order to save her husband's business. The restaurant looks totally cute, though, so I guess it's for a worthy cause. Unlike Lynette, Gabrielle's felony of choice isn't exhibitionism, but the much more predictable pedophilia. Once a cradle-robber, always a cradle-robber. And this time, her boyfriend (/stalker) isn't even hot--it's a creepily bewigged and newly rich Zach! Yeah, ew.

Susan's plot was pretty boring in comparison: Julie wants her some birth control pills, and she's willing to go to Edie to get them. Unfortunately, she totally gets busted by Susan. Double-unfortunately, so does Austin as he's boning Little Miss Van de Tramp. Oops.

Bree spends the episode trying to get Alma to move out (no luck there, since Alma has an evil blackmail plan to get Orson back and make Bree doubt him), and then clutching a bunch of gross, bloody teeth. For real. She found them under a floorboard in Alma's new house, and instead of calling the police, chose to hold them contemplatively in her BARE HANDS. I think Paranoid Scheming Bree may have killed OCD Cleanfreak Bree once and for all, unfortunately. Just as Insane Manipulative Lynette must have killed Insane Manipulative Kayla, since she was nowhere to be seen this week.