The Apprentice: Trump Takes L.A.

Are you ready for the return of the greatest reality show of all time? Uh, no, not Project Runway. No, not The Amazing Race, either. No, not American Idol. Look, I'll just tell you what it is: The Apprentice. Why do I say it's the greatest reality show of all time? Well, as Martha and Rosie know, and as Ivanka said on Today Thursday morning, if you say anything negative about Trump, ever, he will come after you with both barrels loaded. With that in mind, I say: Long live Trump the Magnificent!

Trump's greatest creation in a career full of great creations (like refreshing Trump Ice!) is back for its sixth season, with more crazed-up sycophants, another Trump, and a new setting: Los Angeles. Because if Trump is California dreamin' on this winter's day, all the rest of you should be, too. And Trump, in his wisdom and his good hair, has instituted even more changes to completely redesign the show, so it is entirely unrecognizable from that show that started to suck as soon as Martha Stewart got her hands on it. This show is completely different! It's like New Coke! Now, the winning project manager gets to stay project manager and gets to assist in the boardroom. The losing team has to sleep in tents on the lawn like the losers they are. Losers! You have failed Trump! You don't deserve lavish, gold-plated furnishings, much less plumbing or electricity! On the plus side, however, the lack of light does give Mark Burnett an excuse to break out his much-beloved night-vision cameras. Which are completely as great as he thinks they are. Everything is better in night-vision!

With Carolyn summarily dismissed, George enjoying a well-deserved break, and one of the boardroom chairs being filled by the winning project manager, the role of Trump's lieutenant falls to Ivanka. Who is pretty cool, but she hasn't yet reached her dad's superlative, incomparable level of awesome. I mean, calling Rosie's behavior "uncalled for"? How can she hope to destroy her enemies with such wussy language? However, she does fill the void left by Carolyn of icy Connecticut disdain of the candidates (particularly Martin), so she's an okay addition to the show. I mean, she'll do fine until she learns to call people fat losers and to threaten to send virile man friends to steal away lesbians' girlfriends. Not until then will she truly be a Trump.

The candidates' task is to run a car wash (c'mon and sing it with me!), and three candidates distinguish themselves: competent winning PM Heidi, who uses man candy and free lunch to get people inside; loud but incompetent losing PM Frank, whose tiny signs earn Ivanka's big scorn; and Martin, he of the loud shirts and constant aphorisms, who even Trump calls a pompous ass. Uh, I mean, who Trump insightfully pegs as a pompous ass.

In the boardroom, Heidi has a clever plan to keep the weakest link on the opposing team, but she's not clever enough for Trump, who has seen through that strategy, as staggeringly clever and original as it is. It's like he's a mind reader! Unsurprisingly, it comes down to a shouting match between Martin and Frank (Tim, the third person brought to the boardroom, having scrammed like a good doobie when Trump told him to), and here's where I thought Frank would get it. For one thing, Trump practically tells him to shut up as soon as he meets him; for another, he's project manager; and finally, Martin is one of those irritating personalities who manages to hang on just to create drama. But, due in large part, as I believe, to Ivanka's dismissive hatred of Martin, it is he who gets the ax. Interesting plan, Mr. Trump, getting rid of the most divisive personality first. Is that Mark Burnett I hear weeping softly?