ANTM: High School Hijinks

Last episode on America’s Next Top Model, my favorite dummy, Kathleen, was eliminated. Aww. We join the girls as Samantha writes in a notebook, something she says she does whenever she’s stressed. Does anyone else have visions of Harriet the Spy, when the other kids read what Harriet’s been writing about them? Samantha had better watch her back.

Tyra Mail! “Babies learn how to do it…can you?” Runway walk day! The girls go to a high school, where they are welcomed by a marching band led by Miss Jay. The band is there to teach them about precision, or wearing absurd outfits in public, or whatever models do. The girls practice their walks in front of Miss Jay. Renee calls Jaslene “Little Miss Cha Cha” in an interview, which is…kind of racist, right? You suck double, Renee. Jaslene, though, does have a very high opinion of her walking skills. They practice choreographing walks with more than one girl on the runway at a time. Wow, would I suck at this. And so do many of the girls.

They all head to the gym, where they are met by a fashion show producer who tells them about their challenge: To compete in a prom-themed fashion show at the high school. In front of high-schoolers. HA! They will be wearing contemporary, 80’s, and “ghetto fabulous” looks, and will walk in groups of three (with choreographed crossings and stuff). The show is about what you’d expect, but with less tripping and falling than you’d hope for.

Natasha doesn’t pay attention to what the other two girls are doing, and Diana keeps looking down. Sarah does a good job at first, but then completely exposes herself in front of hundreds of high-schoolers (and their parents). Oops. There’s a good amount of bumping into each other, too. Jaslene isn’t as good as she thinks the is…in fact, she was the worst, according to the producer. Snap! Brittany wins, and gets a totally ridiculous trophy. Um…score? So far this cycle, the challenge-winners have won the opportunity to give away almost $300, and a giant ugly trophy. That’s pretty impressively worse than past cycles’ prizes (clothes, jewelry, spa treatments…).

Felecia chats with Whitney a bit about how Jaslene got knocked down a peg, and Jaslene overhears them and gets all dramatic. Whatever, Jaslene. Go call home and cry about it. Oh, wait, she totally is. Moving on, CariDee’s life as a Covergirl is…boring. Something about a “Heatherette” show. I’d Google it, but I don’t even care.

The girls head back to the high school for their photo shoot, where they’ll be portraying high school clichés. Renee is the class clown, and is mighty “piffed” at the assignment. Is that like pissed/miffed? Totally awesome, unlike Renee’s bad attitude…and her ridiculous outfit. Like, magenta boob cups ridiculous. I feel like they’re staring at me! She does a terrible job. The judges think her best photo is good, but not great. I think it makes her face look ugly.

Whitney is the mean girl, and does fine, but could’ve done more. The judges don’t think she showed enough range. Jael is the bookworm, and rocks the cool nerd look. Nicely done, although I’d submit that her outfit isn’t really nerdy so much as indie-fabulous. The judges really like her photo.

Felicia is playing the jock. She rocks it, and the judges agree. Cassandra is a rather dull cheerleader. The judges think she didn’t take it far enough. I totally would’ve stuffed a jacket down my outfit and been the pregnant cheerleader. Oh, wait, her outfit is completely unbuttoned, so it’s actually too slutty to pretend to be pregnant. Wrap your mind around that.
Jaslene does a great job playing the school weirdo. Renee tearfully interviews that she could’ve rocked an easy look like “weirdo.” Whatever, Renee. The photo is fierce, but Jaslene takes away from it by crying to the judges and talking about how mean the other girls are to her. God, Jaslene—for someone who’s tried out for this show multiple times, you sure haven’t watched it much, have you? Crying in front of the judges is never a good move in the long run.

Diana plays the student body president. She’s pretty average (possibly weighed down by a terrible beret), but manages to turn out a good photo that the judges like. Brittany does a good job as the valedictorian, and the judges agree. But can we take a minute to discuss how incredibly absurd her outfit is? Giant, shiny, puffy red shirt complete with huge bow at neck? Check. Stripy green bubble skirt? Check. Opaque tights with shoes imported from Victorian England? Check. Way to model through the crappy outfit, Brittany. That’ll teach Renee to be a whiner.

Dionne plays the bad girl, and only does okay. The judges really like her photo, though. Natasha is the teacher’s pet. She doesn’t understand the assignment. Or how to model. She blames it on poor English, but I think it’s mostly big hair and lack of talent weighing her down. Her photo isn’t too good, and Orange Jay calls her the “worst in Top Model history to direct.” Eat that, Natasha. (Just kidding, of course. There's obviously no eating allowed on the Top Model set.)

Sarah plays the class flirt, and over-thinks things a bit. The judges think it’s a good shot, but a little too sexy. Samantha is a girl with a bad reputation (as opposed to a “mean girl,” “bad girl,” or “class flirt”), and isn’t totally feeling the slut vibe. Renee, again, tearfully says that she could’ve done better. You suck, Renee. The judges find Samantha’s photo lacking in trampiness.

In the judging room, the judges deliberate alone. They love Brittany, Jaslene, and Felicia. Not so much Natasha and Samantha. Jaslene, Felicia, Diana, Renee, Brittany, Cassandra, Dionne, Jael, Whitney, and Sarah are in. According to Tyra, Samantha seems too young and lacks personality, and Natasha can’t take a good photo. Natasha gets to stay, goddammit. Because she has beauty on the inside, or some shit, even though Samantha takes better photos.

Tonight: Makeover makeover, makeover makeover, makeover makeover, MAKEOVER!!! (For you and meeee…)