Grease - YTOTIW: Shut up, America.

Last week on Grease: You're the One that I Want, Chad and his barely-above-average voice (but well-above-average cuteness) got the boot. This week, we'll hear the final competitive performances, and the field will be pared down to the final two. To kick off the night, we get a group sing of "Rock and Roll is Here to Stay," which is largely notable for the fact that 75% of the singing (all but the solo lines) is pre-recorded. Possibly not even by the contestants. Um, guys, if you can't sing and dance at the same time now, how are you supposed to do it in a few months on Broadway?

The panel is powerless tonight (until, I assume, America chooses wrong and they write a rule saying that the panel can resurrect a past contestant and pick him/her as the winner). The bottom two are Allie (duh) and Derek (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!). You SUCK HARDCORE, America. What the hell?! This is all kinds of lame (and Kathleen Marshall completely agrees, telling Derek that she’s sure they’ll work together on shows in the future). Austin is totally creepy, and Max is totally not Danny. Derek, if you want a shoulder to cry on (and then maybe someone to make out with), drop me a line. Here’s hoping they have that new rule written for next week.

Okay, moving on, we finally get some Grease songs. The girls take turns singing verses of “Hopelessly Devoted to You,” allowing us to compare them on the same song. Good call, show. And HA! They have these photos of “Danny” on the little desks they’re singing from, and they’re framed headshots of Max and Austin. Laura and Ashley are both really good, to be honest. I’d give the edge to Laura for emoting more, but they’re really both great.

Aww…Laura was supposed to get married next weekend (it’s postponed), and her fiancé sent in a really sweet video showing her the wedding plans he took care of since she was away. Ashley’s older sister sent in a way less touching, and in fact rather bitter and jealous video. And…apparently she’s here in person, since fans bought her a plane ticket out to LA. Wow, that's actually pretty impressive, Grease fans. But, um, what was the point of the video, then?

The guys are both singing “Sandy.” All I can think of is how much I’d rather see Derek singing it. They both have great voices, but if I were a producer, there’s no way I would put a multi-million dollar production on either of their shoulders. They just don’t have that Danny charisma/hotness. Austin chooses to emphasize how old he is in his interview (“Could be my last chance,” etc.), which I find to be a questionable tactic. Max tearfully talks about how he had bells palsy when he was younger, and I feel like an asshole for saying he’s not hot, or whatever. I guess he’s the de facto new favorite, since I still find Austin creepy. Also, apparently, there was only a 1% margin between the two guys last week. Interesting. I’m guessing Laura was way ahead of the other two girls.

And now…a “Duets Duel.” Austin and Ashley, and then Max and Laura sing “Endless Love,” because if there’s anything this show loves, it’s a cliché. And both pairs kiss! It’s not exactly hot. I’m not sure if I’m just hearing things, but I feel like both girls may have been a teensy bit pitchy at times. Laura’s body language with Max was more believable as a lover, and Austin was more believable as a leading man. And what’s the deal with the judges? Are they just here as set dressing? No opinionating? They’re really letting America loose without any hinting or prompting? Okay…it’s your show, not mine, guys.

Oh god, the second duet they’re singing is even barfier! It’s “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life,” and they’ve switched couples. Really, these couples are all so solid with their singing that it comes down to chemistry and stage presence. I have to give the edge to Laura (obvs.) and Austin (much as he still seems creepy to me, at least he’s holding my attention). Ashley lacks the presence, and Max just isn’t quite there yet.

Here we finally go, judge-wise. There's not really any criticism, but Kathleen picks Max and Laura as the most believable greaser/high school sweetheart. Jim picks Max and Laura as well. Aaaand...Ian picks Max and Laura as well. Max must be a really good actor, is all I can assume. Derek’s sing-out makes me hate America all the more. His soulful eyes see deep into my heart! Goddamit, America.

I have to say, based on Google referral stats alone, I predict that the judges will get their way and Max and Laura will win. (Pretty much no one has showed up here searching for "Ashley," tons have searched for "Laura" and "Max," and most of the "Austin" searchers combine his name with search terms like "gay" and "sucks.") See you next week with a recap of the finale!