ANTM: New cycle, new crop of skinny bitches...

After some hard work in front of the television this weekend, I am finally caught up on all the TV I’ve been missing! So, without further ado, Part One of the America’s Next Top Model season premiere:

The 33 semi-finalists arrive at some sort of army base (have recruitment standards really dropped that much?), and Miss Jay and Orange Jay arrive on the back of an army truck. The army is really taking “don’t ask, don’t tell” to a whole new level here. Oh, wait…it’s Top Model Boot Camp, where the Jays will get the girls into shape to meet Tyra. Let me just stop here and say that some of these girls are Not Hot. Russian chick with ginormous hair, I’m looking at you.

The contestants have a quick posing competition, and have their measurements taken (no more weigh-ins in the post-Janice era). Looks like we’ve got a couple plus-size gals…interesting. The girls have to march around in hysterical combat boots with high heels, and I remember why I love this completely absurd show so much.

And here comes Tyra, doing the craziest damn march you’ve ever seen, making weird grunting noises and being totally spastic. I…don’t understand what’s going on, but I really love Tyra right now, for some reason. Tyra tells the shrieking girls that she wants them to “be all you can be, not bitch all you can bitch.” Does she mean bitch as in complain, or as in be mean? Actually, it doesn’t matter. They’re both impossible to avoid on this show.

And now it’s time for the casting room! Notably weird are hairdresser Kathleen, who FLIPS THE HELL OUT when she meets Tyra; Cassandra, who was clearly dressed by a drunken monkey and has a wig sewn onto her head; obnoxious know-it-all and mail order bride Natasha (the aforementioned Russian chick with huge hair); heavily-tattooed Micheline, who somehow got lost on her way to the America’s Next Top Suicide Girl competition; Jessica, who gets into some sort of ghetto talk fight with Tyra; and Jael, who is not even unconventionally hot and who turns into a complete crybaby in Tyra’s presence. Also, we have seen some amazing weaves today, you guys. Amazing weaves.

Notably good are Sarah, who seems like a giant show-off but looks like a model; Brittany, who seems pretty cool and has super-cute hair; and Whitney and Diana, the plus-size contestants who both have great attitudes about changing the industry along with gorgeous bodies.

CariDee’s first My Life as a Covergirl is disappointingly voice-over-y. Boo.

Time for first cuts! The 20 girls chosen to stay will attend a Mark Ecko fashion show party thing, and have their pictures taken. Kathleen, Sarah, Brittany, Natasha, Cassandra, Diana, Whitney, Jael, and a bunch of other random chicks are in. Micheline and Jessica, not so much.

Post-party, Tyra and the Jays check out the pictures taken. Kathleen’s party picture is fantastic, as is Sarah’s. Also, the Best Conversation Ever occurs when Tyra compares one girl’s picture to an early Janice Dickinson magazine cover, and they discuss how many covers Janice has had:

Orange Jay: I mean, she has 85 o them.
Tyra: 127.
Miss Jay: It’s 132.
Tyra: It was a million.
HA!

The next cut will take us from 20 semifinalists to 13 finalists. Natasha is in, goddammit. So are Kathleen, Sarah, Cassandra, Renee (good-looking, but self-proclaimed bitch), Samantha (small-town girl with Brooke Shields eyebrows), Dionne (…talkative), Whitney, Brittany, Felicia (mini-Tyra), Jael (already annoying), Jaslene (who didn’t make the cut last year), and Diana. Yay, first ever cycle with two plus-size girls! Good on you, Tyra. Good on you.

That’s all for today…tune in tomorrow for part two of the premiere!