ANTM: Sour, then Sweet

Last week on America’s Next Top Model, Samantha got the boot for being boring, and Natasha got saved by her horrible personality. Justice, thy name is not Tyra. Back at the mansion, new buddies Diana and Whitney discuss plus-size model-dom, and Cassandra joins the list of girls who think they can compete AND be nice to people. What is with this group?! At this rate, Renee will have to make up for a LOT of missing bitchiness in the other girls. Oh, and Jael continues to be quirky and scantily-dressed.

Tyra Mail (!) informs them that they’ll be getting makeovers tomorrow. Brittany seals her painful fate by saying, “they can do whatever they want, and I won’t be upset.” The next day, they arrive at a salon and are met by a pajama- and curler-wearing Tyra, who preemptively mocks the whiny girls (or postemptively mocks past contestants).

Jael gets assigned long, brown hair. It’s apparently painful as hell to get the weave put in, and Jael is worried she’ll become normal-looking (I can sympathize with that, as another person who hates to blend in with the crowd). Then, DISASTER. Orange Jay and Tyra decide via conference call that the weave isn’t working. After eight hours of painful weave installation, the whole thing gets taken out. Jael ends up with a really short brown cut that puts a lot of pressure on her not-that-hot (and rather mannishly-built) face, and not-that-clear skin. But, despite the pain, she seems determined to rock it.

Cassandra has her sewn-on wig removed, and gets a long, curly afro weave. It looks really fake and high-maintenance. Renee gets a haircut that, no matter how long I look at it, I cannot puzzle out. It’s short on one side, but long on the other; and short on the top, but long in the back and front. Like some kind of weird, sideways and upside-down mullet. I think they crossed the “edgy” line and landed at “Flock of Seagulls.”

Whitney gets her weave replaced with a bigger weave. It looks like…more hair, mostly. Diana goes blonder and longer, and ends up looking pretty much the same to me. (Unfortunately, it turns out to be one of those evil, mind-control, bitch-creating weaves. (Spoiler alert!)) Felicia gets fivehead-covering bangs and long, black hair, I assume in an attempt to make her look less Tyra Banks: The Younger, Slimmer Years. It ends up looking pretty weird to me, but maybe I’ll get used to it.

Dionne gets short hair, and handles the chop like a pro. She looks great! Sarah stays short, but goes light brown. I liked her hair before, so I’ll say she still looks great. Not a drastic improvement, but maybe it’ll help her photos pop more or something. Jaslene’s hair gets more body woven in, and she ends up looking like an anorexic porn star.

Brittany gets big, wavy red hair. It looks like a really painful process. And I have to say, I loved her haircut before (it isn’t really shown off in the “before” picture, but trust me, it was super-cute). The new hair just looks excessive. Natasha gets shoulder-length brown hair, and it ends up looking really fake and weird. Like, Cher’s hair fake and weird. And Natasha, you are nowhere near cool enough to pull it off, unlike Cher.

Brittany’s new hair hurts and itches, and she’s apparently a crier. Yeesh. Diana and Whitney are fairly unsympathetic, with Whitney being unsympathetic to her face. Brittany soon loses her status as Top Crier to poor Jael, who finds out that a close friend of hers overdosed and died. Shit, that’s rough. Modeling stops for no one, though, and the girls head out to a big garden. Brittany is feeling sick (graft-versus-host?), but Jael and Sarah convince her to soldier on, despite Renee’s not-so-subtle (and totally sabatoge-tastic) suggestion to skip the challenge and go sleep it off.

The girls are met by a Covergirl makeup artist and Seventeen Magazine’s entertainment director. The winner of this challenge will get a spread in Seventeen, a prize which is totally equal to last week’s giant ugly trophy and the week before’s giant check to Goodwill. Sucks to be Brittany and Jael right now. And not just because of the barfing and the dead friend. They all get spring dresses (Whitney and Diana have trouble finding ones that fit), and have ten minutes to “create a clean, colorful look using Covergirl’s spring color collection.” Ready? GO!

They run all over the gardens, and Brittany pukes a little. Gross, but way to play through the pain, Brit. Cassandra, unfortunately doesn’t make it back in time. Natasha put on so much makeup that she looks like a clown. Brittany wins, I’d imagine at least partly due to her makeup-ready skin tone. She picks Jael and Sarah to share, since they convinced her to do the challenge even though she was sick. Renee pulls out that tired “she’s not that good anyway, and she may have won this little battle, but I’ll win the war” crap while the three winners model hair accessories for the Seventeen shoot.

Tyra Mail! “Sundae is not just a day of rest.” Dear god, are they going to let the models eat ice cream? This is madness. Meanwhile, Renee bitches to Diana about Brittany, calling her fake. Diana agrees that Brittany is not to be trusted. Brittany calls Renee out for talking about her behind her back, and handles it in a pretty classy way, saying, “The walls in a house full of women are paper thin…that’s all I’m gonna say.” Renee answers that she’s been nothing but nice and genuine to Brittany, and interviews all bitter about being called out for her bitchiness. She actually calls Brittany “pious” for being pissed off. Plus, she flips Brittany off! To her face! I’m getting shades of an only slightly smarter, only slightly bitchier Jade, here.

In CariDee’s Life as a Covergirl…eh, it’s all boring, no one cares, I’m not even gonna bother writing about it anymore. Back at the mansion, Jael cries in the pool, and Brittany and Sarah try and comfort her. Renee and Diana sit further back, watching them and talking about how much they hate Brittany. Diana actually says, “I can’t stand the bitch, either.” Uncool, Diana. That weave must be strangling the formerly likeable part of your brain. Renee says that Jael needs to “go through what she needs to go through,” and “doesn’t need a bunch of fake bitches running around her trying to be her friend.” Wow. Was this woman neglected horribly as a child, or something? ‘Cause damn, that’s cold.

Speaking of cold, the girls head (in their gas guzzler) to a studio decked out with dessert-themed decorations for a nude shoot in which the girls will be decorated as candy. Because, you see, Orange Jay and Tyra both love ice cream. [Insert Tyra Banks fat joke here.] Brittany’s not psyched about the nude thing, but she’ll “deal.” She interviews that her parents will be pissed, and tells the others that she doesn’t want to do it. Dionne wisely interviews that Brittany should stop pouting around like a little kid and get over it. Word, Dionne. Word.

This may be the weirdest Top Model shoot yet! Cassandra, portraying jelly beans, has crap painted on her, is holding a handful of ice cream, and is essentially straddling a giant ice cream sundae. Naked. WHAT THE HELL?!?! Orange Jay says that Cassandra needs to practice her expressions in the mirror, and the judges think her pose is somewhat unfortunate. Brittany, meanwhile, says her hands won’t “react well” to the ice cream. Jesus Christ. Now I just hate everyone.

Sarah does a great job as hard candy. Her photo turns out great, despite the Cats-like makeup. The judges love her fierce eyes. Dionne is a candy cane, and actually thinks she’s more comfortable posing nude. Orange Jay and I have the same “O…kaaay…” reaction. Her photo is really good, and the judges say she’s one of the few who made the concept fun. Brittany gets the “wah wah” goofy music as she whines that she’s freezing. However, despite the whining, she totally rocks the banana split look. When the judges compliment her hair, she tells them that it hurts, and hilariously, they ignore her and move onto the photo when she starts wiping away tears. Awesome. They love the photo, though.

Diana is gummy bears, and Jay thinks she also needs mirror time, telling her to suck in the fat. She interviews that she’s not that comfortable with nudity, and isn’t the same shape as Jaslene. Thank god! Nigel likes her face, but not the long shot. Neeko doesn’t think she’s comfortable with herself—would he say that to a skinny model? Tyra asks why Diana’s so “introverted,” and Diana quietly says, “I don’t know.” Looks like we’ve got a no personality gal here! And god knows that on Top Model, if you’re plus-size AND don’t have a huge personality, you’re shit out of luck.

Renee, unfortunately, rocks the candy necklace look. The judges think her eyes lack in fierceness, though, so HA. Whitney is a “chocolate kiss” (I guess Hershey’s wasn’t willing to shell out for a product placement in the nude), and her shot turns out a bit stiff, according to me and the judges.

Jael is birthday cake, and I seriously can’t even evaluate this crap. It’s just too hilarious. I mean, chick is covered in frosting wearing an ice cream cone hat, naked, with insane amounts of colored makeup, essentially humping a giant ice cream sundae. COME ON! The judges think the photo is great, and her expression is “commanding,” but I just can’t stop laughing. And then Jael dedicates her photo to her dead friend, and I feel like a bitch for laughing. Felicia is a lollipop, and keeps giving the same expression. Ruh-roh. The judges end loving her photo, but holy crap, you guys, the lollipop they drew in her crotch is SO a replacement penis. WHAT IS THIS SHIT?!

Jaslene is dulce de leche, and is SO SKINNY. Yuck. Her photo is great, but the torso is painfully, disgustingly skeletal. UGH. The judges dink her for not looking like a model in person (word), but say the camera loves her. Tyra tries to teach Jaslene the fine art of turning off and on one’s ethnicity, but it looks like she’ll be getting the no personality edit anyway. Natasha does a fair job as gumballs. Sarah, watching her, says, “She looks like Kate Moss!” Renee shoots back, “No, she doesn’t…do you know who Kate Moss is?” And Sarah gives her this amazingly incredulous look that’s just magic. You’re back on the nice list, Sarah. Although I have to say…Natasha and Kate Moss? Not dead ringers. The judges like Natasha’s picture, but not her film. Apparently, she’s over-thinking things.

Before judging, Whitney prayed with Jael to have her pain taken away. Aww. And during judging, Jael cries and tells the judges about her friend. They’re very understanding, but not so understanding to the girls who pulled their hair back and hid their makeovers. Which is pretty funny, considering that in past seasons they always said that girls should pull their hair back during judging so that they look like models. Way to punish them for doing their homework, Tyra. During solo deliberation, the judges give props to Jael, Dionne, Sarah, and Brittany. They don’t love Whitney (pretty girl, but not a model) and Cassandra.

Brittany, Jael, Sarah, Dionne, Felicia, Renee, Whitney, Natasha, and Jaslene are in. Diana and Cassandra are in the bottom. Tyra thinks Diana isn’t standing out enough, and Cassandra (while a beautiful, kind, strength-giving person) isn’t taking good photos. Diana’s still in, and Cassandra’s gone, because Tyra is newly sympathetic to curvy girls these days.

Next week on America’s Next Top Model: Unitards and lasers. ‘Nuff said.