America's Next Top Model: Playing Catch-Up

Right...so I've fallen a little behind on Top Model. When last we met, Cassandra had been eliminated for having a giant nose bad pictures, and Renee was a bitch. Last night, I hosted a mini-Top Model marathon, if by "hosted a mini-Top Model marathon," you mean, "watched four episodes of Top Model by myself while eating leftover Easter chocolate." The point being, I'm all caught up now!

What did I miss? Let's see...Renee has yo-yo'd between being a bitch and not, Jael has yo-yo'd between being crazy and being insane, Natasha has stepped up as a contender, and the girls got ridiculous new nicknames. Felicia got booted for lazy modeling, Sarah got booted because karma bit her on the ass (and also she poses too much), and Diana got booted because she kind of sucks at modeling, and doesn't have a sassy enough personality to make up for it. Because, you know, if you're bigger than a size zero, you'd damn well better have sass.

Last night, the girls got to act in a challenge opposite Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite. Renee manages to be the most melodramatic, and wins (along with Dionne, whom Renee picks after an uncomfortable moment of realizing she has no actual friends to choose) a visit from her family. Her baby is kind of ugly, but in an awkward-looking way, so he obviously has Top Model potential.

The photo shoot, in what can at best be labeled as a loose concept, has the girls teaming up with former ANTM contestants to portray past scandals from the show. Or moments of interest. Or...um...people. In each scenario, this season's contestant will play the part of the past contestant. Except when they don't. Get it?

Brittany pairs up with Michelle and Amanda from last cycle to portray triplets (OOH, the scandal!). The judges, as always, love her to death. Dionne gets to confront her vague homophobia (homo-slightlyuncomfortable-ia?) by recreating the limo makeout scene with Kim, from a few cycles ago. She gets pretty into it, and the guest photographer loves her for it. Or is turned on by it. Or something. Jael recreates Rebecca's fainting episode from way back when, and has a hard time getting through it without looking like she's trying to jump Rebecca's bones. Jaslene acts out the Great Granola Bar Scandal of '05 with Bree, and continues on her path to drag queen-dom.

Natasha teams up with a surprisingly feminine Michelle to portray her bout with flesh-eating bacteria. She makes it work. Renee gets to act out the fabulous "I've been at the dentist's office for eight hours" clip with Joanie, whom I miss very, very much, and who totally outshines Renee. Take that, supposedly reformed bitch. Whitney tries to keep her dignity in a towel as Shannon from the first cycle convinces her to hate her evil body and refuse to pose nude.

Jael pulls the classic "making excuses during judging" screw-up, which lands her in the bottom two along with Whitney, who pulls the classic "trying to be a normal-sized woman on ANTM" screw-up. Alas for Whitney and normal-sized women everywhere, Jael comes out on top and Whitney and her bad photos are sent packing. How hard can it be to find a curvaceous woman who can take a good photo, Tyra? I'm beginning to think that this show is some sort of covert campaign by the fashion industry (and the laxative industry?) to convince America that women larger than a toothpick can't model well by choosing the least photogenic (yet still credibly pretty) plus-size contestants they can find.

Oh, and incidentally? Tyra is slowly morphing into some sort of pirate prostitute right before our very eyes. Outfit by outfit, accessory by accessory. For reals.