Scrubs: I caresies!

Finally, FINALLY, Scrubs is back! For the last season, yes, but hey, at least we're getting a real last season. I mean, dang, I'm actually feeling nostalgic toward Elliot, and I've never really even liked her!

Previously on Scrubs, Elliot and JD almost kissed. Yes, almost, thank goodness. However, Elliot then decides that she doesn’t want to marry Keith, which she confesses to the Turks that night. This interrupts Turk's choosing his biannual (because of the diabetes) candy bar. Now, as someone who is vegan and thus can’t have commercially available candy bars (and thus spends an unhealthy amount of time obsessing over them), I can say unequivocally that I’d go with a Twix. You get the crunch, you get the caramel, and you get TWO candy bars in one! Yes, it’s missing the nougat, but I think the double bar thing puts it over the edge. Just sayin’.

Faced with the task of breaking up with the Dudemeister, Elliot is panicking a bit. Yeah, you really don’t want to wait until the guy’s family is in town. And staying with you. That’s just rough. She bites the bullet, though, as everyone watches from the hospital windows. And now, it’s time to sing along to the theme song for the last time ever! Well, the last time ever in a season premiere, at least. I’ve really gotten great at harmonizing on the “I’m no superman” line at the end, too. Aww.

Though Keith is understandably bitter at Elliot Pig Whore, and Kim has turned into some sort of whale, life at Sacred Heart continues as usual. Oh, Dr. Cox, how I’ve missed your cutting insults! And how I appreciate the shorter hair this season! And hey, the writers even throw in some stuff for the loyal fans during Turk and JD’s “hard truth” conversation—“Molebutt” is totally Elliot!

Dr. Cox finds himself liking one of his patients, along with Turk and eventually Dr. Kelso— horror of horrors! Apparently, Joe has a “magical quality.” One not recognized by his insurance company, who won’t pay to have him stay if his symptoms have subsided and they can’t figure out what’s wrong. I wonder if it’s painful for insurance workers to watch medical shows. I feel like they get picked on every week! Probably for good reason, but still, it’s gotta sting, right? Incidentally, who the heck doesn’t look for a tick in someone’s hair? I mean, that’s kind of where they like to hang out, as anyone who’s ever been camping knows. Yep, I've dodged many a lyme disease bullet.

Predictably, Elliot and Keith hook up after she tries to be friends and he tries to be mean to her in return. And, ouch, he thinks they’re back together. Yeah, not so much, dude. Not so much. On the other bad relationship end, JD is resigned to staying with Kim forever and ever due to the kid, even though he doesn’t love her. Also ouch.

Other things I loved tonight:

• “Big news, sports fans!" [Everyone turns their attention to JD] "I’ve decided to call everyone ‘sports fans.’”
• The Who Caresies Awards. Go, Dame Judy Dorian! Also, Tony Shalhoub should suck on that, along with all the Emmy voters.
• The janitor has a girlfriend! Named Lady! True story: When my mom was pregnant with my little sister, my little brother came up with a list of possible names. Including “Lil’ Lady.”
• “Fun Size.” I sense a lot of potential there.

All in all, a solid effort, especially considering the amount of exposition they had to fit in. I can't wait for the rest of the season!