Glowy Box Mailbag: It's back, baby!

Welcome back to the Glowy Box Mailbag! For those who don’t remember its brief existence many months ago, the Mailbag is a chance for Glowy Box to give back to you, the readers who randomly stumbled here from Google.

You see, Sitemeter gives us the referral links that brought you to Glowy Box. For Google users, this means we get to see what search term you used that led you to us, creepily enough. And it seems some Google searchers choose to actually type full questions in, instead of just keywords or search terms, as if they’re posing the questions to the Internet at Large. Which I find highly amusing. The Mailbag is all about answering those questions, because I’m nothing if not helpful, and we live to serve here at Glowy Box.

Q: What is up with the Dylan thing on Desperate Housewives

A: What IS up with the Dylan thing?! At first it seemed really important, but now it’s on the sidelines compared to whatever the heck happened in Chicago (another popular question, incidentally). We don’t know much, aside from the vague “a bad thing happened in this room” and “Dylan has no memory” stuff. But that’s not really a good answer, so I’ll start a reckless rumor: Katherine and Aunt Lily sold the real Dylan into white slavery years ago, and the current “Dylan” is an android that Katherine commissioned to deflect suspicion when they moved back to Wisteria Lane. Hence, no memory. (Yeah, I just saw Blade Runner again…what of it?)

Q: who played the earless boy on grey’s anatomy

A: Great question! That kid was all kinds of adorable and charismatic. And it’s a good thing, since trick-or-treating for ears could be seriously weird otherwise. Ryan was played by 10-year-old Dylan Minnette, who has also had parts on Saving Grace and Prison Break.

Q: WHO IS BETTINAS FATHER THE PROFESSOR
Q: why would brad womack pick bettina after her parents treated him so badly

A: Ah, a pair of Bachelor questions. If Google is to be believed, there are a lot of you out there who are curious about Bettina’s dad. According to the Washington Post, Bettina’s father is an architect in DC’s ritzy Georgetown neighborhood. According to Google, he used to be an Assistant Professor at the University of Maryland School of Architecture. And according to me, he’s kind of a jerk. As to why Brad still picked Bettina, I’d say he wanted the relationship to end on his terms, not hers. She and her family essentially rejected him, and his ego just wouldn’t let it go down like that. If you ask me, he’s keeping her around for another week so that he can reject her.

That’s all for this week…keep on Googling!

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On the Glowy Box: Wednesdays are smurfing awesome

La la la-la-la-la la la-la la la! The Smurfs are coming to DVD, and I think it's about smurfing time!

Watched Last Night:
House: House-kus!
Mimicking disease
Seems more like he's a psychic
I'm not buying it

Chase and Cameron
Being squeezed into each plot
It's really awkward

Cuddy rocks hardcore
Her scenes with House are the best
Though Foreman's not bad

Boston Legal: Meredith's dead stepmom is on Boston Legal, and she's cuh-raizy! (But not legally.) She was the highlight of an otherwise kind of weak episode last night. In fact, the main case didn't even entirely make sense to me. Why did this guy have to register as a sex offender all of a sudden when his rape conviction was forever ago? Wouldn't he have already been registered? It didn't seem like the problem was town-specific, since he couldn't even find a job anywhere else. In fact, shouldn't it be a sealed juvenile record? Or was it unsealed when he took the stand in his own defense? Whatev--it was sad and all, but just seemed a bit of a stretch, and didn't really grab me.

Will Watch or DVR Tonight:
Pushing Daisies: Olive hires Ned and the team to investigate when jockeys turn up trampled to death, purportedly by the ghost of a long-dead rider (Hamish Linklater) and his spooky horse; the ghosts of Ned's past haunt him as Halloween nears. ABC, 8 PM.

America's Next Top Model: Is it clip show time already?. Never-before-seen footage includes Bianca's confrontations with Chantal and Ebony; Tyra talks to the women about body image; recapping the journey the remaining eight contestants have endured. The CW, 8 PM.

Private Practice: Charlotte asks Pete to treat her insomnia; Naomi has her first date since college; a patient wants Addison and Naomi to keep information about her fertility from her husband. ABC, 9 PM.

Dirty Sexy Money: A high-stakes poker game pits Simon Elder against Tripp; if Nick convinces Tripp to bet his most prized property, Elder will give Nick dirt on his father's death; Karen must finalize her divorce from irresistible Sebastian Fleet (Eddie Cibrian). ABC, 10 PM.

Life: Reese thinks she hears a fellow AA attendee confess to rape; Reese's persistence puts her face-to-face with a dangerous man; while on a stakeout, Crews learns that his former partner, Stark, lied to him about a bank robbery years earlier. NBC, 10 PM.

The Sarah Silverman Program: Sarah enters a serious romance with God. Comedy Central, 10:30 PM.

I've been looking forward to this episode of Pushing Daisies all week! Yay, Olive!

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Happy Halloween!

Here's the full version of Tracy's "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" song from 30 Rock (just the song, unfortunately--no video):


It's HILARIOUS. ("And I nearly dropped the Torah when my hands turned into paws." And that's BEFORE he goes way, way off-script. Or lyric. Or whatever.) Have a spooky, scary Halloween!

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Writers' Strike. Get worried.

I'm too nervous about it to write anything much about the looming Writers Guild strike (stay strong, Pushing Daisies, Chuck, and other favorite new shows!), but for those of you who are curious, AOL TV has a good little Q&A on it here, answering questions about which types of shows will be affected and when, among other things.

Man, this is gonna suck. The last strike (in '88) lasted more than five months, and that was before networks could fill the airwaves with the cheap, quick-to-produce reality crap that's so popular these days. Sigh. Just suck it up and give them their residuals, networks! Do you not realize what's at stake?!

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On the Glowy Box: John Cho!

What is John Cho NOT in these days? Okay, lots of things, but I still feel like betwen Ugly Betty, Harold and Kumar stuff, and now HIMYM, the dude's around a lot lately. Not that I'm complaining...he's totally hilarious, even if he doesn't seem to have too much variety.

Watched Last Night:
How I Met Your Mother: I kind of don't understand (or, more properly, sympathize with) Lily's credit card debt. I mean, why would you spend money that you don't have, and have no hope of earning, on stuff you don't need? I know, I know, it's called a shopping addiction for a reason, but damn! Aaanyway, it's pretty much a crime that Neil Patrick Harris and John Cho didn't have any scenes together. A crime! And why was that law firm working so hard to recruit Marshall, if he only got the interview as a favor? He clearly didn't want to work there, and doesn't really come across as a genius or an incredibly hard worker, "lawyering" skills aside. Moving on, I loooved the Ted Mosby: Porn Star/Lance Hardwood: Architect subplot. It totally made this episode for me, for reasons of hilarity I shouldn't have to explain. Not the A+ material of last week's episode, though, sadly.

Chuck: Okay, I'm still really enjoying Chuck, but we need to give the Chuck/Morgan duo a rest for a while. Mostly because Morgan isn't very funny, or charismatic, or contributing much at all to the show, really. He could be, but he isn't. Perhaps it's a casting issue, though the writing isn't really doing him any favors, either. Also, I wish we could move past the "Chuck mistrusts his handlers, then makes a huge mistake trusting someone else" plotlines. I liked it a lot when Chuck went rogue in last week's Chinatown episode, but that's partly because he wasn't just acting like a gullible dope--he was actually kind of right! Or at least, not so very, very wrong. I mean, that genius guy last night was pretty clearly crazy. I like the show a lot as it is, but I think it could be even better if it explored some new themes besides "Chuck is (sometimes rightfully) paranoid," and "Chuck is disappointing his family and friends." Which are both good, valid themes, but very overused at this point. (Side note, props for the Rick Hoffman casting as crazy guy's handler! I hope he'll be back!)

Samantha Who?: So...am I the only person in America who isn't head over heels for this show? I just don't think it's that funny! And I kind of dislike the main character. And also most of the other characters. And also it's not that funny. SW-lovers: What am I missing? What line cracked you up last night that went over my head? What character has you looking forward to next week? Have NBC's Thursday night and HIMYM (plus the dearly departed Arrested Development) ruined conventional sitcoms forever for me?

The Bachelor: Read my recap of last night's episode here. It was bananas. Though not really in a good way.

Will Watch or DVR Tonight:
(Descriptions from Zap2it.com's TV listings)

House: While treating a patient they think is a hypochondriac, Foreman and the six fellows seem to learn more about themselves than about the patient; Cameron and Chase gamble on which candidate House will cut next. Fox, 9 PM.

Reaper: When Sam goes to the DMV to return the escaped soul, he discovers the demons take Halloween off; the devil, depressed by Halloween, gives Sam an extra-hard assignment to make himself feel better. The CW, 9 PM.

Boston Legal: A woman (Mare Winningham) asks Alan's advice on how to kill the man who murdered her daughter; Katie and Jerry try to overturn Megan's Law; Lorraine tries to help Alan overcome the deep-rooted childhood fears causing him to speak gibberish around her. ABC, 10 PM.

Tuesdays are so easy!

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The Bachelor: Meet the parents

Tonight on The Bachelor, Brad's off to do home visits--including the Worst Visit Ever! Seriously, it's pretty bad. Also, the Most Awesome Grandma Ever! Seriously, she's pretty awesome.

First up: Wichita, Kansas, Jenni's hometown. Jenni brings Brad to her childhood dance theater, where she shows off her mad dancing skillz. Mostly, it's a lot of wiggling, giggling, and barefoot tap dancing. And what at first looks like some random spazzing around, but may actually be a choreographed routine from her day job as a Phoenix Suns dancer. Rather than revel in the fact that he could be dating a professional cheerleader, Brad wonders if Jenni will be willing to move to Austin for him when her career is in Phoenix, and if their relationship could survive long-distance. Dude. She's a cheerleader. Guys across America are slack-jawed in the face of your lameness right now. Or they would be, if any guys watched The Bachelor.

Jenni introduces Brad to her mother, father, sister, and Grandma Betty, the greatest old lady of all time. They sit down to lunch at her mom's salon, and Grandma Betty, hearing that Brad's in the bar business, wants to know if he's a drinker. He assures her that he's not, and that he's all about family and lots of babies. Grandma Betty: "That little lady ain't gonna be a walkin' baby factory." HA! Darn straight, Grandma. Darn straight. Brad starts to sweat a little as she shakes her finger at him and warns him to treat Jenni right. Sadly tearing Brad away from all the hilarity, Jenni's mom gives him a shampoo, and interrogates him about the bar business. Actually, she asks him the same thing I've been wondering all season: What kind of guy can't find a girl when he owns four bars? He parries admirably, if unconvincingly. Jenni confesses to her sister that she's falling in love with Brad. After ensuring that Brad has goals in life (um, he's already a millionaire), Jenni's father approves heartily. Overall, the visit seems to go really well.

Next, it's off to Walnut Creek, California to meet Sheena's family. Ah, Sheena. The X-factor. The underdog. The dark horse. The least unlikeable girl left, solely based on the fact that she's had the least screentime. Her parents arrive in their boat, and the four of them spend the day on the water. It looks like a lot of fun, although Sheena's mom is totally a better dating show contestant than Sheena. But mostly in that she comes off as crazily entertaining. She's into astrology, and gets a bit too excited about the fact that Brad and Sheena's dad are a lot alike, and also both Scorpios. Then, she goes off on a tangent about how once she was sitting in a jacuzzi under the big dipper, realizing that Sheena was "the one." Now, she's not clear whether Sheena is HIS one, or someone else's, but she knows that Sheena's "the one."

Then she moves on to how she couldn't take her eyes off of Brad and Sheena's eyes, and how the stars are aligning, and Brad starts to look like a trapped animal. When she starts to hammer the fact that Sheena is ready to commit, and be "one man's everything," Brad looks like he's leaving his body a little as he tries to agree with Sheena's mom. Man, Sheena is gonna KILL her mom when she sees this! In fact, she's halfway there when she walks in and her mom starts planning the wedding, right in front of Brad and Sheena! Dude, is she two sheets to the wind or something? Or is she really this lacking in common sense? And OUCH. In the jacuzzi later, Brad tells Sheena that meeting her mom was a great way to see how Sheena got to be who she is. Now that was just plain uncalled for!

And now we're off to Canton, Georgia, DeAnna's hometown. Brad meets her father, brother, sister, and stepmother, who totally knock it out of the park for DeAnna. Her father tells Brad that he can tell DeAnna really has feelings for him, talks about how great she is, and pitches him a softball question about marriage. DeAnna busts out a photo album with pictures of her dead mother (sad, and well-played), and she and her sister chat about how crushed DeAnna will be if Brad doesn't pick her. Well, DeAnna, I'd say you've got a pretty good shot. DeAnna's entire extended family shows up for a big fat Greek party, and it's totally awesome. Opa!s all around.

Finally, Brad heads to Washington, DC (woot!), where he will meet Bettina's family. Bettina is convinced that her parents will love Brad, which even if I hadn't seen the previews would be a total giveaway that they will completely hate Brad. At Bettina's Dad's house, Brad meets Bettina's dad, stepmom, mom, and sister. The interrogation begins, and it quickly comes out that Brad is a college dropout. (Or, as he puts it, he "left early.") Aaaand it just as quickly comes out that Bettina's dad is a professor. Perfect! He interviews that it's a disappointment that Brad isn't better educated. Brad, mistakenly going for humor this time when he says he's in the bar business, calls it "family friendly." Oh, Brad. That's a rookie mistake, and you just hate to see it at this point in the game. After an awkward silence, they all head outside to eat. The stepmom interviews that she's unhappy to think of her stepdaughter "hooked up with a guy who runs a bunch of bars."

At the table, Brad unsuccessfully tries to defend his career, and interviews that he feels judged. Probably because he IS being judged. Because judging, in both directions, is the point of these visits. Duh. Bettina's father interviews that Bettina's first husband was the greatest guy evah. Oof. He expresses his concerns about Brad's business, location, and education to Bettina while Brad faces the lethal mom/stepmom combo. They warn him against stringing Bettina along, Brad interviews that they didn't take him seriously, "much less the whole concept of [brief pause] falling in love!" I totally think he meant to say, "much less the whole concept of this reality show," but then realized it sounded ridiculous. They ditch him to take the dog outside, and Brad and Bettina enjoy an evening conversation on the national mall, which from the size of her dad's house is nowhere near where they were earlier in the day.

Bettina lays out her family's concerns about Brad, and then tells him that because they question the match, she feels like she should question it, too. Brad doesn't take it well, and says he's "intelligent enough not to judge anybody." Bettina says that she doesn't "look that great on paper either," which, wow. Bad choice of words. He gets upset, saying that he's worked really hard, doesn't like being questioned personally, and feels blindsided. In short, Bettina just cemented the damage her family did earlier.

At the rose ceremony, Brad gives the first rose to DeAnna, followed by Jenni. Unbelievably, Bettina gets the final rose, leaving Sheena out in the cold. Wow. I just- wow. And here I thought Bettina was maybe even throwing the competition with her whole "good on paper" thing! To be fair, though, Sheena has really been coasting along on Chad's recommendation this whole time. Sheena cries and seems really upset, which actually surprises me a little. It didn't seem like she cared that much, which is probably part of the problem. Brad interviews that he sent her home because the feelings and chemistry weren't there, though I suspect it also had a little something to do with her mother. Because, yikes.

Next week: Shirtless bachelor action in Cabo. And also some stuff about feelings. And overnight dates.

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On the Glowy Box: Yay for Halloween-themed episodes!

Congratulations to Dirty Sexy Money and Reaper for the extra script orders!

Watched Over the Weekend:
Desperate Housewives: Loved it! Read my complete thoughts here.

Women's Murder Club: I have to say, this show was perfect rainy Friday night material. Not season pass material, not Sunday-Thursday material, but exactly what I'm in the mood for after a long week of work and don't want to have to think too much. That said, I really hope they get off this ex-husband/boss plot for Angie Harmon's character. It's lame.

The Office: From Thursday. 1) The folks who were recording the theme song totally need to form an office a capella group, like Ted on Scrubs. It would be hilarious. 2) Um, their final commercial was a LOT better than I expected, given that Michael Scott (formerly of "Lazy Scranton") was directing it. Nice. 3) I'm so glad the show is back to its half-hour format. And not just because it leaves room for Scrubs in the schedule.

Ugly Betty: From Thursday. Yay, Betty/Henry! Yay, Justin back to his usual self! Yay, Alexis getting her memory back! Yay, new mysterious background for Christina! Yay, Ugly Betty!!! Here's hoping this year's Halloween episode lives up to last year's...

Dirty Sexy Money: From Wednesday. This is one of those shows that I get totally into while it's on, and then forget about until the weekend, when I make myself watch it so that I can delete if off my DVR. And I get totally into it again! What's up with that? I think, clearly, this is a show that's meant to be watched on DVD, marathon-style. Also, I kind of can't take this "Tripp is evil! No, Simon Elder is evil! No wait, it's totally Tripp! For reals this time! Except maybe not!" flipping around. I need someone to hate!

Reaper: From Tuesday. Though I find Reaper entertaining enough to watch on the weekends, I feel like this show, more than any other, didn't live up to its awesome pilot. I'm not sure if it's the writing, the CW's extremely budget special effects (Smallville- and Charmed-style), the formulaic nature of the plots, or the acting. Seriously, I really wish it didn't feel like the big sidekick (Sock?) was doing a Jack Black impersonation every single moment of every single episode. However, I am intrigued by Sam's Dad's new shady behavior. So at least there's something to keep me DVRing every week.

Will Watch or DVR Tonight:
(Descriptions from Zap2it.com's TV listings)

How I Met Your Mother: Marshall gives up his dream of saving the Earth in favor of money after being courted by a lawyer (John Cho) from a corporate firm. CBS, 8 PM.

Chuck: Chuck runs into a fellow agent, who is living a similar life, and must decide whether to turn the agent in to Sarah and Casey; Morgan's and Chuck's Halloweens differ. NBC, 8 PM.

Samantha Who?: Sam assumes her role as a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding, but upon arriving, she learns that the friend does not want her there. ABC, 9:30 PM.

The Bachelor: The final four bachelorettes take Brad to their hometowns to meet their families; one woman's protective father confronts Brad, leading to an argument; Brad makes a difficult decision and sends one woman home. ABC, 10 PM.

I demand more Halloween episodes!

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Desperate Housewives: Let's hope they never come for my pink flamingo

I'm just guessing here, but did some crazy fan kidnap the writers from season one of Desperate Housewives, keep them in a closet for a couple years, then give up trying to write the show himself and release the writers this year? Because that's kind of how it seems. And while much of the credit is obviously due to the writing (and its addition of a gay couple to the neighborhood), an equal amount should be given to Dana Delaney, who is a perfect fit for Wisteria Lane. Seriously, she has brought this show back from the brink. And tonight's episode was a great example of this season's return to form.

The biggest conflict of the week arrives in the form of a big, noisy, metal, artsy (the bad kind), expensive fountain. From Finland. In the middle of Bob and Lee's front yard. Bree's quote, I think, summed it up best: "Of all the gay men in the world, we have to get the two without taste!" I have to say, I find it a little surprising that the homeowners association had been inactive since Mary Alice's death. If there ever was a neighborhood where such an organization would thrive to an unhealthy degree, this is that neighborhood. The battle over the fountain quickly escalates, with the help of Katherine and Lynette, into a battle of fascism vs. libertarianism. And I have to say, tidy lawns and full nights of sleep are all well and good, but who picks on a tree house inhabited by the children of someone with cancer? Yeesh.

After Susan casts the tiebreaking vote for Katherine as homeowners association president, it seems a foregone conclusion that Wisteria Lane will turn into that episode of The X-Files where a monster killed anyone who didn't comply with homeowners association regulations. But interestingly, Katherine's husband points out that if times got tough, they'd want to have friends. (In the same conversation, incidentally, she vaguely references his losing control and what happened in Chicago.) Thus, Katherine goes around and makes nice to everyone, including Lynette, who calls her "one complicated lady." True that, Lynette.

When Katherine tries to make nice with Bob and Lee, though, they drop this week's big bomb: they know what she did last summer in Chicago. Or rather, what her husband did. Apparently, Bob's ex is on her husband's old hospital's board, and everyone's still talking about what happened. Katherine says that people are just telling vicious lies, but Bob and Lee, who are totally hardcore, don't give in. The fountain stays, and we're still left wondering again what, exactly, happened in Chicago. I'm hoping it's not just that he took liberties with a patient. That seems way too obvious for an OB/GYN.

In other news, I love Gabby and Carlos's plot. Which is just as much a surprise to me as it is to you, believe me. I spend the entire episode fearing that Victor's PI would find out about the affair, thus leading Victor to kill Gabby and Carlos. With the revelation that the PI was actually Edie's, I now fear that the sorry couple will suffer a fate far worse than death. Let's hope Carlos's accountant is working fast! Although this definitely gives Edie yet another avenue for blackmail, aside from the financial one. She has to know that Victor would totally destroy Carlos for this.

I also enjoyed the closure John's appearance brought. Though the "Carlos and John are the same!" anvil was dropped a little too heavily, it gave us a deeper glimpse into Carlos's mind, and allowed for that hilarious conversation in the hotel room about the sordid details of John and Gabby's affair, while Carlos hid in the closet. Finally, can we all agree that PI or no PI, the six month plan never would have worked? Given past evidence, there's no way Gabby could have gone without action for that long. Just sayin'.

Last, but not least, we have Bree's predicament. She finds out that Grandma busted Danielle out of the shockingly irresponsible convent in which she was confined, and that Danielle is now determined to stay at Grandma's retirement home and raise the baby there. I loved how Andrew set Bree straight about Danielle's true nature. I also enjoyed Bree and Orson's strategy for getting Danielle to leave Grandma. Not only did they bribe her with promises of Florida and a convertible, but they pointed out the disadvantages of living in a retirement home. Which really should have been obvious to Danielle from the get-go, but I'll cut her a break since she'd been living with nuns for the past few months.

All in all, yet another highly entertaining episode! Even if we didn't get to find out what was written in Aunt Lily's deathbed confession. I'm totally getting into this season, you guys. Totally.

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On the Glowy Box: Attention, sports fans!

Scrubs is back, and it's still awesome!

Watched Last night:
30 Rock: Did anyone else get the sense that Carrie Fisher played crazy a little too well? If you know what I'm sayin'? There's such a thing as too convincing... And how awesome was the page-off? That's what I love about this show--they throw in crazy things like that (and like Werewolf Bar Mitzvah) without playing them to death. Also, wow, they really let Alec Baldwin go to town on those impressions during therapy! Just when you think this show is the perfect showcase for his comic talents, you realize that it's barely scratched the surface. And dang, multiple H.R. Haldeman references? What demographic are they going for, here? (Actually, never mind...I think the answer to that question is "smart." And I'm all for it.) So basically, last night's episode was awesome, and I'm still not getting sick of the guest star parade. Though, of course, it does bring to mind an unflattering Will and Grace comparison.

Life: From last week. Okay, so I'm still getting caught up on Life, but I just wanted to say that I'm enjoying this show more each week. In case anyone was wondering.

Scrubs: I'm honestly just so glad it's back, I don't think I could say anything negative even if I wanted to. Read my review here.

Grey's Anatomy: Read my review of this somewhat confusing episode here.

Will Watch or DVR this Weekend:
(Descriptions from Zap2it.com's TV listings)

Women's Murder Club: Jill takes a big risk to try to help a teenager whose mother was murdered; Lindsay considers dating again; Claire tries to bring the romance back into her relationship. ABC, 9 PM Tonight.

Desperate Housewives: Bob and Lee's front-yard water sculpture prompts the neighborhood association into action; Edie finds out about the affair Carlos is having with Gaby; the Solis' former gardener, John (Jesse Metcalfe), wants to rekindle his romance with Gaby. ABC, 9 PM Sunday.

Wow, is that seriously all that's on over the weekend? Bananas!

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Scrubs: I caresies!

Finally, FINALLY, Scrubs is back! For the last season, yes, but hey, at least we're getting a real last season. I mean, dang, I'm actually feeling nostalgic toward Elliot, and I've never really even liked her!

Previously on Scrubs, Elliot and JD almost kissed. Yes, almost, thank goodness. However, Elliot then decides that she doesn’t want to marry Keith, which she confesses to the Turks that night. This interrupts Turk's choosing his biannual (because of the diabetes) candy bar. Now, as someone who is vegan and thus can’t have commercially available candy bars (and thus spends an unhealthy amount of time obsessing over them), I can say unequivocally that I’d go with a Twix. You get the crunch, you get the caramel, and you get TWO candy bars in one! Yes, it’s missing the nougat, but I think the double bar thing puts it over the edge. Just sayin’.

Faced with the task of breaking up with the Dudemeister, Elliot is panicking a bit. Yeah, you really don’t want to wait until the guy’s family is in town. And staying with you. That’s just rough. She bites the bullet, though, as everyone watches from the hospital windows. And now, it’s time to sing along to the theme song for the last time ever! Well, the last time ever in a season premiere, at least. I’ve really gotten great at harmonizing on the “I’m no superman” line at the end, too. Aww.

Though Keith is understandably bitter at Elliot Pig Whore, and Kim has turned into some sort of whale, life at Sacred Heart continues as usual. Oh, Dr. Cox, how I’ve missed your cutting insults! And how I appreciate the shorter hair this season! And hey, the writers even throw in some stuff for the loyal fans during Turk and JD’s “hard truth” conversation—“Molebutt” is totally Elliot!

Dr. Cox finds himself liking one of his patients, along with Turk and eventually Dr. Kelso— horror of horrors! Apparently, Joe has a “magical quality.” One not recognized by his insurance company, who won’t pay to have him stay if his symptoms have subsided and they can’t figure out what’s wrong. I wonder if it’s painful for insurance workers to watch medical shows. I feel like they get picked on every week! Probably for good reason, but still, it’s gotta sting, right? Incidentally, who the heck doesn’t look for a tick in someone’s hair? I mean, that’s kind of where they like to hang out, as anyone who’s ever been camping knows. Yep, I've dodged many a lyme disease bullet.

Predictably, Elliot and Keith hook up after she tries to be friends and he tries to be mean to her in return. And, ouch, he thinks they’re back together. Yeah, not so much, dude. Not so much. On the other bad relationship end, JD is resigned to staying with Kim forever and ever due to the kid, even though he doesn’t love her. Also ouch.

Other things I loved tonight:

• “Big news, sports fans!" [Everyone turns their attention to JD] "I’ve decided to call everyone ‘sports fans.’”
• The Who Caresies Awards. Go, Dame Judy Dorian! Also, Tony Shalhoub should suck on that, along with all the Emmy voters.
• The janitor has a girlfriend! Named Lady! True story: When my mom was pregnant with my little sister, my little brother came up with a list of possible names. Including “Lil’ Lady.”
• “Fun Size.” I sense a lot of potential there.

All in all, a solid effort, especially considering the amount of exposition they had to fit in. I can't wait for the rest of the season!

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Grey's Anatomy: Wait, what?

Tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy was jam-packed with tragedy, chainsaws, scandal, and an earless boy. Pretty quality stuff, if you ask me. Although I was left feeling like I misinterpreted last week's episode somewhat. After last week, I felt like the Gizzie train was grinding to a halt, only to be slapped in the face with it this week. Or tied to the tracks and run over with it, to avoid mixing metaphors.

All of a sudden, after Callie kind of outs them, it's widely acknowledged that George and Izzie are an actual couple? And that George and Callie's marriage is definitely over, with Callie moving out and everything? What did I miss? (And that's a serious question--I actually feel like I missed something between last week and this week.) At any rate, I am SO not on board. However, I did love Callie and Cristina's bonding moment in the OR. If anyone doesn't deserve to be cheated on and left at the altar, it's these two. Way to kind of become the strong woman you once were, Callie! Incidentally, I also liked McSteamy's noble offer to cheer Callie up, "Day or night...night in particular."

In a similarly disturbing storyline, Meredith has brought her mom's ashes into work, after kicking off the episode with a dream sequence even worse than the one that began last night's Private Practice. I have to say, I feel like flushing one's mom down the OR sink drain, while possibly a homage to where one's mom loved to be, is also pretty much the most passive-aggressive thing I've ever heard of. "You love operating more than taking me trick-or-treating? Well then you can just spend all eternity here! How's that?!"

I absolutely loved the earless boy subplot, though. Mostly because the earless boy was all kinds of awesome and adorable. In fact, he was just about as awesome and adorable as the guy who chainsawed off his own foot was not. Seriously, that's horrifying. Are they trying to top the needle in the eye thing from the other week? Because that's really, REALLY not something that needs topping.

And speaking of things that I don't quite get, did Derek not say that he'd wait for Meredith to be ready? I mean, I questioned that right after he said, "But if I meet someone else in the meantime..." But, how is starting to date other people waiting? By any definition of the word? Sigh. I suppose I should just be happy he's not dating Lexie. But still--their relationship is growing more and more confusing to me with each passing episode.

And while we're on complicated relationships, Eva/Rebecca is back to visit Alex, and apparently to sleep with him in the on call room! Ah, young love. Good for her for calling him on being a chicken, especially when he basically accused Izzie of the same thing last week. Also, it's totally uncool to fall asleep during a serious "where is our relationship going?" conversation, even (or especially) if it's after having sex. I also think it should be noted here that Alex has really hot arms, and should get some sleeveless scrubs, stat.

And oh, Bailey. Bailey, Bailey, Bailey. She's able to parent all the interns and residents, including George tonight, and give a kid ears, but she can't get home in time to see her baby in a Halloween costume. Which is disturbingly like what we've heard of Meredith's mother. In fact, almost exactly like what we heard of Meredith's childhood Halloweens. Are we to assume that it wasn't all black and white with Meredith's mom, either?

Other observations:

• Shonda still knows how to bring the tragedy, as if there were any doubt. A dad having to pull the plug on his daughter to get her heart in a transplant? It takes a twisted mind to think of something that sad.
• I don't know if last week's almost-fight whet my appetite, or what, but I kind of want to see Cristina and Dr. Hahn battle it out in a cage match.
• Line of the week: After the chainsaw guy says it's crazy to walk through life without being in control of your own destiny, Grandpa Gilmore busts out with a thoughtful, "Hmm...I still think it's cutting off your foot with a chainsaw that's crazy." Damn that stroke, I'm really gonna miss him! Surgery is way cooler than psychiatry.
• Who knew a story about digging up a dead cat could be so sweet? Lexie is very slowly growing on me.

So yeah, basically...I'm a bit confused about this week, but generally still optimistic. If we could just shake this Gizzie thing, I think this season would be off to a great start!

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On the Glowy Box: Scrubs!

SCRUBS!!!

Watched Last Night:
Pushing Daisies: Oh. My God. Who would have thought that such a perfect little gem of a show would ever get a full-season pickup? I've been treating each episode like a special gift, while secretly dreading the moment when there would be no more. Hooray for unrealized fears! Last night's episode was beyond fantastic. It's not enough for them to slip in a sly They Might Be Giants reference--no, they actually have two Broadway stars sing a few lines of Birdhouse in Your Soul (one of my favorite songs ever, as it happens) in the next scene! Fantastic. I thought the plot, too, was a perfect mini-version of the twisted fairytale romance that forms the show in general. And how cute was that bedazzled pigeon? SO cute. Just like this show.

Private Practice: Dear Violet: You suck. Please either run off with Allan or shut the fuck up about him. Love, Liz (P.S. Good luck scratching that itch, Addison! And here's hoping it puts a stop to cheesy dream sequences.)

America's Next Top Model: Read my full recap here, and enjoy the literally trashy goodness.

Will Watch or DVR Tonight:
(Descriptions from Zap2it.com's TV listings)

Ugly Betty: Betty tries Internet dating and gets asked out on a bowling date; Marc finds himself attracted to someone who is not his type; Danny and Alexis ready themselves for dinner with stepmom-to-be Wilhelmina; Justin ditches school. ABC, 8 PM.

30 Rock: Liz invites her idol (Carrie Fisher) to be a guest writer on the show, but her ideas are too controversial; Kenneth must compete to keep his job. NBC, 8:30 PM.

Grey's Anatomy: Halloween is full of surprises for the doctors of Seattle Grace; Alex receives an unexpected visit from a former patient; Meredith thinks her mother's ashes are haunting her; a surgeon Cristina admires snubs her. ABC, 9 PM.

The Office: Michael seizes the opportunity to exhibit his creativity when the Scranton branch must participate in a company ad; Dwight explores an online world. NBC, 9 PM.

Scrubs: The final season begins. (Sniff, sniff...) J.D. contemplates his commitment to Kim; Elliot struggles with the idea of her upcoming marriage; Carla tries to protect her diabetic husband from his sweet tooth. NBC, 9:30 PM.

Seriously, I am SO EXCITED about Scrubs being back. So excited!

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America's Next Top Model: Finally living up to its trashy reputation...

Tonight on America's Next Top Model, the girls dressed like garbage in an elaborate metaphorical interpretation of the way the fashion industry treats women attempt to raise awareness about recycling. Riiight.

We rejoin the gals as Ebony is discussing how she's sick of doing poorly in panel, Ambreal is placing a tearful call home, and Heather is worrying about the lack of non-profile shots in her portfolio. Bianca, taking a break from her normally stank attitude, is actually pretty supportive and helpful towards Heather. Hmm. You know, I don't think I really hate any of the contestants this season. Not a Lisa, Melrose, or Jade to be found! Which is probably a bad thing, come to think of it.

In much more interesting news, Tyson Beckford has come a-calling! Ebony freaks out and runs away from him shrieking, which is pretty hysterical. He's there to teach the girls about how to be a spokemodel, and instructs everyone to grab an item from the kitchen and try and sell it to the room. The girls' pitches are predictably entertaining. Money quote from Tyson, regarding the electric water heater Ebony's trying to sell: "Let me know it's hot, it's moist, and it's really what I want." Hee! Heather does a nice job, but Ambreal gets to feed Tyson a mango. ...Still in the peel. Wow, I don't think I've ever seen anyone just bite into an unpeeled mango like that. Yuck!

TyraMail! They're off to meet Tyson at a studio where they'll be doing a 30-second PSA in teams of three for Keep a Child Alive. Lisa, Chantal, and Bianca do well, though Bianca has some trouble getting her lines out. Heather, Jenah, and Ambreal have a very nice presentation. Sarah, Saleisha, and Ebony actually also do a pretty good job, though they get a bit messed up on the charity's actual purpose. Hey, nobody crashed and burned! Is this a Top Model first? Heather wins a photo shoot for Carol's Daughter, art directed by Mary J. Blige (huh?) in random drawing between the girls in her group, while Jenah and Ambreal win $500 gift baskets. In the photo shoot, it looks like they must've dipped Heather in a vat of bronzer, but it ends up looking pretty good.

As the girls chow down on chicken fingers and pizza in their walk-in closet that night, Ebony drops the H-bomb. No, the other H-bomb. That's right, she wants to go home. Suuure. We'll see if that pans out. The other girls take it about as seriously as I do.

The next morning, Orange Jay informs them that they'll be doing a high fashion photo shoot with a pro-recycling message, in which each of them will be representing a different recyclable material. It will be...dare I say it? Derelicte! Watching the girls try and smile as they realize they're going to be portraying trash is pretty hilarious, I have to say.

Heather, as "aluminum cans" (ha!), rocks the face-on shots, though I have to say, her final shot isn't quite as fabulous as her profiles have been. That may be due more to facial structure than anything else, though. Chantal, representing "shredded paper" (ha!), does fine, though her hair is totally covering her face in the final shot. Sarah, portraying "garbage bags" (ha!), does a good job with creative posing. Her final photo is really good, but Nigel mentions her weight loss, which she claims not to have really noticed. The old screen grab they show in comparison to her current weight is pretty funny, in that anyone tucking their chin in like that would look a bit chubby. Well-played, ANTM editors.

Saleisha, as "car parts" (ha!), is a little stiff. And also knocks over half the set. Her final shot, though, is great, and makes me feel better about her crazy haircut. Ebony, representing "bubble wrap" (ha!), is far from her best, and doesn't seem to take Jay's criticism seriously. It almost looks like she's snarling in her photo, and though she walks up to the panel with a smile, she doesn't leave it with one after being critiqued for her lackluster efforts and attitude on set. Jenah, as "cardboard boxes" (ha!), knocks it out as usual. And actually manages to look presentable at panel!

Bianca, portraying "oil" (ha!), has apparently mastered Tyra's mythical "smile with your eyes" technique. Though her final shot is a bit stiff pose-wise, her face is fantastic. Unfortunately, this means we don't get the traditional "smile with your eyes" tutorial at panel. Lisa is "plastic bottles" (ha!), and she does well at the shoot, though it doesn't really manifest itself in her final photo. Tyra thinks she needs to take riskier risks. Which may only make sense in Tyra's head. Ambreal, representing "newspaper" (ha!), tries to pose her heart out, but just can't make it interesting. She's got the ol' Dead Eyes, and makes the mistake of blaming it on her fake eyelashes. She also gets the "that's not the girl who started here" criticism, so it's a one-two punch. Yikes.

Before elimination, Ebony reiterates in an interview that she's hoping Tyra won't call her name. Tellingly, perhaps, she doesn't go so far as to say she'll quit. Tyson is the guest judge at panel. In solo deliberation, the judges praise Saleisha's improvement, Jenah's consistent fabulousness, and Heather's head-on skills. They don't love Ebony's attitude, Sarah's weight loss (which is taking her out of her plus-size niche), or Ambreal's...non-Top Model-ness.

Saleisha gets the first photo, followed by Jenah, Heather (continuing her reign of terror as Covergirl of the Week), Bianca, Sarah, Chantal, and Lisa. As anyone who saw the first five minutes of the episode could have guessed, that leaves Ebony and Ambreal, who were the weakest on set this week. Ebony gets the photo, and tearfully says, "I no longer want to be here." Wow, I didn't actually think she'd do it!

She says she doesn't think modeling is for her, but Tyra disagrees, saying that she thinks Ebony just can't handle people telling her she's not perfect. Harsh! I mean, Jesus, this is an industry that gives girls eating disorders and drug addictions in their quest to stay thin and "perfect." Is it really so bad to see that pressure up close and choose not to be a part of it? Deciding you don't want to be around people who are telling you you're doing a bad job, yelling directions at you, and criticizing your looks seems like a healthy and mature decision to me. Tyra says that "the most unattractive thing in the world to [her] is a quitter," and sends Ebony home. Ebony thanks her and leaves the room without hugging anyone. As the rest of the girls stand by, shell-shocked, Tyra encourages a sobbing Ambreal to make the most of her second chance. This is totally bananas, you guys!

In her exit interview, Ebony says that she's sorry for wasting everyone's time, that she really misses her family, and that she just wants to go back to being "happy Ebony." Which, true enough, we've never really seen. The editors show us her casting tape, in which she begs Tyra to let her on the show, saying "you won't regret it!" Aww.

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On the Glowy Box: Can we move some of these shows to Tuesday?

CONGRATULATIONS, Pushing Daisies!!! I love it when quirky, well-reviewed shows actually get network support. And I guess the surprisingly high ratings don't hurt, either--way to go, America! I'm almost on my way to forgiving you for Two and a Half Men's success. Almost.

Watched Last Night:
House: Cutthroat bitch may be getting a bit too cutthroat for me. But at least House agreed that the dog collar was a little much. I'll be sad to see the old non-doctor go, though in hindsight the reason was really predictable. And Foreman, wow. I actually wasn't missing his presence at all, so of the three former fellows, I'm not too thrilled to see him back. However, I do enjoy the combative dynamic between he and House, and the conflict between House and Cuddy should be entertaining. Also, the Patient of the Week was totally a guest star on Buffy. I knew I recognized her!

Chuck: From Monday. I'm still really liking this show, although this episode's plot didn't grab me quite as much as past episodes. The music alone is pretty much crazy fantastic, though. "Private Eyes" by Hall and Oates on the stakeout mix? I'm going to call that a Veronica Mars shoutout. I'm also increasingly able to tolerate Morgan, so that's a good thing. And wow, the guy who played the wheelchair-bound Chinatown mob boss is a total "Hey! It's that guy!" Also, Chuck needs to stop throwing around the words, "I promise," and start coming up with some better excuses. For reals.

Grey's Anatomy: From Thursday. Callie would DESTROY Izzie in a fight. So I'm kind of sorry that didn't happen. And I guess I see where Shonda's exit strategy is...seems like she's moving from Gizzie to, um, Izlex. Or something. So, will the new love triangle be Izzie/Alex/Jane Doe (/Eva/Rebecca)? And dude. I was getting unreasonably mad at Derek when he was being all chummy with Lexie when he knew it would get back to Meredith. I mean, maybe he was trying to be a nice guy, but it also seemed like a bit of a ploy to get Meredith jealous, or something. I dunno. I mean, that whole "...but if I find someone else while I'm waiting for you..." speech was pretty awful. It's not "waiting" if you're dating other people, Derek. Not that I even care if those two work it out. I'm so over it. Over it! And boy, that was some pretty egregious recasting for the Chief's niece. Wasn't the old niece Jackie from Veronica Mars, and the alcoholic chick from Hidden Palms? Just sayin'.

Will Watch or DVR Tonight:
(Descriptions from Zap2it.com's TV listings)

Pushing Daisies: Ned and his partners try to find out whether the pilot of a plane that crashed into an apartment building was committing suicide; Olive takes an injured messenger-pigeon to the aunts for assistance. ABC, 8 PM.

America's Next Top Model: Model Tyson Beckford gives the models a lesson on being a spokesperson; the women split into groups and create public service announcements for a charity; the challenge winner stars in a makeup photo shoot directed by singer Mary J. Blige. The CW, 8 PM.

Private Practice: Addison cannot stop thinking of Pete; Violet's ex visits the clinic and Cooper is not happy to see him; Naomi and Sam's daughter secretly seeks Addison's medical advice. ABC, 9 PM.

Planet in Peril: Polar bears; rising sea levels; water recession in Africa; poachers. CNN, 9 PM.

Dirty Sexy Money: Nick meets with Tripp's nemesis, billionaire Simon Elder; twins Juliet and Jeremy decide to throw separate birthday parties for themselves, budgeted at $1 million each; Brian Jr. feels the need to tell Brian's wife the truth about his paternity. ABC, 10 PM.

Life: Charlie and Danni try to determine whether a woman wearing angel wings jumped or was pushed out a window to her death. NBC, 10 PM.

Don't forget about Planet in Peril!

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Veronica Mars DVD Contest Results!

We have a winner! After wading through a multitude of fantastic Veronica Mars-themed haikus, sonnets, limericks, and odes, I chose my favorite six (I just couldn't narrow it down to five, as planned). Jennifer's clever, bittersweet entry was the winner in a random drawing of those finalists. Congratulations, Jennifer! Here's her winning poem:

An Ode to Veronica Mars
A long time ago, we used to friends.
But then the CW brought you to an end.
We protested. We wrote. We even did skywriting.
But alas, no luck. The network wasn’t biting.
We miss your sarcasm, your charm, and your wit.
But you’ve moved on to Heroes, a bonafide hit.
Good luck and Godspeed at NBC.
But our beloved Veronica, you’ll always be.

Continue below to read the other five finalists' awesome poems. Seriously, great work, guys! And thanks to everyone who entered--it was really tough to pick the winners!

A witty pair of limericks by Amanda:

There once was this awesome show,
To which most dumb viewers said “No.”
Instead they watched Idol,
Which makes me want Midol,
So the bigshots made VMars go.

Veronica wasn’t your average chick,
She was smart, sassy, and a private dick,
Her smile was charming,
Her hair flip disarming,
And above all, her wit was quick.

A hilarious haiku by Scooter:

Sad without Ronnie
But I will always have my
I (Heart) Dick T-Shirt

A great Vinnie-centric limerick by Sunil:

Let's talk about Vinnie Van Lowe.
You may think that he's kind of slow.
But this private dick
Is more mentally quick
Than you might be expected to know.

A fabulously obscure series of haikus by Leigh:

I
Earth to Mars, Neptune
Out at night, asleep in class
Always take Backup

II
A green LeBaron
PCHers, 09ers
Class warfare lives on

III
Duncan Logan Piz
“I’m never getting married”
Beware the Dentist

IV
She’s a marshmallow?
Watch out for the keyster egg
End: the bitch is back

V
Vee, who’s your daddy?
Rob Thomas and Sheriff Mars
Without a network

And finally, the entire series in couplet form by Derek:

There once was a girl
Whose life came crashing down
taking away her precious social crown.

After being subjected to her best friend's murder and her own rape,
Veronica didn't realise her anger take shape.

In the form of investigating the mysteries of the town,
Veronica solved the murder of Lily Kane,
which could've been prevented if Lily hadn't been so vein.

Sleeping with a vast array of gentlemen,
Lily learnt the in's and out's of movie star, Aaron Echolls' bed,
which would ultimately result in an ashtray to her head.

Along the way to this result,
Veronica learnt why her rapist had to bolt.

In a series of catastrophic events,
it had been Duncan who had commited the offence.

Months later senior year began with a splash,
as the schoolbus carrying Meg did crash.

It became apparent that the love Veronica and Logan did share,
Needed months, weeks, and days for it to repair.

Enter Duncan Kane,
Who found Veronica's love all too easy to attain.

In the end it was Meg who placed a wedge,
between them sending Veronica off the edge.

As Duncan ran with his newborn to Mexico,
Veronica's life was filled with overwhelming woe.

Just as things for Veronica started to die down,
Danger was lurking all around.

Graduation did begin,
just before Veronica's life began to spin.

Slowly learning that the accused,
was merely Beaver, slightly abused.

Urgently trying to call Mac to tell her the news,
Instead running into Beaver on the roof, enjoying the views.

Beaver came, his nice-side gone,
Blowing up the plane that Woody was on.

Saving the day, Veronica's life returned to status quo
unbeknownst of a rapist at Hearst who would soon be her next foe.

It was the girls of Lilith House whose protests,
showed Hearst was under distress.

Finally learning the identity of the rapists,
The route Veronica took was far from the safest.

Yet it was Parker's angry scream of 'RAPE!!',
That truly made it possible for Veronica's escape.

A lack of judgement in the air,
left the love of Veronica and Logan in despair.

As their love began to dwindle,
It was Logan and Madison's quick affair,
which proved too much for her to bear.

Breaking up for good,
Piz soon became the one Veronica truly understood.

Thanks to the secret society of The Castle,
Veronica now faced a new hassle.

A sex-tape of her began circulating the net,
Veronica began to spread regret.

Keith, trying to keep Veronica free,
ended up paying the ultimate fee.

All the risks her friends and family took,
Veronica seemed to just overlook.

In the end, our hero seemingly walked off,
all because of CW President Dawn Ostroff.

Thanks again for all the entries, and I hope you enjoyed the contest!

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On the Glowy Box: No baseball? Really?

How I Met Your Mother was awe-wait for it-some last night. Also, Viva Laughlin has, incredibly predictably, been cancelled. I look forward to erasing its latest episode off my DVR.

Watched Last Night:
How I Met Your Mother: Aaaand we're finally back to second season quality. LEGENDARY, you guys. The hot/crazy graph? With the Vicky Mendoza Line?! (I'm not a sports person, but I actually got that baseball reference. Incidentally, the Mendoza Line is also a pretty good band.) Robin, finally, has gone from being vaguely irritating back to being funny. Phew. I love the creative use of flashback storytelling ("sandwiches," "Blah Blah"), and it was great to see how everyone met everyone else. Although somehow, I was expecting more out of the Barney story. I don't know what, or why, but it was a little too predictable that he'd take them under his wing at a bar. The bit where Marshall impressed Barney by hooking up with Lily was a nice touch, though.

Samantha Who?: Well...I didn't really like last night's episode as much as the pilot. Mostly in that it wasn't very funny. Seriously, I don't think I laughed out loud (or on the inside, even) for the entire half hour. I liked the plot, I found it perfectly engaging, but it just wasn't funny to me. Ah, well. I'll keep watching to see if it regains its sea legs. Partly because they've cast one of my favorite "Hey! It's That Guy!" actors as Samantha's boss. I fell in love with Rick Hoffman's acting six years ago, when he was on Philly (interestingly enough, that's also when I fell in love with James Denton's...acting, pre-Desperate Housewives). Rick Hoffman is awesome, at any rate. He totally deserves his own quirky misanthrope show!

The Bachelor: Hillary, you guys. Wow. Read my full recap here.

Will Watch or DVR Tonight:
(Descriptions from Zap2it.com's TV listings)

Planet in Peril: This is possibly one to DVR and watch over the weekend when you have a chance, since it's two hours long, but I'm actually really excited CNN is putting so much into it, and would encourage everyone to check it out. Especially if you enjoyed Planet Earth or An Inconvenient Truth. Or if you live on this planet. Although Jeff Corwin kind of pales in comparison to Steve Irwin, you can't go wrong with Anderson Cooper and Sanjay Gupta, right? And seriously, it sounds really interesting. Tonight - Black market animal trade; conservation group Wildlife Alliance raids illegal animal trading; Madagascar's deforestation; endangered species in Cambodia; pollution in China. CNN, 9 PM.

House: It's back! House and the remaining fellowship candidates must determine why a 20-year-old cosmetician has had a massive seizure and is now hallucinating; Foreman's reputation precedes him as he interviews for a new job; House must narrow the candidates to six. Fox, 9 PM.

Reaper: Sam receives a copy of the contract his parents signed, but it is in Latin; the trio discovers that the latest escaped soul is the former head of a chemical company that dumped toxic waste. The CW, 9 PM.

Boston Legal: A woman (Mare Winningham) asks Alan's advice on how to kill the man who murdered her daughter; Katie and Jerry try to overturn Megan's Law; Lorraine tries to help Alan overcome his deep-rooted childhood fears causing him to speak gibberish around her. ABC, 10 PM.

Planet in Peril. Seriously. Check it out. We can all report back next week when we've actually finished watching it, and discuss how screwed we are.

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DVD Review: Veronica Mars - Season Three

Oh, Veronica Mars. I miss you so much! Happily, thanks to Warner Home Video and M80 promotions, I now have a copy of the third season DVD set (which was released today) in my hot little hands. Hooray!

Now, as you may know, Glowy Box covered the third season of Veronica Mars in quite some detail, so I'm not going to review the season itself. If you want to know what we thought about the third season's episodes, head here. (Brief summary: "Even its worst episodes had better writing and acting than some shows that have run twice as long." So true. Although the third season - and second season, for that matter - never quite reached the brilliant heights of the first season.) Instead, I'm going to focus on the many excellent bonus features, since they're new for all of us.

First off, and most excitingly, the bonus DVD includes the entire season four pitch. For those who don't remember, Rob Thomas, in a last-ditch effort to save the show, put together a 15-minute video introducing a possible fourth season, which would take place several years in the future, when Veronica is a rookie FBI agent. Though I was very skeptical of the idea at first (though supportive of anything that would save the show), I am now convinced that it would have been an awesome, grown-up Veronica Mars that very well may have been successful. You guys, the DVD set is almost worth the price for the FBI pitch alone. It's like the first two acts of the first episode of the fourth season! And am I the only one who thinks this would make an awesome movie? (Hint, hint, movie executives...) And seriously, I feel like the other networks should be fighting over this show.

The DVD also includes interviews with Rob Thomas and a supervising producer about what went into the season four pitch, and where it came from. Fun fact: He always envisioned Veronica going into the FBI somewhere down the road. Fun fact #2: They threw the whole thing together in two weeks! My only (very small) complaint would be that they intersperse long clips from the pitch, which we presumably just watched, with the interviews. Which is redundant at best.

The bonus disk also features an illuminating series of interviews with Rob Thomas and the supervising producer about various aspects of season three, including the change in opening credits (which is more interesting than it sounds), Rob Thomas's experience directing "Spit & Eggs" (probably my favorite episode of the season), Veronica's relationship with Logan and Keith, and (quite interestingly) the politics of Veronica Mars, which doesn't necessarily go in the direction you'd expect. Fun fact: Kristen Bell is an animal rights activist! Right on--I knew I loved this show!

There are also five "webisodes," or features from the website, with actor interviews, set tours, etc. My favorite is definitely the clip of Kristen Bell and Chris Lowell (Piz, now on Private Practice) interviewing each other. It's pretty hysterical. There are also deleted scenes (or, as they put it, "unaired scenes") with introductions by Rob Thomas (who points out that there aren't many, because it's hard to cut scenes from a mystery show in which most every scene contains clues). And, of course, the predictably great gag reel.

However, the DVDs also seem to be lacking in one major bonus feature: episode commentary. What gives?! Couldn't lure everyone back into one room to reminisce? That disappointment aside, if you're already a Veronica Mars fan, you obviously have to get these DVDs. If you're not a Veronica Mars fan (yet), you have to get the first and second season DVDs, and then these DVDs. Seriously. This show was all kinds of awesome.

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The Bachelor: Yikes.

Tonight on The Bachelor, we had gondolas, pool parties, romantic dinners, blah, blah, blah. It was all pretty boring, up until The Most Dramatic Exit Ever. Which, while I could imagine many more dramatic exits, was pretty freaking crazy. Brad must have some serious in-person magnetism to get these chicks acting this way around him, that's all I have to say.

To start us off, Chris informs the bachelorettes that this week is HUGE, because the four women who don't go home tonight will get to take Brad home to meet their families. Also, there are no roses up for grabs on the dates. Bettina scores the first date, a "romantic" one-on-one on the water. Wait, how do these girls recognize a random straw hat in the date box as a "gondola hat"? Is that even a real thing? (Google says yes. My bad.)

Bettina interviews that it's tough for her to let loose and have fun, because she was brought up to think that girls should play hard to get. She and Brad settle down for a candlelit picnic on a dock, where they discuss Bettina's divorce before taking a gondola ride. The kissing doesn't really work out like Brad would've liked, but he seems cool with it. All in all, I give this date a three out of ten. Pretty boring stuff.

The next group date, with much more potential for entertainment, is with Jenni, Hillary, DeAnna, and Kristy. They'll be headed to Brad's house for a pool party, so there's basically no way this won't be hilarious. Kristy claims to not be a "pool person," which...what the heck kind of person ARE you, Kristy? You weren't an improv person, either. I feel like Kristy's just not a fun person. I mean, at least pretend to make an effort. It's a freakin' slip 'n slide! Who can't have fun with that?!

Hillary has been driven mad by Brad's shirtless torso, and gives an interview about how she wants him to "ravish" her (which I kind of thought only pirates in romance novels did), apparently going into the gory details enough that they have to bleep and blur out everything she says. For a while. It's odd. Hillary chats with Brad about how much she's into him, and how he reminds her of her dad. Weirdish? She asks him what he thinks about her, and he lets loose with the compliments. However, he interviews that he's not really feeling it romantically with her. Hillary interviews that she "can just tell by his eyes and the way he looks at [her] that he feels that there's chemistry between [them.]" Someone's in for a nasty surprise (as anyone who saw the previews for tonight's episode already knows).

Brad pulls DeAnna aside for some one-on-one time, but doesn't pull her far enough. That's right, several of the other girls are just hanging out within eyesight, daring him to kiss DeAnna in front of them. And Brad just isn't man enough to do it. (Or, more accurately, he's too gentlemanly to do it.) He's pretty bummed, but learns from his mistakes when he takes Jenni out of eyesight for their one-on-one time. They spend it all making out in a hammock. Hillary is crazy jealous. And I do mean crazy jealous. I have to quote here: "He could be my best friend, but he could also be my lover, and he could be my husband...and Jenni's going off making out with him on the beach, and I'm sitting there like wondering what the [bleep]'s going on, like why isn't that not me?" Oh, Hillary. Why isn't that not you?

Sheena, the lucky recipient of another one-on-one date, gets a mysterious date box about treasures. And torsos. And evening gloves. Hrm. Brad basically admits in an interview that Sheena's mostly still there because Chad, his twin, loved her. Aaand...Brad's a generous brother and has some sort of swinging arrangement with Chad and his wife? No? The evening of surprises begins with a selection of six gowns for Sheena to choose from. For Brad, "this is about as romantic as it gets." Hilarious enough that glorified dress shopping is romantic, right? But then, cue Sheena coming down the stairs in her chosen gown, and then totally face planting on the stairs. HA!

She's okay, and Brad escorts her into an outdoor dining room filled with balloons. Yeah. How are those not randomly popping every few minutes and ruining their audio? The next surprise is better: a nice pair of diamond earrings to match their nice conversation. He seems really happy around her, and comfortable, though I don't sense fireworks yet. But ABC isn't above forcing fireworks, and Brad escorts Sheena over to the pool, where a string quartet is playing for them to dance and kiss to. I'm assuming that if that didn't work, the next stop on the date o' surprises would've been a giant rotating bed with Barry White on the stereo. Upon Sheena's return, the other women don't even bother to hide their jealousy, especially Bettina.

At the cocktail party, Sheena recites a poem she wrote for Brad during their one-on-one. It rhymes, and is a magical cute/stalker combo where she runs through his distinctive physical traits (she'd easily be able to identify his body if he ever wound up headless in the morgue) and the way he makes her feel. Opening couplet: "I love your laugh, your smiles, your touch, and the moles that run up your arm / The patch of blonde hair on your ear, your goals, and most of all, your charm." He's speechless. But inexplicably in a good way.

In his one-on-one with DeAnna, Brad seems pretty enthused with her, and they kiss. She can't stop smiling, which actually makes me like her a little. Meanwhile, Jenni confronts Bettina about her lack of enthusiasm for the gondola date once she saw what Sheena's date was like (and, presumably, the earrings and dress Sheena got). Bettina says Jenni misunderstood her, in that she was joking around when she said her date sucked compared to Sheena's, and meant it sarcastically. Riiight. I mean, maybe she said it jokingly, but that definitely wasn't sarcasm. And Jenni's not buying it. Brad, during his one-on-one with Bettina, says that he thinks the date was perfect, and she agrees, secretly thinking it would have been more perfect with the addition of diamond earrings. She claims she wanted to get physical with him at the end of the date, though I didn't really see that come across.

And now, the precursor to the moment we've all been waiting for: Brad's one-on-one talk with Hillary, in which he intends to break the "just friends" news. He asks us, "How can I relate that to someone who won't listen to a word I'm saying?" She looks like a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown during the entire conversation, ready to either scream with elation or with sorrow. Elation wins the day when he breaks it a bit too gently, and she comes back with a "Yeah, we totally feel the same way, in that I want to marry you tomorrow and have tons of sex and babies" answer. She walks away smiling. And talking about how she hopes her white dress reminds him of how pretty she'd look in a wedding dress. Oh. My. God. How has she seemed at all normal all this time?

Rose Ceremony! DeAnna, Jenni, Sheena, and Bettina get roses. Hillary tries not to lose it in front of everyone, as Jenni tries to comfort her. Kristy accepts the inevitable. How did she even make it this far? And now, the much ballyhooed Most Dramatic Exit Ever. First, there is soft crying. Then, a minor panic attack in which she can't breathe. Then, mascara-smeared outrage and actual weeping. Brad finally goes out to comfort her, and she asks him why he's sending her home. He tells her he's too scared to meet her family and then have to decide that they're just friends. Hillary is too far gone to even realize that doesn't really make sense. She just looks up at him with her red, raccoony eyes (this show is just crying - get it? - for a waterproof mascara sponsorship) and sobs about how much she was falling in love with him. He's really nice, and does a good job hiding his disgust. In the closing interview, she just keeps crying and sniffling about the injustice of it all. Yeesh.

Next week: Brad visits the hometowns and families, including Sheena's crazy mother and Bettina's rightfully disapproving folks.

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On the Glowy Box: Blerg.

So I totally watched, oh, a zillion hours of 30 Rock this weekend. Yay, first season DVDs!

Watched Over the Weekend:
Desperate Housewives: Crabs are funny. Read my full review here.

Private Practice: From Wednesday. Yeah, this show has officially sucked me in and isn't letting go. I can't tell if it's actually getting better and more interesting, or if that's just the addiction talking. But man, I was really feeling for Addison when no one RSVP'd to her party. That's rough! (And no, I'm not even being sarcastic. That totally sucks.)

Ugly Betty: From Thursday. What a great episode! Ugly Betty does a great job being beautifully over-the-top, while still maintaining enough humanity for us to care for the characters. Bad-Ass Justin is such a real, heartbreaking response to his dad dying, but is still carried off in an entertaining way(Justin/young hoochie). I found Betty's mistaken writing class thievery to be a bit too cringy to watch, though, perhaps because Victor Garber terrifies me, much as I do love him. Also, "Ugly Willie" = Best Ever.

30 Rock: From Thursday. First off, yay, Steve Buscemi! Also, yay, "Vic Nightingale." Cookie jars are innately hilarious. And I totally think Dot-com should write TGS from now on, by the way. My favorite quote of the episode had to be, "You can't ask a bird not to fly. You can't ask a fish not to swim. You can't ask a tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight!"

Viva Laughlin: From Thursday. More on this after I've seen last night's episode, but essentially, this show is a tragic waste of money, talent, and concept. And for the love of God, WHY on EARTH would they have the talent sing over the original vocals on the songs? WHY?!

Will Watch or DVR Tonight:
(Descriptions from Zap2it.com's TV listings)

How I Met Your Mother: Ted's new girl is jealous because the story of how Ted met his friends is better than the story of how he met her. CBS, 8 PM.

Chuck: Chuck must decide if he should go against the U.S. government and his friends by helping a top Chinese spy with an unauthorized mission; Buy More forces Morgan into a sales competition that could cost him his job. NBC, 8 PM.

Heroes: In Ireland, a lost hero discovers that a mysterious woman (Kristen Bell!) is willing to kill to find him; Matt and an unexpected ally fly to Philadelphia to hunt down the "boogeyman"; Monica tries to come to terms with her new abilities. NBC, 9 PM.

Samantha Who?: Samantha discovers what she does for a living and tries to diverge from her old workaholic lifestyle. ABC, 9:30 PM.

The Bachelor: Brad takes one woman on a romantic gondola ride; four bachelorettes go to a pool party; one of the women gets a one-on-one date at a mansion; emotions run high at the cocktail party; Brad cuts two more women, one of whom makes an emotional exit. ABC, 10 PM.

I'm so behind on TV at this point that I may need to burn my DVR and start a new life for myself in a country with only two TV channels. We'll see. I blame the 30 Rock DVDs.

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Desperate Housewives: Why so crabby?

Tonight's episode of Desperate Housewives slipped a bit from last week's triumph, but certainly provided a lot for us to think about. And honestly, without Susan's plot gumming up the works, I think it would've been another great hour of television. Especially since we finally get to meet the new gay neighbors!

Bob and Lee have moved to Wisteria lane, at Bob's urging, to get away from the squalor of the big city. Sadly for Bob and Lee, they've chosen to move in next door to Susan, who goes from being weirdly enthusiastic about their being gay, to almost killing Lee with possibly nut-containing cookies, to kidnapping their dog and thus indirectly ruining Bob's $2,000 suit. It's painful and, worse, predictable to watch, and Mike is as pissed at her as I am by the end of the whole thing. Can't the writers try to not make Susan a moronic screw-up, just for one episode? I mean, she did manage to raise Julie--she must have some adult qualities, right?

On the other hand, I'm loving the whole Bree situation. Partly because Andrew's back to his trouble-making ways (inviting Rex's mom to the surprise baby shower he got everyone to throw for Bree = genius), partly because things are getting shaken up a little. But did anyone NOT call Rex's mom taking Danielle out of the convent once Bree spilled the beans? I mean, come on. So obvious. Although seriously, do people really want to parade around their great-grandchildren? I feel like that makes her seem a tad bit ancient.

Also in the "I love it" category: Gabby's crabs via Edie. GROSS. Also? Crabs are totally the funniest STD, you guys. And I couldn't stop laughing at Gabby's "hot nurse" routine as she tried to get the crabs medicine on Victor without his finding out. She really sold it, medicinal smell, stinging, lice comb, and all. And I can't wait to find out what happens next week, now that Edie has pieced together why the "new cologne" Gabby gave Victor smells straaangely familiar.

Also doing a little role play this week is Lynette, who is between rounds of chemo and feeling randy. I have to say, I'm kind of with Tom on not finding her wigless self a turn-on. I know I've said it before, but it bears repeating: that bald cap covering up all her hair makes her head look freakishly huge. Will nobody shave their head for a part anymore? Aaanyway, her efforts at branching out wig-wise, thanks to Gabby's urging, get an A for effort and a C+ for costume. I mean, Brandy the slutty redheaded cheerleader wasn't even dressed remotely like a cheerleader! However, the role play turns into a serious relationship conversation, where Tom admits to Lynette that he'd like her to be a bit more sensitive to his feelings, since her having cancer is hard on him, too. And you know, much as those two are absurd most of the time, they really do have the most mature relationship on this show (not that that's saying much). Way to talk to each other, guys. And way to coin the phrase, "cancer bitch."

And here are some additional pieces to the Mystery Room puzzle:

• Aunt Lily has returned home to die, and Katherine is curious what it dying feels like. Almost as if she's feeling guilty about having killed someone? Maybe?
• Aunt Lily and Katherine covered up something that happened in the Mystery Room, and haven't told anyone to this day, although Aunt Lily, unlike Katherine, thinks Dylan should know about it.
• Thanks to Aunt Lily's interrupted attempt at a confession, Dylan now knows that there's a reason she doesn't remember living on Wisteria Lane.
• Katherine is totally hardcore when it comes to protecting Dylan from knowing whatever happened in the Mystery Room, to the point of ignoring Aunt Lily as she dies.
• Aunt Lily's written last confession is waiting in the Mystery Room to be found.

Mysterious! Next week, political drama on Wisteria Lane as Katherine and Lynette both run for president of...something.

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On the Glowy Box: Better late than never!

This will be my last post until Sunday night, 'cause I'm heading outta town for a few days. In the meantime, there are only a few days left in the Veronica Mars DVD contest, so get those entries in!

Watched Last Night:
Pushing Daisies: Happily, there was no discernable quality drop-off from last week. Pushing Daisies is clearly strong enough to stand up to the lack of Barry Sonnenfeld and an absurdly huge budget. Yay! I especially loved the "Kiss a Beaver" t-shirt joke, in that it was so unexpected. This show does such a great job at being incredibly precious to the point where anything perverse is so shockingly out of place that it has twelve times the impact it would on any other show. Similarly, the preciousness also provides a great contrast for the extreme morbidity. Love!

Samantha Who?: From Monday night. Not too shabby, surprisingly enough. I think I liked it even better the second time around. It's no 30 Rock, but it's a new sitcom that's better than just watchable, which is a rare commodity this season. I wish they'd figure out what they want to do with the mother's character, though. Is she small-town and wholesome? A self-centered diva? Caring? Selfish? There was a lot of back-and-forth there, I felt.

America's Next Top Model: God help me, I kind of love this show. I mean, figure skating poses? Gargoyles? Trampolines?! Read my full recap here.

Will Watch or DVR Tonight:
(Descriptions from Zap2it.com's TV listings)

Ugly Betty: Betty cheats in her writing class and submits another woman's story, which was intended for Mode; amnesia makes Alexis forget how to act like a woman; a top advertiser issues an ultimatum to Daniel; Amanda uncovers a secret from Wilhelmina's past. ABC, 9 PM.

30 Rock: Jack learns he must give up his secret collection of cookie jars; Tracy's wife (Sherri Shepherd) announces that she will stay with him at all times to make sure he behaves. NBC, 8:30 PM.

Grey's Anatomy: The chief's wife rushes their niece to Seattle Grace; Izzie gets an unexpected reaction when she reveals her feelings about George to a mutual friend; Derek shows Cristina how to be a better teaching resident; Norman misdiagnoses Meredith's patient. ABC, 9 PM.

The Office: Michael tries to combat his growing debt by asking employees for loans; Jim and Pam spend a night at Dwight's family farm. NBC, 9 PM.

Viva Laughlin: A freewheeling businessman tries to open a casino in Laughlin, Nev., despite seemingly insurmountable obstacles like the murder of his former business partner and a lack of financing. CBS, 10 PM.

While "Cop Rock meets Las Vegas" may not be a winning concept for many of you, it's right up my alley. Even if you don't factor in Hugh Jackman, the sexiest man on the planet. That said, it's pretty terrible. That said, I'm totally watching anyway.

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America's Next Top Model: A bunch of posers

Tonight on Top Model, fears were conquered, trash was talked, and they did an entire ice skating segment with no injuries. Also, Tyra had to reach further into her bag of bizarre ideas than ever before for a gargoyle-themed photo shoot. Which was about as weird as it sounds.

We rejoin the girls at the house, learning that Janet has appointed herself House Mom. From the looks of things, she’s sticking with the strategy of “let things get as filthy as possible until everyone realizes the error of their ways and starts cleaning up after themselves.” Or possibly just until everyone dies of botulism, or something.

Heather, bouncing right back from hearing other girls talk smack about her, is now talking smack with the best of them. In fact, it’s not even talking smack so much as brutally going through a short list of girls and naming their flaws. She ends with “Janet- she’s pretty good, she’s got a slammin’ body, but I just don’t know.” I’m going to assume that this is some sort of Aspergers social adaptation strategy where you imitate the people around you, i.e. bitch by osmosis, rather than just bitch proper.

Ambreal starts to show her personality (or rather, the editing starts to show Ambreal’s personality), and is charming, singing, and talking about how lucky she is. And now, I’m worried for Ambreal. Lisa, on the other hand, is worrying about how she tends to overthink shoots and is being generally insecure. And now, I’m worried for Lisa, too, because that’s definitely the “first name called, or in the final two” cut.

The wannabe models meet Benny Ninja at a gym full of gymnastics equipment, including a trampoline. That’s right, they’ll be posing – with emotion – in the air. These bitches suck at trampolining, yo. I’d totally kill at this. Ebony is all over the place in an awesome way, and Chantal also rocks it. Ambreal, however, uses her dance experience to totally destroy the competition.

The girls arrive at an ice skating rink, and learn that they will be posing – with emotion – while being held up by a dude who’s skating. Lloyd Eisler, a champion pairs skater, is there to help them out. But wait- it gets better! Danielle, or “Dani,” is one of the judges, along with Seventeen Magazine’s editor. The emotions the girls try and express through their poses are largely terrible. Just…terrible. Ebony’s “sorrow,” for example, is a puppy dog pouty face. And Heather is a complete disaster—the dude can barely pick her up she’s flopping all over the place so much.

Lisa wins, and will get to shoot an ad for Seventeen with “Dani.” She chooses Janet and Ebony to join her. Sarah, especially, thinks Lisa didn’t deserve to win, and is kind of loud about it in the car ride home. Ambreal is also disappointed. Hilariously, when Lisa gets home from the shoot, Bianca is all, “Is that makeup making you break out?” Like, out of nowhere. It’s awesome. Saleisha lets Lisa know that some of the girls were dissing her behind her back.

TyraMail! “When you’re on top, never look down.” Hmm…let me guess: They’ll be pretending to bang an ugly guy in their photo shoot. Oh, not so much? Fine. Instead they’ll be shooting from a rooftop, which is an unfortunate development for Ambreal and her acrophobia. They’ll be posing as – wait for it – “super duper high fashion gargoyles.” Oooh…who will play Goliath? Oh, not that kind of gargoyle? Fine. You know this show would be even more fun if I came up with the photo shoots. Though I don’t think even my twisted mind could come up with these absurd costumes. It’s like, trashy Jersey girl hair meets casino server outfit meets goth girl makeup and cape.

Heather does a great job, although the judges question whether she can break out of only doing photos in profile. Jenah is also impressive, and her final photo actually manages to be kind of classy. Her weave, it should be noted, looks super-ratty already. Kind of like after you wash a Barbie doll’s hair, you know? Sarah just doesn’t get the concept. At all. Her photo is Not Gargoyle Material. God, Sarah. If you can’t pose as a gargoyle, what kind of model could you ever be? Janet needs a lot of help with her posing, and the judges are mixed on the result. Saleisha veers a bit too Maxim, and her end photo looks fairly commercial. Tyra’s into it, though. Chantal does admirably, though her photo verges on porn-y.

Bianca also steps up, and the judges love her photo so much they want to marry it. Lisa overthinks it, as usual, and then takes it to a weird, animalistic level. The end result is very dramatic, and the judges are into it. She says her goal is to be called first. Well, now it’ll definitely be first or last. Ambreal, she of the fear of heights, can’t quite come up with more than one facial expression, and worries she’ll be going home. Me too, Ambreal. Me too. The judges aren’t feeling her photo at all. Ebony, it seems, has finally learned how to pose. Orange Jay can’t believe it, and the judges absolutely love the photo. However, she gets a lesson in smiling from Tyra at panel after she doesn’t smile at the judges.

Tyra calls Lisa’s name first (toldja!), and she’s as thrilled as Bianca is not. Bianca gets called next, though, followed by Ebony, Chantal, Jenah, Saleisha, Heather (Covergirl of the Week again!), and Sarah. That leaves us with Janet, whom the judges praised faintly, and Ambreal, who got the loser’s edit from the first minutes of tonight’s episode. Believe it or not, though, Ambreal gets another chance, and Janet is sent packing. I…what?! For reals?! Well…okay. There was a bit of foreshadowing for her, too. But jeez, it’s almost as if they’re trying to make the results unpredictable or something!

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