Friday, December 15, 2006

It's the Most Dysfunctional Time of the Year

The holidays are here! Traditionally, it's a time for family, which means that, traditionally, it's also a time for dysfunctionality. There's no way around it. Which is why I've compiled this list of some of the most dysfunctional Christmas episodes. Watching any of these episodes will instantly make you feel better about your Christmas – or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, for that matter – because at least it's not happening to you. Nothing like schadenfreude to fill you with holiday cheer, right?

  • Studio 60, "The Christmas Show": It's new, yes, but it's already reached heights of Christmas dysfunctionality that many shows will never reach, thanks to Darius, Lucy, Simon, Tom, and Andy bringing the Christmas buzzkill. Proving that Santa can't really go around the world in one night isn't a huge surprise to your audience when said audience is composed entirely of people who already figured out that Santa's handwriting looks an awful lot like Mom's. And who then decided not to care, because a present is a present.
  • Futurama, "Xmas Story" and "A Tale of Two Santas": Killer robot Santa has decided that everyone is naughty and has the firepower to enforce his view. Kwanzaabot, save us!
  • NewsRadio, "Xmas Story": Like the Futurama "Xmas Story," this episode also revolves around a killer Santa. Ripoff! (I mean the other one; this one came first.)
  • The X-Files, "How the Ghosts Stole Christmas": If there's anything less Christmasy than a suicide pact, it's discovering your own corpse moldering under the floorboards. Awkward!
  • Alias, "The Indicator": When your dad says he's "taking care of Christmas," he means he's getting you a puppy. When Jack Bristow says it, it means he's dealing with the brainwashed moppets who are being molded into future spies. Jack doesn't do puppies. Or kids. Or anything cute. (Which is why he never really hit it off with Marshall.)
  • Seinfeld, "The Strike": How can I leave this episode off the list? There's no more dysfunctional December holiday than Festivus. For crying out loud, the holiday isn't officially over until the head of the household is pinned to the ground. And if that really is your holiday tradition, have you considered Scrabble?

4 comments:

Liz said...

I must add to this list the Arrested Development episode with the Bluth Company holiday party. No killer santas, but the Bluth's do dysfunctional like no one else. I'll say no more, though, 'cause I don't want to give anything away for you.

Dylan Borgman said...

You forgot some CLASSICS. Okay, then fine I'll just post MY favorite christmas classics.

1) The Cybernetic Ghost from Christmas Past from the Future - Aqua Teen Hunger Force - that reminds me of a REALLY LONG STOR-Y...

2) Christmas with the Joker - Batman: The Animated Series - What better way to celebrate the holidays than to watch Batman battle 30 foot tall robotic nutcrackers? For some reason, Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without Batman.

3) Snowflake Day / A Very Special Holiday Episode - Clone High - Featuring JFK singing The ER EH Snowflake Day Hits Jerky Balls and I Saw Mommy Banging Snowflake Jake!

4) The Blizzard - ER - How about this classic interfaith episode where the ER staff at County General must try to sew together fifty bloody car crash victims to the soundtrack of 50's Big Band Christmas Music.

5) A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas - Family Guy - WAIT A MINUTE! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT PTERYDACTYLS HATE THE SOUND OF AN ELECTRIC GUITAR!

6) Santa Conquers the Martians - MST3K - Santa goes to Mars and teaches the Martians that the Christmas Spirit is more than anal probes.

7) In Excelsis Deo - The West Wing - This episode isn't funny, but is just a sweet episode all around. It has Bartlet talking to little children, Toby getting a homeless veteran a military funeral, and a surprisingly touching story about a gay student being brutally beaten.

8) A Woodland Critter Christmas - South Park - My absolute favorite Christmas Special EVER. Hail Satan!

Liz said...

Super-duper WORD on #s 3, 5, and 7, Dylan. Although #7 isn't necessarily dysfunctional, to be fair.

Lori said...

And I must also say "word" on #1. Yeah, nothing's more dysfunctional than an Aqua Teens Christmas. Really, an Aqua Teens anything.