America's Next Top Model: Because Picking on Weaknesses is FUN!

Last week on America's Next Top Model, the crazy bitch quotient on this show went waaay down when Monique was eliminated. Unsurprisingly, everyone seems really thrilled that Monique is gone...especially Melrose. Unfortunately, all is not joy and light for Melrose, because for some reason she'd rather sleep than have a naked shower party. I'd say she should just rest happy that no one's wiping their bodily fluids on her. Megg, in the biggest shocker this week, just wants to "rock and roll!" and have a good time. Shut up, Megg and Melrose.

The whine-fest continues as Jaeda bitches about her haircut and her look, saying that she's not sure if she's "a boy that's girly or a girl that's boy-y." How about a boy that's boy-y? Oh, and she throws in this gem: "I knew modeling was hard work, but I didn't know it was this hard." Sigh.

Anchal, it seems, is more curvy than the other girls. One of the twins earns my irritation by giving Anchal crap about "cooking for a whole family" when she's making, like, four eggs. Whatever, skinny twin.

Stacey McKenzie, a judge for Canada's Next Top Model and a "model" herself, is there to help teach the girls to do extreme editorial poses, our theme for the week. Is it just me, or is Stacey McKenzie the Ugliest Model Ever? I take back everything I ever said about Furonda--I literally had to look Stacey up on Wikipedia to make sure she was really a chick. Aaaanyways, Ugley McUglie brings in some crazy contortionist to demonstrate poses that they "have to do for high fashion." Because god knows you can't be a Top Model without being able to put your ankles behind your head (no, not THAT way). Shockingly, Melrose thinks she'll rock it. They do some yoga-type crap to practice, and Melrose is totally jealous that Anchal did a good job contorting.

Melrose takes it upon herself to tell Anchal "the reality of the situation," that she eats a lot but doesn't work out regularly. Bitch! Later, the twins (who are rapidly making their way onto my bad side), Melrose, and Jaeda hang out in the hot tub, where Melrose says that Anchal's "putting on a big fat front" by pretending to lack confidence. Nice choice of words, Melrose.

They continue to talk smack behind Anchal's back, especially Melrose, who says she initially thought Anchal "was one of the stiffest competitions here," but has since changed her mind. Anchal is a "competition"? Nice choice of words, Jade. Jaeda thinks Anchal really might not know how gorgeous she is, but Melrose keeps up the bitch talk. Anchal, on the balcony above, overhears them and starts to cry. This is getting to be a really cry-heavy season, but I guess Anchal's justified. A.J., comforting Anchal, calls the other girls fake. She's not a Melrose fan.

In a totally pointless segment, the girls go out to dinner and are joined by Twiggy, Melrose's HERO, who talks about being unique, or at least tries to as Melrose crawls up her butt.

Bao Tranchi, a designer "well known" (but not by me) for her "decadent collections" meets the girls at a gallery or something. The girls are going to do "extreme poses" and become an art installation wearing fancy jewelry and Bao's clothes. Melrose: "Bao says she wants this fanticiful [sic] fairy" who's nice and sweet "but also a complete bitch." Um...yeah. Whatever, Melrose.

The poor girls have to hold these crazy uncomfortable-looking positions with a bunch of people looking at them. Eugena does really well and wins all the fancy jewelry. Melrose, somewhat hilariously, explains to the other girls that she didn't win because she wasn't smiling enough. Yeah, Melrose. That's it. Megg wants her to shut up. Megg and I are actually in agreement...damn.

In today's pointless "My Life as a Covergirl" spot, "Dani" throws the first pitch at Camden Yards. Um, yay Orioles (really, YAY!), but is that really a big part of the life of a supermodel?

Tyra, who can smell bitch a mile away (much like Joanie), joins the girls in their house. She wants to talk about fear, a subject very important to Tyra. What's made the girls feel insecure? Melrose is insecure about being old, and Tyra and I agree that this is a mad, mad world if 23 is old. Jaeda is STILL harping on the hair.

Tyra cuts to the chase and asks about in-house bitchiness. Melrose bullshits a bit about her own bitchiness, and Anchal steps up and talks about hearing the girls dissing her behind her back. Jaeda, contradicting her earlier statement and really apropos to nothing, posits that Anchal's no confidence thing is an act. Tyra tells Anchal to stand up for herself and not let Melrose get in her head. Learn from Brooke's mistakes, Anchal! Melrose feels singled out as "the mean one." Um, if you don't want to be seen as mean, maybe next time you shouldn't jump in and excuse your meanness in front of Tyra as soon as the subject of bitchery comes up.

The girls go to...the circus! They meet Jay Manuel, who explains that they'll be doing a moody turn-of-the-century circus freak shoot. AWESOME. At the shoot is a special guest: The Editor-In-Chief of Seventeen Magazine. After the shoot, Megg thinks she's out. I wouldn't be that sorry, Megg. Her hair looks like some frizzy crap, too. Jaeda also says she feels like she'll be going home, but you can tell she's lying.

At judging, Tyra proclaims that the girls are actually all dressed like real models tonight. The Seventeen editor is the guest judge. Sadly, there's no challenge at judging this week. Boo.

A.J. is "The Cannibal," and she does a great job. The judges love her contorted pose, her energy, and her intensity. It's a pretty scary shot, and the judges think she screams "model." Brooke, as "Rubber Girl," isn't as good. She has good body language, but a bad face. This seems to be a recurring theme for Brooke in my mind, if not in the judges'. The Twins are, unsurprisingly, "Siamese Twins." ...With giant, giant frizzy hair. Eighties Siamese twins. The judges think the picture is fine, but one of them has a lighting issue that makes her chin look big.
Megg, "The Bearded Lady," turns in what I think is the worst Top Model photo I've ever seen. Seriously, it's terrible, and not just 'cause she has a beard. The pose sucks, and Megg starts crying during judging, saying she's disappointed in her photo. Oh, Megg. You're so fucked. ALWAYS wait until the judges say they totally hate the picture before you bring out the tears, at least. The judges say she just can't take a good picture, but Seventeen lady likes her.

CariDee, on the other hand, has a GREAT photo as "The Elephant Woman" (with a trunk and tusks instead of giant tumors). She's got a great pose, a great face, and totally rocks it, even with the big prosthesis on. Eugena has another animal-themed photo, as "Bird Woman." The judges like her eye contact and her in-person presence. The photo's okay, but the judges think it may be a lucky shot, since the rest of her shoot wasn't very good. Miss Jay practices her bird impressions.

Anchal, you know, the girl with weight concerns, portrays the "Giant Lady." Harsh, producers. Harsh. She does better in her shoot after a pep talk, but doesn't manage to make herself look giant enough, despite her enormous, enormous size. According to the judges, she looks beautiful because she's a beautiful girl who takes beautiful pictures, but she doesn't look like a model.

Jaeda gets a similarly mean assignment: the "Strong Woman," with giant masculine muscles. Her picture is only okay. It took a lot of effort to coach her, and Tyra doesn't like the snarly face (which, HA, was based on Jay's suggestion to imitate a Tyra photo hanging in the house). Seventeen lady did NOT like her, and says they had to push her too much. I think Twiggy's catching on to the whole man thing when she calls Jaeda "too masculine," but it turns out she just thought the drawn-on abs were real.

Hee hee, Melrose is a woman with an "Old Face/Young Body." They had to make up a kind of freak to exploit her weakness! Did they even need makeup? Sigh...she did great, though. Yeah, she looks ridiculous, but the judges love it.

CariDee, Eugena, A.J., Melrose, Michelle, Anchal, Amanda, and Brooke are in. It's down to Jaeda and Megg, and I'm happy either way. Aaand...it's "ROCK AND ROLL!!!" Megg. A.J. and Anchal are especially sad, but I'm happy. Megg plans on being a musician/model. Is that a real thing? And wow, as they review her pictures for us, I realize how much she really did suck. Yikes.

Next week: Michelle sort of comes out of the closet, and JANICE DICKENSON!!!