CSI: Federline Ruins Everything

I had a week to get ready for something really bad to happen to Greg. I saw the promos all week: "A CSI becomes a witness, a hero, and a victim." I knew what was going to happen from pretty much the first five minutes, once the gang started beating people. But I wasn't prepared. Knowing actually made it worse. Seeing Greg prance around in his suit, watching as Grissom sent him out into the field alone; the entire set-up left me curled up on my couch, chewing on my nails. This is rare example of previews actually not ruining the episode. What did almost ruin the episode is the festering black hole of suck that is Kevin Federline, but we'll get to that.

The most heartbreaking scene ever starts out with Greg on his way to a scene, passing an alley where he sees a beating in progress. He calls it in and, after a moment, decides he's got to do something. So he drives into the alley, horn blaring, but it's not until he flicks on the siren that the gang scatters. All except for one guy, who picks up a rock. And at first it seems that he's going to finish off the victim, but then he comes at Greg. So Greg hits him first – with the CSImobile. (In Greg's defense, it is a big rock.) And it's at this point that the other gang members materialize out of the night to drag him out of the car and commence a serious beating. You guys, Greg gets beat down. Down to the ground. And it's extremely painful to watch. It makes the time he got blown up look like an ice cream social. He's really not safe anywhere, is he?

And then, the second most heartbreaking scene ever. Sara, who is probably Greg's best friend on the team, comes to the scene. Greg has been stabilized, but he's still just lying in the middle of the alley (Ambulance, people! Look into it!), and Sara goes to kneel down by him. As she strokes his hair, he tells her about all the evidence they should be able to get from the scene: paint transfer on the CSImobile, skin cells under his fingernails from when he scratched one of the attackers. Sara tells him to shut up: "I came here for you, Greg." Awww! (Oh, stop screaming, Grissom/Sara shippers. She's not going to leave Grissom for him, so why can't you just relax and enjoy the sweet scene?)

The other CSIs are upset too, because while Greg may be an annoying little brother, he's still their little brother, and no one picks on him except for them, and maybe Hodges. Nick channels his anger productively by punching Kevin Federline in the gut. Of course, you don't have to be lashing out in grief and rage to want to punch Kevin Federline, so it could just be the "greasy, talentless slug" thing that sets Nick off. Whatever the reason, Nick's instincts are uncanny, because K-Fed, his own worthless self, turns out to be the ringleader of the gang and the only one who can be charged as an adult. As well he should be, because he's nearly thirty.

The guy Greg hit dies, and it's clearly the beginning of something big. Because you don't bring Vicellous Shannon on just to glare at Greg over his brother's dead body. Oh, no, not Keith Palmer. There is going to be some serious retribution, either street-style or civil litigation-style. Although, good luck winning a civil suit against the hero CSI with a face that looks like raw hamburger.

You know, it's too bad. This could have been an excellent episode. Instead, it's merely great, and it's Federline's fault. Why they chose to have this particular bit of stunt casting in such an important, emotional episode is beyond me. It was a distraction, because he's famous for nothing except being famous, and a detraction, because he can't act. They really should have gotten someone to play Pig who was closer to a teenager and who could project some actual menace. K-Fed? Well, he's nothing if not an actor, and he's not an actor.