America's Next Top Model: Thin = Sexy!

Last week on America's Next Top Model, tragedy struck and an increasingly uncommitted A.J. was sent home. Also, Michelle is sorta maybe gay.

This week, Eugena takes up the bitch mantle, giving Melrose a much-deserved break. Eugena interviews that she's getting sick and tired of all the other girls. Well, Eugena, keep working those dead eyes of yours during photo shoots, and you won't have to put up with them much longer!

Oh, and Anchal is still self-conscious about her enormously obese body. I mean, what, is she 115 lbs? 120?! Cow. Brooke gets a package from home with some "Congratulations, Graduate!" stuff and a copy of her diploma. Seems she's missing her high school graduation (And prom! Oh, the horrors!) to participate in this bitchfest.

Melrose wanders outside and discovers a Tyra photo shoot in the backyard! They show us some examples from Tyra's portfolio as a photographer, and they're all pretty much the exact same photo. Black and white, close-up profiles with the subject looking up and away. That Tyra's got some mad skillz. The mood of this week's shoot will be angry/evil, with crazy zombie hair, spooky pale eyes and cat eyes, and scary makeup.

Jaeda whines about how freaky she looks. Apparently, she likes to be "the pretty girl." (Oh, the irony.) Amanda needs a pep talk from Tyra to stop being so nervous and uncomfortable, and it seems to help. CariDee hams it up and does a great job. Love!

After the shoot, the girls travel to a theater where they meet their makeup artist Sutan's sexy alter ego, who is gonna teach them how to be sex-ay. They also meet Dita Von Teese, an apparently famous burlesque performer. Whatever, shrieking girls. You don't know who she is any more than I do. She does a mini-strip tease and hops into a giant martini glass. Hot!

Dita wisely warns the girls against trying too hard, and tells them to use their props well. And thus I've had the "You've gotta get a gimmick" song from Gypsy stuck in my head since last night. If you want to bump it, bump it with a trumpet! All the girls have to go onstage and bring the sexy. Michelle looks incredibly awkward, and Melrose fails to master the "subtle, not stripper" aesthetic, as Eugena points out.

Jaeda, in a shocking turn of events, finds it hard to be sexy with short hair. How can I say this clearly? SHUT UP, JAEDA. Dita reminds them all that confidence is sexy...Anchal. And holy shit, Jaeda is bitching about her hair AGAIN. Eugena is as sick as I am of hearing about it.

Cathy Gould, director of Elite Model Management, meets the girls with "supermodel" Kylie Bax. Cathy is throwing a private party, and the girls are "on the menu." Wait, is this the CW or Cinemax? Never mind, the dining room table simply doubles as a runway, and the girls have to walk down it with props, trying to be sexy and impress the guests seated at the table. Yeah, it's weird. And the girls' styling is very eighties/early nineties, which, as we all know, is the sexiest era of all.

This is a situation where it's virtually impossible NOT to look awkward. Do the girls even have music to walk to? They all look pretty ridiculous to me, and Cathy picks on Anchal specifically, saying she needs to be in better shape. Um...if we're going with the burlesque aesthetic here, isn't Anchal actually the sexiest?

Melrose, as the winner of this challenge, gets an editorial spread in Seventeen. She picks Brooke, Michelle, and Amanda to join her. Eugena's very sour grapes about it, but CariDee (while looking slightly bitter, since she was second-best), says that if Melrose was the best she deserves it.

Brooke fits right in with Seventeen's style, and Melrose makes the exact point I would have made, which is that it's ironic she (the oldest contestant) is going to be in Seventeen. You guys, I'm totally starting to like her more. Sigh. Welcome to the coveted "Most Hated by Liz" spot, Jaeda.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Anchal and CariDee chat about Anchal's "weight problem," and CariDee gives her very sensible advice about eating healthily. Go, CariDee! Oh, right, and "Dani" goes on a go-see at American Eagle Outfitters. Whatever.

After reading a weirdly pornographic Tyra Mail, the girls head off to meet Jay Manuel, who tells them they'll be posing for romance novel covers. Oh, SWEET. And, even sweeter, the guest star is Fabio! His torso is weirdly enormous, and his hair is just as fabulously hilarious as ever.

CariDee does a great job as a peasant girl in love with a rich man, and Fabio's totally into her. Her talent, I mean. He's into her talent. Her spooky photo, which Tyra shot earlier, is also pretty good, and Tyra loves how much CariDee committed to getting a good shot. In an intriguing twist, Amanda (the straight twin) is leaving her man for another woman. She (as the straight twin) has trouble getting into character, and Fabio thinks she's nervous. Her photo turns out well, though, and the judges really think she stepped it up. Her spooky photo is GREAT--very haunting.

Michelle plays a woman with a secret love child, and Fabio looks really, really old next to her. It's totally creepy. Her picture is only so-so, which she blames on her lack of experience in bed with other people. Tyra kind of weirdly talks about how when she was a 15-year-old virgin model, she still know how to pose sexily in bed with men, or something. Michelle's spooky shot is pretty good, though, and she gets props from the judges for posing outside the box, with her tongue sticking out a bit.

Anchal plays Cleopatra, and Fabio keeps rubbing his mouth on her face. Poor Anchal! But she "grabbed the bull by the horns," according to Jay (is that what they're calling it these days?), and did a great job. The film was a little "hoochie," though, according to Tyra. Her spooky shot is fine, but really rests on her pretty face and the makeup.

Eugena and Fabio are secret lovers caught in the act, and it's hoochie-tastic. Jay makes a Cat on a Hot Tin Roof joke about "no-neck monsters." Awesome! Unfortunately, Eugena doesn't seem to be going for it enough, and is totally unlikable in front of the panel, according to Tyra. Cathy Gould, the guest judge, questions whether she really wants it. Look out, Eugena! Her body in the Fabio shot is fine, but her face is lame-o. Dead Eyes strike again, although she does manage strong eyes through the crazy contacts in the spooky shot.

Jaeda is being seduced by Fabio the vampire, and produces a very "feh" shot. She was understandably grossed out by Fabio nibbling on her ear, and the judges call her on the shot's weakness. Maybe she wasn't comfortable posing with another dude, judges. Ever think of that? Her scary shot is intensely angry. She was SO thinking about her haircut!

Brooke's playing a woman who doesn't want Fabio to leave her, and laments being forced into adulthood by a photo shoot with Fabio. Um, it's not that kind of shoot, Brooke. Even if you did say he's "thick as a tree." She pulls what may be a Kellie Pickler when the girls suggest that Fabio must have girls over all the time, and he jokes that he's a virgin. Brooke's all, "Really? Me too!" For reals, Brooke? You really think Fabio is a virgin? Methinks Brooke knows good and well what a ballsy is, and is just trying to seem innocent and cute. If you know what I'm saying. And you probably don't if you didn't watch American Idol last season, so you probably think I'm being dirty. I'm not. Stop rambling, Liz. Okay. Brooke's romance shot is good body-wise, but bad face-wise (Dead Eyes!). The spooky photo is pretty good.

Melrose plays a madam in a brothel. Okay, aside from the different costumes, virtually all of these shoots have consisted of girls on top of Fabio or Fabio pressed against girls, with Fabio smooshing his mouth against their faces. And no bodice-ripping at all! What the hell, Fabio? Yeah, Melrose rocks it. The shoot is kind of uncomfortably sexy, though. I mean, ew! Old! And not just Melrose, either. (Rimshot!) Nigel, of course, loves the straight-up sexy shot, but Tyra says that kind of obvious sexiness is easy. Melrose brings it on the spooky shot, but Tyra's raising the bar, and thinks it's not the best she can do.

The judges deliberate solo. They love CariDee, but think she tries too hard. Amanda stepped it up this week, but Michelle stepped it...down. The judges feel that Anchal's almost too pretty, and doesn't know how to use her beauty. Um, it's not like a power you can use for good or for evil, guys. It's just there. ...Or is it? Anyway, they think Eugena and Jaeda are inconsistent, and Brooke, despite improvement, is still too "beauty queen." The judges worry that Melrose can't do weird/freaky, and Miss Jay suggests she's more comfortable being "the lady of the night." Ha, he just called her a ho!

Amanda (most improved!), CariDee, Anchal, Melrose, Jaeda, and Michelle are in. It's down to Brooke and Eugena, and I assume Eugena's out, which means that Brooke is the one who's actually out. Because I'm always wrong. And on the night of her high school graduation, too! Harsh. Tyra reminds her that all the girls graduating at her school would rather be here (implied: here with Tyra) than at graduation. Brooke interviews that she didn't see it coming at all, although now that we're looking back through all her pictures, she probably should have. CariDee is Covergirl of the week, and rightfully so. CariDee, I dub thee My Favorite.