Friday, October 20, 2006

America's Next Top Model: Double Goddammit.

Last Wednesday, Megg sucked hardcore and got tossed out on her "Rock and Roll!" ass. A.J., who was really close to Megg, is pretty sad that she's gone. Melrose has a heart of stone, and won't cry for anyone going home unless it's her. So hopefully we'll see Melrose crying this week.
Continuing the post-elimination talkfest, Jaeda whines about how much s/he sucks, and I agree with her wholeheartedly. Go home, Jaeda. Your personality is obnoxious, your looks are- well, you're a dude, and your pictures have been incredibly unimpressive.

Eugena (the ever-observant one) informs us that the twins, apparently, are two different people! With distinct personalities and everything! Amanda's the more reserved of the two, and Michelle's the more coming-halfway-out-of-the-closet of the two. Yep, Michelle tells a couple of the girls that she thinks she might be gay, but doesn't want it to be a big deal. Riiiight. Have you seen the show, Michelle?

The girls head out to be edumacated. Mark Steines, the co-host of Entertainment Tonight, meets them in a studio, where he'll be teaching them what a good interview is all about. Twist alert! They'll be interviewing him! Oh, Tyra, will these delightful surprises never fail to keep me on the edge of my seat?

CariDee cements her status as one of my favorites by being very funny, but Jaeda is so nervous she can't even interview him. A.J. also gets a bit of stage fright, cementing her status as one of my favorites by saying, "I don't like just running up to people I don't know and probing them and questioning them." Probing. Heh. Melrose is disgustingly perky, which is impressive given the incredibly obvious "We hope you fail!" vibe that the other girls are sending her.

Back at the Batcave, Michelle is feeling angsty about her semi-coming-out, and Amanda is worried about her. Michelle, however, is worried about Amanda, because she's keeping to herself a lot. I, for my part, am worried that I will mix them up and totally wrongly describe a conversation between the two of them.

Tyra Mail! I love how they always try and guess what the Tyra Mail says, and are never, EVER right. It's one of the constants that keep this show great. The girls arrive at Geoff Thomas designs, where a new line of jewelry or something is being unveiled tonight. They are going to interview Janice Dickenson on the red carpet "for Entertainment Tonight." Um, jewelry lines get red carpet ceremonies with "supermodels" and Entertainment Tonight?

CariDee has a total mental block when it comes to the phrase "over the top," and instead of wisely giving up and calling Janice something else, she settles on "overpungent." HA! Brooke, trying to warm Janice up and get her on Brooke's side, decides to go with the question, "What makes you so bitchy?" A.J. wears a stupid, stupid dog-chewed pink sweater sleeve-looking thing on her head, and Janice makes her take it off. A.J. totally loses her cool and can't do the interview. Amanda and Jaeda also tank.

Melrose, sickeningly, does a pretty good job, and wins the challenge. Janice, sensing a fellow crazy bitch in Melrose, agrees that she blew everyone away. Goddammit. The prize is to interview CW stars on the red (or perhaps ugly mottled CW green?) carpet at a launch party, or something. The girls claim they're happy they didn't win, because they don't like the prize. Yeah, whatever, guys. Melrose ends up doing a fantastic job with the interviews, obnoxiously enough.

The next morning, Tyra stops by and wakes the girls up to give them "guidance," which I'm completely confident she would have done even if Michelle hadn't just (sort of) come out of the closet. Just like she would've done the "who's a bitch in the house?" interview last week if Melrose hadn't been an enormous bitch. This time, she does one-on-one interviews, all the better for crying and backstabbing which will be used against you in judging.

A.J.'s first up, and Tyra asks what's troubling her. A.J. takes the bait and rats out Melrose for being a bitch. In Melrose's interview, Tyra asks if the other girls are intimidated by her, and Melrose says that yes, in fact, her confidence can be intimidating. She claims she's scared to be vulnerable, but she's still strong. Well-played, Melrose. Eugena starts crying as she talks about how hard it is to let her emotions out. CariDee tries to compete with other, much better sob stories as she tells Tyra that until recently, she had psoriasis (a skin disease) covering 70-80% of her body. Gross, but not good enough, CariDee.

Michelle, amazingly enough, manages to avoid the lesbian talk, but says she's worried about Amanda. Amanda says she's (understandably) afraid to share too much of herself on the show, and thus comes across as very reserved. Additionally, she's (also understandably) scared for Michelle, who has shared her uncertain sexual orientation with all of America.

This week on "My Life as a Covergirl," "Dani" manages to top throwing the first pitch at a baseball game in terms of sheer mundane non-modelness by...getting her nails done. Ooh, the excitement!

Back in the house, Amanda and Michelle call their parents so that Michelle can come out. Michelle tells her mom that she told everyone she might be gay, and her mom just asks if she's okay, which seems to upset Michelle. In the end, though, her mom ends up being really sweet and understanding, as is Amanda.

Finally, it's time for this week's photo shoot, where they'll be posing with themselves as celebrity couples. Yay! I love when they pose with themselves, and the celebrity couple thing has the potential for total hilarity.

Eugena portrays Beyonce and Jay-Z. It is, indeed, hilarious. She dances and everything. But is it weird that she's a more convincing Jay-Z than she is a Beyonce? Twiggy actually doesn't know who Jay-Z is, and the judges point out that Eugena has the old Dead-Eye as Beyonce. They love her Jay-Z, but Nigel notices that she's wearing sunglasses (thus avoiding the Dead-Eye issue). The sunglasses are also a big advantage in looking like the celebrity, FYI. Not that this fact will be important later when certain of my favorites don't have sunglasses and get eliminated, or anything.

Anchal is also hilarious, portraying Oprah (good job) and Stedman Graham (oy, the wig). Tyra thinks that whoever did the hair and makeup for Anchal/Stedman "should be shot." And don't think it won't happen!

CariDee, portraying Brangelina, makes a totally hot Brad Pitt, and an extraordinarily convincing Angelina Jolie. AND she has to work with a crying child. The judges are rightly impressed.

A.J. struggles as Marc Anthony and J-Lo, disadvantaged by the lack of sunglasses to hide behind. Seriously? She's bad. The judges think she was a cheesy J-Lo, and a boring Marc Anthony. What the hell, A.J.?

Brooke is K-Fed (HA!) and Britney. Even though she has to pose with a big python as Britney (unfair!), she does a good job, taking what I'd call her first decent photo. She makes a disturbingly good K-Fed, actually, and even proves she's a better rapper than he is during judging (yeah, doesn't take much).

Jaeda is Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. She feels comfortable as Bobby, which is unsurprising since she's a dude. And wow, she looks like SUCH a drag queen with the Whitney wig on. Seriously, she could be a Whitney impersonator at a bad drag show off the Vegas Strip, or something. The judges agree that she was great as Bobby, but not so hot as Whitney.

Michelle, in a stunning coincidence which Amanda calls "ironic," is portraying Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi. She makes a great Ellen, totally nailing the dance moves, and a pretty good Portia. The picture is fab.

Amanda portrays Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. I kind of don't get why Demi has to be in a bikini for this shot, but damn is that girl skinny. She hams it up as Ashton, which Jay Manuel loves, as do the judges.

Melrose wraps it up as Melania Trump and The Donald. And you guys, she's awesome. She totally does the Donald pursed lips thing, and is hilarious in a great way. Godammit, Melrose! Stop doing such a great job! A.J. is NOT loving that the judges are loving it.

The guest judge this week is Matthew Jordan Smith, the shoot's photographer. The challenge is to watch a video of a Top Model finale party red carpet show, and provide live commentary with their point of view. Jaeda, A.J., and Anchal fail miserably. Brooke, CariDee, and Melrose do a good job.

The judges deliberate alone. They don't think Melrose seems like a real model, but recognize that she turns it on when she needs to. They're still lukewarm on Eugena, they think Jaeda and Anchal lack confidence, and they LOVE CariDee. They feel that Brooke turned in a strong picture and performance this week, but A.J. isn't comfortable with less edgy, more glamorous shots. They still believe Amanda has potential, but think Michelle is the twin that rocked it the hardest this week.

In: Brooke, Melrose, Amanda, CariDee, Michelle, Eugena, and Anchal. It's down to Jaeda and A.J. No suspense here, right? A.J. was the best out of everyone last week, and is probably the best walker in the bunch. Jaeda, on the other hand, is a whiny, insecure dude who hasn't had a great picture yet. A.J. smiles ruefully and Jaeda remains expressionless as Tyra tells them that the judges aren't sure A.J. wants it enough, and that Jaeda just seemed defeated.

Aaaand...A.J.'s going home. Um, WHAT?! She's been awesome up to this point. What the HELL?! Jesus Christ. She actually thinks she was eliminated for the right reasons. I disagree (as does America, since she was Covergirl of the week!), but whatever. I'll just assume that they're keeping Jaeda around for the big "She's a man, baby!" reveal that's sure to happen next week. Goddammit.