Desperate Housewives: Midseason Finale

Last time on Desperate Housewives, as you may recall, a tornado hit Wisteria Lane. Of course, you may not recall, since it feels like it aired a million years ago. Unfortunately, tonight's first-rate episode was the last one you're going to see for a while, since it was the only remaining pre-strike installment. Plus side: At least we got some post-tornado answers and closure. Minus side: We also got a big, juicy, mysterious cliffhanger. Sigh...

First things first, I suppose. The survivors: Lynette's entire family (not even Marc Cherry is that cruel), Carlos, Bob and Lee (whom I had assumed a sleep-deprived Susan killed right around the Great Fountain Brawl of '07, since we hadn't seen them in a while), and pretty much everyone else you'd expect. The not-so-lucky: Victor, Ida, Sylvia the Stalker, and the aforementioned fountain. Oh, and Carlos's accountant, Al. Ruh-roh.

Gabby: Having begun the season involved with two rich men, Gabby now finds herself much less well-off. She's been cut out of Victor's will, since his father controls the family money and was aware of the affair. In fact, he kicks her out of the funeral after threatening to tell the entire congregation that she's a "cheating, lying whore." SNAP! And I gotta say, while Dad's right that she doesn't look too broken up, he doesn't seem very upset either. Unluckily, Gabby doesn't have any better luck with Carlos's money, since the accountant is dead, and his widow shredded all the files involving off-shore accounts.

Unfortunately for Gabby, and more unfortunately for Carlos, that's far from the worst of it. Initially, they're all, "we're together for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health." And it's touching and adorable. But oh, burn, a bandaged and hospitalized Carlos hasn't told Gabby yet that he's blind. His doctor thinks Carlos should give her a little credit. Carlos: "You don't know Gabby." True that, Carlos. True that. This should be interesting.

Lynette and Mrs. McCulskey: After finding out that Ida saved her children's lives by making them take shelter under the stairs, even though there wasn't room under there for her, Lynette is determined to do right by her in death, as she didn't in life. Fun fact: Ida was a pro baseball player during WWII! Thus, Lynette saves Ida's ashes from her money-grubbing niece and nephew so that she and Mrs. McCulskey can scatter them at the baseball field, per Ida's wishes.

Of course, Lynette is involved, so it's a madcap caper in which Lynette switches Ida's ashes out with vacuum cleaner dust, breaks into the park at night, and dumps the ashes all over the field while running away from the surprisingly large security force. Mrs. McCluskey did get a chance to read a nice poem first, though, so that's something. The whole thing is a little touching, a little funny, and a little gross (ashes everywhere). And Lynette and Mrs. McCluskey get in some much-needed bonding, so all's well that ends well, I suppose. Unless you're Ida.

Bree and Susan: Bree, Orson, and baby are staying with Susan and Julie (Mike's in rehab for a month) while their house is roofless. Susan: "Please, this is what best friends do! (...Right before their friendship ends.)" Ha! But what first seems to be certain disaster turns into awesomeness for Susan and Julie as Bree cooks their meals, cleans their house, and does their laundry. Unfortunately (and I seem to be saying that a lot tonight), there's trouble on the horizon for everyone involved.

Bree's contractor, whom Bob and Lee referred her to, backs out after finding out that his ex moved in with some other guy. And contractors are understandably a rare commodity post-tornado. Thus, some gay matchmaking is necessary. Unfortunately, Walter is a three, and Bob and Lee only know nines. "And in the gay world, three doesn't go into nine." -Lee (hee!). "Well, we'll just have to find him someone who's not good at gay math." -Bree (hee!!). OH MY GOD, is she going to whore out Andrew?

Answer: YES, and it leads to the most awkward dinner party EVER. Actual line: "Oh, I can only imagine the fun you two would have in a boot shop." -Orson, after Bree mentions Walter and Andrew's shared love of boots. Once he realizes he's being set up, Andrew demands a flat screen TV in exchange for flirting with Walter to raise his self-esteem and thus get Bree's roof fixed. Julie overhears, and Susan is Not On Board--she wants Bree to stay forever, and I can see why. "I've had a taste of ironed pillowcases, and I'm NOT going back!" Man, that's like sleeping in a four-star hotel!

Thus, she sneaks downstairs and torpedoes the dinner party with remarks about Andrew's predilection for hot young guys, and his and Walter's vast age difference. After implying that people will assume Walter is "paying for it," the evening is pretty much sunk (Susan and subtlety don't exactly go hand in hand). And Bree's pissed. Susan confesses that Bree's presence is really helping her to hold things together with her pregnancy and Mike in rehab. Bree understands and offers chocolate chip cookies, and thus Bree is finally the mother to Susan that neither of them ever was to their own children. Aww.

Last but certainly not least, Katherine and Adam: Unsurprisingly to no one, Katherine hasn't quite gotten over the revelation that Adam slept with Sylvia back in Chicago. She kicks him out, but not before he finds The Note while packing up his stuff. You know, the presumably incriminating one Aunt Lily wrote while on her deathbed, which has been sitting under said deathbed, gathering dust and making us impatient, for what seems like years. Adam subsequently informs Katherine that he's leaving her, because she out-betrayed him by blaming "what happened" on her ex-husband when it was actually her fault. Blaming what?! What did the note say?? Argh!

After Adam leaves, Katherine burns the note, but Dylan overheard enough to go sifting through the fireplace ashes, and pieces together the fragments. (Least effective fire ever?) According to Mary Alice, in the note she finds the truth she's been looking for, but wishes she hadn't. What truth?! Damn you, producers! Go back to the table and negotiate now, so that we can find out what the heck happened in that house!

I guess that's it for now, folks. Sorry! It's been fun! (A lot more fun this season than in the past two seasons, specifically.)