Project Runway: I Miss Alison!

[Hey, guys: I’m trying a bit of a different format from last week. Namely, much longer…more of a full recap. Please let me know what you think, and if you’d prefer it to be more short and snappy next week! Non-PR fans, scroll way down for other new content! Okay, here we go…]

Well, it’s been a long couple months, but we’re finally down to the final five! …OR SO WE THOUGHT. (Cue ominous music)

Heidi greets the contestants on the runway, and appears to be wearing a giant silk handkerchief fashioned into some sort of sack dress. Has she completely lost the ability to dress herself when not in her third trimester? The “final five” find out that they will be attending a party, with surprise guests (ominous music), where they will find out what the new challenge will be.

Aaaand…JESUS CHRIST. The guests are freaking Vincent and Angela, the two most annoying, useless, undeserving wastes of space of the season. And they’re back in the competition! AND ALISON IS STILL GONE!!! Supposedly, these two losers (and I mean that only in the sense that they actually lost…and in the sense that they lose at life) get to come back because they’d won challenges before, and the other auf’d contestants hadn’t.

Three contestants will be eliminated this week, and the only way Angela or Vincent can stay is to win (yeah, right). At this point I start shaking my fist at the ceiling and cursing Heidi Klum and her blasted twists. And Angela is wearing one of her goddamn bubble skirts, probably just to spite me.

Kayne hits the nail on the head: “It’s like cockroaches. You step on them once, and they just keep on crawling around.” I was going to go with zits that come back after you pop them, but I can go with cockroaches. Right on, sister friend.

The challenge is to make black and white cocktail dresses. Foolishly, I think to myself, “That’s not so bad,” thereby bringing about the next twist: They must use ALL the fabric they buy at Mood—even the scraps. WILL THE MADNESS NEVER STOP???

Laura tells Angela that she thinks it’s somewhat unfair that Angela gets to return, since she only won a team competition. Laura is so right. And not just ‘cause I hate Angela. Her win would never, ever had been possible without Laura and Michael on her team. Had it just been Angela on her own, the outfit would have been covered with fleurchons like warts on a toad. (Sorry, toads.)

Kayne claims he’s going for an “edited” look, and I fervently hope he succeeds. Laura interviews that she’s really starting to doubt herself after the last challenge. I start to worry. But not as much as I worry about Uli when she grabs some crazy black and white prints at Mood and says she’s going for a “Hippie beach party cocktail dress.” DANGER, Will Robinson, DANGER!

I can’t stop laughing at Angela’s concept: a leather shrug with an “Edwardian collar” lined with ivory charmeuse. That’s just…yeah. There’s no way that’s going to turn out well. And Vincent accidentally purchased extra fabric. At this point, I relax a little and stop worrying that either of these two could actually make it through to next week and continue to make my eyes (Angela) and ears (Vincent) bleed. Jeffrey and I are possibly in agreement for the first time ever: We “never ever ever ever ever EVER wanted to see Angela again.”

As he works, Vincent starts talking about how “the more things progress, the more you see the true nature of things. It’s starting to get a little too ugly for my taste.” Like he never left! Um, it WAS ugly, Vincent. Remember your dress from last week? That’s the very definition of ugly. Then, you left, and for five minutes it was less ugly. Now you are back, and yes, it’s probably “starting to get a little too ugly” again. But that’s really no one’s fault but your own, dude.

Michael is worried about Kayne, but in a nice, constructive way. And now I am worried about Kayne in an actually worried way. In other worrying news, Laura’s model tries to advise her on making the dress more youthful.

At the commercial break, a special treat! Zach Braff introduces a special sneak preview of The Last Kiss, and he does a Tim Gunn impersonation! It’s like two of my favorite people in one!

The designers all get makeup consultations with Collier Strong, who gets to prove that he knows how to do more than a smoky eye and a natural look for day. I suspect that he feels the same way about Angela as I do, since he suggests a crazy Chinese opera look for her model.

And now, it’s Tim Time: Jeffrey appears to be making pleather leggings. Kayne may be totally screwed, since he ignored the rules and made his outfit black, instead of black and white. Tim thinks Michael’s is okay, but may look a bit unfinished and (yikes) see-through. Angela’s doesn’t fit her model well, and she has time issues. Laura is worried about not being able to design young. Her confidence was severely shaken last week, and the pregnancy is clearly affecting her emotions (she’s crying and exhausted). I have to say, no one’s looking like a home run at this point.

Kayne thinks he “dropped the ball a little bit,” but “still rocked it out.” I remain worried. Jia, Vincent’s model, has been in an accident, and he’ll have a replacement model for the runway. A model too big for his dress. Don’t make it work, Vincent! Jeffey is confident and feels like he had a “fresh idea” (there’s a shocker). Kayne thinks Jeffrey’s looks “costume-y and cheap,” and I say this with love, but coming from Kayne, that’s a bad sign.

Tim does a scrap inspection. People seem to be making purses and other accessories out of everything bigger than a postcard. Uli actually makes a kind of awesome necklace. Onward to the runway…

Great. Now Heidi’s wearing a crazy glittery skirt and a lumpy satin blazer. What the hell, Heidi? Zac Posen is the special guest judge. Go here if you find my my fashion-ignorant descriptions lacking, and need pictures (I didn't want to make this even longer than it was).

Angela: Um…is the giant popped collar made entirely of fleurchons? With a weird-ass leather back? And a goddamn fleurchon in the cleavage?! You suck, Angela. I can't even describe how crazy this "cocktail dress" is. You need visual evidence:

Kayne: A pretty simple black dress. Very modern, open in the back, but the only white is some tacked-on trim on the back.

Laura: Very identifiably Laura, but still a bit of a departure for her (no plunging neckline, for example). It’s black lace on white fabric with fringe at the bottom, and a square neckline.

Michael: A white dress with an asymmetrical neckline and a cool black cummerbund-type belt thing with black flowers made of a plastic-y material.

Jeffrey: Kind of a rockabilly, urban chic look. White fabric with varying densities of black dots, a black belt, and yes, it turns out, pleather leggings. It seems a bit trashy, and not much like a cocktail dress.

Uli: Actually a little too much print for me, especially when combined with the big fabric necklace. It also has big bell sleeves with ruffles. I don’t love it.

Vincent: Um…is that a cape? Or a scarf? Scape? He seems to have made it with his extra fabric. The dress seems overly tiny and overly simple. You can’t make a dress that short and strapless, dude.

They all stay to be interrogated. Zac loves Michael’s dress, and Nina loves his styling. Heidi thinks it’s modern. The judges don’t like Vincent’s—the dress is too short, and the cape is…a cape. Zac thinks Uli’s is cute, but Michael doesn’t like the necklace, and Nina thinks the sleeves are too long. The judges all think Angela’s is costume-y.

Jeffrey tries to head off the “too punky” criticism by saying he was going for the alternative, LA cocktail party look. The judges think it looks cheap, and he needs to branch out. Laura’s gets rave reviews—youthful, sellable, fabulous. Zac says the front of Kayne’s is very elegant, but it falls apart in the back. Nina appreciates that he tried to edit, but doesn’t love the results, especially that there’s no white.

The judges deliberate. Michael awesomely calls Angela’s dress “vampire.” In other news, “vampire” is my new favorite adjective. As in, “Yeah, I checked out The Arcade Fire's new CD. It was totally vampire!” Back to judging. The judges agree that Vincent’s dress is terribly proportioned for no good reason.

Nina thinks Jeffrey could be bringing a more “luxury” element (which, true, could that dress have been any more Urban Outfitters?), and Michael thinks he’s too Gwen Stefani all the time. Uli gets some deserved “same old, same old” criticism. Nina thinks that Kayne listened and tried, but has a ways to go. They loved Laura’s—she maintained her point of view while designing for someone other than herself. Yeah, my worry was for nothing...I’ve clearly been fooled by those tricky editors again.

And…the winner is Laura! Michael is very gracious. Angela is out like a mofo. Good riddance AGAIN, Angela. Vincent is also out hardcore. “I’ve been making beautiful music all along…I do it so damn well, it’s a gift.” Let me put this clearly, Vincent: YOU SUCK. Uli is in, and does a cute little dance into the back room.

It’s down to Kayne and Jeffrey. Kayne didn’t use white, and they still have taste level questions. Jeffrey’s looked cheap, and he’s always all-edge, no elegance. Kayne is out! (le sob). Um…did I see this right? Did Jeffrey run into the back room flipping everyone off excitedly? The boy has class. There are hugs all around, and Kayne clarifies that he’s “not really a bitch; I just play one on TV.”

Oh, Kayne. You brightened up my Wednesday nights, and while you were sometimes tacky, you were also sometimes very, very fabulous. I’ll miss you!

[Ok everyone...the verdict? Painfully, insanely long? 100% genius and worth the half-hour it took you to read it? (Riiight...) Apologies for the lack of cut, random browsers. Blogger doesn't have a good "below the fold" feature.]