Desperate Housewives: Fear the Dentist

This week on Desperate Housewives, we learn that Republicans don't have oral sex (which may explain a lot). Also, probably of more thematic importance, we learn that the rainy days make everything clean again, "which is necessary on a street like Wisteria Lane, where everything can get so messy." What's messy? Well, it's six months after the season finale, and...

Orson, Bree's creepy dentist boyfriend fiancé, apparently killed his last wife when she tried to leave his controlling ass. Laurie Metcalf, kooky lady extraordinaire, came by the next day to find Orson mopping up, and his parrot saying "Orson, no!" over and over again. Oops. So, naturally, she crashes Bree's engagement party to announce that Orson is a murderer. AWK-WARD! And, um, how exactly did she find out about the party? Did Orson invite her? Because that combined with the parrot snafu may make him the worst murderer ever.

Mike is still in a coma, and no one seems to figure out that Orson is the one who put him there. Susan is lovingly taking care of him in the hospital/being hit on by a British hunk with a comatose wife, who even gives her a fancy watch in Mike's room. Jesus, Susan.

Tom's baby momma is insinuating herself into the Scavo family, crashing their Christmas card photo and Parker's birthday party, among other things. And yeah, she's totally crazy. Although so's Leanette, so I guess Tom has a type. Leanette is worried that she doesn't come first with Tom anymore, now that he's making all kinds of concessions to the crazy lady so that he can have a relationship with his new daughter.

And Gabby has apparently gone from not even wanting a kid to being Xiao-Mei's slave in the space of a year. She puts up a bit of a fight, threatening to deport Xiao-Mei as soon as she gives birth, but Xiao-Mei just runs away and hides in Paul's house, which Edie is having trouble unloading. Gabby and Carlos track Xiao-Mei down together, and Gabby makes clear to Carlos that waiting on his mistress hand and foot before being a single mom weren't in her life's plans.

At the very end of the episode, a construction crew is about to unearth a dead body buried under a golf course. Hmmm...I wonder if dentists like to golf?

This season's opener definitely surpasses the low bar set by last season, but I'm not convinced they can keep up the momentum. Hopefully, Mark Cherry won't continue to try my patience by having the four main ladies go against character, as most of them have in the past year, and as some (Gabby) already show signs of doing this season.